Your journey into a beautifully evil mind

You are the picture of my heart

2011-12-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

You can't express every feeling that you have every moment that you have them.

~When Harry Met Sally

There are days when I just wake up and although I know I need to wake up to go to work and in my heart, I would rather play PS3 online, there is this part of me that wishes I could have days just to wake up and hug you and to let you know there is nothing else in the world I would rather do. There are this days then, like today, when all I want is to look into your eyes and tell you that you are all that matters. That everything I set out to do today is for you. Writing this down just spells out what my whispers and what my mind thinks. But more importantly, it is the only way I know best how to tell you how happy you make me fell. And more deeply, how much you mean to me.

I know there are times when I laze and choose not to get away with you to escape from being tired and choose to be stuck in front of the TV instead. But my heart always is with you. As often as I choose to stay in front, I always after when I watch you can't but help feeling guilty. So I do control more often and I do ask myself more often how also can I make you smile.

These few weeks have been very busy weeks for me at work and I know it takes a toll on us when I can't call just to check on you. But thinking of you at work is the only rest I do get most of the times and also the only comfort on knowing what I'm working so hard for. Can't wait to clear all these outstanding matters when our child is born. These are the things that wake me up most mornings besides you chasing me out of bed.

I like to take these simple moments from time to time to let you know how much you mean to me and how much I need you. I love you and there say you need to show it and not just say it. This is maybe how best I can let you know how much you mean the world to me. Just a simple post on an ordinary Tuesday. But nothing is ordinary or simple when it's about you to me. I love you and I miss you. Thinking of you always.

Writing about Love

2011-11-29T18:02:00.000-08:00

" If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn. People die. But real love lives forever."

The Crow

Writing about love is about writing about you. I wish all I have is about painting you the most beautiful smiles that is simply the way to live life. To paint the most beautiful smiles for the person you love the most from the heart. Love I have come to discover over the last few years with you is more than just an expression, more than just a declaration and more than just words. I want you to know that I have come to discover that love is the outward display of how my heart feels when it found you. It skips a beat when my heart takes a peek. It flies when it sees you smile and kiss me. And it simply finds a home when it found you at the wedding altar.

I write on most days because I understand that the heart can not sustain itself without love. It may beat, it may carry a same rhythm but it truly becomes alive with a reason and a purpose, when it beats a different tune, a different song. And when it happens because of you most of the time, you know you're in love. I wish there was a more perfect description of how you make me feel more than the heart. But for someone who lives and survives everyday based on his brain, to let loose and to be alive because of the heart is the most perfect equation of being alive. You make me be alive, you make me want to see how my heart beats everyday and you make me want to smile like I have never smiled before.

The simple things that your hands touch, that your feelings have and the way you smile because of me lets me know that my heart is not alone and that I am truly alive. It means one thing when my heart can do certain things I never knew it could do but it means so much more when your heart replies the same. Most people say that having a child is the most wonderful gift in the world. But I have come to discover that you are the most precious gift that a man can ask for. I have come to know through pain and through time that your smile can mean more than the most advanced machines or the most beautiful creations, because you are perfect. And that is all I need and ask for.

I love you baby and on this day, I just want you to know that my heart beats for you and you alone. Always. Missing you from work and thinking of you.

A simple Friday

2011-11-24T19:15:00.000-08:00

"Maybe it is our imperfections which make us so perfect for one another."

~ Emma

I just close my eyes and people say that the most important things will pop out. All I see is darkness. But if I take a closer peek, I do hear this song, Lathika's theme and you appear. And suddenly I forget the darkness and I see this smile. It's the small things I do at work like this that takes me away for moments. And I do need moments like this when things get a bit too hectic. When there is too much noise and too many moments around me that simply scream. I close my eyes, let the song wash over me and let you come to me. I do not have much time at work to let you know this nor to tell you how much you mean to me at these simple moments everyday.

But it's true that you mean the world to me. You can zhai zhai just takes my breathe away from it all in these simple escapes. It's just a relief and a reminder of what am I doing all this for. I close my eyes and let you take me away to our place where all that matters is your smile. Everyday and if I forget to tell you, know that you are the most important person in my life and I rise and sleep with you in my mind. It's simple to feel this and harder for me to record this. At times, when I read the biography of Steve and see how hard it is for him too to be open at times, actually most times. To be able to say what you really mean can be complicated.

But there is nothing complicated in being honest and open about how much you mean to me. People call it love. I think its a special word to describe a special moment. I feel that way about you, this warmth about all the things that make you, you. When you told me about how much you did in the kitchen and in the living room and about wrapping presents, I was with you. I like to close my eyes and imagine me by your side enjoying doing these little things together. I know when I get back home, I'm so washed out and tired and I just want to rest. Simply sit for a while in the toilet and just let things wash over me. But in those moments too, I think about you. About you just outside.

As tired as I am, I want you to know that I do think about you and reach out to you and just want you close. When I become too tired to talk and too tired for anything but just to find a way to let it all out, your hand holding me tells me it's all okay and that's just the greatest feeling at the end of a day. We're watching Twilight today and I think it's going to be an enjoyable and fun night to end the busy weeks I have been having. That little bit of break seems a nice invite just to get away with you. I love you and can't wait to spend time with you tonight. I promise to make you smile and to give you the same warmth you make me feel. I love you and miss you baby. Muacksss

Seeing You Smile Makes me Smile

2011-11-20T22:51:00.000-08:00

In my opinion the best thing you can you do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out of your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.

~ Juno

Writing this to my wife whom I sorely miss whenever I am not with her. I just wanted to drop you a simple note on how much you mean to me and how much I would like to see you smile when you read this. It's the same busy dreadful boring Monday and it makes it more painful to waste a great Monday weather in November being stuck in the office. More importantly, I want you to know where my heart and my mind lies, with you. I wish that I could escape from this and just spend some time holding you and our son close on a beautiful day.

When I woke up today, it was to joy and to a wife who just informed me that there was a hot cup of Milo waiting for me to start the day! These small joys are the small victories that make life a joy to walk with. These small milestones are the ingredients that we have that makes each step a step of joy that finishes the day right. Sometimes when you tell me to have more patience, these small joys and small steps of the day keeps me calm and keeps me smiling. It cools any burning anger that develops and like the breeze, it just gets carried away.

Today, I just want to paint you more smiles. I hope this would be that one small step for you, that one small joy of many that I can give you today. Zhai Zhai is getting bigger by the day, yes he is growing within you by the day. You are more and more beautifully pregnant and it always makes me grin to see him growing inside you and the way you reach out to him and let him know he's not alone. Each movement indeed brings joy and every small thing can make us worry but I am here for you. Always.

Each passing day brings so many messages along with these small joys, that the biggest bundle of joy is yet to come and it's coming soon. Counting down the days until it arrives in our arms, taking each day one joy at a time. I love you baby and I hope you're smiling right now. I miss you.

I'm right here

2011-11-14T18:50:00.000-08:00

I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you.

~ Roy Croft

When words fail and when everything seems to have been said and done, there are only gaps to fill. I am here to say that all the gaps we need are here. Love, our son and our reasons for waking up are all around us. I like to see you smile. Very much. Every single second of the day. Today it started sunny and bright with you cuddled up nice and tight next to me. When I saw the bent wiper, I immediately turned to you. As much as I would like to say I am your everything, in all reality you are my everything. I need you as much as I want to be everything to you.

Feeling how sad you are last night, it broke some things inside me and I want you to know I am always by your side to protect you so you do not need to feel lonely. Or that you are alone especially when it becomes sad or you feel a need to cry. I am here and as you were there for me this morning. We need each other and will always have each other. I want you to know that the love we have will sustain us. What we have is this new beginning that is simply so exciting for us to hold and witness. This morning when our son was burping and struggling to get out of the burping, that moment we always share with him in between us will always hold us together.

Today, is going to be beautiful no matter what happens. I am waiting for you to come pick me up and that is exciting. To have something to break my normal routine

It's okay. I'm here

2011-11-13T23:34:00.000-08:00

There are only four questions of value in life.
What is sacred?
Of what is the spirit made of?
What is worth living for?
What is worth dying for?
The answer to each is the same. Only love.
~ Don Juan Demarco

Baby, dear love of my heart and the reason that I am. I write this to you on a day which you simply charmed my heart when you said you felt you were going to miss me today. It lifted me up and made me happy to face my day. I write this now because I know with all these clouds above you, how could you possibly happily face the possibilities ahead. I know by the time I find myself writing this, most of today will have passed, but I believe that all I want to say is that I am always with you.

I remember this story of this ordinary day. I say it is ordinary because it is not a "special day" that we set aside or something that everyone says we should celebrate. This was a day when we were at home after work at AirAsia. It was a tiring day and all we wanted to do was to go back to your place and relax and simply just not bother about all things in the world. It was breezy and gloomy and it was a long day at work. And there I was as usual, slowly creeping up to your place to bother you to leave and go home. I remember you used to tell me that you would invest a lot of time at work and not leave as you would lose focus of time and place.

That was the first instance that I realised how much both of us had changed. When we drove our normal slow pace back along the similar slow paths, the sky faded gently into the dark. Colour by colour began to lose its shine and faded and gave way to the night. My hands were firmly clutched into yours. I struggle to remember why I smiled so much or why you held me so tightly and tenderly on the simple ride home. We drove home and stopped on the usual corner shop just right around the corner of your house. It began to rain and I held out the umbrella as we ran. As usual, being the careful and overly cautious one, I decided to steadfastly to bring the umbrella along. And as per the very rare occasions when I was right with you, it rained hard but short

When we left I always remember this warmth of holding your hand in one and the umbrella in the other. We walked in the rain and you were a bit upset as you really wanted to walk Prince out that evening. We drove slowly back into the driveway and we settled back in. I went up for a shower and before you knew it, the clouds rolled away, and you jumped up and down over simply being able to walk Prince out. We jumped out into the walkway and there after the drop of rain was the most beautiful sky with all these stars shining above.

I wish I could tell it simpler about how I was simple reason enough. There might be no stars tonight after the rain or a walk with Prince. But every moment with you was a cheer to this silly lamb's heart. On a day when it rains but no stars peek, on a day when it seems there is no reason to cheer, let me be that reason. Let me be all your reasons. I am here. I am here to whisper how much you mean to me. That I can be these tiny pockets of lights in the sky that will make you smile. With all these small reasons beginning with this post and more. I want you to be happy so I can be happy. I love you and am here for you. Always. Painting all these reasons that make the stars of a seemingly normal and sad day. I want you to be happy. So smile for me. Muacksss

Finding the Light

2011-11-09T21:04:00.000-08:00

I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.

~ The Notebook

Baby, I know how sad you may be and I know it may be too much to ask you and your happiness to be strong now. But you are not alone. I am always by your side. My thoughts go with you wherever you are and whatever you do. So do not feel that you are experiencing this sadness alone or this difficulty is yours to bear alone. Your husband and lamb is by your side always.

So I am writing this today to paint you today's smile. That you are this most important person to me and that I think your happiness is stronger than all of this that is pulling you down. I know that deep inside we are bigger than all of this. Let hubby tell you a story of a lion. This lion was always ferocious in knowing what she wants from life. That she knew all the hidden secrets on how to enjoy life. She met a lamb and they were always happy and it was sunny all the time. There was a time when darkness visited and it made the lion sad.

Because she lived in the sun all the time and this darkness was draining whatever energy she had left. The lamb tried all he could and sought her heart. He knew that love was the only way to show her the light. She tried and tried but the darkness would not leave. This silly little lamb took her hand and walked as far as they could from the darkness. Bit by bit the light began to shine anew in the heart of the lion. The lion only needs to understand that the light in her will always shine and that darkness may haunt the moment but it is only a passing moment and the shadow will come to pass.

That the truth was that the light and happiness in her was too strong for simple darkness to hold back. That living in the moment was all the matters. The lamb carefully guided her as they slowly drew away and let their own light shine. Light will always be there. Happiness will always be there baby. I love you and I am here for you. Take my hand as you know I am always here doing all I can to make every second worthwhile for the two of us. To paint each happiness for us as we move along. To draw smiles on your face with every moment that has been given to me. I am always here and I will always love you.

Only You

2011-11-08T23:03:00.000-08:00

Gena Rowlands (Allie Calhoun): Do you think our love can take us away together?
James Garner (Duke): I think our love can do anything we want it to

~ The Notebook

Dear Wife,

Am writing this to make you smile. That much I must admit. As simple as it may sound, I know it is not easy to make someone happy the rest of their lives. Actually, the question is not how hard or how easy but how much. That much I know. I know I want to paint smiles that come from me each day of our lives. I write this to let you know that your happiness comes naturally when I open my heart. When I let love fill all the gaps and holes, it just naturally spells YOU.

I want to tell you day by day how much my heart just opens itself and understands how beautiful the world is because of you. I see things now differently than a year ago. I understand more wiser, more patiently, the things around me and I see you in nearly every aspect of life. I understand how much it hurts you when I drive rough or curse on the road. I understand how much you mean to me when it rains, when its busy, or when I get too carried away at work and you appear. You tell me that it is okay, you are by my side and everything seems okay.

You asked me if I was nervous yesterday before the presentation. I was not. My hands only shook when it first touched yours. When I stood at the stars and we danced. When I looked at the sea in diving equipment for the first time. When I saw Tokyo with you for the first time. When I saw our son with you for the first time. And you were always there, to calm me and hold my hand and all these anticipation flows away and you enter. I think the only nervous moments are the really important ones except for when I proposed and when we were married. I was sure as I wrote my vows. That these were the only right things I was sure of in my life. But at the edge of every moment that was important because of you, I was nervous and you filled me with this confidence of love.

Today, I want you to know how much you mean to me everytime I close my eyes. I let all the noise in my head wash over me. All the chatter flow by me. And I listen. And I see. And I find you. Deep inside me. I love that feeling that you are my core and all that matters to me. I look and I see...You. I love you baby and today is beautiful because of you. I can't wait for the dishes you are preparing today and I know like each day carrying our child, it is a labour of love. This love that we share. I love you baby and am always with you.

Love,
Lambi

Simply when you are all the reasons

2011-11-07T19:39:00.000-08:00

Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?
Buttercup: Well...you were dead.
Westley: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Westley: There will never be a need.

~ The Princess Bride (1987)

Today am taking these few moments to tell you how much you mean to me and how much you make today beautiful. I am not sure how much happiness you feel today but I am determined to make you the happiest I can be. It begins with a simple message on an ordinary day where you are the only unordinary thing. I wish I could compose you a thousand beautiful lines to paint this smile for you. But all I really want to do is to tell you I love you and that I believe is the most important.

I love you and every single second of today I would like to dedicate to you. To make you smile, I want to tell you this story. Of how a lamb starts a day not thinking of the pitch to come but how to make you smile. When he hears this song, this song that a lion always sings and hums for him. It set a smile in his and he SMSed his lion to let her know how important that song was when she hummed and sang it. That it, was the hope for love and the beginning of a new chapter. Everything nearly began from there. It kept the lion strong at one point in time and everytime the lamb hears it, it does stir some warmth imagining the lion singing it to him.

Today, I am worried about you coping with our little child. You will always have me and our son. I have tiny worries about how difficult all this small things are; your backache, you getting up at night and these changes to your body. But every small bump from our son takes it all away. That cheers me up to and soon we will be seeing him again as he approaches six months. We are on our final race to the end and I want you to know that I am here with you every step of the way. I am here with my hand holding yours. I am here to love and cherish you and our son all the days of our lives. Today, I am here as a husband, your man and your best friend to say it's okay, I understand what you're going through and I am here for you.

I love you baby and want you to know that I am excited with every line we write together and I miss you right now. Love from a lamb that bleats and baa-s for you. You are my reasons, you are all my reasons and I hope I am your single reason to smile today. Muacksss...

The Story of Love

2011-10-31T22:17:00.000-07:00

[to Marlena]
Jacob Jankowski: You're a beautiful woman. You deserve a beautiful life.

~ Water for Elephants (2011)

I write this having a bad headache but I do not regret waking up to kiss you and hugging you to sleep. I must say that it has been really a lot of joy to see our son growing up and kicking and reaching out to us. I feel this small tremble under my hands and just wonder which part of him is responding. Trying to picture his face reacting to us shaking and poking him as he rests. Our son is so active and so strong inside you. It really makes me proud each time I feel our son move and reach out to us.

When I look at you now, I do wonder how foolish I have been. Simply ignoring the most beautiful woman in the world right next to me. That I would rather chase meaningless pursuits makes it seem all the more stupider. When I look at you and feel our son, I feel like the most lucky man on earth and that my life begins now. And that I get it even now, makes me feel good. About myself. And I know that you are everything to me, your happiness means everything to me.

That somehow in the deepest corner of my mind, I do still blame myself for all that has happened but I know that if anyone can change anything it has to be me. It has to be me filling us all with happiness and the energy that comes with it. I want to be this life that surrounds us. I want to be the man that brings us all together. I want to be the center of happiness for all three of us. And I want to take you places you never been before. To this happiness that I am writing for all of us. I love you so much baby. Taking this short time off to write this clears my head before I get back to work. I want to record how much you mean to me. And how much more you will all the days to come. I love you and miss you dearly. Hope to see you again soon. Smiling.

Lost on a Beautiful Day

2011-10-29T17:39:00.000-07:00

Emma Morley: Whatever happens tomorrow, we had today. I'll always remember it.

~ One Day (2011)

Right now you're speeding away. Crying. Thinking of how unfair the entire world is. Of how much it all does not make sense. That how much you hate this life you are going through everyday. I'm here. Crying too. I just want you to know I still do not have hope. From the moment you became hurt and never put up our son's latest scans or simply not say a single word when I childishly talk to you about our son ahead and you are just silent. I know how it feels you being here and not here. I know how it must feel for you.

Maybe it was naive thinking that just being there for you every moment, loving you and just you seeing me around you, you would know that it's not over. It was just yesterday that were the best moments of our lives. Every weekend, I become afraid of moments like this, when all of a sudden nothing makes sense anymore. When you just lose it all and just can't keep it in. I wish I could just see you off and make you happy. Can you blame a man for wanting to fight for love? For happiness? Can you fault a man who wants to make the best of his life ahead. Or of a childish person just wanting to make you the happiest person only if you would let him?

I know you are hurt deep inside and each day I pray I could have done something with the day given to me to paint a smile for you. Lift under the cover of your external and wipe away a tear, plaster a scratch, search for the hurt and find the love to fill the gaping hole inside. Sometimes I wonder whether I know what I'm doing. I wonder if I understand at all why I want to put you through all this. I know what I'm holding onto but do you still remember? I sit sometimes at work thinking what more can a man do; in the midst of all this darkness to give you some light. I won't give up and I won't pretend moments like this don't grieve me. I know the hurt I caused you and maybe still continue to cause you everyday does not measure to this and what you are suffering is way worse than I can imagine.

I can't stay away from you. I can't pretend that I want to spend the rest of this life with you. I can't pretend that you are the best thing to ever happen to this lucky me. I can't let you go without fighting to make us both happy; to reach for the dreams ahead. I can only have today. I can only try to show you the same person you love is still here. Hurt may be there and all I can do is make you fall in love with me again. Past the hurt, past the pain, past me. I know you always tell me to let you go. Each word of that sentence hurts me, it makes tears drop and it makes me weak and lost.

On a beautiful day today, here I sit again. Lost. I just want to reach out to you but you won't let me. I want to tell you how much you mean to me. I want to heal you,I want to heal me. I want to save this. I want to do so many things. I want to move past this. I want to turn back time. I want to take all your pain so you feel none. I want you to smile because of me again.

It's been so long since I felt your warm smile on me again. It's been so cold since then, it's been so empty. It's been so worthless. Theres all this pain I wish I could just bear for us and I would be happy only to see you smile again. I need to do the right thing. I need to not make up for the pain but I need to make you happy again. Here if you ever read this, you would say that the only way to make you happy is to let you go. I need to never let you go. Not to cause you more hurt but to make you the happiest person I see in my eyes. I need to be happy with you again. To see the world with this colour of you again. To be truly alive and happy again. I need to have your love.

This silly me I guess would not let you go. This stupid me made a mistake that you say can not be reversed. Maybe you are right that you will never let this go. That with the current me and the past me, you will never be happy like you used to be. You do not believe that a man can change. I do not promise change. I promise the me. The real me. The man you fell in love with. All the days of our lives. I do not know why I faded so shortly after the happiest day of our lives. But I do want you to know that I have placed everything in this, our love. I will keep loving. This is all that is left to me. I hope today, tomorrow, or maybe a day that will never happen that I can somehow make you smile and be happy for the rest of our lives. Maybe this will never happen but I am here. You are here. We have now. Let me make our forever.

Sneaking in a little time

2011-10-28T06:33:00.000-07:00

Edward Cullen: I can't read your mind. You have to tell me what you're thinking.
Isabella Swan: That I'm afraid.
Edward Cullen: Good.
Isabella Swan: I'm not afraid of you. I'm only afraid of losing you, like you're going to disappear.
Edward Cullen: You don't know how long I've waited for you.

~ Twilight(2008)

Sitting here at 9.30pm trying to sneak some time to let you know that I miss you. It's been a long and tiring day and I miss you so so much. Been thinking about you while I finish this presentation material. Taking a bit of a break to record down how I feel today and how much you mean to me. Been really busy these two days but you have been the main focus on my mind. Always. I love you baby and hope to always paint you smiles. You mean the world to me and I will always aspire to be the best thing that happens to you everyday. Oh one more thing bie, you were right. You were always right.

Smiles

2011-10-27T00:08:00.000-07:00

Westley: Hear this now; I will always come for you.
Buttercup: But how can you be sure?
Westley: This is true love. You think this happens every day?

~ The Princess Bride (1987)

I still get butterflies even though I've seen you a hundred times. I wish I could have always told you that. But everytime I see you now when I open my eyes the first thing in the morning, I do get flutters in my stomach. And this anticipation of things to come. Of how I wonder tomorrow will be. Whether I would still have this privilege of waking up and seeing you right beside me.

I know you feel that most times that it is cold at night and more so when you are unsure about this man next to you. This man has always been sure, always been certain about his feelings for you and sure about you and who you mean to him. I wish that there would not be a need to write these words now. That these words could have been beautiful and of joy of waking up next to the most beautiful woman in the world. They still speak the same but only when you woke them up with sadness and with pain.

I wish it was different or there was a reason for the silence in the blog for 10 months. I wish it was not mistakes, memories made, or how bitter sweet this would taste. I wish that you know that I do believe that I will never find someone like you. I still know that I can bring you all the happiness in the world. To continue to write new chapters of us together that will only make you smile. Saying all this now seems really lame and late. But what I did was lame and late. But I still think I have today. I still think that somehow this me inside me is and has always been there.

You say that you love me more with each day with more sacrifice. With more understanding until the sadness broke you. I believe your every single word. I believe that I only have today. Today to make you smile. To somehow touch your heart. To tell you that there is love here that you will never find anywhere else, that you were right all along. That this man that you chose will be the man that you have dreamed of. That inside all the things that have passed, this love this man bears for you has never died. That the man may have been carried away or whittled with time but he lives and breathes for you.

My actions have died with the passing days these 10 months. Your heart and your soul has been giving and giving. I have been blind to all and think that I have somehow matched your love. I do not understand how or have a logical explanation why. I wish I could think of a clever and witty answer but my heart says this; that I will love you all the days of our lives. My heart tells me that this person you fell in love with, that has been there all along. And here I am. I promised this on my wedding day that I promise myself to you. You think that would mean the worse of me but there is the best of me to come. Trust that the one deep within me, is this person you fell in love with. I write this today, knowing somehow you came and stumbled on this. I write knowing that I have today. Today is beautiful. I love you. Always.

Dreaming the Possibilities

2011-10-25T00:36:00.000-07:00

Jamie: [in English] It's my favorite time of day, driving you.
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] It's the saddest part of my day, leaving you.

~ Love Actually (2003)

Passing by another day and these pictures somehow make me smile today. It's been a long few hours and I'm getting tired. Thought it would be best to just get away and write for a while. These pictures made me dream of the possibilities ahead. Of the joys ahead.

I think I should make our son a real stormtrooper costumer one day so that we can troop around and have some fun doing silly things under the sun. Already I'm imagining us running around, fooling around and just being silly for all the care in the world. And I can imagine you running behind or just rolling your eyes at us saying, "Boys".

Just sitting here resting for a bit, I hope you are smiling and that everything is fine where you are. Been thinking about you and writing our story today just seems funny. I try to close my eyes and see you and it does bring some small measure of comfort. Like the quote from Love Actually, what really matters is that we are here now, in the moment, together, seeing the chance of possibilities.

Today's message like every other day is simple. I love you and you are beautiful. Enough said.

A Tale of Stars

2011-10-23T23:01:00.000-07:00

[referring to the years he'd spent traveling]
Eisenheim: I always meant to return. I just...I kept thinking I'd find it around the next corner.
Sophie: What?
Eisenheim: A real mystery. I saw remarkable things, but the only mystery I never solved was why my heart couldn't let go of you.

~ The Illusionist (2006)

They say that in bright cities, we do not see the stars. Too many lights blinding, too many sounds that sometimes we don’t even look above. And even when we do remember to look for the stars, the lights around us blind us too much that we don’t see them. I know that’s how you feel at the moment, too many lights and sounds around you that you can’t even find the energy to look up. And when you do look at me, you don’t see the stars anymore. Not that I blame you when all the lights and sounds are those of unhappiness that I have created around you.

You asked me on how and what would I plan to do. I hope that somehow maybe today or the days ahead, you somehow will be able to look up. And maybe past all the lights and sounds, be able to see the stars in me. I do not think or deceive myself that you might not even look up. Or by some miracle be able to see the stars within me. I do not promise anything enormous or a huge change that will blow your mind or sweep you off your feet. I hope only that you see that the star that you fell in love with has been here all along. That in the deepest dark of night, the stars will shine for you. And when you do, you will see that it will shine for you for all the days to come.

I would like to write you a story that you might never read. But this story of a lamb and a lion happened in a galaxy far far away and in a time long long ago. There was a lion and a lamb. And there was a valley where they lived. They were there contented after many days of scouring and wandering and found this valley where they thought they would live happily ever after. There were many other fireflies that lived around the valley. Some would flock by and some would fly in from time to time. And with time, these fireflies began to grow in numbers. The lion and lamb passed the time and the lamb began to grow complacent and carried away with the good times.

The lion was wary and always watched her lamb. Never daring to grow complacent or idle, the lion always watched out for the fireflies. She grew wary as the light in the skies became dimmer with time. The lamb never saw how dim the stars were until the lion broke down one day and was enraged and sad that the lamb could not see anymore. Did not sit and watch the skies with her anymore and did not sometimes see her as the brightest star in the skies. She did not believe the lamb would see that way or would always see that way.

So begins the adventure of the lamb who has to:-
1. Show the lion that she has and will always be the brightest star in the skies
2. That fireflies do not change the lamb
3. That love is the only answer

Writing this journey everyday has not been easy. I do not know why or the reason. I do not hope in anything that may come. But I do know that this is the only thing that I can do everyday; to show you that love exists, it is the only answer and that you will always be my brightest star in my skies. During our wedding day, I promised you that my hand is sure and my hand is steady as I write this chapter for both of us called marriage. It has not all been perfect lines or the most beautiful of sentences. But each sentence that I write every moment hence has been about you and about us. About the possibilities, about the joy that is still there and about the countless other stars waiting for us. I love you baby, always have and always will do.

Finding You

2011-10-21T00:51:00.000-07:00

[to Johnny]
Baby: Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.

~ Dirty Dancing (1987)

I'm sitting here near the end of the day, thinking how to make you smile. Painting you back these smiles that you used to have won't be easy but I know it is inside you to be happy again. I know that unhappiness around you unsettles you and it makes you uncomfortable. I would like to have an environment around you that gives you this peace to smile. So I decided to write you this short and sweet note of this simple message of how much do I miss you. How much I would like to be by your side to make you smile.

The most precious and valuable jewels you'll ever have around your neck are the arms of your soul mate. I hope being by your side and making you smile are the most precious treasure that you will come to find. I keep looking at my phone when I know I wont have a message from you. These are the times daily when I'm able to let my mind roam and also the times when I miss you but simply can't call you. I know you're busy trying to find your happiness and I hope to meet you soon, and make you smile.

We begin our weekend again and I'm just taking it day by day. I so want to paint you these jewels every moment. Want to be with you so much as I write this. Soon we will have a few days to just sit in and be together. I'm under no delusion that the storm has passed. Tomorrow I do not know what will happen or the things that can change but I know this is me now. You took the worst of me, I promise the best of me ahead.

All the love I have I want to give to you. I love you my lion.

Gathering Clouds

2011-10-19T18:24:00.000-07:00

Daisy: Will you still love me when my skin grows old and saggy?
Benjamin Button: Will you still love me when I have acne? When I wet the bed? When I'm afraid of what's under the stairs?
Daisy: What...what are you thinking?
Benjamin Button: I was thinking how nothin' lasts and what a shame that is.
Daisy: Some things last.

~ The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)

Today I woke up thinking that it's early but it's going to be a beautiful day again. I could not imagine how wrong I was. That today, you would be awakening with more questions and doubts. I did not dare pray that you would have changed nor will I not admit that I did not see this coming one day or another. Just when it happens, as a human being, I can't help but still be emotional about it.

You asked me how would this continue that I would be hurt many times ahead and you wouldn't know when. You told me to go search my heart for what is important to me and to be honest to myself. That much I understood. If only I could hold you then when you said this and shout at you from the top to the bottom that you matter. That day when it all broke down, that I came face to face with myself and knew that you were the reason, the only thing I wanted. I looked inside me, this is what I want from my life:-

1. I want you
2. I want our child
3. I like to sit in the toilet and read sometimes and not be bothered
4. I like to play games sometimes to not think of things or to think of things. And I like you to call me in to bed or tell me it's too late. Because I like to come to bed being called by you. I like you to tell me that I'm going overboard and you want me by your side in bed
5. I like to be surprised by you as I can't decide what to do sometimes, just some thing that involves you but I'm not creative enough in those times and really trust you to design those times for us. Until the point, I became dependent, complacent and just carried over.
6. I like you to decide where to eat. Not because I don't know what to eat but I like to eat what makes you happy and try to understand why you like eating them
7. I like you to scold me and tell me where to park. Not because I don't know how to park but I like you fussing about me until lately it becomes clear that I irritate you by my silly questions about parking
8. I like to see certain movies but I do know you won't enjoy all movies so sometimes I like you to decide. Any movie is fine when I can touch you next to me and sit in a dark corner and share food and drink with you. And see you giggle or be afraid
9. I like to just laze around and take things easy. Sometimes when I look back and see how hard I took to get here, I become contented and lazy and that's why we are here today
10. I like to act like I know things. Because growing up I had to know everything with my world, my mom and everyone crumbling around me. That today I think I do know everything and become confident that I'm giving you everything you need. When I realise now that all I've been doing is enjoying the love that you have been giving me, that I have become spoiled by just wanting you to do everything for me.

11. I hate this Japan trip. Not because its the cause of where we are now. Although yes in some parts but I hate to reminded how stupid I was.
12. I hate that we are here now at this. That you would not even want to look at me. I hate that I am to blame for this. I hate that you would think it was all not worth it. That I caused you to feel that it's all for nothing. And most of all I hate for having caused you to doubt
13. I don't like your pessimism about life and that you believe it will all not work out. I don't blame you for thinking so but you are the happiest person I have ever met and I do not believe that I won't be able to make you happy the rest of your life.

Yes you make yourself happy, you allow yourself to smile. But I can make you smile without you controlling it and all you ever want to do is to smile. You asked me if I could keep taking this. I do not know how else to tell you that I brought us to this point and I want to make all things right. I want to be happy with you again. It may seem simple but I know the road there is hard and tough. I know there will be many doubts ahead. I write this, this talk I want to have with you. To tell you what you will not believe now, that I do know what I want and it is you.

You want me to go out there, to put myself out there and be honest about how I feel and about who I am as a person and what do I want. I have. I know. This finding you and you smiling with me as we grow old together. Sharing all we have. That is all I know in the end makes me truly happy. I have asked myself if I'm simply doing all this because we're here now and married but I know the real reason is the same reason why we got married in the first place. We found each other and that's important. We found each other to be happy. I want to stay there...

Sometimes I wish I could let you peek into my mind and my heart. Maybe then, you would know what I see. What is inside my mind in all things that I do.

Until the next time I write, I love you baby. I love you and I'm not sure that you would even want to read this tomorrow, or the day after. But I do know that if I do not write this down or show you how I've moved on from the days past, I will regret never fighting for you, fighting for what I believe will make me happy until the end of my days. Even if you decide to walk one day, I believe that I will have fought for happiness until that very day. Maybe yesterday there was a glimmer of hope and today more dark clouds blocking the sights, but I do know that today, I held your hand, kissed you on the cheek and for the briefest moment, you did smile.

Day by day

2011-10-19T02:07:00.000-07:00

Reuben Feffer: Since we have been together I have felt more uncomfortable, out of place, embarrassed, and just physically sick then I have in my entire life. But I could not have gone through that, I could not have thrown up 19 times in 48 days if I was not in love with you.

Along Came Polly (2004)

I wake up everyday and I see you by my side. I think of the most beautiful thing to say to you. For when a man wakes up and opens his eyes to the most beautiful person in the world, sometimes words are not necessary and I blink them again refusing to get out of bed and I just stare. Sometimes I lose track of time and before I know it, I must leave or be really late. It's not elegant the way I kiss you goodbye sometimes and I fumble, keep coming back to kiss you the same way. The same feeble and weak ways to say that you mean the world to me and if I could choose, the only place I would be in the world is in those sheets next to you.

Holding you close, smelling you and your hair, planting kisses all over you and touching our son before I leave. I walk out slowly, heavy thoughts of you and our son. That sustains me as I encounter people I hate driving on the road and the challenges in the office. I walk each step with both of you holding my hands and my mind. I pass each moment, thinking what will I need to do to make both of you smile. I call you and I hear your voice and I lose all train of thought again. I message you and each reply I get back sends a tingle through my heart.

I sit and wonder sometimes how could I not have told you how much these all meant to me. Could today I dare place something in hope again? I dare not. I only wish to keep painting you smiles each moment I can. I close my eyes finishing this letter to you. And I picture you again turning in that way only you could as time freezes and the same music plays in my mind. I take a look at the time and know it will be soon that we meet again. That brings joy to me. That little bump in spirit at the end of a long day. I can't wait to see you and our son soon. You are my meaning and will always be. I love you, today, everyday and the days to come.

When you read this one day, I wonder how silly I would sound or if this post does not mean anything to you then. But deep inside, I place hope that you would smile, you would understand that you are the most important thing to me in this world, my sweet beautiful lion. I love you, I love you. Yes, I love you.

Squinting beyond the clouds

2011-10-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

I'm mortified, petrified, stupefied by you.

~ A Beautiful Mind

They say that people measure the heart by so many ways. I choose to measure it by how much it still breathes of you. The weekend passed by in a glimpse of an eye and here we are still holding hands, though me clinging on more than us holding them in gentle embrace as in the past. But what's important is that we still are. Here we stand still in the middle of the storm and I just refuse to go on speculating what else is happening and what else will come up next. The only thing that I will allow myself now is perhaps knowing that we are still together.

I begin to understand now how much things were lost in between but just sitting by your side and looking at things, it's slowly coming back and I sensed that you felt it too. That little of bit of magic, that extra warmth in the touches, and the simple things that we have taken for granted. I know that from time to time I catch you wondering when this will last and what next. I see the worries in your eyes and they way you comfort yourself that you need to be always be prepared and always on your guard. I see it in the way you look at me, wondering how much is true and how much do you trust.

All I know is that we have now with our child. And I will take it one day at a time. I approach each day not with hope but with the certainty that I will be all you need, one day at a time. I must be honest that I do not know if everything will come back or if anything will change, but I do know that I have this moment to love you and cherish you and this gift of our child. I know that every boy wakes up to be a man. I'm not sure myself what kind of man I will be but it will be one centered on loving you and finding every joy in that with you until the end of our days.

I know how you say that saying is not doing. Here I am, doing things in my little ways. I close my eyes and do think back too from time to time and everyday I'm determined to make things better for us. I shut my eyes and I see you and this song that keeps playing; Lathika's theme that delivered you on our wedding day. I close them and I see you as how you should be. I know things can never go back but I know we can make it better. I know that there is this good in me that can paint back brighter smiles than you could ever wonder. I know I can do so much more than the past. I know I don't or can't do things that your friend's husbands can do. But I can do this, love you with all I am to be and all I have.

Today, I allowed myself to smile a little more, to walk with a spring in my step a bit to dare to dream a bit more. But more importantly, to be able to smile myself a bit more. I know the road ahead is long. I write this as my personal journal for you one day if it ever comes to it that you can smile as usual too. That you know what went through my mind during this period. Of how much your smile and love means to me. Of how much you mean to me. I love you baby and I hope to show you that I will love you all the days of our lives.

Aimless

2011-10-13T19:32:00.000-07:00

They say that its always quiet before the storm. That there is this huge vacuum of everything and a giant silence. And in the middle of this gentle quiet, the clouds gather above while the molecules charge and fight and clash. And finding myself in this inner quiet in the bottom of all that is raging above, there is no calm, there is no quiet. Just when I had naively thought that there would be progress that we could at least talk, the storm announces that it is all over.

That nothing could salvage anything in between anymore. I wish I could shout now at the middle but the storm drowns everything out. I wish I could do something but the storm rages on. I wish I could always paint you smiles. I wish this was the start rather than the end.

I wish for many things but most of all I wish for you.

Thinking out loud

2011-10-12T21:02:00.000-07:00

Whenever I cried he would always make me feel like he would change the world if he could so it couldn't hurt me anymore. But now I’m crying and he's not here

~ I Love the Way You Lie

Perhaps one day when you read this regardless of what happens tomorrow, you might be surprised to find me finding solace and rest from all that is happening in this blog. Maybe it would be best to scribble my thoughts here afterall in the quiet of the storm. Finding you here is a revisit back to the sunnier times. What you have said in many parts were true last night. Maybe with time, many things that I used to for you were taken away. Bit by bit that when I do think about how I express how I feel for you, there is shame, a tingle of regret and more what can I do after all has been said.

To write again for you although I do not want you to read this now, I understand that making promises do not mean a thing. To figure out how to reach out to you in all this darkness, these few days have been constant inner thinking and inner figuring out of things. I too have been thinking about who I am, what can I do and everything else that can paint this smile back on your lips. I have had many nightmares of a tomorrow without you and even you stabbing me in the heart. But regrets do not mean anything now. I wake up thinking and touching you when you won't push me away.

I wish I could use what seemed easy to me, words to put out all these negativity from between us. I wish that I could show you again what it meant to be in love with me again and the joy in between. I wish that I could write you to your heart again and you would feel it.

But the reality is that promises do not mean anything without actions. Does this mean after a few nights of looking at myself, I have figured out what to do? Does it mean doing it will make you feel something for me again?

Putting words do not mean anything when there is not a shred of trust in you for me. All the words that my heart whispers listen as lies. So what do I do when I can't use what comes naturally to me?

I wish you could remember what I wrote for you here but the romance of these words have long past and in this darkness, it does not hold any light.

I wish I could touch your heart but I can't seem to reach it with you pushing me away. Every touch I make hurts you and it pains me. It might seem that you are in a corner and I refuse to let up. I find it really hard to watch you there and even more painful not to reach out to you in pain. I wait for a miracle. But is that the only way?

Will there be a miracle?

I haven't never believed in waiting. In miracles. Or in standing by being a witness in time. But here I stand waiting, believing in miracles, being witness to all this happening and not being able to do anything. Or is that the case?

I trust in the love we have. It has never been so easy to be extinguished. I trust in the thing that brought us together will keep us together. I trust in you. Because if you do give up on me, who else will have any hope for me?

Writing Anew

2011-10-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

Today begins a new chapter in my blog. We are now married and expecting a child. But cracks have emerged and to say that this is the beginning of the end is no exaggeration. I have spent many nights recounting the past and the days ahead. I write thi for the next few days or months or years ahead. I do not know how the chapters will flesh out or how this will end.

Each passing moment ahead will be painful as she uttered that each touch of mine hurts and that I have become a pain. I try to recount the days past and mistakes that have caused hurt. Many say that a guy can make a girl cry but when a girl can make a guy cry, you just have to hold on to that girl.

Each hurt that has passed flashes before my mind lately and I can barely sleep with nightmares. Today she finally talked to me after a few days and she screamed at me yesterday. The first sign of communication that we have had in the last few days. And tonight we had a conversation about the end. I often wondered about our end, about sailing into the sunset and spending the remainder of our days toothless and with grey hair. Each dream I had of the future seems bleak. This is our journey now as I hope to perform what may seem a miracle. It seems that the best my wife took has turned on her. That the bet that turned out to be has lashed back and all the person you can love can ask for is for you to release her.

I set out from this moment to attempt a "miracle" in her eyes. To show that what we hold dear matters and somehow reverse the inner demons inside me. To return trust to where it is mow hurt. I write on the foundation of where I expressed my love an our story. I write not with hope nor the promise of myself which is lacking to her. I write with the honesty laid bare that a man at the end will survive an create a miracle with love. It has been many moons since we last embraced a moment we call our own. Each turn of life holds a new story and deep within I hold hope. As faint as it is, and a small as this whisper is in my heart, I hold on to love. Love that brought us here. I have nothing left to do but trust in love.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new chapter. It is not about righting wrongs or doing the right thing. It is living life and seeing each day pass. And who knows what the tide may bring with the new dawn. I hope for love and the dream long buried.

This Little Note

2010-12-06T01:11:00.000-08:00

I know that to love you is a treason against France. But not to love you is a treason against my heart.

~ Man in the Iron Mask

Writing you this love note while the rain pours and beats against the window pane has a way of warming the heart. It's begging to be cold outside and somehow typing notes for you always keeps the inside of me warm. I know you hate complicated words and big words so I'll try to keep this note for you simple. I love you and I just want you to know that the only dream that ever mattered has come true. In this life, I was loved by you.

As we grow older together, as we continue to change with age, there is one thing that will never change. . . I will always keep falling in love with you. And somehow like the way you sang Beyonce's Halo, it doesn't feel like falling. So here I am with no other intention other than to paint you your smile for today; telling you that you're the most beautiful woman in the world and that today in all the gloominess of the weather outside, you made it shine for me here.

They say that elephants can die of a broken heart. You are my heart and don't ever break it. I love you baby today, everyday, always.

PS. I know I'm a lamb so don't turn me into an elephant. With you, always

Love = You

2010-12-02T19:39:00.000-08:00

As we grow older together, as we continue to change with age, there is one thing that will never change. . . I will always keep falling in love with you.

~ Karen Clodfelder

There is this story that happened many moons ago, of a lion and a lamb. It is said there are many of such stories in many lands. But this one comes from under the land of three moons, where it was more dark then light during the passing days.

The lion and lamb has come together after many trials and again that was another story to be told in another time. This story happened in the eleventh month of the year and they were happily going about their lives but the lion had recently taken to viewing the stars late into the night. Fascinated with the sky above and kept watch until the wee hours of the morning. And her hunting paid a dear price as she was late to rise. She was tired easily by the end of days but would still crawl out to look at the stars.

The lamb was at first oblivious to these changes and merely sat by her side to watch the stars and often rode around the den to his own delight. But one morning, he arose to find her tired and suffering from too little rest. The lamb baa-ed in worry and cuddled close to her. She was gently rising and the day was growing old. But she still rose and went out to hunt.

Hunted she did while the little lamb rested in the den. Filled with anxiety and worry, the lamb scribbled on the walls messages for the lion:

1) Get enough shut eye so that when I look into your eyes, they're so clear that the only thing I can see in them is me
2) Hunt with patience and it's only just a living so treasure all the small things matter more. Like your smile on a Friday
3) Today, I missed you so I carved your name with all the love I could find and still it doesn't explain how much you mean to me
4) Baby, I love you

With that, the lamb rested and ate his wheat while patiently waiting for his lion to return.

Perhaps this is not everyone's conventional story but this is a story of a lamb worried about his lion. He loves her very much with everything that he has and he only wants the best for her. So he writes this note, only for her; with just one message: I Love You.

PS. Bie, it is often said that we were given two hands to hold, two legs to walk, two eyes to see, two ears to listen, but why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find. I am lucky I found mine in you. Love you bie

Today..I write about You

2010-12-01T21:36:00.000-08:00

If I asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet.
But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable,
known someone that could level you with her eyes. Feeling like God put an angel on Earth just for you, who could rescue you from the depths of Hell.
And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel.
To have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer.

~ Good Will Hunting

Today I write these words as your husband. I know it's not often that I write notes for you anymore. But every morning when I peek out from under the sheets, I write you my first "I Love You" of the day. Looking at you feeling uncomfortable today, it makes me uncomfortable about you too and I can not help but worry about you. I walk every moment today, with you. Always baby.

Just finished my lunch and wanted you to know that I did imagine you sitting by my side eating my food and I trying to eat yours. Looking back, it still amazes me how we got here. I feel lucky that everyday I wake up to the person I love most in the world. In so many quotes I have used in these writings for you, they always say the same thing; you never know love until you love that someone more than yourselves. You are important to me in so many more ways than I am important to myself. I just want to write this note today, telling you that I love you baby.

In the times that you are frustrated at work today, I hope you know you have my love wrapped around your heart and my thoughts holding your hand through today. I keep all these sweet thoughts to myself about you because you are simply the sweetest thing that I know. Perhaps these 2 days off at home is a good break, to miss you and know how much the times you are with me mean so much. So I'm going to be waiting for you here until you get home.

Love you baby and know that you are the only thing on my mind.

PS. Today is beautiful baby, because of you. You are beautiful, and you make my life so beautiful too.

Baby I love you

2010-11-27T00:46:00.000-08:00

When I see your face..there's nothing I would change. You're simply amazing, just the way you are...

~ Bruno Mars

Baby..writing this post for you as you're tying flowers for Ena and YC's wedding. Just looking at the sweetest stars that God could have drawn in my sky, how privileged it is to be able to wake up to you everyday of our lives.

Am busy with work and thoughts lately, but want you to know in the midst of all the noise, you are the only thing that makes sense and continue to paint me smiles each day. Am taking this little bit of time before we go to church just to record this down; that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and you still amaze me every moment by taking my breath away.

It's a like dark and gloomy outside but still sunny in my heart just looking at you now. It's strange how looking at you as my wife only means that every day of our lives, I will do more to earn your love and your heart as your husband. Can't wait for my birthday surprise and I do know you want that camera very much and your husband is indeed planning to get it for you. What my baby wants, my baby gets.

I love you baby and today, if I did not mention it out loud, you're beautiful. This is my note to you. It's simple but it's our story. Write with me. Always.

PS. Bie, each day, each moment with you is my greatest treasure of that day. Muacksss

The Most Beautiful Day

2010-11-16T01:04:00.001-08:00

Most couples begin their vows by describing each other as the clear sky after the rain; or something like that. Mine begins with a question, "What Are We?" It has been one year, seven months and fourteen days since you last asked me this. I know this not because I am a nerd, but because I remember my promise to you that broke all your rules.

Today, I stand before the sweetest star that God could have created in my skies. My hands are sure, my hands are steady, as I write this chapter for both of us called, marriage.

So what are we? Apparently, you're the woman of my dreams and I'm the man of yours. On the days that you are most ugly and grotesque, on the days that every moment of you takes my breathe away, everyday of our lives, I promise you; me.

My Solemn Vow, Gardens, Cyberview Lodge (The Sixth of November 2010)

It seems like an age since we've been together and yet our journey has only just begun.

No words explain it best than these beads underneath your shoes on the most beautiful day of our lives. It begins right here, after so many days of waiting for it to happen. It is here, it is now, it is our forever.

That morning, I woke up to this song in mind. The same song that appeared on the day that you turned to me so slowly and whispered my first "I Love You" from your lips. This serene song of Lathika's theme. I rubbed my eyes, half awake and embracing that finally the day had arrived. Gently, I picked up the phone to call you and within seconds you answered. This silent wave of calm swept past me as I cracked my first smile of the day. This day I knew would be ours; I love us :)

Standing hand in hand, I remember brushing past your tears to feel you. Perhaps everyone felt that it was a natural reaction for me to protect you and wipe away the tears. It was not. It was simply me, reaching out to you, letting you know that this moment, this emotion that overwhelmed you, it has also overwhelmed me as well. That this moment, we share at the altar, will be the first foundation stones we build in our marriage. You are a huge part of me, in fact the whole of me and I hope I will be the same of yours.

Standing before God and man, we made a vow. My heart would always belong to you and before the altar of God, I promise you me as you did to me. I always believed that the vow before God is only testament to what our hearts speak. It is a symbol to profess what our hearts feel first as a custom, as a religion and more importantly, as a language of love. I know you do not believe that love has to be professed but that is simply what a wedding is. My statement to you; that I will always love you, cherish you and treasure you all the days of our lives. In every imperfection of you, you are the perfection of me.

Like Jack Nicholson, you make me wanna be a better man.

Walking out as man and wife. I clutched your hand. There was no firmness, only that touch of you reaffirming me that our dreams were coming true as we made our first walk as man and wife. Every step was a step to the beginning of our marriage, every step we make forward, I promise you is a step we will always make together in life.

I always think that I could do things alone. I feel that it's not about doing things alone because I could anymore. But I feel that this life would be so much more meaningful with your hand in mine as we traverse the many things before us. And because of you, everything just seems all the more beautiful.

All the little details that we poured our blood, sweat and tears into for over a year just manifested itself and took shape in all these little things on our wedding day. I remember you scolding me and mocking me for cutting these movie tickets and love shaped tags. I remember trying so hard although my hands were too big and clumsy to hold the scissors. And how I would do my best to cut those laces for you on your night dress. I know that I was not perfect or even decent, but maybe all these small things we did together made you smile as we journeyed each day closer to our wedding.

Inspite of all the mess I created, it was simply perfect to every detail on the day. Each small detail added so much to what we wanted. We never saw it as a whole but simply did all we could in every detail with the same love we had for each other. It was beautiful. La vita e bella, baby. Life is beautiful because of us.

Walking with you out of the car to the first surprise we planned for the night, this simply set the tone for the evening. From the moment, we stepped out of the car, I knew we were going to enjoy every moment we could. Surprisingly, I never felt nervous at all the entire day and as the car trod into the garden, staring out to the waiting crowd, I was geared up to complete the day and make it as beautiful as I could. Maybe because it was because we both waited so long for this to happen, or maybe it was you that always calmed me down. But I was sure it was love that was guiding us the entire day. Love brought us together and it kept us with so much happiness at the start of our marriage.

I know you felt this wedding is so important as the first start to our marriage. I admit that I felt that the day would not determine it but rather us. What the marriage did, was give us so many chances for us to go through this experience together. To see things together, walk this walk together and to find meaning in all the things we do; from the small the the gigantic. You mean the world to me.

Our photographer spent an entire paragraph on her blog wondering on the fate of the doves we released. What I remembered, was us holding on to the birds spluttering with fear and excitement. My eyes met yours and I smiled. I felt like we were so much like this birds eager to fly off to see the world together. So raring to get ahead and paint pictures of our world. The world is ours to see and experience and all I want to do is live this life with you. My heart; my heart; beats for you.

We walked in to an unsuspecting crowd. No one knew what to expect and we definitely were going to keep the fun going on. No one knew this was actually the start to the night. As your dress sashayed next to me, there was no hesitation, nothing but just us and the world watching.

I can't dance but I remembered how you smiled and simply moved to the music. And it began.

And we rocked the stage!!!

Actually *we (girls and us) rocked the stage!!!!!!!! The girls were simply special to us. Wanting to see the night a success, they were simply marvelous on stage; putting in hours and hours of practice into wanting to make it perfect. We love you for all this and more (Linda wants to adopt all of you)!

And the real party started..the family got it going and the dance stage was all theirs. They were simply what we want our wedding to stand for; a good time and all the love in the world. As I write this, I am filled with so much gratitude. First to God for making everything perfect and everything we could have asked for. And to our family and friends, we stand humbled in the presence of so much love and happiness. As we made our speech, a part of me wanted to reach out and say that it would have been lovely for my grandfather to have seen us that day. I realised then that he was indeed watching over us, smiling that old grin of his, the grandfather I remembered would have wanted the best for me. Watching me grow up, he was always looking out for me. I would have been so proud if he could smile seeing us on our most memorable day of our lives. I say a little prayer for you, ah kong as I write this, hoping you're watching us with smiles.

Everyday since then, I wake up to the smiles of you and with you, there is no end to the happiness that I can see. This blog has been my canvass to paint how beautiful the world is and it has been with us from the start of that one single question to each day we have gone through together to this pinnacle of our wedding. Do you see what I see? Happiness. You are my happiness in every way man could have created a definition for happiness. And you are my meaning, in every way possible. What began as a story of me, finding for something which I never knew what until I met you, to the most beautiful day of our lives,

To see your face, to hear your voice
And oh, to touch you is a dream come true
So I'm standing here, with my hand held out
Knowing that your love will never fade, I stand amazed without a doubt

And I wanna hear your voice, in the morning when I rise
I think I know I'm just a normal man, only made of sand except when you're by my side
Will you love me, teach me, don't leave me I pray
And when I, and I'm thinking of the times
Your hands in mine, together we will stay
You made me better today
Better than I was before
And now my heart can rest and I will search no more
You made me better today,

My heart has wings
Oh you take me away
And every prayer I've ever prayed was answered today
So I'm standing here, with my hand held out
Knowing that my love will never leave
My hearts on my sleeve and now I believe

And I wanna hear your voice in the morning when I rise
I think I know I'm just a normal man, only made of sand except when you're by my side
Will you love me, teach me, don't leave me I pray
And when I, and I'm thinking of the times
Your hands in mine, together we will stay
You made me better today
Better than I was before
And now my heart can rest and I will search no more
You made me better today

I stand proclaimed, true love is here to stay
I stand proclaimed, forever starts today
Today...
You made me better today
Than I was before
And now my heart can rest and I will search no more
Cuz you made me better today, than I was before
And now my heart can rest
And I will search no more
You made me better today
Today...
Made me better today.

I love you baby.

PS. Baby, I will always be committed to this love that binds us, to walk each moment with you and to me, you are my everything; my world and everything there is in it. I love you.

Sweet sweet baby

2010-08-24T00:19:00.000-07:00

This is it, life will never be better, or sweeter than this.

~ Keanu Reeves, Sweet November

They say that the best things comes in threes.

Hello lion! I love you.

It's that simple. It's that beautiful. Baby, you're perfect to me.

I am here today to write you a story. It's not grand or built with the most grandiose of words or the most magical of storylines. But it's a story from the heart. I write this to you, for you and in a funny way, this story is by you.

It was far away tucked under the stars in the land named Sunrise. It was a land perfectly similar to our own except for the fact that there lived animals that could talk and had an attitude like Disney. It was in this same land that there lived a lion and a lamb and they had attitude. Not one of their neighbours knew where they came from or who they were. For they mostly kept to themselves and hardly drew any notice. Except for the occasional kicking and biting, nothing was amiss or peculiar.

In the land of Sunrise, all creatures lived in harmony with each other, man and beast alike, each respecting their own boundaries and carrying on with their daily affairs. The land of Sunrise was ruled by a Fairy God Mother who did nothing else but visited the dwellers of Sunrise to terrorise and torment them with various tasks and challenges simply for fun. Delighting in poking fun and introducing a bit of fun in everyday lives, she would pop by to surprise each passing by Sunriser or simply knocking on random doors to pull a prank.

It was one day when she chanced upon the home of our hero and heroine of our story, the lion and the lamb. Feeling up to her own naughty self, she knocked on the door. Once, to be met with silence. Second to, "We don't want to see other humans!" to the third of, "If you keep knocking, we'll welcome you with a broom or a hoof or a claw!!!". Simply more excited with the chance to display her naughtiness, the Fairy God Mother took a huff and a puff and blew the door down. Snarling her teeth, the lion dared her to step in. Meekly hiding behind the table, the lamb waved a bat in a show of might at which the Fairy God Mother simply waltzed into the house.

Ignoring the snapping teeth of the lion, the Fairy God Mother swished her wand and voila! the lion was swept up in a bubble floating in mid air. Chuckling at a mischief well managed, she turned then to the lamb flashing her ever haughty grin. "Well then, little lamb. Let's play a game shall we?" She twinkled her eyes while holding her hands together in anticipation.

The lamb now crouching under the lamb desk, was shivering from head to toe and bleated, "The only game we're playing is you packing up and leaving!" and before the chuckle could begin, he managed to add, "And you turn lion back you stupid beast!".

"Hmmm...quite a feisty one this lamb despite being so frail and weak. Wonder what this lion sees in him. Makes me wonder. You don't have a choice. Play my game, answer me three questions and I'll set things back to the way it was", shrieked the Fairy God Mother.

"OK. I...I.....I'll play! You...you..you WITCHHHHHH!!!!" he stammered.

"Witch you say. Fine then. Call me what you will. Now that that's settled," she gently lifted herself over to the dark corner of the room breathing smoke and fire as she towered over the still cowering lamb.

The lamb meekly peeked out of the corner and dashed to try to reach out to the bubble filled lion, trying to claw open the shield with his hoofs.

"Tst...Tst...Tst...being naughty are we?" she sneered. And again the wand swished as the lamb began to float upside down and continued to struggle in mid air.

"Allright. Let us begin you little creature. This definitely is going to be exciting," she laughed as the scene shifted from the cottage in the meadows to all of them floating above the fiery depths of what looked dreadfully like a volcano. "Oh, I forgot to mention...if you fail, both of you fall. Right down to the fire and more frightening depths below"

Sneering at the still desperately struggling lamb, the Fairy God Mother asked this, "What is love? Tell me you little thing!!" She cackled.

The lamb sweating profusely from fear and from everything, squeezed his eyes and shouted loud, "Love is when lion first held my hand and kissed me after she drank a whole bottle of wine, love is when we danced under two suns, love is when she is becoming someone better for me but most of all, love is when she is simply doing all the boring stuff and living this life she has with me despite all my weaknesses and who I am!!!"

Silence filled the fiery chamber. The witch said, "Love is when you know you're in love and it will last...how true. You silly little lamb."

Swishing her wand again, they now appeared in the clouds. "Tell me this, little lamb," she muttered. "What is the secret of happiness?"

The lamb clinging on shifting clouds for dear life, again replied, "Happiness is to look in lion's eyes as we grow old and see what I think I look like...me".

Silenced, the witch again said, "Most would have answered being contented is to be happy. But your contentment lies in always believing and knowing that your lion will always see you as you are, and loving you for what you are. Isn't that trusting too much on a lion who you never know when will change?"

"That is love. To believe in faith...That is love..to believe when there is no reason to believe..past logic..past reason...because you do not need logic or reason to love...you only need to..to love...", the lamb cried continuing to cling onto floating clouds.

Sighing again, the witch waved her wand.

They appeared now in the meadows. "Tell me this little lamb. What is the most precious thing to you?"

"Lion.." he bleated.

"Then if I take your life, so that she may live. Is that fine?"

"No!!!!"

"Then you're afraid to die? Your life means more than hers?"

"NOOO!!!! You do not understand. I can not leave her alone. She made me promise to go after her. There is nothing more sad than to watch the most precious thing in the world pass you by. That is a promise to always make her happy. That is why I must live everyday!!!!" the lamb gritted his teeth.

"You can take away everything but love is all that we need to remain. Food fades, time fades, death comes. True love can only be delayed a bit but never vanquished. That is life and the truth of living. We live because of love, because of passion, because we want to live. I want to live..I want to love...and I want to be complete!"

The witch nodded. "Truly, you understand what it takes to live but how you live depends on you.."

She swished her wand and they both appeared again in the cottage and the Fairy God Mother was no longer there.

"Live well, Live Happy, Live with Love" came the whisper as the breeze blew by.

No one knew what happened to the lion and the lamb or the witch but this much do I know. You came into my life to teach me to love with all my heart, all my strength and all my might. You came to show me how wonderful life is when you're in the world. Today, I write this because of you, from you that life is love and love is life. And to be able not only to write this down but to smile when I see it everyday of my life, that is the miracle. That is the joy of a pen dancing on paper, of fingers gliding on the key board, typing a message for you baby. So that when I'm done, I can whisper those same words to you, "You've got blogpost.." To write down that you are the sweetest thing these eyes will ever see. That you are the most important thing, person and event and moment to have happened to me.

I say the same things in nearly every single post of how much you mean to me. And the truth is that you matter the same to me, which is everything. You matter everything to me, my world, my life and my love. I love you baby and hope this story paints you a smile that will carry us through the steps to our wedding and beyond. Can you hear that bell? That's just me ringing my love for you...everyday of our lives.

PS. Bie, if only you could see what I see in you...my sweet sweet baby....

What Do I See?

2010-08-23T19:48:00.000-07:00

I just think life is more than a series of moments, you know, we can make choices, and we can choose to protect the people we love, and that's what makes us who we are and those are the real memories

~ Forces of Nature

Today when we're busily swept away by the mundane stuff like work, going through the motions, just trying to make it to the end of the day, it's a happy thought that we're holding hands moving through it all. Today, as we step another step towards the DAY, it's easy to also get swept away with all the mundane stuff, but again I am here, writing this down, that we are here to savour and enjoy this moment. All these small details can drain so much from us but the reality is that we only live to see this once, and what I see is beautiful....because of you.

Was dreaming this weird dream of falling lately and I blame it on you for always telling me to let my weight go and just let it all rest. The same way I blame you for letting me depend so much of my life on you, from all the small details to the big ones that matter. I know for sure that as much as you will depend on me, I too lean and depend on you. Falling for each other that way, only means us needing each other all that more and that perhaps is what falling in love every single day of our lives mean.

When people ask me what do I see around me for inspiration, I find that a difficult question to answer. I like to think that the answer would be simpler, and just say it's you. But when I close my eyes, and look around me, what used to the same dull colour is not the same as it is today. When I close my eyes, no, I do not see beauty alone. But I see things around me for what it is, and that makes what I have and see all the more beautiful. Because I have you. I have you to understand how beautiful the things I have, how colourful the simple day to day things can become. And I begin to realise how much more beautiful life is when you're in the world. And because of that, you are beautiful to me, more than you can ever know.

People often say that a wedding is supposed to be a momentous event of gargantuan impact on lives. Maybe they have it wrong. That the most impactful moment in mine, was when you turned and stared at me, then this most beautiful smile that God could have painted starts to take shape, and this music suddenly rings, Lathika's theme humming into a gentle breeze. And I see you. And from that moment, I realised this. That perhaps you were meant to be there. Waiting for me. And I also knew that there would be no other woman I would see at the altar before God and man. It's these simple moments that stay with you. That makes us choose how we want to spend the rest of our lives.

This kind of surety comes only once in a lifetime. And maybe you didn't see it as I did. But these are the sights my brain can not forget or hope to replicate. I know I'm an academician and a student of things. I observe, I calculate and I learn. But like John Nash and this blog, the only equation that best represents logic...is you. You complete me, my logic and my life. So let the small details float by, let love lead and let my hand hold yours. This I promise you, that every moment that matters will be shared with you. So enjoy this moment with me, laugh with me, cry with me and live life with me.

PS. Why another post? Simply because I love you and today is beautiful because you are beautiful to me...the most beautiful person...thing...moment of my life.

Today and always, you are all I see..

2010-08-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

If I could measure the beauty of her eyes, I was born to look into them and know myself.

~ Shakespeare In Love

How come you don't write anymore?

It's not I don't write anymore. I write for you. These same words everyday. From the moment I wake up to the last second I stay awake. I love you. And you matter more to me with each passing day. Through every happy smile I find, to each tantrum you throw, to the small things that may not be important enough to others to notice, you mean the world to me.

Stepping up to the biggest day of our lives, just looking at us now, I can't help but smile at just how much more we have to look forward to. Baby, I want to write this down today. That in the middle of the beginning of our greatest adventure, that we need to savour each moment and not let things sweep us away. I hope we both enjoy this process moving forward. Each trial, each new challenge that comes our way is an invitation to both of us to make it beautiful. That each milestone in our wedding to come, is a personal victory that we will look back and cherish. So let us enjoy these moments that will take our breathe away.

There is an old chinese saying that the journey is worth more than the end, and I think it is so with life. That our marriage is that first step for us and just getting there is our story of love. When you get tired or can't sleep at night just thinking about all the small details in making our wedding day perfect, always know that I am here right next to you and this is our journey, our story that we are writing.

Today, I woke up and smiled to see the day beginning with you like every other day. And like every other day, I smile because of you. And I want you to know that behind your every smile too like this picture of us, I am right behind you. Right here to paint you smiles, to be here, just here for you. We're so near to the start of the greatest flagoff of our lives and the start of our adventure of a lifetime. I hope you have your seatbelts buckled for this instead of worrying over the minor details. Because this is all about us. Do not worry too much about what people think about the wedding because you have to believe in TGIF.

I know I may seem like a duck screwed up trying to dance but each step I learn with you is this same experience that we go through and see each day. I may not be perfect but for you, I want to be as good a man as I can get, the best I can be, the one that you will fall in love with for a lifetime. For each misstep I make that makes you smile, truly, my heart is in your hands and I'm trying as challenged as I may be. Cherish today with me and let us embrace these challenges as that one more step to painting our happy ending. Today, we are here, in this moment, and my hand is right here. Holding yours. Walking with you another day, this lifetime, and baby, you are all I see.

PS. Today and always, every step we take, you are perfect in my eyes.

Waiting for you...

2010-07-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

Today, you walked out without a word. Can't decide if it was your tears in silence or you not wanting to talk to me that hurt more. I do not think you are not hurting but I am here. Waiting. I am here to make things right, to put a smile on your face and to let you know no matter what I love you more and more with each day. I know it's raining on you and your heart is a bit lonely now. But you are never alone and I am always with you.

Rain or shine. Today, was supposed to be beautiful so come back and make things beautiful together. I miss you so much since you stepped out and never said a thing. I know it takes two so here I am waiting until two becomes one. I wish I could tell you a story but our story is more than beautiful enough. Come back to make things right and I promise to be here with my hand waiting for yours. I know that there is a lot of hurt in your heart but its the same here. And I'm just waiting for us to be whole again.

Waiting is never good enough. But I'm not going anywhere. Ever. Baby, I love you and I know you love me too. This much is true and past all the rain and shine, this much will always remain true. Maybe I did chase you away, but I want it to be right. And the only thing right is for you to be here. Here where you belong. I do not know how to paint you smiles alone right here right now but love will find a way. I will find a way. I miss you baby and if you're reading this, I want you to know I will do anything to have you back smiling and just making life beautiful.

Writing this, it has been gloomy and I don't feel too well. Nothing seems right and everything that can go wrong when someone is sad will usually go wrong. I miss you bie. I'm here waiting for a smile, that most beautiful smile in the world. We have roots so deep that being away from you hurts so bad. I realise today writing this that somehow I feel that for you, that somehow it's more than being in love but love for you that has taken root too deep. So if somehow, you read this, I miss you and I want to make things beautiful for us. Love you baby.

PS. Come back with your smile to turn off the rain showers, come back to make all things true and right, come back because of love, because of us.

To love is....

2010-07-16T18:38:00.000-07:00

I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are.

~ Chasing Amy

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love; to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy; therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

Therefore, to love is to love, to live in happyness all the days of one's life. Lion is in a bad spell of being pissed with me. Have no idea why she thinks she's not the center of the universe anymore when everything says she is. But maybe like she always tells me, girls like to always know and they want their man to always be by their end comforting them, noticing them and placing them as important. Girls always react funny like changing their profile pic on Facebook to let the man know something is wrong and simply wait for him to say something. Only, that something is said here. I do care what you do and what is it that disturbs you. I care about the way you work and go through each day of your life. I drop by with small hints and maybe you were too busy to notice. No, I am not here to say I have already love you so much that you should be overwhelmed and you are over reacting but I am here to say again and again, YOU matter to me, every second of every passing day.

You matter from the moment I get up to the moment my eyes close shut. I may happen to be distracted by the things that go on but you always fail to see that you are still the first thing I see and the last thing I think off before the stars turn off the lights. Maybe you did not know, but you were the only thing I think of on the way to work, in between meals, running for meetings, talking to clients, in front of a podium during a presentation and on the way back. You are there because you are you. You matter to me because I love you and when you love someone, you let them know. From the way I touch you, hold your hand to the way I look at you like no other.

It has admittedly been a long time since this blog has been updated, it's either been flurry rush through work then recuperating on off days or busy with the wedding preparations. But this is no excuse for you feeling neglected. So I am here today to brighten a small spot of your day. I am here today like John Nash of A Beautiful Mind, simply because of you. You are the reasons I stand today and you are every part of who I am. So don't say I make decisions not for both of us, because in all reality, you are me, so much a part of me, that I can't help but know that you are my life, my today, my tomorrow and my days to come. When I mean every decision is for us, I mean it, because you will always be there to live this life with me together.

Today, I woke up realising that perhaps the ways you see things are not the same as me. It could be my glasses or my retardness. But one thing I am certain is that I love the way you get upset about me, because you want to care and you want to matter so much. And that somehow makes me smile. Because in all the noise of today, when people brush you by, and even when some like Shereen show you kindness, no one matters more to you, touches you deeper than just a simple tweet or a photo change from a silly lamb :P but what paints me happyness really is when I also realise that I am too so much of you. That I too have become so much of you simply makes me happy.

There are no stories that I could write today. Because no story carries more weight than the story we are writing and will be continuing to write all the days of our lives. I wish to say that when I wrote this, the birds chirped and the sun sang outside the veranda. And probably they did, only love was guiding my hand and love was blinding me when I again put pen to paper and let love dance the way. This smile I have when I am finishing this post for you, is my smile to say, how lucky I am to have you in my life. So, I'm going to stop soon and come back to bed and give you a kiss on your forehead and see if I can get you to see the horizon, the beauty of today, with you in my life.

Today, in the days heading up to our wedding, I can't wait for our marriage to begin and our journey to keep on going. I can't wait for the possibilities that await us. The trials, the sorrows, the joys. I want them all with you. Because I want to live my life...with you. Every single moment of it. Baby, when you read this, know this. That my heart, my heart is in the palm of your hands. It lives, breaths and beats for you. I love you.

The best of me

2010-04-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

"But to see her was to love her, love but her, and love her forever."

~ Robert Burns

Today and most days are a mess of catching up with life. But there is always a calm for me in my new routine. When things become too messy or things seem to fly by. I close my eyes for five minutes and I see you. For that few moments, that calm guides me on what to do.

You left back home for the week today and all a lamb can do is have these moments with you. And I see you here with me most of the time. Although the busyness of the day leaves me not much time to write to you. But when I do, I write not just to tell you that I love you but I write too to be at peace and know that love will always support me.

Today, driving by and listening to the radio, about the favourite past times of Malaysians, was also thinking about my favourite past time and that still is lazing around with you. I write today, to let you know that the best of me, is you. I wake up think about the day, the beginning, the middle and the end. I plan my steps and what I'm going to do flows right in. And something else also floats in at the same time, this part about you. I don't know or can plan you but something everyday about you makes me smile and you become the best part of me.

People often ask me. What's the best quality I can describe myself as. I haven't been asked that in a while. But if I'm ever asked that again, you can be sure that my answer will be you. It will always be you. Penning off this short note with a short story I once read.

There was a poet and he wrote about love. But he was not in love. His poems were a favourite with the ladies but everytime some one asked him what inspired him, or what drove him to write about such beautiful poetry, he would answer with this, "I am not in love because I simply have not found someone worth loving. Or my soul has not found it's worth". At this, most would simply shake their head and walk away non-chalant at his behaviour and his deemed superiority. One day, he told the same to an old soldier and the soldier replied, "Worth of love comes from worth of self. You haven't looked inside yourself and you will never see. Love does not appear, it finds you. God knows how many times you must not have looked when love came knocking".

Anyone can write about love. But only one who embraces it, will find peace. Even the most beautiful poetry about love will turn people away. The simplest of poetry about love in the eyes of a person in love is a treasure. Wonderful words can capture the imagination and ensnare the senses, but it can not set love free. People look for love in poems, movies, writings, novels, but all along love is all around. I too need search no more, I see my love that will last a lifetime in you. And I love you baby.

This is my poem to you today, you are and will always be the best of me and I hope the best of us. Today's beautiful and I only wish you were here with me in this moment. Seeing what I'm seeing always, you.

PS. Bie, today I saw a brownish fading black bird and it reminded me of your hair. I saw a tree waving, and I'm reminded by the way you move, as elegant as the breeze. And I saw a black spark, and I'm reminded of your eyes and the soul I see in them, perfect. I take a walk today and everyday, and I see you.

A reminder in the name of love

2010-04-19T19:51:00.000-07:00

He was like an angel, you know? I never knew life could be like that. He was the one thing I followed through in my life, the one thing I didn't give up on. I was good at loving him.

~ The Untamed Heart

Today like every few weeks recently, Lion has taken to reminding me how much (or rather little) time I spend on her and it's depressing that way that she can't tell if it's because I'm lazy or simply because I don't have time for her being pre-occupied with my new job.

You told me again today to stop and take a look at our lives and notice the changes. I took a halt while driving this morning and I examined my life today. And what I never fail to notice is how much I love you baby.

Just want to put it down in writing that; baby, today, and everyday, you're still the one that occupies the life, my life as a whole. Been running around and if I could have done things smarter, it would be easier for me to make time for us. Loving you is still the same bie. That's the storyline cast in stone and so it will always be. Today, woke up knowing you were by my side, and that is the greatest comfort I could ask for. And from today again, this week you're gone and a lamb can only wait until the week is up to see the most precious thing, person in my life.

It's not I don't think of you, it's just work and routines catching up to me. I guess it's all about being smarter with what has been given to me :) this year seems to be moving along pretty fast and maybe the greatest blessing is that we have each other to look forward to at the end of the day.

This blog without doubt is getting more bare and empty by the day. I wish I could put pen to paper more often on what it means to live everyday with you and more importantly, what you mean to me. That would mean me writing the same thing everyday. This is my note to you baby, I know you have not seen a physical one on your desk for a while. But this is not about you getting used to new experiences with me. This is about you baby. And I love you. I know you send me the same message too everyday and all I do is I write it better.

But this is the truth and you are my truth. Today, for me, going to work is for now, all about our wedding. I haven't forgotten why I took up this job and I believe that holding your hand is the most beautiful experience everyday. I just wish you would stop trying to catch my records in Tap Tap Revenge because I totally beat you :P

PS. Bie, spend more time loving me too :P

training day

2010-03-24T07:11:00.000-07:00

Was on the side of the agency after so many years. Feels rusty being at the forefront again for a turn. Wore long sleeves again after ages and the pants could barely hold in all that growing fat from the days in AirAsia. Lion said I looked fat, I think I look different. Am seeing things different now from the brash man who barged into everything with passion and maybe it's a sign of growth or it could be just a lesson in life. I still live by passion and I don't think it's learning from the past that keeps me in check. But maybe I've learned what it takes to make things successful.

Today had a glimpse of a client I will be working with for a long time to come. Like the ocean, it had it's ups and downs and like the ocean, the meeting held so much underneath the surface. So much potential yet at times the surface was murky with so many potential problems to come.

Felt a tinge of excitement at starting another social media project from ground up again and it admittedly is another challenge worth getting up to work for. Too often, I ask myself if I was on most days in AirAsia so swept away with complacency and finding excuses to let the passion drain away. I always thought it was passion that was too energy consuming that in time caused burn-out. But sitting in the meeting today, listening, looking at another team have a stab and a go at something I saw through my own eyes, I think it was more, no company offered a vision compelling enough for me to stay passionate.

Looking back, I realised how reckless it all seemed to kickstart the social media assets at AirAsia. But I know it was precisely because I was reckless and crazy enough that it succeeded. May that hunger and passion never die out.

Having a hand in my own career path like never before, I wonder if things this time might be different. So much excitement and the "ocean" beckons and calls. Everything seems right again. Can't wait for the passion to engulf and overcome me once I put on that shirt and pants again. Same pants, same shirt, all new day. Can't hardly wait. Wonder if the passion will last. The ocean calls. Here we go go go.

PS. Bie, have I told you that you're beautiful today. Thanks for waiting and thanks for being here at the start of a new chapter.

I love us too

2010-03-22T19:38:00.000-07:00

Never knew I could feel like this,
like I've never seen the sky before.
Want to vanish inside your kiss
and I love you until the end of time.

~ Moulin Rouge

Today's post is simple. I love us too. I see special in everything we do too. And I never knew I could feel like this. To vanish in your kiss and to love you until the end of time. I woke up today and something was empty but today can't wait for summer to return. I have a date with spring :)

PS. Bie, have I told you today that you're beautiful? You're simply the most beautiful person my eyes have ever "seen" today

Today I'm not there

2010-03-22T03:07:00.001-07:00

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

~ Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Today I'm not by your side at the office like it used to be. But did you know that never did I ever leave you alone? I will never leave you alone baby.

Maybe like the story above, love is what happens when all feeling of being in love has passed. And what is left is this conviction, this belief of love. Love is the beauty of the soul and you are mine, my beauty and my soul. When we kiss, we feel the warmth because it is precisely at that moment when the souls meet. And after all the passion that fades away, you know precisely whether you have met love.

Because the love of that kind lasts. Today begins officially the new chapter of our lives. I don't have a name for this but what I know is that my hand is here waiting for you. I won't be seeing you today. But this blogpost, is an email from my heart. And my heart, my heart baby always beats for you.

Today we stand at start of another chapter, and somehow each page I turn is filled with beauty. You are the greatest beauty that I will ever discover. And the luckiest man is the one who finds that beauty in his life everyday. I know you think I'm lazy. Yes, I maybe be lazier than the past. But this much is true, that my love for you will never be lazy. My love I promise for you is eternal.

I know today my role is not the same but I have no pride and I always listen. Maybe my career path is not the same like when we first met but the truth is that I was meant to meet you and to love you. I always want you to know that nothing is wrong with professing all the love in the world for the woman you love and I love you. Nothing changes and I choose you and I will always love you this way. Today I woke up and it was all beautiful when I met your eyes :)You are my tree and we are one.

PS. Bie, today you're beautiful. I love you.

the only plan - is you

2010-03-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

So, this is love... so, this is love. So, this is what makes life real good. I'm all aglow... and now I know, the key towards heaven is love....

~ Cinderella

West Side Story once quipped, "Only you, you're the only thing I'll see forever. In my eyes, in my words, and in everything I do." Some people say that their lives revolve around someone and everything they do is just for that person. And people call them foolish. I'll take foolish any day as long as that person I fall for is you.

When you are able to wake up to a moment of joy, that is happyness. But what if you are able to wake up to moments of joy everyday without you asking for it? That is more than a blessing and something that can easily be taken for granted. But more importantly, how much it can shape a day for someone as long as that moment holds so much relevance and importance.

That is the essence of love. To hold a moment to last a lifetime. It's easy as humans to forget. For us to let go of the great moments simply because it has passed us by. The problem with us humans is that the emotions do not linger and sometimes we forget how much it means to be able to taste it and live it. That is why I am reminded everyday when I open my eyes, that this warmth next to me is that same single warmth that will continue to light up my life. It's not because I have to remember that it becomes happyness.

But because this warm feeling inside, even after the warmth has passed away, that feeling of holding on and wanting it is strong. Because there is magic in love and for some it fades faster, for me, it lingers and grows.

Sometimes as humans, we let the moments slip by because too many other moments demand our time and attention. But that's the funny part about us. We multitask and beneath all our immediate thoughts, there are innate ones that we hide or not let out in the open. I will not say that every moment is of you, my lion, but I will say that every moment, is of happyness that comes from you and about you. And somehow that warmth, this thing called love, never seems to fade. Sometimes it sneaks out in smses, chats, emails and words, but it's always there.

I write this today. At the moment of crossroads. At the intersection of another path. Yes, I do not have all the answers but I know this. I love you, and that is the only direction I need. I will be leaving AirAsia soon and that in itself is painful on so many personal levels. This is where we met and no matter how my days here end, this was a place where love found it's place, grew and still grows. So inspite of all the temporary emotions at the end of my days here, it never changes the fact that there is always warmth here. Because of you.

Looking ahead at the decisions to be made, my mind is clear and my heart is steady. I do not know the answer while typing this down. But thought it would be a welcome distraction to let you know that underneath it all, I love you and that in itself is a beautiful thing.

PS. Bie, amidst all the noises and all the distractions, you are true, the only thing true that I can count on and look forward to each day. I love you.

Scribblings on a Monday

2010-03-07T23:59:00.000-08:00

Your eyes are the sweetest stars I've ever seen.

~ Moulin Rouge

There are no stories today. Not because you are right here where my eyes can find you. And I am writing this not because there is a rush of emotions that my hands start dancing. In fact, it's just the start of another week to start the month of March. I know it is beautiful like any other day because I woke up to you and I know everyday with you should be called lion's day because you make everyday meaningful. But then again, I did not write this today to tell you that although my eyes and my everything betray me in front of you.

I write this today. For you. I know you always wondered what would my wedding vow be. I wrote this before. Intending it to be beautiful. I know you will be surprised on why am I writing this openly and for you to read.

I wrote this intending it for the 6th of November...

"Today I stand before the sweetest star God could have drawn in the skies. And as I look at them with the most important promise I will make this lifetime, I take your hand, and put on this ring. I stand before you at the start of our chapter, at the start of this commitment of us. This chapter right here, I call marriage. I promise to love you beyond any promise I could ever make, I will be here in any cloud that blocks you from my earth, and I will be here because I will always love you. You are my lion, my partner, my wife. I am no genius but I know what it means to love perfection. Today and everyday of our lives, I give you....me"

But as you know, this only means that I found a "better" wedding vow. Not so sure if I found a "better" one but maybe I have a vow in my mind that better puts into words what I feel for you baby. So consider this a sneak preview of the months to come. Of what I feel for you, our wedding, our marriage and the next chapter of our lives. I know you're only going to get more frustrated wondering what I'm going to say on the biggest day of our lives but that's love. Always surprising, always warm, always whispering that same joy.

I love you baby and I know I won't get to spend so much time physically around you soon but my heart, my heart, I lay in the palm of your hands.

PS. Bie, just wait for our wedding day. It's going to be beautiful :)

The only plan is you

2010-02-04T21:24:00.000-08:00

Being with you made me feel that maybe I didn't have to keep planning anymore because it felt like I was actually living. And that for once in my life I wouldn't have to work so hard at being happy. That it could just happen.

~ Boys and Girls

Today woke up sad and the day became worse when I missed your call. Just going through the motions today and nothing is important than telling you this message baby. I miss you and nothing is more important than you. Everytime you step out, the light becomes a little dimmer and the rain drops a little harder. I woke up to another emptiness and the ribena was sweet because you made it but not sweet enough with you here. People think they get used to things and don't feel so bad.

The only thing I get used to is this feeling that's so bad everytime you go away. I wrote you your note today, with smoke signals, telephones, wire calls all saying the same thing; I love you baby. Today, your lamb is writing you another story while you're gone, a little story to accompany you in Bei Jing when the temperature drops below zero, this heart of a lamb is here to keep you warm.

There are many stories of how the world came into being. But this was long kept hidden and secret. It was not the most interesting but it was the most sincerely written. The story is starts with a void and darkness like all start of the world. And they it began with light and the seas and the land separated. Each living being was rolled out be it from it's nests in the stars to the skies, from beneath the seas to the above and from behind the mountains to the deeps. All manner of creatures arose. Some no longer exists.

But they rolled out into being when the earth groaned and shook at the first light of day. A great many fascinating creatures there were, some magnificent with pride staring at the new world, some minuscule and frightened as being thrown out of their homes and some simply floating and mesmerised by the new surroundings. And with all the rest of being there came lion and a lamb.

They were not sent from the same stars and they was not much that the lion found pleasing at all when she first encountered the lamb. For the lamb was too foreign, it did not speak her language, she kept finding him disturbing for the lamb kept hanging around in the same den and she preferred others from other dens. The lamb was still young in the count of the world compared to the lion. And the lion was restless with how fast the mind of the lamb worked and it seemed too smart for it's own good. But she felt this comfort and allowed the lamb to remain by her side.

The many other creatures picked their spots and some were friendly with the odd couple and some were hostile. The lion always watched the lamb at the beginning of the world and the lamb always found a curious way to paint her smiles. At first wary, all guard was washed away and slowly warm feelings started to grow. And it grew with the world, the flowers, the beauty and the warmth. All was well and there were storms as the land started to calm down and began to be stable.

So many emotions ran in between and the lion and the lamb grew up in their relationship with time. And in time, the lion became more wary over shadows that peeked at the lamb and was jumpy at other creatures out to hunt down the lamb for she had begun to care for the lamb and she was warm beneath it all for the lamb. They went on many adventures at the cracking of the earth, on high seas to the skies riding on beasts of wings and beyond. They explored the depths of the beauty of the earth and often found sweet surprises always lurking around the corner.

The lion was selfish, selfish over happyness and the lamb too had always wanted to provide it. Once, it happened that the lion crept out early and left messages for the lamb but the lamb was too drowsy to realise and it made her sad. But once the lamb awoke, he never stopped sending smoke signals by burning the fields, by calling out to the stars so that she always knew he loved her. Yes, for they were in love.

Darkness was a sad time but never lonely because it was always another day galloping together, paw and hoof pass meadows and pass new memories that continued to grow and live on. Together they rode with time. The lion was at times edgy and nervous about how things proceeded and if the lamb would wander but the lamb only wanted to remain. The world was vast and the lion was worried that one day one beauty, one other creature might stay his heart.

But little did the lion realise that it took much much more than anything in the world to separate both. And if you look real close at the stars at night, you will see a distant star of a lion and a lamb riding each night, writing a new chapter each day of happyness and love. Where do they ride? On and on they say until the end of days.

The End.

This simple story's for you baby. I know you deserve way more than this but I wrote this for you and the moral of the story is simple. I will always love you and ride this life with you. On and on until the end of days. Our road, our path is now, and you are my now which you now and if you ask if you are my tomorrow, yes baby and a million times yes. How do I know? Love has all the answers.

Riding another chapter with you. You are here again and not here. You left with my heart but left all your memories here. From the seat you left empty waiting for you to come back to the emptiness I can not fill. If there is one answer baby, yes that answer is you. You are my one, my all, my everything and I love you. Missing you so so much. I have this plan for my entire life mapped out and that plan is you. Waiting for you..

PS. Today I woke up empty because you took everything and left me only memories that are only enough to last me until you get back. I don't blame you, only my love for you that grows stronger with each passing day. Missing you so so much my lion.

Holding You is to Hold Perfection

2009-12-07T20:56:00.000-08:00

I rather spend one minute holding you instead of spending the rest of my life knowing I never could.

~ Jimmy, Bubble Boy

I may need a compass because all my life I seem to be finding my way to you.

Today, the 2nd of January 2010, we have completed the third item on our DL list and perhaps no words can describe the emotions at the new chapter and a new year.

We made it to Hong Kong and back. To lion, her lamb knows she must be wondering if lamb thinks that the trip was more a relief to be over or was it a joy and a trip full of happyness. The answer is a definite, I would never have traded a second with you in Hong Kong and Macau for another in any other part of the world with any other person.

I found gifts of joy in each MRT ride, the ride into the mist and back and the walks through all the sights and sounds. And inspite of all the new things I saw, you remain the most beautiful gift a man could ask to spend my entire life with. This was a special trip and not because it was a glamourous trip into a foreign country but it was meaningful because of the hand that never left mine.

The truth of the matter is that, in all that cold of the weather, you were my warmth and each step I took, with you, it was a step in all the happyness I could hope for. My heart took notes and my mind will not forget the passing footsteps we made in Hong Kong and Macau. Yes, the weather was not kind at times and we missed Cirque de Soliel but what matters is that we smiled in the rain and we saw moments of happyness that no performance can emulate. We foud beauty in hidden places, frustration in moments but ever this never changed, that I keep falling more and more in love with you.

From taking advantage of you at the bus stop, at the tram and on the cable car in the mists, everything was clear and I saw you in every moment. And I know because it was because of you, every moment I will always remember clearly of our first adventure into the Orient.

We stood on the hills, walked among the clouds and kissed in the heavens of my heart. And I hope yours too.

Some things changed, like you were finally recognised as the royalty that you are and...

I may seem childish and appear stupid at most times, but like Astroboy, you make me be the hero in me. And I will cherish you, protect you, breathe you and love you. And that is not my life vow, for that is what every woman deserves from her man and I want to be your man the rest of our lives. I will always be here for you. Always.

This life, we will have many witnesses to our love, such as patience, honour, courage to stand for each other and the willingness to live each moment together. Take this boat ride of life with me and I promise that I will never let you down because letting you down is not a chapter in our destiny. You may think that is lame and feel that is all flowery in words but this line I write for you and this fact I know for sure, that today and everyday of our lives, I love you more and more. So do not wonder, do not question but believe that my hand is on yours and I am never letting go.

There is no other conclusion than this, I will not rest, not because it's still not our wedding yet but I will not rest until you see everyday that I love you and can not lose you. I will not let you go and after another chapter on our DL list, our love is strong. We fall, we learn, we live and we love. I know there are many imperfections but let our love be that perfection in all that is not at first. I love and with you, I am ready for the world.

Before the gates of the world, I am here for you and writing this, I know that you will always be the one for me and together let us keep walking because life would not be the same without you. The skies ahead are so excited waiting for us and my smile because of you will always stay. These are not just optimistic hopes built in optimistic words because I am determined to make you see them every moment of everyday. It doesn't end with our wedding but the wedding only says there's so much more happyness for us to search for and there's just so many more chapters to write.

With you, I am all I can be and more. With you, I am a star, a hero, a lamb, a man to a woman, a hobbit to an elf and a loyal companion to the end of time. I write this also because I for one, can't wait for our next chapter to start. Like that priest in the video, this love, this life, we will fight for it and if we must, we will die and live for it. I love you baby. Thank you for walking this list, this life, this love with a silly lamb. Thank you for being my meaning, for the smiles and for everything. I can't wait. 2010 watch out!

PS. Bie, I know I have been lazy but I am here and I have always been here and here will I always stay :P I love you and 2010 is a great start because of you. Let's go!

today I miss you

2009-12-07T20:48:00.000-08:00

He kissed me tenderly, adoringly, I forgot the crowd, the place, the time, the reason... only remembering that he loved me, that he wanted me, that I was his.

~ Breaking Dawn

La vita e bella. Life is beautiful. I woke up today knowing that you were coming home and today I will be able to see your eyes again. I love you baby and this much is true; today I woke up smiling because in all darkness, you are coming home. I know today

Baby, today's story was in a far away land. Lights and fairies were free to roam and the skies were wide open books to be read. Adventures and stories in these lands were so common but none more endearing than the story of the lamb and the lion. And there is was on the plains of silence that there was this lamb. Silent as the night and gentle as the breeze for this lamb was lost. He woke up never knowing why was he roaming the hills and never knowing where he came from. And he looked high and low. Searching among other lambs for a place to call home or someone he could recognise.

And on the other plains beyond the hills was a lion, and she too searched. But she looked for her lamb. For it was many dark and stormy nights ago that her lamb was taken away and never seen in the mountains again. She hunted high and low, sniffing the air for any hint of scent but nothing showed itself. She hunted by day and night, following the stars. No river was left untouched or bush undisturbed as she continued to find.

For once, they lived happily tending to themselves in the mountains. And in the midst of the mountains, there was ever joy in each other and the stars would shine for them and the sun would smile behind the clouds. But the traveling hyenas always looking for an easy prey would happen to pass by the mountains and they hid and hunted for the lamb. For they were hungry but they were unwilling to oppose the lion head on. So they waited for the cover of the night and in the darkness they crept.

Holding him off, they rushed off in delight only for the lion to give chase and great was her anger. They made haste for the meadows and in the darkness, they fell and with them the lamb. The lion roared and howled into the night and started down the mountains. The lamb by miracle survived but cracked his skull and lost all memory. Left searching, they were separated. But the lion kept looking and the lamb kept searching for his meaning he knew he was missing.

Forests and sharp edges stood between them but they always looked. And many moons passed and one sunny day they met but the lamb could not remember and he looked in awe and fear. The lion leapt forward in joy but they were not aware of the eyes in the shadows that also leapt at the opportunity to pounce. They leapt to surprise and beyond the shadows, the hyenas appeared ready to take advantage of surprise and a tired lion. But the lamb too would have none of that and rammed right into the horde of hyenas.

The lion gaining composure clawed and roared them into escape. Looking and gazing at the lion, the lamb muttered, "You seem so familiar. Your eyes tell me so many stories but where my mind fails, my heart speaks. I know your face" The lion, teary eyed, said, "You are my lamb and I'm your lion. We are meant to be. Do you not remember me?"

To which the puzzled lamb, spoke, "But you are mighty and I am weak. My head aches but this is clear in my mind. You are everything to me right now." The lion, gently purred and moved forward, "Indeed you are my meaning and I am yours. We should go home now. You must have been so frightened and without you, I know nothing but sadness." The lamb stepped forward, "But I was never afraid, somehow, somewhere, although I do not remember you, I knew you would come. Because I am yours and you are mine."

With that, they vanished. Some say the lamb never remembered his past and came to love the lion again. Some say that the lamb remembered and too came to love her as once was. I like to think that they were meant to be. It is written. The lamb only knows this; today was made to love a lion and today is another chapter of love that the lamb is waiting to complete with the lion. Whether I can feel your hand or not, your heart is here with me and mine with yours. I love you baby and I miss you so so much.

PS. Bie, I'm here waiting. Lamb is not going anywhere. I'm going to be here. Waiting for you. Smile for me baby because I am for you, only you.

keep falling with me

2009-12-07T18:31:00.000-08:00

I thought you were so dumb, so mean and monotoned. Now you're caring, loveable and speak to me with passion. I guess one kiss under a stary sky can make you fall in love. I pray we keep falling.

~ I Guess We Can Fall In Love

Today you're tired and feeling down. But the weather I'm painting for you is nothing worth being down about. Today, you're leaving on a jetplane but in all reality, the only place you're going today is right to my heart. I know you must be thinking what can be so great about hopping on a plane for a two day work trip being tired with nothing to look forward to. But lamb wants lion to know that with each passing day, we are approaching each milestone.

If before, we have nothing to look forward to. Today, we can wait for next week when our food adventure begins and more importantly, the next milestone in our chapter. And with each passing day, each passing milestone, I look back and wonder where were you in the past years and I wonder maybe it's worth it what we have right now. So don't be down with all the worries and stress you have right now.

What we have right here, this place right here is called happyness. Sometimes, I do believe that all the bad stuff happens because only then will the great times be magnified and you want to cling on so much to them that they remain in your memory. Every second, be it at 18 meters under the sea, to dancing under the stars on sands with racing waves, to a kiss after a vomit, to the boat rides, to the meals that didin't matter before I met you to the movies both crappy and great. And of course, the times, I get lost in your eyes.

Today exists because it's another day to walk with you and another day to hold your hand and say today, I'm smiling and it's all because of you. Today, when we're both tired, we can say we are here for each other. I know you're busy before the plane takes off, so I'm writing this here to comfort you in all the madness. In all the craziness around us, I am here for you. If there is any sense or logic in this, I love you and tomorrow, I'm going to wait for you, my lion.

The stars keep falling and each passing day, today, I keep falling for you baby. Bad dreams, bad dreams go away. Good dreams, good dreams here to stay. Tonight, if there are no stars in your sky, rest assured that I am going to shine for you and light your darkest skies. Love you baby and from this moment, I miss you but it's okay. Love is just that, being there for you, at all times and tomorrow is going to shine all the brighter.

PS. Bie, I know it's simple and I know many parts are repetitive but everything happens for a reason. I love you for a reason and that reason is you.

your smile..is all i need

2009-11-17T23:17:00.000-08:00

You have five smiles Pete. One when you think someone an idiot. One when you think someone’s REALLY an idiot. One when you’re singing to Barry White. One when you’re getting all dressed up. And one when you’re looking at me.

~ Rosalee, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!

It's taken a while to find the time to write about how far we have come but today everything looks all the more clearer. And on the way to work, we saw a rainbow :) like little pockets from heaven, there was sunshine and maybe lion didin't get it when I pointed it out to her but she's my little pockets of heaven that I see. This morning I hugged her tight and felt maybe that was heaven. And holding her hand as we drove to work was another. And as she fed me in the car, that was another. All these small glimpses of heaven. And all I can do - is smile.

Today, we're at another milestone. Our wedding is slowly taking shape and Bob Nicolas seems to be on his way to our wedding. His takes are absolutely fantastic and to summarise what we have so far are absolute quality. Lion is worried about the rising costs but I'm confident we will pull through. We've come this far and to hold her hand this way feels so right.

We started with Fifoto and we're excited that we're going to have Fiona and her team on our special day. http://fifototemp.ipower.com/blog

and then somehow, the interest expanded to include the Photoz

Then, two weeks ago, this video happened. This is the video that first made us fell in "love" with his work

and then, lion spotted this, and we were sold and Bob Nicolas is on his way.

This seems to be her favourite video and am sure that ours is going to be as equally beautiful if not more so :) Most of our vendors are set and to boot, we are even going to engage a vintage car who's owner, Mr. Lim has simply been a gem.

And of course, a wedding planner to boot, Ms. Natasha Khoo has been gracious to us ever since we won the wedding competition last month :)

These are the five smiles that we have for our wedding so far and I sure am excited, more than ever, as we kick off the countdown to our wedding :) This is our story. No fairytales today as no fairytale could mean more to us than this. This moment, right here, is my huge piece of heaven. And I see it in your eyes, your smile and in you. Today, baby, like always, you're beautiful and I love you. 6 November 2010 couldn't have come sooner.

PS. Bie, today we still write this chapter of love and everyday it just gets better. That's the only way to say it. And I believe it. Love you bie.

i want to dance with you

2009-11-17T23:10:00.000-08:00

Ivy Walker: When we are married, will you dance with me? I find dancing very agreeable. Why can you not say what is in your head?
Lucius Hunt: Why can you not stop saying what is in yours? Why must you lead, when I want to lead? If I want to dance I will ask you to dance. If I want to speak I will open my mouth and speak. Everyone is forever plaguing me to speak further. Why? What good is it to tell you you are in my every thought from the time I wake? What good can come from my saying that I sometimes cannot think clearly or do my work properly? What gain can rise of my telling you the only time I feel fear as others do is when I think of you in harm? That is why I am on this porch, Ivy Walker. I fear for your safety before all others. And yes, I will dance with you on our wedding night.

~ The Village

There's this dance that I dreamt about. And in this you were perfect and I was there, holding your hand and all I saw was the love in your eyes. I remember I told you once that when I close my eyes, I see our wedding and it's beautiful. I close my eyes and I hear this beautiful melody. Lathika's theme in my ears and there you are running towards me on the grass and we swirl around. I see this happyness that will always last. And I see you in your with gown and it's perfect. I see you.

Last night I woke up three times, dreaming of you each time. And everything was happyness. Maybe that's why I could barely sleep well, waking up eager for today. For today, my baby's coming home. Lamb has been waiting and every second has been worth it. Today lamb is writing you another story and hopefully it will chase the blues of your day away as the plane takes you home.

People say that little hobbits did not exist but in fact, they do and they are very much real. The tales that were told were many and the secrets that were whispered were kept hidden. For their numbers dwindled and they were slowly becoming a lost race in the world. Here is one of such a tale that is still whispered in hush silence by those that know of it.

There far away in the land that is now forgotten. Lonely Meadows they used to call it. And at that time, the hobbits mingled freely and they do not hide like now among men for they were a free folk. And they loved merriment and laughter. The hobbits would party in the evenings and toil the soil in the day. They had no worry in the world for little did riches did they crave nor did any of the beauty of gems captivate them. And among them, this story starts with a hobbit who was young in hobbit years and he called upon the name, Lambo.

Now, there was a tale of another hero, Lambo and this hobbit wanted very much to be like his hero but this story is for another time to tell. He would live the day very much like any other hobbit except when night visited and he would lie under the heavens and stare into the ninght. He would wonder perhaps there was more to life than all this. He counted the stars and wondered how many worlds were there in the skies. Perhaps they were also staring back at him and wondering the same. Everyday he would try to step that one step further away onnly to turn back once making that one step further each day.

Lambo was always looking for an adventure and his came on a normal silent day. The sun was high and there was nothing unusual in the wind. When all of a sudden, a raging rabbit rode through the Meadows and so many ran and hid in fright. Many tried to knock it down but were all brushed aside. All ropes were no use and as the rabbit continued the rampage, the figure jumped from over a ledge and hanged onto its fur.

Shocked, the rabbit leapt away and with it bore away no other than Lambo himself. Crossing the streams, Lambo realised that for the first time he would be leaving the Meadows for the first time in his life. He clung as hard as he could and the rabbit ran and jumped but he held on. Bumping over a tree, Lambo finally lost his grip and the rabbit made away and escaped. Startled and frightened by the new surroundings, he gazed around him. Everything seemed so huge.

He stood still and kept hoping he was back in the Meadows. Many a time passed until he heard a tune in the woods. Searching for the source, he crashed past the bushes and stumbled upon an elf. For he knew not that the lady was an elf but she was the most fascinating and beautiful creature he ever saw. Muddled and dazzled, he stared and the elf shocked by the intruder said, "Who goes there? Show yourself. Are you friend or foe?". "Neither harm to I mean," he stammered. "But a friend to you I would want to be. I am Lambo as from the stories. I am not as tall but I am looking for an adventure."

Giggling as such an intorduction, the elf brushed her strands of hair away as she replied, "They call me Lion. And I too am on an adventure. Maybe this is fate. I am sick hence I'm looking for a cure." To which Lambo grinned, "Perhaps. I am small but my heart is big. May I be your companion on this journey? I am useful too. My hands are strong and I have a good back. You can lean and relly on me. Always. As for your cure, we'll look together.". The elf chuckled, "We'll see.". And turned aroud. Afraid and struck to the ground, Lambo so very wished to follow but all he could do was gaze at the ground.

"Aren't you coming?" The smile reappeared. "Yes. I will be there always to protect you." Smiling again, he lunged forward with her in tow. They traveled many lands, saw the land, sea and sky. They went to the depths of the ocean, to the mechanics of the sky to the highest peak of moutains. Yet they both continued looking. It was fate that one day they would both lie at night gazing under the sky. Lambo muttered, "Once I wanted to look and now that I am looking, I finally understand. What I have been looking for is and has always been by my side." Lion, grew red in the face and said, "I too found what I was looking for in you. I had been sick but today I am cured. How strange.".

The silence of the night continued and from the on began the legend of the hobbit and the elf. They say their adventures live on. And some say that they found the greatest treasure in each other for nothing satisfies other than the logic of love. For only in the mysterious equation of love can any logic be found. And today, the logic is that you are coming back. My meaning, my hope and my dreams. I can't wait to open my eyes today. I love you bie.

PS. Bie, today and forever, dance with me. I love you.

no other except you

2009-11-17T22:48:00.000-08:00

Baby: Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.

~ Dirty Dancing

Baobei, I woke up alone again and the first thing I did was to reach out to handphone and let you know how much I miss you and how I can't get used to waking up without you. Today I really felt this emptiness when waking up. I think it's called the lion effect. In a theory written by the famed Prof. Lamb in 1314, he clearly explained the withdrawal symptoms of not having the lion within a 5cm radius for extended periods of time. Symptoms include waking up in the middle of the night calling out the lion's name and endlessly thinking about her presence 24/7 until hunger and thirst is often neglected. Victims have been known to be zombie walking until the lion in question returns.

But enough about me. I write this and everyday you are gone for you. Because I love you and I want everyday to be beautiful for you. So it started with a sms and now a blogpost and followed by missing you the entire day. Today I know you will be busy so I'm writing another story to cheer you up at the end of today. So I'm hoping that you will smile because no matter how dark a day can be. With you, it's going to shine.

This story starts with a swish, a bang and a bell. For in this castle on the highest peak and in the tallest tower was a princess. And it was with the swish of the star and at that moment many moons ago that she was born. There was a bang of doors as so many hurried to spread the news. And the bells across the kingdom rang to announce the joy. But fortune was not hers as she had to be taken away. For there was a prophecy that no princess should stay within the kingdom for it was her fate that another should claim her.

So she was sent to the tower and there she grew up. Her friends were the birds that visited often and the stars at night. For she was a child that had been destined. She was lonely and wondered why her family had to send her away. Many moons passed and she grew in stature and beauty. Many a traveling knight and prince sought her out but she turned them away. For they wanted nothing but her beauty and her as a prize.

On the other end of the land was a peasant boy who grew up toiling the land and soil and he grew up making friends with the beasts of the fields and talked to the plants. He too heard of this princess and his parents often told him off for dreaming of the impossible. So he dared to dream, believe the unbelievable and never took no for an answer (pun intended). And once the spring came on his twentieth year, he left for the tower. He passed many a disappointed prince and warrior. But he only strengthened his resolve and walked on.

There were many princes already waiting and they snickered and made fun of him even daring to be among them when so many who were better had already failed.

As he reached the tower, he looked up and called out, "May the most beautiful of the land show her face?". To which the princess replied, "How would you know who is the most beautiful in the land when you have not seen her. Aren't you the same as the many nobles who have come? Or the knights who boast to fight battles to honour my beauty?".

To which the peasant called out, "If you will not show your face, how then can a comparison be made?". To which the princess then appeared, "So which words of flattery will you use now?". At which the peasant replied, "None. Not because I am a man of few words or because you deserve some. But I stand here because I have a dream of love."

"And I came to find that. Having seen you, I come having talked to birds, making friends with beasts of the field. I unlike the others have not seen the things they have seen but I know a beauty that will last and I see it in you. But pray tell why are you empty?".

Shocked at such a reply, the princess replied, "Empty? I am visited everyday by suitors of every land! Everyone wants my hand in marriage.".

To which the peasant replied, "Why is it then that your smile is empty. Your words are empty and your eyes still keep looking? I may not have the robes of richness and I may not be taught by the greatest minds in the land but I know it when I see emptiness."

The pricess remained silent then bashed back, "Then what do you know about all this?"

"I may not be smart but I know what love is. Love is like when you whisper to something and although you may not fully understand what it says in return, you remain loyal because love binds. I know love is like takinng wings, it's not about letting go but trusting that love always remains and will find you"

The peasant then got on his knees, "I offer you this. I offer you this love that will remain after my speech has gone and my mind is slow. I offer these eyes that will always see you as perfect and I give you this heart that will be yours and yours alone. I give you me. I am a peasant, my place is with the land and I care for everything with this simple love that you will always be before me."

The princess was struck and she opened the tower. Everyone was astonished and many different endings were told. Some say that the princess sent him away for his foolishness and he was never heard of again. Some say that they found love far away from everything.

The ending? I think I am always here for you and that today, finally being able to see you now. You are perfect and I love you baby. Today, I miss you more than yesterday and I woke up loving you more than the last second of being awake. One more day. Lamb is waiting.

PS. Bie, I'm with you and that's all that matters. I love you.

I'm here to rawk your world

2009-11-17T21:04:00.000-08:00

Your name makes no matter to me, so long as I can call you my own.

~ A Knight's Tale

Today I woke up missing warmth. The warmth of you. Baby, I really do miss you so so much. Today lamb is here, typing this ready to rawk my lion's world. On a day when everything seems to not make sense, like why are you there and why am I not with you, I am here to say that I'm going to make you smile today..again. Today, baby like any other day, because of you, it's beautiful.

Just saw you on webcam and you are the most beautiful person in this world to me. Period. And to be able to write something for the most beautiful person and make her smile is a privilege. Lamb woke up today missing you so so much bie. Today's story is about painting smiles on a Tuesday.

There was this tale about three brothers who started on a journey. They were poor and the land was by stricken by poverty and grief. There had been no rain and no plants grew to feed the people. They heard tales and stories of a mystical deity who lived in the mountains. Filled with hope, the village chief gathered the people and called for volunteers who would brave the journey to meet the deity. Three brothers stood up and volunteered. The path to the mountains were filled with danger and peril. They rejoiced but they were also worried for their safety.

Ont the day they set out, the villagers gathered what they could spare and gave them for their travel. There were a bit of food, flasks of water and spare clothes to brave the cold mountain. The brothers set out and they faced many challenges. Among the first hurdles that they had to face was the dreaded boiling river of doom. Fastening their clothes, they made ropes to cross. Thus they were bound by the lesson that in times of danger, only by sticking together can they survive.

They passed through the swarm of crocodiles and hidden creatures in the deeps. Sleeping back to back, they did not sink in the swarms and mud. They traveled past the rocks and sharp edges of the bottom of the mountain. Lost in the maze of the moutain, they left markers and made their way to the top slowly in the mists. And lo and behold at the top, they finally found a piece of haven. And within the lush gardens of the top, they found the deity.

The deity motioned them forward and told them not to worry for their sincerity had warmed his heart and rain would fall and the land would be bountiful. And he turned to them again mischieviously asking them, "Tell me now. How would you choose to be rewarded?". Ignoring their protest that they were not worthy and they had proven their worth, the first bowed and said, "If this be it, I would ask for the mightiest sword to fight any enemy. For I desire fame and riches and adoration of the world."

To this the deity granted and many years in his life, he won many battles and finally he was betrayed to a gruesome death by the same sword and by his own son. At this the deity wondered, "How fickle is the desire of the people for fame. Fame is fickle and does not last. Why want for the attention of the world that passes by?". He sighed and wondered about the choice of the first brother.

The second answered, "I choose the greatest riches in the world unrivalled by any other." And many years down the road, when death came. The second brother was left alone and old in bed with his wives each desiring their own treasure. Sons fighting over the remains and a grand tomb that was cold and lonely. At this the deity again pondered, "Why seek for materials that do not satisfy?"

The third softly muttered, "I always want the warmth of love and unity which brought us here. I ask for the ability to love all around me always with the same strength and peace". To this the deity was astonished and smiled while the other brothers were more happy with their choices. For many years at the end of his life, he died in the arms of the one he loved and his children had no great tomb for him but he lives on, his love remained and maybe, just maybe he died the happiest.

Know this story is a bit corny and overused but the message is the same. Today and everyday I ask for the ability and the strength to be able to always honour, love and protect you. I ask that you and me have the peace to always love and be happy with what we have in each other. I ask that every second be as meaningful as I have experienced yesterday with you. And today, I hope that you have a measure of peace and love because I am with you baby. Always. No matter where you are or what it is that you are doing but I am here for you.

And I miss you so so much.

PS. Bie, today really is beautiful after talking and seeing you online. You complete me.

there's nothing I would change

2009-11-17T20:47:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't change one second of our life together.

~ Clare Abshire, The Time Traveler's Wife

You left today and I'm here with the taste of your lips. I will be here waiting baby for you. As usual, I start the day when you are gone by saying this little prayer for you. That my God will keep you safe wherever you are flying and I will be here waiting and be good for you. I wouldn't change one second of our life we have together even the times like these when you have to go away. I think in some ways it makes us stronger in our love and in this relationship. Yes, it is painful but it's not easy to love someone perfect.

Last night, we both couldn't sleep well. I think mine was really because I was scared of sending you off again in the morning and saying goodbye for a while. Today really is beautiful and it's beautiful because it's sustained by your memory. Today there is no reason to be sad because here we are walking this road together. I said goodbye but in all reality you are here with me and I am with you right now in that plane.

Baby, when you go away, I like to write you a story so this one's for you today.

There was this meadow in a faraway land called "Baby won't you tell me why, there's sadness in your eyes". On this meadow, there was a lamb and he had no name because he did not belong. He galloped day and night happily minding his own business. He often hummed to the tune of, "All I Have to Give" while strolling down a stream or buzzing with the song of "Love Me For a Reason" while trekking down hillsides. There was an air of peace in the meadows alike "I can see clearly now the rain is gone" but there was this emptiness in the air because "Where is the Love?".

The lamb would search under every rock, behind every hill and follow every stream but he could not even be "Accidentally In Love". Every lamb he sought never fit and he could never sing "Your Body is a Wonderland". This was until the lamb came by lo and behold, a lion. Approaching merrily, he asked her, "If you're not the one, then why does my heart feel glad. Today~". To which the lion replied, "Nothing's Going to Change My Love for You". Bleating in happyness, the lamb shouting to the skies, this is the "Shape of My Heart" and I will love you with "All I Have to Give". "Sarang Hae Dwel Gae Yo", the little lamb proposed and the lion roared in agreement.

They rode high and long into the sunset. "Somewhere Over the Rainbow, blue birds fly". Many a day was all about "Bringing Sexyback". And they wandered far and wide, seeing all parts of the meadow. But one day came when the lion heard distress cries and she had to leave to go back to help her kind. And in that moment, she replied "Angels Brought Me Here" and to here I will retun. "Wait For Me", she replied. The lamb waited day and night. Some days he sang, "It Feels Like Tonight" and other days, "I Wanna Love You". And time passed but he never left and always waited.

One day, out of the horizon, she came back singing "Let me Go Home" for my heart is with my lamb and she roared, "I'd come for you". And the lamb too ran to met his destiny. "Truly Madly Deeply" he ran. No one knew what happened in between to the lion while she went but most importantly, the lamb loved and waited with "All I Have to Give". No one knew much either what traspired or happened but the story continues. They say there are myths in songs like "Better Today" and "Lathika's theme". But what's important is that the lamb will wait for his happyness, his only happyness to return.

~ The End ~

PS. Bie, today is beautiful and I hope this story made you smile a little bit. I'm here missing you. This I can not lie. I smile for you and I hope you are smiling for me too. Love you baby. Muacksss

Today and everyday, there is only you

2009-10-21T21:11:00.000-07:00

" Fate exists but it can only take you so far, because once you're there, it's up to you to make it happen."

~ Can't hardly wait

Today, my lion woke up with another nightmare that she is not the most attractive woman for a lamb. Of course telling her that she was silly is not going to help anyone. So here's this. I write this to remind you that you are the only one my eyes want to see, the only person my mind would bother waking up to meet and the only wife, I wake up counting the days until it all becomes real.

It's another 353 days to go and each day I tick one day off my list towards the happiest day of my life. Baby, it's okay to be scared because I sure am so scared to lose you too. I'm here to say, baby, it's okay for you to be the voice I wake up wanting to hear, the face I can't wait to kiss and the warmth I can never let go in the morning. If there is any need for convincing, be convinced that today I love you more than yesterday and it doesn't end until the day we both hold our last breathe.

I believe in fate and in destiny and I also believe in making things happen for us. Yes, I believe life is a combination of both. Because we decide how we want our life to turn out. We're walking this road and the only path I want to take is to be happy with you everyday. It's been a while since I last wrote and tomorrow, we're going to see our wedding planner that we both won :) we're going to share our plans on how we plan to be happy for the rest of our lives. Yes, I'm excited to share and make it better baby.

Everyday seems to be passing us by and thank you for letting me be by your side. I know sometimes you do get worried about some things but trust in your lamb. There is only one lion for a lamb and one lamb for a lion. That's exactly what I wrote for you in your note today. In so many ways, what it actually means is that you are perfect to me and you complete me and I only hope that I appear perfect and you feel I complete you too. Today my blue lion is perfect and your smile dazzled me from the moment I opened my eyes.

You started with nightmares but I'm here to be the sweetest dream of today. I love you baby and today is beautiful, always, because of you. Lamb is sleepy today but just watch me gallop for you. Gallop, gallop ~ baa baa ~

PS. Bie, I always like your blue dress and the way you sashay while walking in blue. You're so beautiful. Love you.

Waking up to Perfection on a Wednesday

2009-10-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

"I believe there's a place where the restless souls wander, burdened by the weight of their own sadness. They wait for a chance to set the wrong things right. Only then can they be reunited with the ones they love. Sometimes, a crow shows them the way; because sometimes, love is stronger than death."

~ City of Angels

Today we both woke up lazy to get to work. I think I rather be still in sheets hugging my lion. I rate my lion's hugability at a ten out of ten. Been trying to keep track of our progress on our wedding through this blog and the latest development is something to shout about. Ever since finalising the venue and photographers, we actually won 10K in an online contest and things are definitely looking up.

Nothing to complain about as this is definitely the icing on an already delicious recipe for a wedding to remember. We wrote in total four entries and one got us the top prize and here we are with a wedding planner and a beach wedding to come.

Our wedding entry was really simple and I'm convinced that it was her perfect look when I tried to "nerd" kiss her that won us the grand prize. What are the odds? We made it all the way and on the day of announcement, which happened to fall on Halloween's Day and were pleasantly shocked. I remember waiting for her to get back home under the tree and there was a slight breeze as I turned off my engine and held the handphone in my hand. We were on the phone and then this SMS came in. We were in that moment, one of the five shortlisted couples. In fact our candidate number was number one .

It was a mad rush to the party and three hours later we ended up like this. A winning smile and a winning entry. Lion's face upon the announcement was pure classic and it was akin to the Oscar announcement. We were in pure happyness shock and that simply was the moment to remember. That victory picture with Nathasha was simply unbelievable, now that we have a garden, church, hotel and beach wedding. Can't ask for more. I wanted to write a more enchanting story or a fairytale to describe the moment but no fairytale or created story could match what really happened.

Having said that, we have 367 days to go until our wedding. Appreciate each step we take along the way and this is shaping up to be an adventure to reflect on for a lifetime. Baby, thank you for walking this journey with me, for taking the time, the patience and all the love in the world to marry me and write this chapter of life together. Maybe today is not too bad to wake up to. Waking up to perfection on a Wednesday.

PS. Bie, I love you and today and everyday of our lives, you insist on making it perfect. Walking this road is simply beautiful. This is our moment.

listening to my heart..nothing is perfect without u...

2009-10-21T20:38:00.000-07:00

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart."

~ Meet Joe Black

Some things in life are the only things worth living, breathing and looking for. And when I think of these things, I think of your smile in the morning when you look for me before you get up, I think of you lazing and gently lying down on me on your couch and I think of when you make me ribena or milo at night. These things are worth living, breathing and looking forward to. Imagine how much more lies ahead with the trips we want to make, the moments we want to create, those are special. But I wake up everyday looking forward to these "special" moments with you.

I think I'm pampered that way. That these two days when I wake up to not be able to see these, I feel this emptiness, this incompleteness that maybe I'm really spoiled by this happyness called you. I like to think that I'm not a selfish person but when it comes to this happyness, I want to be selfish and I want to want everything about you. Not selfish to the point that I want everything you and everything you do, but I'm selfish about this happyness and joy with you. And that is something I want to protect and keep.

I woke up today to knowing that you are tired, maybe bullied and not having enough rest. And when you do not have enough rest, you get easily sick and feel unwell :( all I want to do today is make you smile, protect you and wait for you to come back. Today is beautiful baby and it's beautiful again because of you. I'm going to start today by painting you this story and I hope you will like it. I don't have many strengths but many this canvas can be this beautiful smile for you.

During the reign of the Han, there was this elderly couple who lived in the outskirts of Longzhong, in today's Hubei province. Old Man Chen was a farmer who toiled the lands and the peaceful surroundings was a blessing. Old Woman Chen was hospitable by nature and both lived in a tavern which they had owned for many years. They both longed for a child but were never blessed with one. They looked for comfort in passing guests. It was in this instance that they both found a crying baby in their tavern one day. Unblemished and wrapped only in cloth in one of the rooms, they took it to be a sign from heaven and raised the child as their own. Naming her, Si Chi.

Many years passed and the child grew up to be a beautiful lady. But although fair of face, Si Chi was never one who was contented with all the expectations of being a lady and she wanted to always walk that much further everyday, see that next house beyond the trees and wonder lay beyond the next road. The couple knew that they did not have long and they were worried for Si Chi. It so happened one day on a rainy night with thunder and storm, that an injured wandering traveler would knock on the doors. Afraid of bandits and the safety of Si Chi due to the darkness, the old couple shouted for him to search for another inn.

Dismayed the traveler was about to leave when the doors opened and Si Chi was at the door gesturing for him to hide from the rain. Overjoyed at the hospitality, he stepped in cautiously, gracious for the kindness shown. Introducing himself as Lam Bo, a scholar on the way to the capital, Si Chi was mesmerised and wanted to know more about his journeys. The old couple were suspicious but slowly warmed up at the good nature of Lam Bo. Lam Bo was traveling to retake the annual exams in the capital but chanced upon bandits and had suffered injuries while escaping.

While recovering, Lam Bo would tell Si Chi stories about his wanderings and travels every night. She would listen and smile at all the adventures often interjecting and asking questions. In time, feelings would grow too beneath the flicker of candle flames. With time, the wounds healed and Lam Bo was bound to leave for the exams. Thanking the old couple for their hospitality, Lam Bo left with a heavy heart and left the farewell for Si Chi at the last. Shedding a tear, Lam Bo mentioned that he would come back upon finishing the exams as a scholar and that every night on the road, Si Chi would be that lonely companion in his mind.

Si Chi promised to always be there for him and Lam Bo began his final trek to the capital. Every night, Lam Bo would write a note and let it flow to the winds. It spoke of this love that had blossomed in the tavern and he hoped to let his love fly every night back to Si Chi. The exams went on for a month and upon finishing, the candidates were required to stay in the capital to await the results. Lam Bo was announced as on the three finalist scholars and was bound to take up post in the capital. Overjoyed, Lam Bo requested that the celebratory parade pass the tavern. On the way back, he passed the taverns only to find that Si Chi had already left on a journey of her own and she promised to return after 3 years.

Lam Bo was devastated and rejecting all worldly fame and material, left the post and left to search for her in his journeys. They both traveled their path and never met, only to arrive again at the tavern. There Lam Bo and Si Chi finally met under the gaze of the candles.

"Why did you leave?"

"I never left..I was with you. I kept my word. I never left you."

"But you were not here."

"I went looking high and low to learn things. To be able to be myself"

"But the one I love is you and the one right here"

"I never changed. I saw things and I knew that the only place I wanted to be is right here with you. I love you too"

With that they remained in the tavern. No one knows what happened after that. Some say they left on another journey. Some say they continued to stay at the tavern and took over from Old Man Chen and Old Women Chen. But the thing for sure was they stayed in love for all time.

PS. Bie, listening to your voice on the phone is pure happyness. I love you. I'm here waiting and you never left.

galloping for a lion on a Wednesday

2009-10-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

"It is at times like this that I know what my purpose is in life. I am here to love you, to hold you in my arms, to protect you. I am here to learn from you and receive your love in return. I am here because there is no other place to be."

~ Message in a Bottle

I love you. I love you to me means that you are more important than me. I love you means that when you are not around, not only will I behave but my heart is missing this huge chunk and it's all because of you. But it's okay because my heart was never whole before you anyways. So I am waiting. Waiting right here to be complete. I guess I too am spoiled, spoiled to always have you to love, to hold and to cherish. I live everyday not taking things for granted and on days that you are not around, I do feel that a part of me is not living.

Why are you there? You asked. Maybe you are there so that I can miss you, and always know how much you mean to be and how I can't live without you. You are there so that when you get back, a lamb can give you all the TLC and tenderness that a lion deserves. Maybe you are there so that missing each other means something. But I know one thing, that every second you're not here, I keep that memory, hold it and wait for you to come back then pamper you like no tomorrow.

Bie, I know you're tired from the entire night travel and you will be exhausted after the party tonight. So I am going to remind you that your lamb will always be here for you. No matter what or where you are, I will always be here for you. I know you like stories so here's another simple one that I hope you will like. This is not a real story but I hope this one that I write based on my imagination will entertain you for today :)

Magena, was a young girl who wandered around the hills and regions of the west for her name to the tribes meant moon. And she was as delightful as the moon on any pale night. She was young and often wandered far from her hut searching for beauty and joy. She was betrothed to Mapiya who was nicknamed after the sky. For he was plain and simple but he always whispered to Magena how he would complete her for in all beauty, he was the sky that held her true. For when she was missing, the sky would long for the moon. The tribes lived in bliss and happiness and spent many nights under the stars counting their blessings.

Now not all among the tribes were of good nature and of kind heart, Taima named after thunder was a jealous tribesmen and he often lusted after Mapiya. As she wandered alone sometimes unwatched by Mapiya, Taima would follow close by eyeing any opportunity for himself. Taima watched day by day and he understood the patterns of her travel and he convinced himself fueled by his lust to capture her. Setting his plans, Taima ventured and pretended to be of injury on the path that Magena would travel. Magena falling for the trick inquired only to be captured and taken away to the mountains where Taima knew no tribesmen would dare venture.

Mapiya was worried for Magena and searched high and low behind every valley and hill after days of her gone missing. Magena who was trapped longed for Mapiya and dreaded Taima. Taima would woo her day by day promising the sun and the stars only to be turned away. Magena would look longingly out of her capture pining for Mapiya. With each passing day, the patience of Taima would grow thinner as he heard Magena cry for Mapiya.

Mapiya chanced upon Taima at the mountains while Taima was gathering wood in the nearby forests of the mountain. Finding it odd for Taima to be acting so suspiciously so far away from the tribe, suspecting the worse, Mapiya tailed Taima back to the enclosure and capture tent of Magena. Waiting in patience for nightfall, Mapiya silently crept in the still darkness of the night to peek into the enclosure. Behold, lo did he see his fair Magena weeping into the night. Enraged, Mapiya seethed and bit his lips in anger at the betrayal of Taima. Silently lifting the locks, he whispered to Magena to escape. Overjoyed, Magena leapt into Mapiya's arms as they crept around the enclosure to head back to safety.

Taima who was listening behind the doors felt it odd that there was no usual crying that night and thought maybe his luck and fate had turned. After some time of rejoicing at his good turn, Taima decided to look into Magena. Shocked at her chamber being empty, he searched for signs only to find the broken locks and made haste after the trail of Magena and Mapiya. Catching up, he shouted in anger with a spear telling them to go no further. Mapiya wishing to duel to the death was made to stay still by Magena who could not afford to lose him. Shedding a tear, Magena turned to face Mapiya, "Will you stay with me for a lifetime?" "Always"

With that they leapt and the Gods took pity on them and caught them from falling into the cliff and set them up in the air. And they said, "Magena, for you are truly of compelling beauty and for others to never desire you, may you show your faces in stages by the day and only appear at night?" At this Magena protested, "How then can I be with my heart's desire, Mapiya?" To this, the gods replied, "Mapiya, will you spend this eternity holding Mapiya and being loyal to her alone?" To this, Mapiya answered, "Yes. For all eternity". It was thus that the moon and the sky were made.

Taima angered at this favour of the gods, turned to the imps and they in turn made him thunder. For thunder and the sky would never share the same likeness. One sought to uphold the blue and calmness and the other to grow and shout of terror and anger. But for all eternity, Magena and Mapiya will always have each other.

~~ The End ~~

Hope you like this story bie :) Today, is beautiful and you are beautiful. I am smiling for you and I hope with this story and this post, you too will smile for me. Another day will pass and you will be back soon. Lamb is waiting. Waiting for a lion. And they will always have each other. For an eternity. Writing our happily ever after, one day, one step at a time.

PS. Bie, I miss you. I miss you, miss you so so much. Love you baby.

nitemares go away but i am here to stay

2009-10-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

“You are what I never knew I always wanted”

~ Fools Rush In

Lion had a nightmare today and it woke her up crying. Definitely not the best way to wake up to a day. And she's been having these weird nightmares recently. All I hope is that day by day by loving her more, all these dreams will be just dreams that fade away with time. It's okay to be afraid and nervous about a relationship and it's okay to have nightmares. Because its the responsibility of a lamb to make a lion feel secure and safe every moment each day.

So I am writing this note. Not to comfort because only love comforts. And only when I have loved enough can trust be earned. There is nothing to complain about but there is a lot to care about. Today is beautiful. I know you did not wake up to something beautiful today but I am going to make it beautiful for us. Dreams will fade but I am here to stay. I am here baby. Like always for you, for us. Today, the sun is shining again because today you came back after two days and today I will paint you this smile that will warm your heart.

It started with a note, it follows with a blogpost and it will continue with all these things that I want you to see. So what is it that I want you to see today baby? I want you to see how much a lamb will make you happy. I want you to see how much joy you bring to me and how important you are to me today. But most importantly, baby, I want you to see this love that we share. I do not promise that maybe tonight the nightmares will not come back but I promise I will be here to keep you warm if they choose to return. I will be here to chase them away and I will be here to paint you smiles.

Nightmare comes from an Old English word, maere which means 'goblin, incubus.' The term nigt-mare began in 1300, and it referred to an evil female spirit afflicting sleepers with a feeling of suffocation. To Red Indians, it is a sign of the spirits that talked to them and to ancient Egyptians, these dreams were warnings from the world of the dead. Psychologists believed that nightmares are what we are most afraid of. Baby, there is this story about nightmares and how they began.

There is this tale shared among ancient tribes of neighboring Maya that speaks of dreams and nightmares. They say that in the beginning, man did not need sleep and they were free to wander the earth walking among the gods. And those were peaceful times with no darkness. There was this goblin god who was mischievous and was envious of the happiness around. So the goblin god made a pact with the imps of the underworld to unleash darkness to the world. Carefully, they broke apart the gates of Charath, the underworld and darkness was unleashed to the world. The breaking of the gates tore the world apart

The gods and men shocked by the sudden darkness were in despair and within the darkness, the imps wrecked utter havoc. Many lost their minds in fright at the sight of these imps. The gods anxious to protect man, drew over a cloud that made them sleep so that the imps could not drive them mad. One by one they cast the imps back to the underworld. Some of the imps hid and invaded the dreams of man in revenge, appearing in all forms and shapes to terrify man. But sleep protected them as the gods rooted them out. They say until today they are still some lingering and some still escape the broken gates but each are hunted down and taken away by the gods.

Bie, I am no god but I am here to protect you from any eventuality of any nightmare. I am here to say that I will always be around and that there is nothing to fear. I know it's easier to say than to do, but today is beautiful and today I am going to make you smile. Watch me gallop those nightmares away baby. And if those naughty imps dare appear in your sleep, rest assured that although I am no knight, but I am here to fight for our happiness and I am here to bring that smile back to where it belongs. Love you baby.

If these imps appear in your nightmare baby, lamb is here to kick their butt!!!

PS. Baby, I am here waiting to see you and today really is beautiful. Nightmare or not, lamb is here. I will always be here so have no fear, let me see that smile.

i miss you today...my everything

2009-10-20T18:52:00.000-07:00

Holden: I crave you! I wanna know everything about you. Who are you?
Justine: I'm just this woman.

Yes baby, you are more than just this woman. You are my everything and I miss everything about you today. Yes, maybe I may not be smiling much when hearing from you while in the middle of a trip that you will be away again next week on another trip. But the truth is you made me smile today. You make me want to wake up to today. You made me smile when I heard your voice and you definitely made me smile when you told me you love me. As to the question of whether I know that? Of course I know that, it's the part of not being able to tell you the same face to face that maybe I'm not smiling that brightly.

But today, today is beautiful. I can list a few reasons why it is beautiful. For one, it's beautiful because you sound so sexy waking up in the morning. Secondly, today is beautiful simply because you live in it and maybe more so beautiful because today, you begin your trip back. I know I mention today a lot but today, I smile for you and I think there's nothing more beautiful than to have someone you love to smile for and look forward to meeting.

Baby, I want to write you another story today and I hope you will like it. Am not sure when you will read this but I hope you like this story. Today's story has a title, it's called, "Saving Private Lamb".

Lamb was a sad soul who was pushed around and not taken seriously in the community of other lambs. Lamb was too short they said, and he had parallel feet too some thought. The country of Lamb was under the threat of the invading alien force. So Lamb signed up for the army in hopes of finding meaning and to perhaps earn respect. Lamb was not the fastest runner, or the toughest soldier, or even the most sharpshooter in the army. But he was the most persistent and the one who endured the most humiliation. Because he realised that if he quit and went back, the band of lambs back home would only humiliate him further. So he persevered and was patient.

He bid his time and practiced hard to be the best private in the army. He never was the best but he was ready when he was called to the frontline. His unit, the 23rd Lamb infantry was assigned the difficult and most dangerous task of holding the frontline against the savage army of the invading aliens. Taking control of Fort Freedom One, Lamb and his unit fought bravely but as one by one of the other Infantry units were taken out, they were forced to fall back and defend behind the walls of Freedom One.

The aliens were savage and food supplies and weapons were running low. But Private Lamb refused to give up and urged the defenders on. One of the infantry unit managed to sneak by and run for help. Back at defense headquarters, they understood the importance of rescuing and recapturing Fort Freedom One so they agreed to send in the best agent, Private Lion to head the rescue party. Private Lion was one of the best in the army and she had been trained for specific rescue missions. The rescue party set out with full zest and enthusiasm to drive back the invaders.

There was a lot of coordination in between and Private Lamb offered to head the plan to ignite the bomb that would signal the start of the joint attack within and from outside Fort Freedom One. At dawn when it was most quiet on the 21st day of the tenth month, Private Lamb burst forth with guns blazing and as the others covered him, he set about to detonate the bomb. Everything went well except for the fact that the walls caved in with the explosion and Private Lamb found himself trapped. Knocking around he was surprised to also find Private Lion. Private Lion who came to support found herself trapped as well when the walls caved in.

Laughing in despair at their state, Private Lamb remarked, "Wasn't there a movie called saving Private Ryan? Maybe you're the one needing saving now miss". Private Lion growled in reply, "Yeah, did you think I did not know about the movie?". Private Lamb said, "It's not that. It's more maybe you're the one that I came into the army for. Maybe the entire reason of my life was up to this point. Maybe it's not about proving things to people and more about living my life. I think it's all to this point. I have nothing to prove. Let's get out of here".

Clasping their hands, they worked a way out through the cracks and by then the fighting was already over. They had won the day and driven the aliens back from taking over the last remaining fort at the frontline. "We live to fight another day then. Life is beautiful" Private Lamb smiled as they walked into the sunset.

I think loving you is about being persistent enough in loving and caring enough for you each day of our lives whether you are here physically or not. I think loving you is about believing in the bigger picture that we have a lifetime worth of loving and that keeps me alive and smiling everyday. You are my reasons. You are all my reasons. So you don't have to remind me to smile for you baby. Because of you, I am smiling everyday and living every moment. I know you are there for me always, when it counts and when you just are there. I hope I am here for you always.

You're not here today but that does not mean I can't fight for our love, I believe that I can make you smile even when you can not see me face to face. I believe that at this point, everything leads to us. Maybe all my life, I have been waiting for this moment to be with you. There are many battles ahead but in this war of life, trust me that I am your soldier, I'm not the best, the strongest, or even the toughest but I'm the one who will stand with you everyday for the rest of our lives. And everyday, I will paint you a smile that will last. And I can’t wait for our ending, that happily ever after. Today is beautiful day, baby. Miss you so much from the heart.

PS. Bie, waiting for perfection to come back to my life. I love you. I hope I can "save" you the same way you "saved" me. Smile for me today bie because I'm smiling and waiting for you :)

the only Storm is not having u here with me

2009-10-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide, but I love you, until the end of time.

~ Moulin Rogue

Woke up today and there was this feeling of emptiness. Sometimes I get confused on how do I write for you, whether do I address you as her, or lion or as you. But today I am clear on this; I miss you so so much and my heart tells me that everything seems meaningless without you. YOU, YOU, YOU are this enormous thing that has gone empty today. I woke up to a missing person by my side and no warmth in the sheets. I woke up to this empty feeling because the biggest part of me is going away today.

It doesn't hurt but it feels so meaningless without you today baby. I told you whenever I can that everytime you go away, it does not get any easier, I miss you all the more. I know yes it's ridiculous because you're only gone for two days. But to me that's two entire days without you. I don't need you to see a familiar face or to feel warmth although you do all that to me, I need you and I miss you because you are every single meaning in my life and I am lost without you. Today I rushed to the airport but was still slightly late. Yes it's disappointing but nothing to be sad of baby as I know I'm on your mind. Did you know you never left mine too?

Today is the first day and the first night that you are away is always the toughest. Baby, I want to write this story so that maybe it can warm your night. Now, far away in this land there was this lamb who galloped hard into the day everyday wanting to write the loveliest fables and stories that the land could provide. He galloped far and wide, looking and searching high and low for that one story that would make his everyday. He wrote about the stars, the seas and sand, the green trees in meadows. Stories that would make people read in awe and inspiring. But these were not the stories that he wished to write. Not the stories that would remain.

He rode high and hard, long into the meadows and out from forests. Looking in vain he rested among the bushes. Wistfully humming a hymm as clouds drifted above. Little did the lamb know that ever since coming out of the forests was he watched as he lay in the bushes. Creeping ever so silently, the claws of the eyes that watched reached out and held the lamb in place. Aghast that a lion was before him, the lamb cried out in fear and fright only to have the lion placate and instruct the lamb to follow. And follow the lamb did, past Gardens in walks, meals in front of candles, dances under the stars and into the depths of the sea; past skies with birds and even to islands of great beauty.

And in that instant of most despair and when the lion was at her most ugly, the lamb came forth with a ring saying that this was the story that he had been chasing. The one chapter that he would always write, the ending that only his eyes would see. The lion cried with joy and they danced into the night. Now there was a time when the lion was summoned away and the lamb had to stay. There was a long silence into the night as the lamb promised to wait and write their tale. So he wrote a letter that spoke such,

"We are different in some ways and yet similar in so many. The sky is shining when I write this but there is no sun when you left with my heart. There is no sun not because my world is not bright anymore but because it shines for you where you go. It does not mean that you take my meaning away when you go but the truth is that you are my meaning and when you go, you take that part of me with you. So in all truth, it's far from me losing my meaning. it's simply my meaning is you. Although I am here, in all reality, I am with you. So I am here waiting for you. For us. Because without you, there is no me. I am a lamb but I am a lamb that will make you fall in love with me a lifetime. I know this because no lamb lets his happily ever after get away not even for a day. To this lamb, there is no other story worth writing, worth living than ours. I love you."

No one knows the ending of the lion and the lamb but I think there is no ending because there's this list and we have so much to do. The world is waiting. I am waiting. I love you baby. I am here for you. I write this for you and I am missing you so so much. Today is beautiful baby because of you. Imagine how perfect it would be if you were here with me.

PS. Bie, I love you. Enough said.

today is called i love you

2009-10-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.

~ Lao Tzu

There is a saying that I do remember reading in the past but I can't quite remember where I read this from; Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend forever. And on this beautiful Friday, maybe that is what matters. It's been a tiring and hectic two weeks and it has been absolutely been enchanting through the highs and lows. Today, lion woke up with nightmares and all I can say is that there is nothing to worry about when she's the only thing on my mind. Since we began this new chapter, everything has been perfect and all I need to remind her of is that perfection that we're walking each day. I love you baby and today you're beautiful.

We're nearly there having done so much in so short a time and most of the stress is really vaporising as we slowly solve each puzzle. Everyday is another answer and another day to solve the remaining puzzles. Each day is a ride of joy and even in tiredness and fatigue, there is her smile that I can look forward to that we're getting somewhere with each passing day. I want to be able to hold her hand while I type this note to her heart but I know that she's busy. So I will settle for holding her in my heart as I type this. This truth that I can not live without her in yes, only the few months since I last held her hand while driving with another on our first date.

Today, I look back and just smile at how far we have come but the real happiness is in how much I get to smile ahead at how much further I want to live everyday with you. Today, I close my eyes and I see the possibilities ahead and how much I know each day will be perfect. Yes, there are many worries and many things that will frighten us but this journey that we've started is exactly like in the stories and movies that matter. Dark and full of danger they were but the sun will shine each day and it will shine all the brighter. For me, it shines because of you so if you are worried about the light being dimmer, maybe it's because today my eyes were sleepy from dreaming of you too much the night before and all I see is you. Today is called I love you. It has always been.

From the moment of holding your hand after asking permission to today. Baby, you're the only person and thing that holds my everyday together and it's beautiful. I'm not writing this to convince you of your nightmares but I am writing this today to say you're beautiful and I love you, my fiance. Today is another day with more possibilities and I for one, can't hardly wait.

PS. Bie, today is beautiful. Smile for me. Hold my hand. Love me. Because you are simply perfect to me.

Spelling Love

2009-10-11T20:08:00.001-07:00

Love is a many splendid thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love!

~ Moulin Rouge

I love when my heart smiles, but the best of all, it smiles because of you. Love is not measured by how you feel, but how you make the other person feel. Today we're embarking on the next great adventure and after all the emotional high, we're drafting our plans to make our wedding a great one. There's a lot of challenges ahead and a lot of big decisions to be made already at the start but I believe that all we need is each other.

Today is beautiful and I can sense that little bit of stress creeping up into her already to make it the beautiful dream that she sees and I promise her and us nothing but this, it will all become a reality. Everything that we dream of will come true and we will make this happen. Because it is written. From the start of the blog until this moment, it is meant to be. Because from the start, I will not accept anything less than perfect for the perfect bride. Yes, there are many constraints and many challenges but the truth is that we will make it through until the end together.

Today is beautiful because we choose to face it and make it beautiful together. Each day, we write a new page that adds to this new chapter together. Each line slowly but surely makes more sense and meaning as we slowly edge to the end of the chapter. Yes it is a bit early to be talking about the end of the chapter but it keeps everything in perspective, it keeps me so excited about waking up to each day and so happy about living each moment. Maybe we all need to seat back let things take it's course and just take things one step at a time. Let each step be with love and all the care we need to make this happen.

All I'm trying to say today baby is that it will be beautiful. Our chapter and it's ending so let's take our time. I love you and let's make this happen one step at a time. Today is beautiful baby. Let's continue to make it beautiful to remain in our minds at the end. Listening to that love story song by Taylor Swift again,

Romeo save me there trying to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes

It's not your favourite song but baby, it's just there right in front of us. Let's go get it. Love you baby.

PS. Bie, today you're beautiful. I'm so lucky we're doing this together. One day, one step at a time. I love you

When 2 become 1

2009-10-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

Lion: Somewhere over the rainbow~~~blue birds fly~~~and the dreams that you dreamed of~~~Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Lamb: *Galloping galloping*

Thewrecktan: I come not with optimism or any hope. In fact, I do not even come hoping for anything. But I come tonight with certainty and confidence. I come for you. I come for us. Baby, on this night when you are at your most ugly and grotesque, I ask this ugly plant whos the most beautiful woman in my world to marry me. Marry me baby, complete me.

(inserts ring onto stunned flytrap's finger)

EvilJanet/VenusFlytrap/Plant: Why did you put the ring on before I say Yes??? Get up get up....(later in the car)YES YES YES!!!!*sobbing*

This is EvilJanet and it is the first time I scribble something onto this blog..officially...everything is sorta official and I dunno how to describe how I feel about this dream that is really coming true. This man sitting beside me writing this blog with me, I'll be his, and he'll be mine...Forever! Yes you heard it right..I'm saying Forever. This realistic gal is learning how to say forever.

This is Thewrecktan and EvilJanet is officially invading my blog for the first time. What started as a blog to talk about what's most important in my life has expanded and evolved into what casual readers might say is only about her. But the reality is that my life is entirely exactly about her and us. Today, we write this post together to celebrate this moment. This moment that we begin our forever officially and I for one can't hardly wait. There are more beautiful words and greater blogposts but there will never be another that will touch my heart more or spell forever more clearly for me. I love you my EvilJanet, my baby, my VenusFlytrap, my future wifey, my fiancee, my everything, my all. I love you my elf, my lion and my one definition of love. I can't wait for the days ahead.

I love you very much too Thewrecktan aka Bie aka Lamb aka Hobbit aka Parallel Feet..*evil grin* so much of the name calling and this is how we entertain each other each day...My life has been different with you, everything is special and and everyday is blessed. You write me post it everyday which I can never get enuff, your blogposts keep me alive and your tenderness melts my heart, everyday. I always feel that I do not do enuff so I ask you, how do I love you right and enuff to make you stay with me a lifetime?

And I always tell her that all you need to do for us to last a lifetime is love me, just love me. And here we are, I have broken every single one of her rules and here we are about to begin our forever officially and we as one can't hardly wait.

Last note, thanks for hiring me as your wife. I have received the offer letter (jumping up and down looking at my ring finger..yay!), and I will report to work from October 2010 till death do us part (now I'm on probation, I'm your intern so I need to take your temperature now as you're having mild fever) talk to you guys next time...we have a wedding to catch!

waiting for you, waiting for perfection

2009-09-23T00:38:00.000-07:00

If I could measure the beauty of her eyes, I was born to look into them and know myself.

~ Shakespeare In Love

Today is a Thursday. It's not just any Thursday because it's the Thursday just before your birthday. I heard someone whisper your name today, but when I turned around to see who it was, I noticed I was alone. That's when I realized it was my heart telling me how much I miss you. I realize that I want to be with you everyday for 8 days a week and 25 hrs a day. I never seem to get enough of you. And it's now only a few hours before the next milestone on probably the most important list of our lives. The weather has smiled these few days and everything looks really good. It's another day to laze around and just take in the moments.

I woke up today to her and really there is so much a heart can take before it melts away. Of course she again termed me and described me as "ka-kacau". But I would really like to be able to pester her and bug her to wake up each morning. I think that is a real privilege. To be able to wake up and see the most important and most beautiful thing in my life is a blessing and a grace that not everyone will ever have. And I think today is perfect. Simply because she smiled and kissed me before she left.

Was thinking of what to do today and about work when I realized this truth. A doctor can save my life on the operating table. A lawyer can defend my life and my honour in a court of law. A soldier can give me a peaceful life by facing the dangers at the battlefield. But only you, only you can give me a MEANINGFUL LIFE. And for that, I am thankful for each passing day. I am lucky that we share the same air to breathe, the same dreams asleep and the same smile when we make each other complete. And I am thankful that she exists to make my world perfect every second she is in it.

Today is beautiful and you're voice is beautiful. I wish I could share more of that beauty and we have an entire weekend for that for which I can't wait to begin and am grateful for. Counting down the seconds bie. It feels so long yet when it comes, I'm sure the moment will be running to get away from us. I want it to last and with you, it will always last. It will last because I believe it bie. And tomorrow is coming. I can't wait. I love you.

PS. Bie, I am behaving and I miss you so much that words fail to describe the feeling of breathing but it doesn't mean anything because you are not here to share my air. I love you. I'm waiting for you baby.

no prince but a man in love

2009-09-17T02:09:00.000-07:00

I kneel before you not as a prince, but as a man in love.

~ Ever After: A Cinderella Story

These last two weeks I have heard words describe me which I do not think I am. I am not handsome, yau yeng or even good looking. That much I know is true. I am no prince and am no great person but I am this person who thinks everyday is special because she breathes in it. What I do hope is that she sees me who knows what I want and I want my everyday to be her. Because she is my meaning. She's all my meaning. Today, we started today together and I think everyday that we do, it is something special because I am alive from the moment my eyes are open.

Today I woke up to the most beautiful person in the world and she always is so warm and heart melting in the morning. I began my day looking for warmth that no comforter can replace and she gave me perfection. I woke up very much aware that it's only going to be 46 hours, 44 minutes before we start for Bali. It was precise because our trip to Bali has always been in my mind through all the lighter and darker moments we shared together and we are finally here. I am not nervous but I definitely am eager to finally be there with her.

Had time to shave my head and simply rest ahead today. It was a welcome break and nothing beats a calm before another of the events that will live with us for a long long time to come. I know this because she is simply the most special person in my life and she makes a good moment great and great moments perfect. I'm going to shut down and be in real lazy mode until she appears again. Such a lazy day that it's beautiful. Driving home I really took time to think about the moments that got us here and I wouldn't have changed anything. Everything is going to be perfect and I can't wait.

We grew along the way to get here and now that we're finally here, I can't wait to continue walking along our list with you. I know that the road ahead after Bali is over is going to be long, dark and scary at times but I for one can't hardly wait. I know that together we have something special and that something special only grows with time and with us allowing it to grow. So I will love you and I will keep hoping what we have grows with us and before we know it, we are there at the end where we want to be. Just one step, one day at a time and look where are we now. I love you baby and that much only needs to be true. So today, I, this crazy, childish at times, idiot most times but always loving you lamb am here waiting for today to be over and our tomorrow to begin again.

PS. Bie, I want to be accountable to us, to our happiness, to our meanings that we believe in and I want to be the one. Walk with me. Today is beautiful. Carpe diem, seize everyday with me baby and let's make it perfect together.

maybe there is only I love you

2009-09-17T01:57:00.000-07:00

What will I give to live where you are?
What would I pay to stay here beside you?
What will I do to see you smiling at me?

~ The Little Mermaid

It's a Friday without you. And it's quiet. Not quiet around me but very much inside me. I miss everything you and your voice inside me that guides me today. But somehow I feel this calm, this sense that you are with me and for that I smile. I smile today for you baby and I hope you're smiling when thinking of me too. My nose is acting up and I think it's because I haven't sniffed your scent today. It's kinda red from me rubbing it constantly and maybe it might make you laugh if you saw it now. And that baby, would be beautiful.

I always write when you're not around. Maybe because I want to talk to you, connect with you and just try to fit in somewhere in your life. I do want to matter in your life because you're such a huge part in mine. Today everything seems to move in a way that doesn't make sense and I'm hoping it ends fast so that I can see you soon. Nothing really interesting to say about how much I think of you other than I think of you every second and I miss you, so am writing you a story if you decide to read this when you're tired or bored.

This is a story about a fox and the moon. There was a wolf that did not have a pack nor did he belong to a clan. This fox was solitary by nature and traveled the land looking for a meaning and a place to belong. The wolf passed every creek and looked at every bush. He saw his image in the waters of the river and he wondered. Why do I have a snout for a nose and yet not belong to the dogs? Dogs were adored by men, fed, well pampered and kept in doors. Why do I walk upright and hunching over like a hyena he asked. Maybe that's why people are suspicious of me he thought. He wondered if maybe he was not so grey like the colour of rain and more gentle like white or fierce as black would perhaps he be more accepted.

So thus he wandered far and wide, eyes wide open, nose always sniffing and paws always wanting to stay where there was warmth. He passed by families of birds and asked if they would take him in. The little chick perched in the nest chirped back, "Go away. You only want to eat me!" The wolf muttered back, "I only want to belong and I can climb and build my own nest in trees!" The birds answered by driving down in doves chasing him away, pecking here and there. Bruised, the wolf came to a family of beavers building a dam in the rivers. Approaching enthusiastically as they chipped away, the wolf said, "Can I help you? My snout is strong and my paws dependable in carrying lumber and wood. I would build a good home." The beavers chided as they replied in unison, "Bah, you can't swim. Your fur smells in the water. Go away. We're busy as can be!"

Bruised in ego and in body, the wolf took his leave. He wandered further into the woods and saw a family of bears. He came by their cave curious, "Bears, hear me. I have fur like you and I hunt like you. Let me join you." The bears stared back before grizzling, "We do not need you, you can not stand upright and eat honey with us and your skin is weak against bees. You do not belong." With that the wolf went further down the trail past the woods into the open clearing and at that moment, the moon shone.

Looking at the moon, the wolf thought, "How beautiful you are. But you are alone. Should I share your sorrow? Maybe I should howl for both of us". And he howled long and sad into the silent night. And to his surprise, he heard a howl also in return. "Might you howl also about us also Moon?" he thought and howled again. This time it was clear that the female howled back. He looked with the help of the moon and he saw another wolf. Gazing intently, he said, "You are like me. But I have never got along with other wolves. Why are you here?" The female wolf looked back intently, "Neither have I. I have been looking for another that will share warmth and meaning. I do not need a hunting partner. I need someone that I can hold onto for life." The wolf smiled and nodded. They walked long into the night, running together for life, never belonging to a place except to each other.

Bie, I hope you like this story I took time to write for you this morning. Like that wolf I was looking but having found you I have you will run with me this life. Dance this dance on this floor that we have. I'm not a good dancer but I'm learning the moves that make us look good. My tempo is off most of the time and I know it takes time to perfect, so give me everyday to hold your hand and I promise to only be better. Because like that song you like, you make it better for me too and today, today is beautiful. I love you.

PS. Bie, been thinking about you all morning and every second in between. I love you and I want to see you soon. I hope our today is beautiful until we meet and you make it perfect.

finding you perfect on a wednesday

2009-09-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

"Do you ever put your arms out and just spin and spin and spin? Well, that's what love is like. Everything inside of you tells you to stop before you fall, but you just keep going."

~ Practical Magic

Wednesday. Love.

I have written so many project plans in over the four years of period that I have been having a job. Perhaps I should have written one a long time ago and shared it with you. So let me share the plans and dreams of a hobbit with you.

Project Code: TOP Priority
Project Name: The Pursuit of Lion (Happyness)
Project Timeline: From the moment subject matter laid eyes on me (beginning) and estimated end period of forever and ever
Proposed Budget: Whatever it takes
Success Parameters:
1. Being with you forever
2. Making you the happiest luckiest woman in the world
Estimated returns: A lifetime of the greatest happiness

Project Team:-
Project Lead: Hobbit
Project Team:
1. Lamb
2. Bie
3. Agent Yau Yeng

Resources allocation:
1. All the love in the world
2. All the patience of a hobbit
3. All the time left in the life of a bie
4. All the good things about agent Yau Yeng

Proposed Activities:-
Bring Sexy Back
~ To bring back everything that feels good and sexy everyday into your life by simply being me. Not that I'm sexy but I think you're hot and sexy and maybe being with an idiot/moron, you would actually be a Goddess. Well, my Goddess at least. I want you to feel good about everything you and that this world is beautiful and sexy to live on. That every second with me is beautiful and so worth living.

Hold your hand and never let go
~ The trick is in not really in holding tight and refusing to let go. The real trick is in fitting my hand in just nice into your life, letting it breathe a little, supporting the hand when it's weak and generally carrying the load of your hand. Sometimes it involves balancing but always, it's always about letting your hand know, that no hand fits better and carries your's better until the end of our days. I know my hand sweats after like 3 mins and it's ugly but it's strong and it's steady. And it holds tight and supports strong.

Wipe away the clouds
~ No advanced scientific machinery to control the weather is necessary but what is really required is the willingness to stand in the rain and after that paint another rainbow before the sun appears. Everyone needs reminding that the sun will shine. And I know I will not always be that sunshine that is beautiful but I am here for you in all weathers and when the clouds are there, I will chase them away with patience, gentleness and love.

Finding treasure
~ Yes, I am greedy. I am greedy for each treasure that is your smile. I am greedy for treasure that is you. I am greedy for us. I am greedy for time for us and I am definitely greedy and never contented being with you. Yes, I am guilty of being greedy and I will never be satisfied because I will never have enough of you.

Writing meaning
~ To write my meaning not in the sands of the sea or on rocks or on paper. But in the brightest stars of my sky. Because I will always find meaning in your eyes and there are none more brighter and shiny in my sky. And I will always be lost in them. That's my meaning. So in them forever I will stay.

Walk an endless Road
~ It's walking until the end that counts. And to walk, it requires all resources and more than that. In every project, there are unforseen obstacles and challenges especially for a project so monumental and daring in nature. But this is not an option or a choice, to walk is a commitment of everything. I know your mother told you guys, boys and men are never to be trusted so it's okay I'm a hybrid of things that you can lean on and walk with until the end. One day maybe when we've lost all our teeth and hair and maybe, maybe just then you will remember this project plan and you will smile. And I will wait for that day. Until then, let's keep walking, let's keep loving, let's keep living.

Today is beautiful and maybe this project plan only complements. It's just a plan, it's not alive. What's alive is this. What's real is this. Right here, right now, and tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow and maybe until the end, I am here. I am real. I love you and plan or no plan, I will always be here, your lamb, your hobbit, your bie, your all.

PS. Bie, I know the plan is far from perfect and only paints happy pictures, but life together is happiness and I will always chase my happyness, you. I am here for you. Always. I love you.

filling in the blanks

2009-09-13T20:40:00.000-07:00

He was like an angel, you know? I never knew life could be like that. He was the one thing I followed through in my life, the one thing I didn't give up on. I was good at loving him.

~ The Untamed Heart

It's a Tuesday and I love you. I mean it. I mean it everyday. Tuesdays were created to love you F.Y.Y., my lion, my elf and my all. If there is a blank spot in my life, I believe that you were created to fill it. It seems that I am no longer needed to fill any gaps in yours. In fact, I am the pressure that you do not need and the presence that makes you upset. Because there is too much of me and I'm sad being the face that pressures you and upsets you. I'm sad being the face you don't want to look at.

So here I am going to give you what you want. I will stay away and I will not care about anything you tell me. Because you tell me different things everyday and don't care how I feel when you say you forgot what you tell me yesterday or what we agreed to. I will not wait anymore. I will not fight to find time for us anymore and I will not in your own words "sayang or care" about things around us and in between us so much anymore. And as you said, I hope you are happy. Maybe, just maybe because now you are finally free.

You have your friends, and anything else that keeps you excited and not bored and you have me, this selfish self centered person who needs to see you whenever I can also trying to also fit in. I am here fighting for time with you which it seems upsets you and pressures you because there is too much right now in your life. I don't want to fight for someone who doesn't want me to anymore. And I hope now you are smiling because you finally get what you want and you are now happy. You said I should be happy because I have a girlfriend who doesn't need me so much and I can do what I like. I like to see you smile so I will love you the way you want me to. All I want to do is love you and hope you are happy.

PS. There is no PS. I don't think there is one today.

monday is for loving you

2009-09-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

"Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me."

~ Sarah Bernhardt

The weekend was perfect and it was perfect in every single way. She thinks I'm frightened and look forced to be at the dinner but all I felt was a strange calm and happiness that she chose to include me into her life and her past just a little bit. Sitting here today feels good and it's a good kind of good having done so much over the weekend. Let's see, we watched a play (which must be said left her absolutely clueless over literature English), attended a wedding, had great rest, watched a good warm fuzzy feeling movie, fed our Grey's Anatomy addiction and had great time just resting and cuddling in sheets.

It was probably the most we've done in a weekend here and she's tired also from her training and I'm going to take care of her more today and drive her home later tonight. I would like to say more about always making her look like the bad person in our relationship but there really is nothing to say because she is simply not. And I know she feels bad more than anything but hopefully what I think and feel matters more to her. That she's simply trying to be more understanding and open to include me into her life and I enjoyed every moment of it. You gave me a choice and I have no regrets in accepting your offer to be part of your life, probably the most constructive part of it, your childhood and if there is any regret, let it lie only because I took too much of your time that you should have for your own and your friends.

Today will be the start of many busy and tiring days ahead for her. I want her to know that this silly lamb is always here for her. That's the most important message for my baby today. It's going to be hard and there will be days that she will find it hard to wake up to but I'm going to be right by your side. Like the way you complete me by feeding me into who I want to be and what I want, I too hope I complete you and make things simply better. Today is beautiful and we should be smiling. It started with a note and you asked why no eyebrows, I couldn't give you an honest answer then, but how do you wish me to draw the perfect face? Impossible. But what I can do is maintain that smile on your face today.

Baby, you have post and nothing and no message is more important than I love you and you are all that matters. Smile with me and I must say that I am already missing you now what more later when I can't see you or talk to you when I want to. Today, when you feel tired, rest on me. When you can't find a reason to be happy, let me be your reason to smile. I love you and hold my hand today baby. It's beautiful.

PS. Bie, counting the days to Bali. I love you and nothing means more today and everyday more than you. You are my reasons. All my reasons.

clouds today

2009-09-07T21:23:00.000-07:00

If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn. People die. But real love lives forever.

~ The Crow

Within you, I lose myself. Without you, I find myself, wishing to be lost again. Today is beautiful and like my baby said, less words, more kissing.

If you love coffee, I just love drinking in all your smiles and just being with you.

I wish I can cut out things around me that shows how I feel about you.

I hope you know that with you everyday is a smile no matter how gloomy it is because you are beautiful.

It's written in the cards and I believe like you in this thing called destiny. Everything has a reason. My reason is you.

You are all my reasons. In everything I see and in everything that I do. I love you.

~ Better (Boyzone)

Oh the more I talk to you
I fall in love with
Everything you do
O-oh

See what I'm trying to say is
You make things
Better
And no matter what the day is
With you here
It's better

Our love has changed
It's not the same
And the only way to say it is say it
It's better

I see you in everything and I love you in everything. In everything ordinary in my life, you are everything special. The only disappointment I have in you is that I can not make you smile because of me every second. So I'm going to be better. And we're going to be better. I love you.

PS. Bie, maybe the only thing I need to say is that you too make things better, and with you, everything I need becomes better.

waking up asleep

2009-09-07T21:12:00.000-07:00

I may not get to heaven, but I am little closer to it when I am with you.

~ Ever After

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. I confess I have been having troubles sleeping because reality, my reality right now is simply perfect and I find myself wanting to wake up at night to look at pieces of perfection lying next to me. I woke up this morning and found the bed I was lying on empty. And it pained me to realise that you're not here with me this morning. And I miss you.

Getting up today felt empty. Driving to work today felt empty. Walking into the office today felt empty. It felt empty because I was not waking up to you. It felt empty because I was not driving you and it also felt empty because I was walking into office alone without you. And what makes it even more empty is having breakfast without your smile.

Still don't understand how small things can ruin everything. Like how can you not smiling ruin our breakfast today which was supposed to be special. I appreciate it all but it means nothing at the end.

man/mæn/ Spelled Pronunciation [man]

There is perhaps more that defines a man than just physical attributes from a boy. And maybe it's strength. I have shown that I have been strong enough to carry both of us and hold us together at all times. Maybe that is a definition of a man? To carry both his and his woman's destiny and hold them both himself? Maybe not.

Maybe it's mental maturity. Maybe it's about how matured in thinking a person is to forsee beyond just the short term and emotions and do the right thing under any circumstance? I have always done what my heart tells me and that is why you feel secure in my arms. Why you can trust me with things when it comes to us. If you do not trust any of this then trust in yourself. Ask yourself, why do you feel comfortable and secure with me.

I am your man who will stand by you and protect you at all times, when you're smiling and I know you're trying. It's just I'm not sure what it is that you're trying to accept most times. Because you don't shut someone out when you're figuring out how to love him and just stop loving him while you think your own thoughts through. I want to be there when you're thinking something, not because I can change things or manipulate you but I want to be there when there is any issue with us. Because it's about us and both of us feel alone and cold when you turn away to resolve an issue. I am here and I will always be here.

It's not about a man or a boy. It's about this person that you love and I know you love me. Let it stay at that. Because that's actually the only thing that matters. The truth of the matter is, I love you and when I see you, you are all that I see. And I get lost in you most times. It's like drowning and the only thing I'm reaching for is you. I woke up to clouds of not being able to see you and I ate breakfast under clouds of not seeing your smile. But I know this. That true love is a color that never fades. I miss you and the color I always see is you. Wondering when I will see your smile again.

PS. There is no PS today. Just want your smile and my baby back. I love you.

you..it's all about you

2009-09-07T19:47:00.001-07:00

Albert: You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I'm, I'm going out of my mind. It's like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I, I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I'll stop thinking about her.
Alex "Hitch" Hitchens: Look, you will. Just give it time.
Albert: That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then... well, this is who I have to be.

~ Hitch

Tired. We're both tired but the last long weekend was simply great. If I could go back and change anything, I would not. There is nothing more to ask than to lie in the arms of the people you love the most. Yes, time flew by us but this gift of being able to spend it with the one who matters most is a privilege and I come back to work happy but unsatisfied. I still feel greedy about the time we have together. I always feel I need more time. More time holding her in sheets, more time cuddling in front of the tv, more time walking Prince, more time eating more food and more time just being with her.

Today's weather is great for sleeping indoors and I wish we could have stayed longer in bed. It's shaping to be a really lazy day and she's going to be so tired by the end of the day and nearly half dead by the end of the week. Writing this piece to cheer her up. Baby, if you're reading this, I wish I had more cheerful words to craft into a happier message and a more motivating one to make you smile. Like when you are near and make my world shinny and more cheerful, I love you. And I wish I too make your spot in the world shinny and cheerful too.

Driving to work today and talking about tomorrow and the future, it always reminds us that we have so much more to do and life is still so long ahead to walk. It's nice that way. That I can hold your hand to work and just think what today and the future holds, no matter where we end up as long as I have you, it is perfect. Like Rosie last night, don't you dare go before we complete our list or I will make sure you regret it in your next life. There are so many things to look forward to like the holy grail of marriage.

Thinking happy thoughts on a gloomy Tuesday and it helps. Because I smile each time I think about you and the thought of you cheers any stupid passing day that doesn't matter when I don't get to see you much. No matter what, I can't wait to keep painting smiles today with your hand. Writing this short post to make your moment sweet. Love you and just want you to know that it's you I'm thinking of every moment.

PS. Bie, you're beautiful today and when you smile, all dark clouds are chased away so smile for me. Always. I love you.

you and me in the rain..dance with me

2009-09-02T21:48:00.000-07:00

Charles: There I was, standing there in the church, and for the first time in my whole life I realised I totally and utterly loved one person. And it wasn't the person next to me in the veil. It's the person standing opposite me now... in the rain.
Carrie: Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.

Am sick today and the worse thing is that my baby is sick too. Friday's are supposed to be full of joy and yes, my day started perfect in the warmth of her hand and the beauty of her eyes. There is no other perfection than to wake up and start a day in the arms of the person who is most important to you. I felt ill from the moment my eyes slit open but for just a few moments, that few moments I held her in my arms, everything escaped and the only thing I saw was her. That is pure happiness.

Baby, I wish I could carry you now when you need me at this moment. Like Johnny Depp in the corpses bride, today with this hand I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never be empty, for I will be your wine. With this candle, I will light your way into darkness. With this post, I ask you to be mine. Today when you're feeling down or upset about anything, my hand is here to lift you up. What you need, the most important things in life, I will be and today when you need me, I am always here for you. And when you are lost or feel lonely, I will be your candle lighting any darkness you may see. And with this post, I ask you to share my today and everyday with me.

Today, when I drove to the clinic just less than half an hour earlier, the sun was beautiful and I thought about you. How difficult it must be to drive to somewhere you don't want to go and I am here with you baby. Then and later when you need to be at another day of training, I am with you every second and every step of the way. So don't feel down or upset about anything, I love you and I'm here for you.

Looking forward to just having time after today to rest and be with you. I miss you right now and you're everything on my mind. Can't wait to see you soon baby and I'm going to rest and make sure that I'm healed so that I can take care of you in return when we meet. Today is beautiful baby and hold my hand as we see how beautiful today will be.

PS. Bie, you're beautiful today and like yesterday and everyday, you are my reasons. You are all my reasons. Miss you so much.

what we have is today

2009-09-01T20:35:00.000-07:00

Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? But here I am, Sarah, falling, and there's only one person who makes me feel like I can fly... That's you.

~ Will Smith, Hitch

Feel so sleepy today. My lion is also a walking zombie today if not for the coffee. My baby lion is so sleepy today and she's going to have to go to practice later and her motivation's dropping by the day. And although I was never her strongest supporter to get started on her stage play at the beginning, I am always her lamb who will stand by her. Today, my lion is in need of motivation to keep going and she is going to have all she needs in me because her lamb never lets her fall and he's writing her this story today.

One day a father and his rich family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose to show him how poor people can be. They spent a day and a night on the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" "Very good Dad!" "Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked. "Yeah!" "And what did you learn?"

The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden; they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden; they have the stars. Our patio reaches to the front yard; they have a whole horizon." When the little boy was finished, his father was speechless. His son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how 'poor' we are!"

I see everyday like the son of that rich man. I may not have the greatest treasures, the smartest brains or the most handsome eyes or face among men. But it doesn't really matter what this silly lamb thinks. What matters is if this lion of his sees that his greatest treasure is in everything her, that the greatest jewel is her smile, that the greatest diamonds are her eyes and the silk of the world can't compare to her hair. Or does she know that I may not be the smartest but all my mind is on her, every single second my mine is thinking about her. From how to make her smile to how to make our today perfect. And maybe does she know that I may not have the most beautiful eyes but she's the only thing I see and my face is the only thing I hope she will see too?

Maybe that's all important but more important than that is does she know that she's got this silly lamb all over here. On this day that she's tired, this lamb who is so imperfect will carry her and do whatever it takes to lift a bit of her tiredness and weary from her? That everyday, there is nothing more beautiful than her being happy? It is in this hope that I hope she knows that I am always here for her. And with this blog as witness, I will hold her hand with every walk and I will carry her pass every bridge. Today is beautiful and she is the reason. She's all my reasons. I love you baby.

PS. Bie, "wake up" because I love you and we have today to paint beautiful. We have play practice today and I "see" how beautiful you are. Perform for me as I clap on this silent end for the world's greatest performer. I love you and baby, you're my superstar!

today and everyday, I love you...

2009-09-01T19:25:00.000-07:00

I dream about being with you forever.

~ Twilight

It was so hard waking up to not see you around. I opened my eyes to Wednesday calling your name and feeling this slight cold inside me that you're not by my side. I had to whisper I love you to get out of bed, dragging myself out to see you. It was a bit cold this morning and driving to your place seemed so far away. I wouldn't say I drove like a madman but it was close.

Holding the steering wheel in both hands, was just thinking about what you told me last night. You asked me to think about how it would be, if I could imagine how life would be for you without me. You asked me how would it feel like if I suddenly stopped loving you or if I would just decide to walk away. It's not really a happy thought and I admit it's something that I never thought of before.

In the movie "The King and I", the king who could not love this foreign women said, "In these dreams I've loved you so that by now I think I know what it's like to be loved by you. I will love being loved by you." Being in love with you and being loved by you, there is no dream or life that I have that is not you and I know you're afraid that this might change in the future. But in a dream world or the real, there really is no possibility that I could think of that you do not exist in.

And then knowing you, you will probably think but what if and why do I think it will not happen if I'm so confident.

For your question number one: There is no what if baby simply because of the same reason you love me. Do you see yourself loving someone else because of any other reason? Because someone else is more handsome? Because he has more material wealth? Because he is a better person? I wish we all had answers why we love someone but that reason exists for a reason and it does not vanish just like that. I love you and I have no reasons to stop loving you. So this scenario or possibility will never come to pass unless you too don't want this anymore.

For your question number two: I am confident because I only see one person in my world and that person is you. I only care about how you feel and it's really because I love you so much that it pains me to even think of losing you. I am confident. I am steady. I am sure. Like Preston Burke. Because you are the only reason I need to be contented with life. You are reason enough to smile. You are reason enough to be able to smile at life. You are all my reasons.

PS. Bie, today's beautiful and you're definitely beautiful. Watching today with you is so beautiful and I can't wait to see you again at lunch. So hungry for you.

After the rain

2009-08-31T21:23:00.000-07:00

Burke: Cristina; I could promise to hold you, and to cherish you. I could promise to be there in sickness and in health. I could say 'til death do us part, but I won't. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. And I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic, I am not. I am sure. I am steady. And I know I am a heart man, take them apart, put them back together. I hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So this, I am sure. You are my partner, my lover, my very best friend. My heart, my heart, beats for you. And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this. I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands. I promise you, me.

~ Preston Burke, Grey's Anatomy Season Three

Baby, it's stormy today and we drove to the office together. I miss you. Although it's only been a few minutes since I last saw you but these short trip only made me miss you more. And it only made me think how nice it would be to be able to snuggle and cuddle in bed just a little while longer. Was thinking of what Burke said last night on DVD and it just seems so sweet but scripted. Was smiling when thinking back of you asking me if you would have to write your vows. Was grinning when you asked me what do I think of you. Let my words dance across paper to answer these.

Today, unlike Burke who got to mutter his wedding vows in an OR on the widescreen with scriptwriters, I would like to write my daily vows here. Baby, the only vow you might ever have to make is if you want to say how much this relationship means to you and what you would like to say about loving me. And you don't need a pen to write that down, all you need to do is just love me. So what do I think of you? When I see you baby, when I open my eyes and look at you, be it at the start of the day or in the treasure chest of my mind, all I see are two things.

I see in your eyes, eyes that only see me and everytime I look at those diamonds of yours, there's no two stars more beautiful in the universe. The second thing I see when you appear, is someone that I love and can't live without a lifetime. So what do I think when I see you? I see this perfect lady that I would like to trust with the most precious things I will ever have; my life, my time, my heart and my love. When I see you, I see this most beautiful lady, lion, elf, and baby of mine whose hands I will never let go.

I know it's a gloomy day and let me write this to maybe warm your heart in the midst of darkness of rain. Baby, I could promise to love you everyday of our lives, to always be by your side, to always make you happy and everything sweet under the sky until you die of diabetes. And like you always tell me, these are the words of sweet talkers that just talk and don't have anything to prove or they simply don't act. I am not a sweet talker, I am not someone who dreams words just to make you smile, I am a doer. I know who I see in you every second and I know what I will always know, that you're the one. I believe that I do not need to look anymore because I have found you or rather you found me. And I know I am a good person, it's not because I stay away from vices or bad company, but because I know right from wrong and I will always choose to do the right thing. And the right thing is not to continue to be with you even when I do not love you. But the right thing that I will always promise you is that I will always love you right not because I'm already with you but because I will never take you for granted. That I will always cherish every thing you do for me or not do for me, that I will spend every second loving you like every second is our last and in all good times and in bad, I always hold your hand and paint our forever. This I promise you, Linda Foo, that I will always love you because I am a man who believes in happily ever afters and in you being the one so there will never need to be a time that I will let go. So just love me.

PS. Bie, today the rain is gone and all is left are the brightest diamonds in my skies. I see you and I see perfection. I love you.

today and everyday you are my full stop

2009-08-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love.

~ My Sassy Girl

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.

Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?"
Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!"
"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, let me go with you."
"Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you." It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Realizing how much was owed the elder, Love asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?"
Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is."

With time, love grows and those in that circle learn to appreciate it and grow with it. Nothing material that can be earned will last, only love that grows between two sincere hearts remain. Growing up, I told her today how much I had to fight for everything I have since I was young. But with her, she's my safety that my heart can always find when the clouds appear. When there's happiness, there is no other I want to share it with than this beautiful flower of my heart.

Today is the first day of the week and the last day of the month. I miss her so much and she's away at practice and she will be going away everyday for the next month or so. Writing this, only time and love can bring us closer. We just got back from another great getaway in Perhentian and it was another treasure to keep in my heart for the days to come. She's so beautiful and I did not tell her this yet and it pains me a bit that she does not hear how perfect she is today. I'm making a mental note to let her know later with all the love in my heart.

I close my eyes and I see you. And this song of Lathika emerges and your smile is so sweet. I just want you to know when you read this that I will always be waiting for you and my hand is empty without yours by my side. I miss you so much. I love you baby.

PS. Bie, strangely I feel you around me. I can't see you with my eyes open but everytime I type these words, "I love you", I feel you are near and whispering to me. I miss you so much baby.

Tuesday Waiting

2009-08-23T20:28:00.000-07:00

I know that she is good and strong and deserves all the love this world has to give. Can't you see that, how wonderful, how special she is?

~ A Walk in the Clouds

There is this story about a man who became angry with his wife for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he was really mad when his wife tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. Nevertheless, his wife brought the gift to him the next morning and said, "This is for you, baby."

The man was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found out the box was empty. He yelled at her, stating, "Don't you know, when you give someone a present, there is supposed to be something inside?" The lady looked up at him with tears in her eyes and cried, "O, baby, it's not empty at all. I blew kisses into the box. They're all for you, baby."

Like that box, everyday, behind all this writing, there is love behind each word. I remember my lion telling me that each blog post is too perfect. Like that gold wrappings, it's merely decoration to what my heart is and I just want her to know that my heart whispers into each sentence and my love is at the end of each paragraph. I do not think my love for her is perfect but I'm perfectly aware that she is the one for me and I believe in magic, in soulmates and in forever afters. I'm old fashioned and a hopeless idiot like that and I just want you to know baby on all days, that I love you and these posts only mean to tell you how much you mean to me.

Everytime you appear in the window of my mind, I see you and you are wonderful. Writing this, I'm thinking of how to paint you this smile today and how to tell you that today, you are the most important person, thing, and event that I will have. Right now, you're rushing to the airport and I'm with you holding your hand. Whispering that we will meet soon. And thinking about that I, I'm encouraged to run a good race for us and be a better person each day.

It's finally Tuesday and in a few hours, I will see you soon. I woke up tired of another day not being able to see you. I didn't dream last night although I hoped they would be of Perhentian. And the truth is that I miss you so much each second you are away. And the drive today in xiao hui was slow as cars breezed by. Was driving towards Putrajaya turning back down to the Dengkil bypass and I gazed at the clouds. And just hidden under the sun peeking through the clouds was this rainbow. It was small but it was beautiful and it reminded me that after all the dark, there would be the rainbow at the end. My rainbow is on the flight back to KL at 0005 tomorrow morning. I'm waiting for my baby.

PS. Bie, your hobbit is waiting for you. You are my reasons. You are all my reasons. You deserve all the love in the world baby and that's all a lamb can give a lion.

Measuring Love

2009-08-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

If I could measure the beauty of her eyes, I was born to look into them and know myself.

~ Shakespeare in Love

I woke up today dreaming of her three different times. Each time waking up calling her name. Fell asleep because was tired and each time I closed my eyes again, I saw her. Morning came and I felt so lazy to wake up. And then I remembered it was already Monday. Just one more day to go. Driving to work I remembered what we talked about and I just realised I just got through one of the most meaningless Sundays of my life.

It's funny really because I didn't do anything different than what I would not normally do if I had not met her but few months down the road. And just thinking about my Sunday, I feel awkward and strange how things have changed. How things are different once you have someone important in your life that what I've been comfortable with before seems a waste of time and meaningless. It's funny that way how much missing her can make things around me so dull and a blur.

Today's beautiful. It's a surprisingly beautiful Monday morning and I'm missing her every second but I'm listening and I believe like she says that she left her heart behind before she left. I left mine with hers to and I want her to remember that. That's why food here is tasteless, why sleep here doesn't seem enough, why my mind is always thinking of one thing, my lion...

I have a story for her today. Baby, there was this pencil maker who made all the pencils in the world. And just before he sent this pencil out into the world and putting him into a box, he took this pencil aside.

"There are 5 things you need to know," he told the pencil, "Before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be."

"One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone's hand."

"Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you'll need it to become a better pencil."

"Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make."

"Four: The most important part of you will always be what's inside."

"And Five: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition, you must continue to write."

The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in its heart.

Now replace the place of the pencil with your lamb bie. Always remember and never forget,

One: I will be able to do many great things, but only if I allow myself to be held in your hand. There is nothing great with me doing things alone for myself but in you, I find all my meaning.

Two: Together, we will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, by going through various problems in life, but we'll need it to end up a stronger couple tasting each bitterness together holding hands.

Three: I will be able to correct any mistakes I might make with you. Not because I can take things for granted but because with you, I know I have tomorrow to wake up to and look forward to and that is the greatest gift you can give me, the chance to be happy always.

Four: The most important part of me will always be what's on the inside and everything inside me is you. You are my reasons. You are all my reasons. I love you.

And Five: On every surface I walk through, I leave your mark. No matter what the situation, I will always love you and every step I take is just a step towards you. That's what matters and no one is leaving anyone. Because love does not last just a flicker in time, it grows stronger each day and we learn to live around it not by compromise but by embracing life together with love.

Another day to look forward to. Another day to miss you. Like that pencil, I just want to be the best that I can be for us. Lion, if you're reading this, your lamb misses you like crazy every second!!!!!! Need to see you, hear you and just be with you!

PS. Bie, you're beautiful today. I don't know why or how I know but you are beautiful and I love you baby. Today's beautiful because you're smiling when you read this.

Missing you with volume

2009-08-22T17:37:00.000-07:00

Love isn't about ridiculous little words. Love is about grand gestures. Love is about airplanes pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love is about finding courage inside of you that you didn't even know was there.

~ Little Manhattan

Do you know that breathing is the most easiest job on earth? But it gets difficult whenever she stares at me like this. I always have to remind myself how to breathe. And right now, she's gone again. She left her heart behind this time.

I looked at her in the dark last night. I wanted to kiss her but want is not enough and I kissed her and I loved every moment of it. And when it was over, I wished it could last forever. Just moments before that, I was switching on the lights to wait for her for I knew if my head touched the pillow, I would fall fast asleep and I would not have the chance to see her just a bit more.

I turned on the usual song of "Leaving on a Jetplane" which I always play in mind on the eve before she leaves on her trips. My hand must have slipped because I landed on Lathika's theme. For those that have watched Slumdog Millionaire, you would have remembered this slow theme whenever Lathika appears in Jamal's life. It's hauntingly beautiful and when the music played last night, I saw my Lathika. Like Jamal watching her so beautiful smiling at the train platform, I was transfixed for what seemed like minutes as I saw her.

I saw her turning around again, and I see her smiling as she closes the door of her car. She whispers I love you and I remember again the first time she ever told me she loves me. And this smile appears. I wait patiently for her and I kiss her and every kiss I give and I take, I mean it, and it means everything to me. And everytime she goes, my tear drops still fall. It fell just before I could kiss her last night. And it fell again driving back the long road.

She's flying high up in the skies right now and I miss her. I hope when she comes back, she will discover our love is stronger than it ever was and my hand is waiting for hers to return, right here. I read this quote from Love Manhattan and thought, both of us really do not believe in these big things and showy stuff that does not last. But I believe that love is going that extra mile, loving her more when it hurts like now when her heart is here but she is so far away. Love is finding I'm braver than I thought I was in all our imperfections and when we are weak.

And I miss you baby. I love you. And my volume is this. I miss you so much that I think the entire world should know my pain not because I want the world to know how much I love you but I want the world to know how important you are to me, my lion, my elf, my baby. How much it hurts not to be able to hold hands that bring me warmth, not being able to see myself in your eyes and how much it pains me when I look around and call you name eventhough you are not here to hear it. Because, maybe, just maybe, you hear me. I miss you baby.

PS. Bie, today is a beautiful Sunday. You are beautiful. I miss you.

chasing away nitemares

2009-08-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

Listen, you hear it? [whispers in a raspy voice] Carpe — hear it? — Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.

~ Dead Poet's Society

We woke up today and she saw nightmares. I saw her and thought my world is perfect. It's finally Friday and the week that seems so long at first is close to an end. These days I know she's been trying hard to stay positive and at the same time be honest with me and that is definitely a right step in the right direction. I just want to be here with her and let her know that I care and all I want to do is make her happy.

That road seems still a way to go. I'm feeling sleepy right now and somehow I feel this peace today. Although things did not start off well for us today but I believe that there is a happy ending for us today. Everything seems to move so slow today and there is this laziness and it's not just because it's a Friday. And when I take a look at my watch, it's suddenly already 12 and I feel a bit cheated by time. I wish there was more time today to make her happy.

Going to paint a rainbow for both of us today. Understand that she feels I'm the only one that can hurt her right now and I really need to be more sensitive about things especially her. Carpe diem. It starts with seizing today and not letting another day we should be happy get away from us. Today will be extraordinary. What began with nightmares will end with sweet dreams. I don't know this but I believe this. All I need to do is love her.

I know of this story that I wrote many years ago while still in school and maybe this might paint her a smile in the afternoon. I remember writing it for a school essay and it was simple enough yet I remembered it because it was among the few that I put a bit of heart into writing. There was a little girl that lived in a house across the bridge on a small island. She was a very quiet girl this one. And it was just a few months since she had moved in and people called her Lucy. Lucy never got along well with the neighbours and was perfectly content to be alone with her bicycle to which she took many trips across the waters.

Lucy was often in a mess, rolling down hills and chasing animals in the woods. Anyone who sought to be her friend were turned away. She seemed happy enough to be herself. In the same neighbourhood there was a boy and he too seemed happy enough. He had lived in these parts for many years and was also quiet, cleanly cut hair and prim clothes, he often could be found reading under a tree. Peter was what his friends used to call him. Now it was a dark and stormy night when Peter was out in his tree reading and before he knew it, it poured and poured. Running for shelter, he spotted a house across a bridge.

And he sought shelter from the torrential rain. Using his book as a cover, he hid behind the neatly stacked wood, not for fear of being caught but more because of the rain. Peter was really cold and the light was really inviting. He peeked in and saw a pair of eyes staring back. The window opened and the girl muttered, "I'm Lucy. I saw you at school. You must be really cold. Climb in here." Peter was shocked at another girl willing to take him in the rain. Taking her hand, he clambered into a cosy room filled with warmth of burning firewood.

Sitting awkwardly in the shadows, "I'm Peter. Thanks for letting me in. The rain has been awfully unkind and sudden." Silence permeated the air. "It's awfully nice of you to share this cosy room witha stranger. And we're not strangers anymore I guess. Nice to meet a new friend Lucy". Stammering as he heard no reply he stood up and his shadow was towering over the room. Lucy barely stared at the firewood cuddling her body in the gaze of the flare.

"You can sit by my side if you want. It's warmer here. Nice to meet you Peter". Approaching cautiously, Peter noticed that Lucy's eyes never left the warmth of the fires. Lucy turned and looked at him, "Do you have nightmares Peter?" And Peter smiled as he said, "All the time."

"How do you be happy when you have nightmares?"

"I know it's not real. Besides I've read books that dreams tell us what we think. Nightmares are really what we're afraid of"

"You think so? How do we feel safe from nightmares?"

Chuckling as the fire bit upwards and her face became clear to him, Peter noticed how beautiful her eyes were and he muttered back, "There's beauty in life. Too much beauty in fact that fear never really bothers me. I find it in books, in how life is beautiful when I wake up and am able to breathe. And I find it in your eyes. You're beautiful."

"Thanks. But aren't you afraid. Afraid....afraid if maybe there come true?"

"Of course silly. But that's life. Life is too beautiful to be afraid. I'm here. Are you scared now?"

"I'm not. But you would go away when the rain stops right? And the nightmares will come back."

"No, I won't. I'm not moving an inch. I'm sitting right here with you, see. I'll sit here with you as long as you like. I can hold your hand if it makes you better."

At this, Lucy smiled with Peter. The rain poured along with the nightmares on the outside but something else blossomed within as hands joined and nightmares vanished into the night.

That was the part of the story I wrote which I remembered. I hope she knows, I'm right here sitting with her. I'm not going anywhere. I love you baby. You are my reasons. You are all my reasons. I will be right here. Painting you smiles. Happy Friday baby.

PS. Bie, my new hobby is chasing away nightmares. I love you and you're beautiful. Nightmares might visit you but I will always be here to chase them away.

Living Today

2009-08-19T06:29:00.001-07:00

If I should die this very moment, I wouldn't fear. For I've never known completeness like being here, wrapped in the warmth of you, loving every breath of you. Why live life from dream to dream?

~ Moulin Rouge

Perfection. That's what some people aim for and look for. Not just in themselves but also in things around them. The thing is that perfection means so many things to each person. To some, it can just be nothing disrupting their normal flow of the day and they're happy with that and call it perfection. To others, perfection is when they feel that everything falls into place, into spaces that should be and places that they expect. But in all truth, perfection is when things meet the standards set by that person.

For me, a day is perfect when everything I want to do or set out to achieve happens. It can be a day that is so full of happiness at every corner or just simply a day with sweet surprises that I'd never expected. I thought that was perfection. That was me before I met her. And then, things changed. It was irrelevant what happened in my normal spaces, as long as we were happy, it was perfect. As long as we held hands and saw the whole day as happy, it was perfection in every way.

Now, to me in a broader sense, she is perfect. To me, the definition of perfection is in everything her. That is why I fell in love. I remember this phrase she told me once when she described what she liked about me and I have my own reasons why I like her perfections too. I like the way she rubs her eyes and stretches herself in between sheets. I like the way she blinks then looks at me before her perfect lips reveal the sweetest smile which makes me worried I need to check my sugar levels everyday in case of diabetes. I like the way she slowly tugs herself on my shoulder and her legs lazily lay on mine after she smiles. I like the way she holds me close and feels comfortable as she looks for body warmth. And that is just the first five seconds of her waking up.

Every moment from the first her mind told her to wake up is my perfection. I even like the way she's shy to kiss me in the mornings and just wants warmth to start the day. All her self thought imperfections are the perfections that I see. And nothing in my heart says it better than this picture I chose for her. Yes, baby, I love you. You are perfect in all your imperfections and more so in mine. Today is beautiful and you are beautiful. I love you.

PS. Bie, I love you and while you're gone, I will wait for you, this imperfection waiting for his perfection. Can't stop thinking about you.

hungry for you

2009-08-19T05:17:00.000-07:00

Without love, we are birds with broken wings. Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone. Love wins. Love always wins.

~ Tuesdays with Morris

I believe deep down that I was born to kiss you. I believe that when we are apart, distance only brings us closer because right now typing this, you're the only thing on my mind. I am hungry like you suspected. Very hungry for you.

Today has been a pure rush of events and there is a bit of me that wants to blame someone or something for not being able to spend time with you. I know it's silly and it was just a thought but I really do miss you. It's another day caught in between and in the middle of what looks to be hectic days ahead, I have time to just look at things around us and find some calm. I wish there was more I could do for you and for myself now.

Painting the end of today. I hope this post will paint you smiles in the morning. That by writing this, you would be able to take a peek at a heart that misses you and hopes to be by your side right now. Like Tuesdays with Morris, I believe we will never really fulfill the potential of everyday. For love sets you free and loving you, I see things I never saw before. I believe that by loving you and by having you as a purpose each day, I grow and learn to be a better man for both of us.

I'm doing my best to live today and I think although time was not too kind with me, I am very blessed to have seen your smile on a Wednesday. And baby, you asked me if you're beautiful and I answered on your everyday note. I wrote the first note and felt the words didn't really show you how I really feel and only the second could. But again shortly after that, I still felt that it was not enough. So I found you this picture baby. To tell you that you are truly the most beautiful woman of my life and my world. And I feel like shouting that to all the people that matter to me. Bie, you're beautiful today and I love you.

PS. Bie, I love you and approaching the end of another day, I hope this short and sweet notes can paint you a smile when you read it because when you smile, you are simply all my reasons.

just the two of us

2009-08-17T19:02:00.000-07:00

Throughout life people will make you mad
Disrespect you and treat you bad
Let God deal with the things they do
Cause hate in your heart will consume you too
I love you and I'm here for you

~ Just the Two of Us, Will Smith

Today's beautiful and we're tired. She's tired from all that practicing and I'm tired from not being able to see her much to manja her. I'm right here waiting to love her and I believe that she's going to make to our today beautiful. Today, the lamb nearly organised a search and rescue mission after lion was kidnapped. Nobody and I mean nobody comes in between us especially terrorists. We just want to be happy together and every passing second is witness to that.

Thinking of how to pamper her now and at the end of today. My heart tells me that everyday is a window of opportunity to paint her a smile and that's what I woke up reminding myself to do. I'm starting to see more from her eyes and trying to understand more what makes her tick and what makes her happy. This is not because I'm out there trying to manipulate her but I'm here trying to exist in her life and being able to make her smile all the time.

When I was younger, I once heard a story of a boy and a girl who were lost in the woods. The boy grumbled often and made sour faces at every disappointing turn to a dead end or how long it seemed to be able to find the way out. The girl on the other hand had her share of miseries as well, blaming everyone and everything for the disaster they were in. They were just short of killing each other when they met an old man in the depths of the woods. Muttering as they passed by, the old man chuckled and tapped both on the shoulders.

Surprised at the presence of another person in the woods, they turned and asked for help. The old man muttered that he too was once like them and he too once had a partner that had got lost when they separated to find their own way out. He looked at them both and mentioned that the only way out was to trust in each other and work together. He held their hands together and said, find a way when it seems there is no way and it starts with a smile and a pinch of hope. Because the way appears and shows itself only to those who believed and are brave enough to face the future.

The boy and girl turned and looked at each other and noticed how beautiful it was that they were still together amidst being lost and not wandering around alone trying to find the way. They looked into each other's eyes, held hands and said they would find a way together when there seems to be no way. With each step, patience grew. With each dead end, they learnt trust and they learnt more about holding each other when times were bad. Each passing moment and each lane they passed was a sign and they knew they were getting closer to finding the way. With the final turn behind bushes, lo and behold, they finally saw light peeking into the woods.

Stepping out, finally escaping the dreaded woods, they saw before them the old man and this time he was not alone. He was there holding hands with an old woman. Smiling back, the old man said this, "I can not show you the way. I let go once but I found her when it mattered. I was lost once but she never let me go. We believed. It seems you too found the way." And the boy and girl were still holding hands.

PS. Bie, today is beautiful and everyday is a page waiting for us to fill with lines and chapters of us. I'm smiling for you, for us so hold my hand, we're going to learn and we're going to make everyday beautiful together.

leaving it to the stars

2009-08-17T07:34:00.000-07:00

Annie Reed: Destiny is something we've invented because we can't stand the fact that everything that happens is accidental.
Sam Baldwin: You ask what was special about my wife? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic.

~ Sleepless in Seattle

I believe in destiny. That all things while not defined always changes based on what we choose to do with what has been given to us. I do not believe that fate has already been decided. I believe that each of us has multiple endings or multiple destinies that we determine ourselves. I believe that we decide on which ending that we see at the end. And everyday counts, we choose which fate takes place everyday of our lives. We all have choices and that makes all the difference.

Tonight, I'm sitting here deciding to paint everything happy as I wait for her to finish. I'm not by her side physically to be able to see her right now but I am happy because I know she has never left me. I choose to be happy because I know right now that she's happy. I do not see her with my own eyes but my heart tells me that she is. And I am happy because I believe in that. I did not always tell her or show her this and I regret this. But, I decided that things would have to change and I'm starting with everyday.

I see things about her, little things. And everything I see about her is special and I would very much like to be part of that. I just hope that she does see her happiness in everything in me too. I hope that I don't do things that upset her but that can not happen unless she sees the little things about me too and she sees me for who I am, as someone whose made up of little things that makes her happy. I know at times, she sees all these little things and it irritates her because she sees me but does not accept everything I do or who I am.

I wish that she sees me as someone who can make her happy. I hope that whatever sadness she has, I could make it go away for her everytime. I wish that whatever bothers her, I could carry it for her. I wish my smile and just me being with her can make her see that I have no intention of mocking her, making fun of her, bothering her nor do I want to be a pain. I just want her to be happy. And I want to stand with her. She will not read this for hours but I want her to now that I am always thinking how best to help her. Sometimes maybe I just need to walk away but will she know how I feel or what is it my heart feels when she's hurt?

I see her and I see happiness. She sees me and she sees whatever affects her at times. I am not enough to make her truly happy all the time. If she's happy, she sees me and things as happy but when she's sad, she sees me and things as sad. I hope one day I will have done enough, loved her enough that when she's sad, I will always be strong enough to be able to make her happy by myself. I don't want to be always her number one but I do hope she can be happy when she sees me happy for her at all times. I am not the hero that her heart deserves yet but in all my imperfections, I am believing and I'm holding her hand as we walk each moment. We love each other and we're just learning to live life together one day, one step at a time. I have my mistakes but what we have is time, what we need is to be patient and just learn and trust in love.

PS. Bie, do you hear me? Talking to you. Across the waters, across the deep blue ocean, under the open sky...oh my, baby I'm trying. I'm learning. I'm believing. I love you.

this thing called monday

2009-08-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

Kat Ellis: You know what pisses me off? I've been spilling my guts all weekend and I don't know a thing about you.
Nick Mercer: [pause] I'm allergic to fabric softener. I majored in comparative literature at Brown. I hate anchovies. And I think I'd miss you even if we never met.

~ The Wedding Date

She said I'm sexy. I like to think that as long as it's real to her, I'm a happy man/hobbit. For seriously, my looks don't cut it and my moves are as awkward as a lamb being hunted down by a lion and if somehow in all my limitations and imperfections I can paint her a smile, I will always be happy. Today it's the start of another week and it's called Monday. Since everything that blew by us last week, I have started seeing things in a different light. It's not to say that I have loved her less but rather I have figured out ways to love her so that she's comfortable.

The weeks ahead will be hectic and I don't think we will see each other much. What matters is how to treasure and made these short moments, moments to be cherished. We will both miss each other more I hope during this hectic period so that when we meet each second becomes all the more precious. Hoping to get away from all the everyday noise and just be at peace. That's why the weekends are never enough. We never get enough of peace and just being in the moment with the people who matter to us.

I'm going to start each day just thinking of doing the important and right things. Be it with her, at work or at home. We have a DL list and I believe in that list. I believe that these are the things that really matter and things that I want to make my life complete. But these are just things. It's always her that make these things important. So I will live my life with this in mind, of the important things and her obviously. Just taking it one day a time. Maybe, just maybe like Nick Mercer, I think I will miss her even if I never met her.

PS. Bie, we'll walk each day and we will find joy in love. Love comes in all forms but mine to you, it comes from everything you. It's always about you. Because everything I need and everything I want is in you. You are all my reasons.

spending friday with your heart

2009-08-13T21:35:00.000-07:00

Jamie: I'm scared of not being with you.
Landon: Oh baby, that'll never happen... I'll be here.

~ Take a risk. Dare to move. Love is a leap of faith. A WALK TO REMEMBER

It's finally Friday on a week I wish I could forget. We're going to see a play tonight and I am going to go home with her heart. The only regret is that I wished I could take her with me. She needs time. I need strength and I find it in believing. There is nothing to believe except in us and I do believe in us. All I want to do now is wait. So that when she comes looking for me when she's ready, I am right here. Waiting for her.

I woke up wishing that everything was over. I wished that everything would end and that by some miracle, everything would be clear for both of us.Surprising how everything comes back full circle. How at the start when she had to go away, she asked me if I would wait. And now, maybe that makes sense. I am waiting. Waiting for that smile to come running back.

PS. Bie, I love you. It's just that simple.