leaving it to the stars

Annie Reed: Destiny is something we've invented because we can't stand the fact that everything that happens is accidental.
Sam Baldwin: You ask what was special about my wife? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic.

~ Sleepless in Seattle



I believe in destiny. That all things while not defined always changes based on what we choose to do with what has been given to us. I do not believe that fate has already been decided. I believe that each of us has multiple endings or multiple destinies that we determine ourselves. I believe that we decide on which ending that we see at the end. And everyday counts, we choose which fate takes place everyday of our lives. We all have choices and that makes all the difference.

Tonight, I'm sitting here deciding to paint everything happy as I wait for her to finish. I'm not by her side physically to be able to see her right now but I am happy because I know she has never left me. I choose to be happy because I know right now that she's happy. I do not see her with my own eyes but my heart tells me that she is. And I am happy because I believe in that. I did not always tell her or show her this and I regret this. But, I decided that things would have to change and I'm starting with everyday.

I see things about her, little things. And everything I see about her is special and I would very much like to be part of that. I just hope that she does see her happiness in everything in me too. I hope that I don't do things that upset her but that can not happen unless she sees the little things about me too and she sees me for who I am, as someone whose made up of little things that makes her happy. I know at times, she sees all these little things and it irritates her because she sees me but does not accept everything I do or who I am.

I wish that she sees me as someone who can make her happy. I hope that whatever sadness she has, I could make it go away for her everytime. I wish that whatever bothers her, I could carry it for her. I wish my smile and just me being with her can make her see that I have no intention of mocking her, making fun of her, bothering her nor do I want to be a pain. I just want her to be happy. And I want to stand with her. She will not read this for hours but I want her to now that I am always thinking how best to help her. Sometimes maybe I just need to walk away but will she know how I feel or what is it my heart feels when she's hurt?

I see her and I see happiness. She sees me and she sees whatever affects her at times. I am not enough to make her truly happy all the time. If she's happy, she sees me and things as happy but when she's sad, she sees me and things as sad. I hope one day I will have done enough, loved her enough that when she's sad, I will always be strong enough to be able to make her happy by myself. I don't want to be always her number one but I do hope she can be happy when she sees me happy for her at all times. I am not the hero that her heart deserves yet but in all my imperfections, I am believing and I'm holding her hand as we walk each moment. We love each other and we're just learning to live life together one day, one step at a time. I have my mistakes but what we have is time, what we need is to be patient and just learn and trust in love.

PS. Bie, do you hear me? Talking to you. Across the waters, across the deep blue ocean, under the open sky...oh my, baby I'm trying. I'm learning. I'm believing. I love you.

i think forever and ever will be enough

I think I would miss you even if I'd never met you.

~ The Wedding Date



This morning driving Ms. Lion, I said I would try to write something romantic today without sounding like a nerd trying too hard to which she smiled. She smiles so beautiful with the sunlight in her face. Jennifer Aniston once said that the best smell in the world is that man that you love. The best smell in the world to a silly lamb is when a lion has that dreamy look fixed on the lamb and slowly bends over to rest the lamb's shoulder. And when the lion leans over that much slightly and the lamb so much as takes a whiff of the lion, its as close to heaven. That lamb doesn't mind waking up to heaven everyday. Everyday for a lifetime.

Baby, its the 99th scribble on eletronic paper and today, like always, you are simply the most beautiful women in the world to me. I wonder if by the 99th post, would you know why do I always call you beautiful and not hot. By the 99th dance for you, I don't know if you actually wonder why when you're sad and pour like drops of rain, I'm worst than a thunderstorm. I'm not sure by this 99th post if you know why when the entire world falls asleep under the stars, why I would lie awake listening to your heartbeat, singing in a crappy voice that no one hears and kiss you when you're not aware.

I wonder if by the 99th writing across the heart that beats for you, if sometimes when you close your eyes, you would see the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are sweating, who holds your hand in front of God knows who, and who thinks you’re pretty without makeup on. I wonder if you sometimes miss a guy who won’t leave you when he has to be somewhere, and can’t stay away from you. But most of all, I wonder if by the 99th whisper in blogosphere if you know that all these questions are not important because I have forever and ever with you written all over me.

Renee Zelweger in Jerry Maguire shouted, "I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is." After a journey of holding your hand walking through 99 posts, I wonder through the sun and rain, if I have become the one, the one who you have confidence in that can walk forever and ever with you. Today's post maybe simple, but nothing more than to ask if you would like to take another dive with me, if you would like to see the sunset in Bali with me, if you would like to eat dessert along the busy streets of Hong Kong with me and in this life, if you would like to watch each sunrise and sunset with me teethless and grey haired. Our forever's waiting for us, all we're doing is walking there one step at a time with a DL list in our hands and all the love in the world around us. I love you more and more at the 99th.

PS. Bie, this is the first 99th to come, will you be there with me at 99 watching our sunset together?