Today I'm not there

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

~ Captain Corelli's Mandolin



Today I'm not by your side at the office like it used to be. But did you know that never did I ever leave you alone? I will never leave you alone baby.

Maybe like the story above, love is what happens when all feeling of being in love has passed. And what is left is this conviction, this belief of love. Love is the beauty of the soul and you are mine, my beauty and my soul. When we kiss, we feel the warmth because it is precisely at that moment when the souls meet. And after all the passion that fades away, you know precisely whether you have met love.

Because the love of that kind lasts. Today begins officially the new chapter of our lives. I don't have a name for this but what I know is that my hand is here waiting for you. I won't be seeing you today. But this blogpost, is an email from my heart. And my heart, my heart baby always beats for you.

Today we stand at start of another chapter, and somehow each page I turn is filled with beauty. You are the greatest beauty that I will ever discover. And the luckiest man is the one who finds that beauty in his life everyday. I know you think I'm lazy. Yes, I maybe be lazier than the past. But this much is true, that my love for you will never be lazy. My love I promise for you is eternal.

I know today my role is not the same but I have no pride and I always listen. Maybe my career path is not the same like when we first met but the truth is that I was meant to meet you and to love you. I always want you to know that nothing is wrong with professing all the love in the world for the woman you love and I love you. Nothing changes and I choose you and I will always love you this way. Today I woke up and it was all beautiful when I met your eyes :)You are my tree and we are one.

PS. Bie, today you're beautiful. I love you.

the only plan - is you

So, this is love... so, this is love. So, this is what makes life real good. I'm all aglow... and now I know, the key towards heaven is love....

~ Cinderella



West Side Story once quipped, "Only you, you're the only thing I'll see forever. In my eyes, in my words, and in everything I do." Some people say that their lives revolve around someone and everything they do is just for that person. And people call them foolish. I'll take foolish any day as long as that person I fall for is you.

When you are able to wake up to a moment of joy, that is happyness. But what if you are able to wake up to moments of joy everyday without you asking for it? That is more than a blessing and something that can easily be taken for granted. But more importantly, how much it can shape a day for someone as long as that moment holds so much relevance and importance.

That is the essence of love. To hold a moment to last a lifetime. It's easy as humans to forget. For us to let go of the great moments simply because it has passed us by. The problem with us humans is that the emotions do not linger and sometimes we forget how much it means to be able to taste it and live it. That is why I am reminded everyday when I open my eyes, that this warmth next to me is that same single warmth that will continue to light up my life. It's not because I have to remember that it becomes happyness.

But because this warm feeling inside, even after the warmth has passed away, that feeling of holding on and wanting it is strong. Because there is magic in love and for some it fades faster, for me, it lingers and grows.

Sometimes as humans, we let the moments slip by because too many other moments demand our time and attention. But that's the funny part about us. We multitask and beneath all our immediate thoughts, there are innate ones that we hide or not let out in the open. I will not say that every moment is of you, my lion, but I will say that every moment, is of happyness that comes from you and about you. And somehow that warmth, this thing called love, never seems to fade. Sometimes it sneaks out in smses, chats, emails and words, but it's always there.

I write this today. At the moment of crossroads. At the intersection of another path. Yes, I do not have all the answers but I know this. I love you, and that is the only direction I need. I will be leaving AirAsia soon and that in itself is painful on so many personal levels. This is where we met and no matter how my days here end, this was a place where love found it's place, grew and still grows. So inspite of all the temporary emotions at the end of my days here, it never changes the fact that there is always warmth here. Because of you.

Looking ahead at the decisions to be made, my mind is clear and my heart is steady. I do not know the answer while typing this down. But thought it would be a welcome distraction to let you know that underneath it all, I love you and that in itself is a beautiful thing.

PS. Bie, amidst all the noises and all the distractions, you are true, the only thing true that I can count on and look forward to each day. I love you.

Scribblings on a Monday

Your eyes are the sweetest stars I've ever seen.

~ Moulin Rouge



There are no stories today. Not because you are right here where my eyes can find you. And I am writing this not because there is a rush of emotions that my hands start dancing. In fact, it's just the start of another week to start the month of March. I know it is beautiful like any other day because I woke up to you and I know everyday with you should be called lion's day because you make everyday meaningful. But then again, I did not write this today to tell you that although my eyes and my everything betray me in front of you.

I write this today. For you. I know you always wondered what would my wedding vow be. I wrote this before. Intending it to be beautiful. I know you will be surprised on why am I writing this openly and for you to read.

I wrote this intending it for the 6th of November...

"Today I stand before the sweetest star God could have drawn in the skies. And as I look at them with the most important promise I will make this lifetime, I take your hand, and put on this ring. I stand before you at the start of our chapter, at the start of this commitment of us. This chapter right here, I call marriage. I promise to love you beyond any promise I could ever make, I will be here in any cloud that blocks you from my earth, and I will be here because I will always love you. You are my lion, my partner, my wife. I am no genius but I know what it means to love perfection. Today and everyday of our lives, I give you....me"

But as you know, this only means that I found a "better" wedding vow. Not so sure if I found a "better" one but maybe I have a vow in my mind that better puts into words what I feel for you baby. So consider this a sneak preview of the months to come. Of what I feel for you, our wedding, our marriage and the next chapter of our lives. I know you're only going to get more frustrated wondering what I'm going to say on the biggest day of our lives but that's love. Always surprising, always warm, always whispering that same joy.

I love you baby and I know I won't get to spend so much time physically around you soon but my heart, my heart, I lay in the palm of your hands.

PS. Bie, just wait for our wedding day. It's going to be beautiful :)

The only plan is you

Being with you made me feel that maybe I didn't have to keep planning anymore because it felt like I was actually living. And that for once in my life I wouldn't have to work so hard at being happy. That it could just happen.

~ Boys and Girls

Today woke up sad and the day became worse when I missed your call. Just going through the motions today and nothing is important than telling you this message baby. I miss you and nothing is more important than you. Everytime you step out, the light becomes a little dimmer and the rain drops a little harder. I woke up to another emptiness and the ribena was sweet because you made it but not sweet enough with you here. People think they get used to things and don't feel so bad.

The only thing I get used to is this feeling that's so bad everytime you go away. I wrote you your note today, with smoke signals, telephones, wire calls all saying the same thing; I love you baby. Today, your lamb is writing you another story while you're gone, a little story to accompany you in Bei Jing when the temperature drops below zero, this heart of a lamb is here to keep you warm.

There are many stories of how the world came into being. But this was long kept hidden and secret. It was not the most interesting but it was the most sincerely written. The story is starts with a void and darkness like all start of the world. And they it began with light and the seas and the land separated. Each living being was rolled out be it from it's nests in the stars to the skies, from beneath the seas to the above and from behind the mountains to the deeps. All manner of creatures arose. Some no longer exists.

But they rolled out into being when the earth groaned and shook at the first light of day. A great many fascinating creatures there were, some magnificent with pride staring at the new world, some minuscule and frightened as being thrown out of their homes and some simply floating and mesmerised by the new surroundings. And with all the rest of being there came lion and a lamb.



They were not sent from the same stars and they was not much that the lion found pleasing at all when she first encountered the lamb. For the lamb was too foreign, it did not speak her language, she kept finding him disturbing for the lamb kept hanging around in the same den and she preferred others from other dens. The lamb was still young in the count of the world compared to the lion. And the lion was restless with how fast the mind of the lamb worked and it seemed too smart for it's own good. But she felt this comfort and allowed the lamb to remain by her side.

The many other creatures picked their spots and some were friendly with the odd couple and some were hostile. The lion always watched the lamb at the beginning of the world and the lamb always found a curious way to paint her smiles. At first wary, all guard was washed away and slowly warm feelings started to grow. And it grew with the world, the flowers, the beauty and the warmth. All was well and there were storms as the land started to calm down and began to be stable.

So many emotions ran in between and the lion and the lamb grew up in their relationship with time. And in time, the lion became more wary over shadows that peeked at the lamb and was jumpy at other creatures out to hunt down the lamb for she had begun to care for the lamb and she was warm beneath it all for the lamb. They went on many adventures at the cracking of the earth, on high seas to the skies riding on beasts of wings and beyond. They explored the depths of the beauty of the earth and often found sweet surprises always lurking around the corner.

The lion was selfish, selfish over happyness and the lamb too had always wanted to provide it. Once, it happened that the lion crept out early and left messages for the lamb but the lamb was too drowsy to realise and it made her sad. But once the lamb awoke, he never stopped sending smoke signals by burning the fields, by calling out to the stars so that she always knew he loved her. Yes, for they were in love.



Darkness was a sad time but never lonely because it was always another day galloping together, paw and hoof pass meadows and pass new memories that continued to grow and live on. Together they rode with time. The lion was at times edgy and nervous about how things proceeded and if the lamb would wander but the lamb only wanted to remain. The world was vast and the lion was worried that one day one beauty, one other creature might stay his heart.

But little did the lion realise that it took much much more than anything in the world to separate both. And if you look real close at the stars at night, you will see a distant star of a lion and a lamb riding each night, writing a new chapter each day of happyness and love. Where do they ride? On and on they say until the end of days.

The End.



This simple story's for you baby. I know you deserve way more than this but I wrote this for you and the moral of the story is simple. I will always love you and ride this life with you. On and on until the end of days. Our road, our path is now, and you are my now which you now and if you ask if you are my tomorrow, yes baby and a million times yes. How do I know? Love has all the answers.

Riding another chapter with you. You are here again and not here. You left with my heart but left all your memories here. From the seat you left empty waiting for you to come back to the emptiness I can not fill. If there is one answer baby, yes that answer is you. You are my one, my all, my everything and I love you. Missing you so so much. I have this plan for my entire life mapped out and that plan is you. Waiting for you..

PS. Today I woke up empty because you took everything and left me only memories that are only enough to last me until you get back. I don't blame you, only my love for you that grows stronger with each passing day. Missing you so so much my lion.