To love is....

I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are.

~ Chasing Amy



To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love; to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy; therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

Therefore, to love is to love, to live in happyness all the days of one's life. Lion is in a bad spell of being pissed with me. Have no idea why she thinks she's not the center of the universe anymore when everything says she is. But maybe like she always tells me, girls like to always know and they want their man to always be by their end comforting them, noticing them and placing them as important. Girls always react funny like changing their profile pic on Facebook to let the man know something is wrong and simply wait for him to say something. Only, that something is said here. I do care what you do and what is it that disturbs you. I care about the way you work and go through each day of your life. I drop by with small hints and maybe you were too busy to notice. No, I am not here to say I have already love you so much that you should be overwhelmed and you are over reacting but I am here to say again and again, YOU matter to me, every second of every passing day.

You matter from the moment I get up to the moment my eyes close shut. I may happen to be distracted by the things that go on but you always fail to see that you are still the first thing I see and the last thing I think off before the stars turn off the lights. Maybe you did not know, but you were the only thing I think of on the way to work, in between meals, running for meetings, talking to clients, in front of a podium during a presentation and on the way back. You are there because you are you. You matter to me because I love you and when you love someone, you let them know. From the way I touch you, hold your hand to the way I look at you like no other.

It has admittedly been a long time since this blog has been updated, it's either been flurry rush through work then recuperating on off days or busy with the wedding preparations. But this is no excuse for you feeling neglected. So I am here today to brighten a small spot of your day. I am here today like John Nash of A Beautiful Mind, simply because of you. You are the reasons I stand today and you are every part of who I am. So don't say I make decisions not for both of us, because in all reality, you are me, so much a part of me, that I can't help but know that you are my life, my today, my tomorrow and my days to come. When I mean every decision is for us, I mean it, because you will always be there to live this life with me together.

Today, I woke up realising that perhaps the ways you see things are not the same as me. It could be my glasses or my retardness. But one thing I am certain is that I love the way you get upset about me, because you want to care and you want to matter so much. And that somehow makes me smile. Because in all the noise of today, when people brush you by, and even when some like Shereen show you kindness, no one matters more to you, touches you deeper than just a simple tweet or a photo change from a silly lamb :P but what paints me happyness really is when I also realise that I am too so much of you. That I too have become so much of you simply makes me happy.

There are no stories that I could write today. Because no story carries more weight than the story we are writing and will be continuing to write all the days of our lives. I wish to say that when I wrote this, the birds chirped and the sun sang outside the veranda. And probably they did, only love was guiding my hand and love was blinding me when I again put pen to paper and let love dance the way. This smile I have when I am finishing this post for you, is my smile to say, how lucky I am to have you in my life. So, I'm going to stop soon and come back to bed and give you a kiss on your forehead and see if I can get you to see the horizon, the beauty of today, with you in my life.

Today, in the days heading up to our wedding, I can't wait for our marriage to begin and our journey to keep on going. I can't wait for the possibilities that await us. The trials, the sorrows, the joys. I want them all with you. Because I want to live my life...with you. Every single moment of it. Baby, when you read this, know this. That my heart, my heart is in the palm of your hands. It lives, breaths and beats for you. I love you.

The best of me

"But to see her was to love her, love but her, and love her forever."

~ Robert Burns



Today and most days are a mess of catching up with life. But there is always a calm for me in my new routine. When things become too messy or things seem to fly by. I close my eyes for five minutes and I see you. For that few moments, that calm guides me on what to do.

You left back home for the week today and all a lamb can do is have these moments with you. And I see you here with me most of the time. Although the busyness of the day leaves me not much time to write to you. But when I do, I write not just to tell you that I love you but I write too to be at peace and know that love will always support me.

Today, driving by and listening to the radio, about the favourite past times of Malaysians, was also thinking about my favourite past time and that still is lazing around with you. I write today, to let you know that the best of me, is you. I wake up think about the day, the beginning, the middle and the end. I plan my steps and what I'm going to do flows right in. And something else also floats in at the same time, this part about you. I don't know or can plan you but something everyday about you makes me smile and you become the best part of me.

People often ask me. What's the best quality I can describe myself as. I haven't been asked that in a while. But if I'm ever asked that again, you can be sure that my answer will be you. It will always be you. Penning off this short note with a short story I once read.

There was a poet and he wrote about love. But he was not in love. His poems were a favourite with the ladies but everytime some one asked him what inspired him, or what drove him to write about such beautiful poetry, he would answer with this, "I am not in love because I simply have not found someone worth loving. Or my soul has not found it's worth". At this, most would simply shake their head and walk away non-chalant at his behaviour and his deemed superiority. One day, he told the same to an old soldier and the soldier replied, "Worth of love comes from worth of self. You haven't looked inside yourself and you will never see. Love does not appear, it finds you. God knows how many times you must not have looked when love came knocking".

Anyone can write about love. But only one who embraces it, will find peace. Even the most beautiful poetry about love will turn people away. The simplest of poetry about love in the eyes of a person in love is a treasure. Wonderful words can capture the imagination and ensnare the senses, but it can not set love free. People look for love in poems, movies, writings, novels, but all along love is all around. I too need search no more, I see my love that will last a lifetime in you. And I love you baby.

This is my poem to you today, you are and will always be the best of me and I hope the best of us. Today's beautiful and I only wish you were here with me in this moment. Seeing what I'm seeing always, you.

PS. Bie, today I saw a brownish fading black bird and it reminded me of your hair. I saw a tree waving, and I'm reminded by the way you move, as elegant as the breeze. And I saw a black spark, and I'm reminded of your eyes and the soul I see in them, perfect. I take a walk today and everyday, and I see you.

A reminder in the name of love

He was like an angel, you know? I never knew life could be like that. He was the one thing I followed through in my life, the one thing I didn't give up on. I was good at loving him.

~ The Untamed Heart



Today like every few weeks recently, Lion has taken to reminding me how much (or rather little) time I spend on her and it's depressing that way that she can't tell if it's because I'm lazy or simply because I don't have time for her being pre-occupied with my new job.

You told me again today to stop and take a look at our lives and notice the changes. I took a halt while driving this morning and I examined my life today. And what I never fail to notice is how much I love you baby.

Just want to put it down in writing that; baby, today, and everyday, you're still the one that occupies the life, my life as a whole. Been running around and if I could have done things smarter, it would be easier for me to make time for us. Loving you is still the same bie. That's the storyline cast in stone and so it will always be. Today, woke up knowing you were by my side, and that is the greatest comfort I could ask for. And from today again, this week you're gone and a lamb can only wait until the week is up to see the most precious thing, person in my life.

It's not I don't think of you, it's just work and routines catching up to me. I guess it's all about being smarter with what has been given to me :) this year seems to be moving along pretty fast and maybe the greatest blessing is that we have each other to look forward to at the end of the day.

This blog without doubt is getting more bare and empty by the day. I wish I could put pen to paper more often on what it means to live everyday with you and more importantly, what you mean to me. That would mean me writing the same thing everyday. This is my note to you baby, I know you have not seen a physical one on your desk for a while. But this is not about you getting used to new experiences with me. This is about you baby. And I love you. I know you send me the same message too everyday and all I do is I write it better.

But this is the truth and you are my truth. Today, for me, going to work is for now, all about our wedding. I haven't forgotten why I took up this job and I believe that holding your hand is the most beautiful experience everyday. I just wish you would stop trying to catch my records in Tap Tap Revenge because I totally beat you :P

PS. Bie, spend more time loving me too :P

training day

Was on the side of the agency after so many years. Feels rusty being at the forefront again for a turn. Wore long sleeves again after ages and the pants could barely hold in all that growing fat from the days in AirAsia. Lion said I looked fat, I think I look different. Am seeing things different now from the brash man who barged into everything with passion and maybe it's a sign of growth or it could be just a lesson in life. I still live by passion and I don't think it's learning from the past that keeps me in check. But maybe I've learned what it takes to make things successful.

Today had a glimpse of a client I will be working with for a long time to come. Like the ocean, it had it's ups and downs and like the ocean, the meeting held so much underneath the surface. So much potential yet at times the surface was murky with so many potential problems to come.

Felt a tinge of excitement at starting another social media project from ground up again and it admittedly is another challenge worth getting up to work for. Too often, I ask myself if I was on most days in AirAsia so swept away with complacency and finding excuses to let the passion drain away. I always thought it was passion that was too energy consuming that in time caused burn-out. But sitting in the meeting today, listening, looking at another team have a stab and a go at something I saw through my own eyes, I think it was more, no company offered a vision compelling enough for me to stay passionate.

Looking back, I realised how reckless it all seemed to kickstart the social media assets at AirAsia. But I know it was precisely because I was reckless and crazy enough that it succeeded. May that hunger and passion never die out.

Having a hand in my own career path like never before, I wonder if things this time might be different. So much excitement and the "ocean" beckons and calls. Everything seems right again. Can't wait for the passion to engulf and overcome me once I put on that shirt and pants again. Same pants, same shirt, all new day. Can't hardly wait. Wonder if the passion will last. The ocean calls. Here we go go go.

PS. Bie, have I told you that you're beautiful today. Thanks for waiting and thanks for being here at the start of a new chapter.