Aimless

They say that its always quiet before the storm. That there is this huge vacuum of everything and a giant silence. And in the middle of this gentle quiet, the clouds gather above while the molecules charge and fight and clash. And finding myself in this inner quiet in the bottom of all that is raging above, there is no calm, there is no quiet. Just when I had naively thought that there would be progress that we could at least talk, the storm announces that it is all over.

That nothing could salvage anything in between anymore. I wish I could shout now at the middle but the storm drowns everything out. I wish I could do something but the storm rages on. I wish I could always paint you smiles. I wish this was the start rather than the end.

I wish for many things but most of all I wish for you.

Thinking out loud

Whenever I cried he would always make me feel like he would change the world if he could so it couldn't hurt me anymore. But now I’m crying and he's not here

~ I Love the Way You Lie



Perhaps one day when you read this regardless of what happens tomorrow, you might be surprised to find me finding solace and rest from all that is happening in this blog. Maybe it would be best to scribble my thoughts here afterall in the quiet of the storm. Finding you here is a revisit back to the sunnier times. What you have said in many parts were true last night. Maybe with time, many things that I used to for you were taken away. Bit by bit that when I do think about how I express how I feel for you, there is shame, a tingle of regret and more what can I do after all has been said.

To write again for you although I do not want you to read this now, I understand that making promises do not mean a thing. To figure out how to reach out to you in all this darkness, these few days have been constant inner thinking and inner figuring out of things. I too have been thinking about who I am, what can I do and everything else that can paint this smile back on your lips. I have had many nightmares of a tomorrow without you and even you stabbing me in the heart. But regrets do not mean anything now. I wake up thinking and touching you when you won't push me away.

I wish I could use what seemed easy to me, words to put out all these negativity from between us. I wish that I could show you again what it meant to be in love with me again and the joy in between. I wish that I could write you to your heart again and you would feel it.

But the reality is that promises do not mean anything without actions. Does this mean after a few nights of looking at myself, I have figured out what to do? Does it mean doing it will make you feel something for me again?

Putting words do not mean anything when there is not a shred of trust in you for me. All the words that my heart whispers listen as lies. So what do I do when I can't use what comes naturally to me?

I wish you could remember what I wrote for you here but the romance of these words have long past and in this darkness, it does not hold any light.

I wish I could touch your heart but I can't seem to reach it with you pushing me away. Every touch I make hurts you and it pains me. It might seem that you are in a corner and I refuse to let up. I find it really hard to watch you there and even more painful not to reach out to you in pain. I wait for a miracle. But is that the only way?

Will there be a miracle?

I haven't never believed in waiting. In miracles. Or in standing by being a witness in time. But here I stand waiting, believing in miracles, being witness to all this happening and not being able to do anything. Or is that the case?

I trust in the love we have. It has never been so easy to be extinguished. I trust in the thing that brought us together will keep us together. I trust in you. Because if you do give up on me, who else will have any hope for me?

Writing Anew

Today begins a new chapter in my blog. We are now married and expecting a child. But cracks have emerged and to say that this is the beginning of the end is no exaggeration. I have spent many nights recounting the past and the days ahead. I write thi for the next few days or months or years ahead. I do not know how the chapters will flesh out or how this will end.

Each passing moment ahead will be painful as she uttered that each touch of mine hurts and that I have become a pain. I try to recount the days past and mistakes that have caused hurt. Many say that a guy can make a girl cry but when a girl can make a guy cry, you just have to hold on to that girl.

Each hurt that has passed flashes before my mind lately and I can barely sleep with nightmares. Today she finally talked to me after a few days and she screamed at me yesterday. The first sign of communication that we have had in the last few days. And tonight we had a conversation about the end. I often wondered about our end, about sailing into the sunset and spending the remainder of our days toothless and with grey hair. Each dream I had of the future seems bleak. This is our journey now as I hope to perform what may seem a miracle. It seems that the best my wife took has turned on her. That the bet that turned out to be has lashed back and all the person you can love can ask for is for you to release her.

I set out from this moment to attempt a "miracle" in her eyes. To show that what we hold dear matters and somehow reverse the inner demons inside me. To return trust to where it is mow hurt. I write on the foundation of where I expressed my love an our story. I write not with hope nor the promise of myself which is lacking to her. I write with the honesty laid bare that a man at the end will survive an create a miracle with love. It has been many moons since we last embraced a moment we call our own. Each turn of life holds a new story and deep within I hold hope. As faint as it is, and a small as this whisper is in my heart, I hold on to love. Love that brought us here. I have nothing left to do but trust in love.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new chapter. It is not about righting wrongs or doing the right thing. It is living life and seeing each day pass. And who knows what the tide may bring with the new dawn. I hope for love and the dream long buried.

This Little Note

I know that to love you is a treason against France. But not to love you is a treason against my heart.

~ Man in the Iron Mask

Writing you this love note while the rain pours and beats against the window pane has a way of warming the heart. It's begging to be cold outside and somehow typing notes for you always keeps the inside of me warm. I know you hate complicated words and big words so I'll try to keep this note for you simple. I love you and I just want you to know that the only dream that ever mattered has come true. In this life, I was loved by you.

As we grow older together, as we continue to change with age, there is one thing that will never change. . . I will always keep falling in love with you. And somehow like the way you sang Beyonce's Halo, it doesn't feel like falling. So here I am with no other intention other than to paint you your smile for today; telling you that you're the most beautiful woman in the world and that today in all the gloominess of the weather outside, you made it shine for me here.

They say that elephants can die of a broken heart. You are my heart and don't ever break it. I love you baby today, everyday, always.

PS. I know I'm a lamb so don't turn me into an elephant. With you, always