Finding You

[to Johnny]
Baby: Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.

~ Dirty Dancing (1987)



I'm sitting here near the end of the day, thinking how to make you smile. Painting you back these smiles that you used to have won't be easy but I know it is inside you to be happy again. I know that unhappiness around you unsettles you and it makes you uncomfortable. I would like to have an environment around you that gives you this peace to smile. So I decided to write you this short and sweet note of this simple message of how much do I miss you. How much I would like to be by your side to make you smile.

The most precious and valuable jewels you'll ever have around your neck are the arms of your soul mate. I hope being by your side and making you smile are the most precious treasure that you will come to find. I keep looking at my phone when I know I wont have a message from you. These are the times daily when I'm able to let my mind roam and also the times when I miss you but simply can't call you. I know you're busy trying to find your happiness and I hope to meet you soon, and make you smile.

We begin our weekend again and I'm just taking it day by day. I so want to paint you these jewels every moment. Want to be with you so much as I write this. Soon we will have a few days to just sit in and be together. I'm under no delusion that the storm has passed. Tomorrow I do not know what will happen or the things that can change but I know this is me now. You took the worst of me, I promise the best of me ahead.

All the love I have I want to give to you. I love you my lion.

Gathering Clouds

Daisy: Will you still love me when my skin grows old and saggy?
Benjamin Button: Will you still love me when I have acne? When I wet the bed? When I'm afraid of what's under the stairs?
Daisy: What...what are you thinking?
Benjamin Button: I was thinking how nothin' lasts and what a shame that is.
Daisy: Some things last.

~ The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)



Today I woke up thinking that it's early but it's going to be a beautiful day again. I could not imagine how wrong I was. That today, you would be awakening with more questions and doubts. I did not dare pray that you would have changed nor will I not admit that I did not see this coming one day or another. Just when it happens, as a human being, I can't help but still be emotional about it.

You asked me how would this continue that I would be hurt many times ahead and you wouldn't know when. You told me to go search my heart for what is important to me and to be honest to myself. That much I understood. If only I could hold you then when you said this and shout at you from the top to the bottom that you matter. That day when it all broke down, that I came face to face with myself and knew that you were the reason, the only thing I wanted. I looked inside me, this is what I want from my life:-

1. I want you
2. I want our child
3. I like to sit in the toilet and read sometimes and not be bothered
4. I like to play games sometimes to not think of things or to think of things. And I like you to call me in to bed or tell me it's too late. Because I like to come to bed being called by you. I like you to tell me that I'm going overboard and you want me by your side in bed
5. I like to be surprised by you as I can't decide what to do sometimes, just some thing that involves you but I'm not creative enough in those times and really trust you to design those times for us. Until the point, I became dependent, complacent and just carried over.
6. I like you to decide where to eat. Not because I don't know what to eat but I like to eat what makes you happy and try to understand why you like eating them
7. I like you to scold me and tell me where to park. Not because I don't know how to park but I like you fussing about me until lately it becomes clear that I irritate you by my silly questions about parking
8. I like to see certain movies but I do know you won't enjoy all movies so sometimes I like you to decide. Any movie is fine when I can touch you next to me and sit in a dark corner and share food and drink with you. And see you giggle or be afraid
9. I like to just laze around and take things easy. Sometimes when I look back and see how hard I took to get here, I become contented and lazy and that's why we are here today
10. I like to act like I know things. Because growing up I had to know everything with my world, my mom and everyone crumbling around me. That today I think I do know everything and become confident that I'm giving you everything you need. When I realise now that all I've been doing is enjoying the love that you have been giving me, that I have become spoiled by just wanting you to do everything for me.

11. I hate this Japan trip. Not because its the cause of where we are now. Although yes in some parts but I hate to reminded how stupid I was.
12. I hate that we are here now at this. That you would not even want to look at me. I hate that I am to blame for this. I hate that you would think it was all not worth it. That I caused you to feel that it's all for nothing. And most of all I hate for having caused you to doubt
13. I don't like your pessimism about life and that you believe it will all not work out. I don't blame you for thinking so but you are the happiest person I have ever met and I do not believe that I won't be able to make you happy the rest of your life.

Yes you make yourself happy, you allow yourself to smile. But I can make you smile without you controlling it and all you ever want to do is to smile. You asked me if I could keep taking this. I do not know how else to tell you that I brought us to this point and I want to make all things right. I want to be happy with you again. It may seem simple but I know the road there is hard and tough. I know there will be many doubts ahead. I write this, this talk I want to have with you. To tell you what you will not believe now, that I do know what I want and it is you.

You want me to go out there, to put myself out there and be honest about how I feel and about who I am as a person and what do I want. I have. I know. This finding you and you smiling with me as we grow old together. Sharing all we have. That is all I know in the end makes me truly happy. I have asked myself if I'm simply doing all this because we're here now and married but I know the real reason is the same reason why we got married in the first place. We found each other and that's important. We found each other to be happy. I want to stay there...

Sometimes I wish I could let you peek into my mind and my heart. Maybe then, you would know what I see. What is inside my mind in all things that I do.

Until the next time I write, I love you baby. I love you and I'm not sure that you would even want to read this tomorrow, or the day after. But I do know that if I do not write this down or show you how I've moved on from the days past, I will regret never fighting for you, fighting for what I believe will make me happy until the end of my days. Even if you decide to walk one day, I believe that I will have fought for happiness until that very day. Maybe yesterday there was a glimmer of hope and today more dark clouds blocking the sights, but I do know that today, I held your hand, kissed you on the cheek and for the briefest moment, you did smile.

Day by day

Reuben Feffer: Since we have been together I have felt more uncomfortable, out of place, embarrassed, and just physically sick then I have in my entire life. But I could not have gone through that, I could not have thrown up 19 times in 48 days if I was not in love with you.

Along Came Polly (2004)



I wake up everyday and I see you by my side. I think of the most beautiful thing to say to you. For when a man wakes up and opens his eyes to the most beautiful person in the world, sometimes words are not necessary and I blink them again refusing to get out of bed and I just stare. Sometimes I lose track of time and before I know it, I must leave or be really late. It's not elegant the way I kiss you goodbye sometimes and I fumble, keep coming back to kiss you the same way. The same feeble and weak ways to say that you mean the world to me and if I could choose, the only place I would be in the world is in those sheets next to you.

Holding you close, smelling you and your hair, planting kisses all over you and touching our son before I leave. I walk out slowly, heavy thoughts of you and our son. That sustains me as I encounter people I hate driving on the road and the challenges in the office. I walk each step with both of you holding my hands and my mind. I pass each moment, thinking what will I need to do to make both of you smile. I call you and I hear your voice and I lose all train of thought again. I message you and each reply I get back sends a tingle through my heart.

I sit and wonder sometimes how could I not have told you how much these all meant to me. Could today I dare place something in hope again? I dare not. I only wish to keep painting you smiles each moment I can. I close my eyes finishing this letter to you. And I picture you again turning in that way only you could as time freezes and the same music plays in my mind. I take a look at the time and know it will be soon that we meet again. That brings joy to me. That little bump in spirit at the end of a long day. I can't wait to see you and our son soon. You are my meaning and will always be. I love you, today, everyday and the days to come.

When you read this one day, I wonder how silly I would sound or if this post does not mean anything to you then. But deep inside, I place hope that you would smile, you would understand that you are the most important thing to me in this world, my sweet beautiful lion. I love you, I love you. Yes, I love you.

Squinting beyond the clouds

I'm mortified, petrified, stupefied by you.

~ A Beautiful Mind



They say that people measure the heart by so many ways. I choose to measure it by how much it still breathes of you. The weekend passed by in a glimpse of an eye and here we are still holding hands, though me clinging on more than us holding them in gentle embrace as in the past. But what's important is that we still are. Here we stand still in the middle of the storm and I just refuse to go on speculating what else is happening and what else will come up next. The only thing that I will allow myself now is perhaps knowing that we are still together.

I begin to understand now how much things were lost in between but just sitting by your side and looking at things, it's slowly coming back and I sensed that you felt it too. That little of bit of magic, that extra warmth in the touches, and the simple things that we have taken for granted. I know that from time to time I catch you wondering when this will last and what next. I see the worries in your eyes and they way you comfort yourself that you need to be always be prepared and always on your guard. I see it in the way you look at me, wondering how much is true and how much do you trust.

All I know is that we have now with our child. And I will take it one day at a time. I approach each day not with hope but with the certainty that I will be all you need, one day at a time. I must be honest that I do not know if everything will come back or if anything will change, but I do know that I have this moment to love you and cherish you and this gift of our child. I know that every boy wakes up to be a man. I'm not sure myself what kind of man I will be but it will be one centered on loving you and finding every joy in that with you until the end of our days.

I know how you say that saying is not doing. Here I am, doing things in my little ways. I close my eyes and do think back too from time to time and everyday I'm determined to make things better for us. I shut my eyes and I see you and this song that keeps playing; Lathika's theme that delivered you on our wedding day. I close them and I see you as how you should be. I know things can never go back but I know we can make it better. I know that there is this good in me that can paint back brighter smiles than you could ever wonder. I know I can do so much more than the past. I know I don't or can't do things that your friend's husbands can do. But I can do this, love you with all I am to be and all I have.

Today, I allowed myself to smile a little more, to walk with a spring in my step a bit to dare to dream a bit more. But more importantly, to be able to smile myself a bit more. I know the road ahead is long. I write this as my personal journal for you one day if it ever comes to it that you can smile as usual too. That you know what went through my mind during this period. Of how much your smile and love means to me. Of how much you mean to me. I love you baby and I hope to show you that I will love you all the days of our lives.