you are the only thing Real

What is real? How do you define real? If you mean what we can taste, smell, hear and feel then what's "real" is nothing more than electrical signals interpreted by your brain.

~ Morpheus, The Matrix



If what is real is what we see, taste, smell, hear and feel then is real only us interpreting signals? Life is more than all that our senses feel and what our brain tells us. Life is more beautiful than that. If not, how do we know that others love us even when they are not around to show it? Or why does my heart becomes warm when I know that she's near and melts when she appears and walks into a room? Or why does everything simply blurs all of a sudden when she looks right at me? And I still can't explain how I stop breathing when she turns from just looking at me to smiling. Then the heart suddenly stops and the head spins and the world is perfect.

In truth, emotions and feelings do not last, or rather more accurately, they do not last without you doing anything. That is why humans are never contented. It's the same with love. For a silly lamb to make a lion fall and stay in love forever and ever with his silliness, it never ends. It's always about never being contented that you have won her heart for the day because once you've won her heart, you need to work many times more everyday to ensure that you treasure that heart that you have been trusted with. It's about always being there for her to love her and cherish her. If I've learned one thing, that's to always, always be everything she needs, her bodyguard, her shoulder when she wants to snuggle (still a cushion not yet a pillow), her chauffeur, her handyman, her insect killer, her partner in crime when she wants to do something evil, her consultant, her companion to talk to and everything more.

The question is not about how many roles do I need to play for her but how much can I be with her. She asks me why do I still write for her. Because simply because she's my reason, she's all my reasons. Today she's smiling and I can't help smiling too. She makes me fall in love all over again more and more each passing day. I wish that I did not feel sad about her needing more time if she makes it and earns the ensemble role as a venus fly trap. But if I did not care about the time spent with her, doesn't that mean I don't really care about her? She does not see how much she means to me. That every second I spend with her, I treasure.

What is real is that I do care about her and how much she smiles. Typing this, I'm thinking about her and tonight. I'm praying that she makes it so all fingers crossed although theres a little place in my heart that asks why I feel sad at the same time. Hope she's not that nervous later and she haves fun. That much is true. The truth of the matter is that she has my undivided support, so live life baby and I'm living mine too with you. What is also real is that I love her and I will say it again and again as long as she keeps smiling and holds my hand. Because I really do see how much she loves me too in her eyes and what is more real is that I too see forever looking back at me. And my heart stops and my head spins and the world is perfect.

PS. Bie, you are all my reasons. I love you. Today you're not in that audition alone, I'm rite here with you.

What is beautiful

Perhaps it is good to have a beautiful mind, but an even greater gift is to discover a beautiful heart.

~ A Beautiful Mind



She wants to live life. And the conclusion is that I too simply want to live life with her. Writing this down, I know she will not read this again today and I really do not know when she will. But when she does, I hope what she sees is that she's the only thing that matters to me. That she's the only thing that I always see. She told me yesterday to find something that I will be passionate about in life and something that interests me. I was so tempted to tell her that I have found mine and I am contented with that one thing for life, her. She's got her heart in many places but I have mine in one, its always her. She's my reason, she's all my reasons and the wonder of it all is she does not really know how much I love her.

Life is simple. At times when I am lost, there is only one way to find my direction and that way is to go back to the start. When I am lost, I simply remind myself to back to the basics and remember why do I love her and everything becomes so clear.

Today she's smiling again and that is all I can ask for. She's beautiful today again. It's not her makeup that makes her beautiful although she believes so, it's always her smile. She's beautiful because she can't stop making me smile. She's anxious about whether or not she will get the role. I'm confident that she will, simply because she is that gracious and expressive enough to earn her chance. And simply because if she doesn't get this, she will try again. All I can do is watch her be happy and be happy for her. I truly am happy for her at her finally living her life. Because I too truly am living mine.

It's been a while since I last heard this song but guess it's appropriate for her right now.

你愛我像誰
我什麼都沒有
只是有一點吵
如果你感到寂寞
我帶給你熱鬧
為你繞一繞
沒有什麼大不了
卻可以讓你微笑
其實我很煩惱
只是你看不到
如果我也不開心
怕(而)你轉身就逃

愛上一個人
一定要讓他相信
這世界多麼美好
對每個人
都說還好
我的心我的情你不需要明瞭
只要我對你好
這樣的溫柔你要不要

其實你愛我像誰
扮演什麼角色我都會
快不快樂我無所謂
為了你開心
我忘記了累不累

其實你愛我像誰
任何的表情我都能給
在你身上學會流眼淚

This world is simply beautiful when you are. It suns again when you smile and that's all that matters. Today's beautiful and it's all because of you. You are all my reasons.

PS. Bie, you are all my reasons. I know you won't read this today and both of us do not know when. But when you do, hope you know that you're everything that means anything to me. Love you.

Chrononicles and Curious Cases of McLamb

Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?
Sam: You really want to know?
Daniel: I really want to know.
Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?
Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah.
Sam: OK. The truth is actually... I'm in love.
Daniel: Sorry?
Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Daniel: Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
Sam: No.
Daniel: Oh, OK, right. Well, I'm a little relieved.
Sam: Why?
Daniel: Well, you know - I thought it might be something worse.
Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony.



The case file has become more curious and strange as the days go by. The silly lion and lamb seem to be acting all the more weird with time. Today she smiled more than previous days and she seems to be really trying. The lamb on the other hand seems lost at what to do. They parted ways and she went off. After the last encounter tailing the lion, I knew better that it would be a complete waste of time to actually follow her again. It was rather simple actually to follow the lamb instead.

He drove rather aimlessly and barely noticed as I jumped on board his car. The weather was fine today for spying and I'm rather pleased having to hide in the boot that it was finally clean except for some trails of mud and grass. This is another mystery that needs solving but not as important as trying to spy on the more vulnerable lamb. Will send samples of the grass and mud for HQ investigations later on. I had my ears as close as I could and it was only a few minutes before the lamb started on the phone.

How curious indeed that lamb was contacting the lion. Were they operating on a separate mission but working together to ensure their success? The lamb seemed more happy than yesterday and I found his conversation rather stupid and beating round and round the bush. It seemed that all he was doing was really finding an excuse just to hang on the phone with the lion. Was this some code that I need to crack? He mentioned funny stuff in between putting down the phone about just saying things just to hear her breathe. He was happier yes but still sad which I find it hard to understand.

He mumbled things about how hard it was for her that she was trying and he appreciated everything that she did. I nearly caught a tear but it was just a flash of the light. He said what was most important was to take things one day at a time and to just live life loving. Were they planning some coordinated attack on the public now and they just had to be patient and wait for their time? He said something that it's hard to remember happy memories so the only cure is to make happier ones day by day. The lion and lamb relationship seem to be getting odd and I just can't figure it out. On the overall, it was a good day it seemed to the silly lamb and I could gather no more information. Writing this reports without getting caught seems to be getting more hard and weirder by the moment. Hoping to find more clues soon.

McLamb

a new chapter

Death can not stop true love, it can only delay it for a little while.

~ The Princess Bride



Life's as real as the feelings that you feel. I never saw a new chapter coming. I never did think that it would be today. The only thing certain from now on I guess is that it will always be uncertain. I write this down today to remind myself on the gloomiest of days that this is the start and that no matter what I love her. I wish I could buy her trust but the greatest things are always the most difficult. Things that last forever do not come easy. She didn't sleep last night, looking at me, breathing me in, feeling me, just being with me. If she could smile last night, then I will always make her smile.

I walked to her place today, holding her charger and holding back tears. It's difficult to love someone who hates you and cries when they look at you or be near you. But it's okay because I have to believe that I'm going to make her happy forever and ever. She told me that the lion is afraid of continuously biting the lamb and that it would be 'better' and 'easier' for the lamb and lion to go their separate ways. Still don't understand why she thinks giving up forever and ever would be better than facing it together.

She asked me how do we face this together when she can't even stand me. Time and love heals all things. It makes things new and makes it stronger. You just have to believe. Me? As for me, I just need to always be by her side. When she tells me to run, I stay there bite her leg refusing to let go and just be with her. It hurts her and it hurts me but her sadness will go away. Because I can and I will make it go away. It doesn't matter how many times. She's afraid I will get tired and it will eventually become no more forever and ever. I'm here to remind her over and over again that there will always be a forever and ever.

She told me once that I'm the only person capable of making her smile and cry this way. I believe that to be true just not this way. I never thought that I would make her cry just by being around. If I can make her smile too, does this mean I'm torturing her? I am not nor do I plan to. This new chapter will not die a slow death but it will definitely make her believe that anything is possible in love. I need to be strong for both of us. For as long as it takes.

Perfection does not come easy. It's not easy to love someone perfect. No matter how many bites from a lion, her love will always heal a lamb. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow, she'll smile for me or most probably she'll cry but another thing for certain is that I will always love her.

PS. Bie, I don't know if you will even read this but you need to know that nothing in this life will separate us. Hold my hand. It's never going to end.