You are the picture of my heart

You can't express every feeling that you have every moment that you have them.

~When Harry Met Sally



There are days when I just wake up and although I know I need to wake up to go to work and in my heart, I would rather play PS3 online, there is this part of me that wishes I could have days just to wake up and hug you and to let you know there is nothing else in the world I would rather do. There are this days then, like today, when all I want is to look into your eyes and tell you that you are all that matters. That everything I set out to do today is for you. Writing this down just spells out what my whispers and what my mind thinks. But more importantly, it is the only way I know best how to tell you how happy you make me fell. And more deeply, how much you mean to me.

I know there are times when I laze and choose not to get away with you to escape from being tired and choose to be stuck in front of the TV instead. But my heart always is with you. As often as I choose to stay in front, I always after when I watch you can't but help feeling guilty. So I do control more often and I do ask myself more often how also can I make you smile.

These few weeks have been very busy weeks for me at work and I know it takes a toll on us when I can't call just to check on you. But thinking of you at work is the only rest I do get most of the times and also the only comfort on knowing what I'm working so hard for. Can't wait to clear all these outstanding matters when our child is born. These are the things that wake me up most mornings besides you chasing me out of bed.

I like to take these simple moments from time to time to let you know how much you mean to me and how much I need you. I love you and there say you need to show it and not just say it. This is maybe how best I can let you know how much you mean the world to me. Just a simple post on an ordinary Tuesday. But nothing is ordinary or simple when it's about you to me. I love you and I miss you. Thinking of you always.

Writing about Love

" If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn. People die. But real love lives forever."

The Crow



Writing about love is about writing about you. I wish all I have is about painting you the most beautiful smiles that is simply the way to live life. To paint the most beautiful smiles for the person you love the most from the heart. Love I have come to discover over the last few years with you is more than just an expression, more than just a declaration and more than just words. I want you to know that I have come to discover that love is the outward display of how my heart feels when it found you. It skips a beat when my heart takes a peek. It flies when it sees you smile and kiss me. And it simply finds a home when it found you at the wedding altar.

I write on most days because I understand that the heart can not sustain itself without love. It may beat, it may carry a same rhythm but it truly becomes alive with a reason and a purpose, when it beats a different tune, a different song. And when it happens because of you most of the time, you know you're in love. I wish there was a more perfect description of how you make me feel more than the heart. But for someone who lives and survives everyday based on his brain, to let loose and to be alive because of the heart is the most perfect equation of being alive. You make me be alive, you make me want to see how my heart beats everyday and you make me want to smile like I have never smiled before.

The simple things that your hands touch, that your feelings have and the way you smile because of me lets me know that my heart is not alone and that I am truly alive. It means one thing when my heart can do certain things I never knew it could do but it means so much more when your heart replies the same. Most people say that having a child is the most wonderful gift in the world. But I have come to discover that you are the most precious gift that a man can ask for. I have come to know through pain and through time that your smile can mean more than the most advanced machines or the most beautiful creations, because you are perfect. And that is all I need and ask for.

I love you baby and on this day, I just want you to know that my heart beats for you and you alone. Always. Missing you from work and thinking of you.

A simple Friday

"Maybe it is our imperfections which make us so perfect for one another."

~ Emma



I just close my eyes and people say that the most important things will pop out. All I see is darkness. But if I take a closer peek, I do hear this song, Lathika's theme and you appear. And suddenly I forget the darkness and I see this smile. It's the small things I do at work like this that takes me away for moments. And I do need moments like this when things get a bit too hectic. When there is too much noise and too many moments around me that simply scream. I close my eyes, let the song wash over me and let you come to me. I do not have much time at work to let you know this nor to tell you how much you mean to me at these simple moments everyday.

But it's true that you mean the world to me. You can zhai zhai just takes my breathe away from it all in these simple escapes. It's just a relief and a reminder of what am I doing all this for. I close my eyes and let you take me away to our place where all that matters is your smile. Everyday and if I forget to tell you, know that you are the most important person in my life and I rise and sleep with you in my mind. It's simple to feel this and harder for me to record this. At times, when I read the biography of Steve and see how hard it is for him too to be open at times, actually most times. To be able to say what you really mean can be complicated.

But there is nothing complicated in being honest and open about how much you mean to me. People call it love. I think its a special word to describe a special moment. I feel that way about you, this warmth about all the things that make you, you. When you told me about how much you did in the kitchen and in the living room and about wrapping presents, I was with you. I like to close my eyes and imagine me by your side enjoying doing these little things together. I know when I get back home, I'm so washed out and tired and I just want to rest. Simply sit for a while in the toilet and just let things wash over me. But in those moments too, I think about you. About you just outside.

As tired as I am, I want you to know that I do think about you and reach out to you and just want you close. When I become too tired to talk and too tired for anything but just to find a way to let it all out, your hand holding me tells me it's all okay and that's just the greatest feeling at the end of a day. We're watching Twilight today and I think it's going to be an enjoyable and fun night to end the busy weeks I have been having. That little bit of break seems a nice invite just to get away with you. I love you and can't wait to spend time with you tonight. I promise to make you smile and to give you the same warmth you make me feel. I love you and miss you baby. Muacksss

Seeing You Smile Makes me Smile

In my opinion the best thing you can you do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out of your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.

~ Juno



Writing this to my wife whom I sorely miss whenever I am not with her. I just wanted to drop you a simple note on how much you mean to me and how much I would like to see you smile when you read this. It's the same busy dreadful boring Monday and it makes it more painful to waste a great Monday weather in November being stuck in the office. More importantly, I want you to know where my heart and my mind lies, with you. I wish that I could escape from this and just spend some time holding you and our son close on a beautiful day.

When I woke up today, it was to joy and to a wife who just informed me that there was a hot cup of Milo waiting for me to start the day! These small joys are the small victories that make life a joy to walk with. These small milestones are the ingredients that we have that makes each step a step of joy that finishes the day right. Sometimes when you tell me to have more patience, these small joys and small steps of the day keeps me calm and keeps me smiling. It cools any burning anger that develops and like the breeze, it just gets carried away.

Today, I just want to paint you more smiles. I hope this would be that one small step for you, that one small joy of many that I can give you today. Zhai Zhai is getting bigger by the day, yes he is growing within you by the day. You are more and more beautifully pregnant and it always makes me grin to see him growing inside you and the way you reach out to him and let him know he's not alone. Each movement indeed brings joy and every small thing can make us worry but I am here for you. Always.

Each passing day brings so many messages along with these small joys, that the biggest bundle of joy is yet to come and it's coming soon. Counting down the days until it arrives in our arms, taking each day one joy at a time. I love you baby and I hope you're smiling right now. I miss you.

I'm right here

I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you.

~ Roy Croft



When words fail and when everything seems to have been said and done, there are only gaps to fill. I am here to say that all the gaps we need are here. Love, our son and our reasons for waking up are all around us. I like to see you smile. Very much. Every single second of the day. Today it started sunny and bright with you cuddled up nice and tight next to me. When I saw the bent wiper, I immediately turned to you. As much as I would like to say I am your everything, in all reality you are my everything. I need you as much as I want to be everything to you.

Feeling how sad you are last night, it broke some things inside me and I want you to know I am always by your side to protect you so you do not need to feel lonely. Or that you are alone especially when it becomes sad or you feel a need to cry. I am here and as you were there for me this morning. We need each other and will always have each other. I want you to know that the love we have will sustain us. What we have is this new beginning that is simply so exciting for us to hold and witness. This morning when our son was burping and struggling to get out of the burping, that moment we always share with him in between us will always hold us together.

Today, is going to be beautiful no matter what happens. I am waiting for you to come pick me up and that is exciting. To have something to break my normal routine

It's okay. I'm here

There are only four questions of value in life.
What is sacred?
Of what is the spirit made of?
What is worth living for?
What is worth dying for?
The answer to each is the same. Only love.
~ Don Juan Demarco



Baby, dear love of my heart and the reason that I am. I write this to you on a day which you simply charmed my heart when you said you felt you were going to miss me today. It lifted me up and made me happy to face my day. I write this now because I know with all these clouds above you, how could you possibly happily face the possibilities ahead. I know by the time I find myself writing this, most of today will have passed, but I believe that all I want to say is that I am always with you.

I remember this story of this ordinary day. I say it is ordinary because it is not a "special day" that we set aside or something that everyone says we should celebrate. This was a day when we were at home after work at AirAsia. It was a tiring day and all we wanted to do was to go back to your place and relax and simply just not bother about all things in the world. It was breezy and gloomy and it was a long day at work. And there I was as usual, slowly creeping up to your place to bother you to leave and go home. I remember you used to tell me that you would invest a lot of time at work and not leave as you would lose focus of time and place.

That was the first instance that I realised how much both of us had changed. When we drove our normal slow pace back along the similar slow paths, the sky faded gently into the dark. Colour by colour began to lose its shine and faded and gave way to the night. My hands were firmly clutched into yours. I struggle to remember why I smiled so much or why you held me so tightly and tenderly on the simple ride home. We drove home and stopped on the usual corner shop just right around the corner of your house. It began to rain and I held out the umbrella as we ran. As usual, being the careful and overly cautious one, I decided to steadfastly to bring the umbrella along. And as per the very rare occasions when I was right with you, it rained hard but short

When we left I always remember this warmth of holding your hand in one and the umbrella in the other. We walked in the rain and you were a bit upset as you really wanted to walk Prince out that evening. We drove slowly back into the driveway and we settled back in. I went up for a shower and before you knew it, the clouds rolled away, and you jumped up and down over simply being able to walk Prince out. We jumped out into the walkway and there after the drop of rain was the most beautiful sky with all these stars shining above.

I wish I could tell it simpler about how I was simple reason enough. There might be no stars tonight after the rain or a walk with Prince. But every moment with you was a cheer to this silly lamb's heart. On a day when it rains but no stars peek, on a day when it seems there is no reason to cheer, let me be that reason. Let me be all your reasons. I am here. I am here to whisper how much you mean to me. That I can be these tiny pockets of lights in the sky that will make you smile. With all these small reasons beginning with this post and more. I want you to be happy so I can be happy. I love you and am here for you. Always. Painting all these reasons that make the stars of a seemingly normal and sad day. I want you to be happy. So smile for me. Muacksss

Finding the Light

I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.

~ The Notebook



Baby, I know how sad you may be and I know it may be too much to ask you and your happiness to be strong now. But you are not alone. I am always by your side. My thoughts go with you wherever you are and whatever you do. So do not feel that you are experiencing this sadness alone or this difficulty is yours to bear alone. Your husband and lamb is by your side always.

So I am writing this today to paint you today's smile. That you are this most important person to me and that I think your happiness is stronger than all of this that is pulling you down. I know that deep inside we are bigger than all of this. Let hubby tell you a story of a lion. This lion was always ferocious in knowing what she wants from life. That she knew all the hidden secrets on how to enjoy life. She met a lamb and they were always happy and it was sunny all the time. There was a time when darkness visited and it made the lion sad.

Because she lived in the sun all the time and this darkness was draining whatever energy she had left. The lamb tried all he could and sought her heart. He knew that love was the only way to show her the light. She tried and tried but the darkness would not leave. This silly little lamb took her hand and walked as far as they could from the darkness. Bit by bit the light began to shine anew in the heart of the lion. The lion only needs to understand that the light in her will always shine and that darkness may haunt the moment but it is only a passing moment and the shadow will come to pass.

That the truth was that the light and happiness in her was too strong for simple darkness to hold back. That living in the moment was all the matters. The lamb carefully guided her as they slowly drew away and let their own light shine. Light will always be there. Happiness will always be there baby. I love you and I am here for you. Take my hand as you know I am always here doing all I can to make every second worthwhile for the two of us. To paint each happiness for us as we move along. To draw smiles on your face with every moment that has been given to me. I am always here and I will always love you.

Only You

Gena Rowlands (Allie Calhoun): Do you think our love can take us away together?
James Garner (Duke): I think our love can do anything we want it to

~ The Notebook



Dear Wife,

Am writing this to make you smile. That much I must admit. As simple as it may sound, I know it is not easy to make someone happy the rest of their lives. Actually, the question is not how hard or how easy but how much. That much I know. I know I want to paint smiles that come from me each day of our lives. I write this to let you know that your happiness comes naturally when I open my heart. When I let love fill all the gaps and holes, it just naturally spells YOU.

I want to tell you day by day how much my heart just opens itself and understands how beautiful the world is because of you. I see things now differently than a year ago. I understand more wiser, more patiently, the things around me and I see you in nearly every aspect of life. I understand how much it hurts you when I drive rough or curse on the road. I understand how much you mean to me when it rains, when its busy, or when I get too carried away at work and you appear. You tell me that it is okay, you are by my side and everything seems okay.

You asked me if I was nervous yesterday before the presentation. I was not. My hands only shook when it first touched yours. When I stood at the stars and we danced. When I looked at the sea in diving equipment for the first time. When I saw Tokyo with you for the first time. When I saw our son with you for the first time. And you were always there, to calm me and hold my hand and all these anticipation flows away and you enter. I think the only nervous moments are the really important ones except for when I proposed and when we were married. I was sure as I wrote my vows. That these were the only right things I was sure of in my life. But at the edge of every moment that was important because of you, I was nervous and you filled me with this confidence of love.

Today, I want you to know how much you mean to me everytime I close my eyes. I let all the noise in my head wash over me. All the chatter flow by me. And I listen. And I see. And I find you. Deep inside me. I love that feeling that you are my core and all that matters to me. I look and I see...You. I love you baby and today is beautiful because of you. I can't wait for the dishes you are preparing today and I know like each day carrying our child, it is a labour of love. This love that we share. I love you baby and am always with you.

Love,
Lambi

Simply when you are all the reasons

Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?
Buttercup: Well...you were dead.
Westley: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Westley: There will never be a need.

~ The Princess Bride (1987)



Today am taking these few moments to tell you how much you mean to me and how much you make today beautiful. I am not sure how much happiness you feel today but I am determined to make you the happiest I can be. It begins with a simple message on an ordinary day where you are the only unordinary thing. I wish I could compose you a thousand beautiful lines to paint this smile for you. But all I really want to do is to tell you I love you and that I believe is the most important.

I love you and every single second of today I would like to dedicate to you. To make you smile, I want to tell you this story. Of how a lamb starts a day not thinking of the pitch to come but how to make you smile. When he hears this song, this song that a lion always sings and hums for him. It set a smile in his and he SMSed his lion to let her know how important that song was when she hummed and sang it. That it, was the hope for love and the beginning of a new chapter. Everything nearly began from there. It kept the lion strong at one point in time and everytime the lamb hears it, it does stir some warmth imagining the lion singing it to him.

Today, I am worried about you coping with our little child. You will always have me and our son. I have tiny worries about how difficult all this small things are; your backache, you getting up at night and these changes to your body. But every small bump from our son takes it all away. That cheers me up to and soon we will be seeing him again as he approaches six months. We are on our final race to the end and I want you to know that I am here with you every step of the way. I am here with my hand holding yours. I am here to love and cherish you and our son all the days of our lives. Today, I am here as a husband, your man and your best friend to say it's okay, I understand what you're going through and I am here for you.

I love you baby and want you to know that I am excited with every line we write together and I miss you right now. Love from a lamb that bleats and baa-s for you. You are my reasons, you are all my reasons and I hope I am your single reason to smile today. Muacksss...

The Story of Love

[to Marlena]
Jacob Jankowski: You're a beautiful woman. You deserve a beautiful life.

~ Water for Elephants (2011)



I write this having a bad headache but I do not regret waking up to kiss you and hugging you to sleep. I must say that it has been really a lot of joy to see our son growing up and kicking and reaching out to us. I feel this small tremble under my hands and just wonder which part of him is responding. Trying to picture his face reacting to us shaking and poking him as he rests. Our son is so active and so strong inside you. It really makes me proud each time I feel our son move and reach out to us.

When I look at you now, I do wonder how foolish I have been. Simply ignoring the most beautiful woman in the world right next to me. That I would rather chase meaningless pursuits makes it seem all the more stupider. When I look at you and feel our son, I feel like the most lucky man on earth and that my life begins now. And that I get it even now, makes me feel good. About myself. And I know that you are everything to me, your happiness means everything to me.

That somehow in the deepest corner of my mind, I do still blame myself for all that has happened but I know that if anyone can change anything it has to be me. It has to be me filling us all with happiness and the energy that comes with it. I want to be this life that surrounds us. I want to be the man that brings us all together. I want to be the center of happiness for all three of us. And I want to take you places you never been before. To this happiness that I am writing for all of us. I love you so much baby. Taking this short time off to write this clears my head before I get back to work. I want to record how much you mean to me. And how much more you will all the days to come. I love you and miss you dearly. Hope to see you again soon. Smiling.

Lost on a Beautiful Day

Emma Morley: Whatever happens tomorrow, we had today. I'll always remember it.

~ One Day (2011)



Right now you're speeding away. Crying. Thinking of how unfair the entire world is. Of how much it all does not make sense. That how much you hate this life you are going through everyday. I'm here. Crying too. I just want you to know I still do not have hope. From the moment you became hurt and never put up our son's latest scans or simply not say a single word when I childishly talk to you about our son ahead and you are just silent. I know how it feels you being here and not here. I know how it must feel for you.

Maybe it was naive thinking that just being there for you every moment, loving you and just you seeing me around you, you would know that it's not over. It was just yesterday that were the best moments of our lives. Every weekend, I become afraid of moments like this, when all of a sudden nothing makes sense anymore. When you just lose it all and just can't keep it in. I wish I could just see you off and make you happy. Can you blame a man for wanting to fight for love? For happiness? Can you fault a man who wants to make the best of his life ahead. Or of a childish person just wanting to make you the happiest person only if you would let him?

I know you are hurt deep inside and each day I pray I could have done something with the day given to me to paint a smile for you. Lift under the cover of your external and wipe away a tear, plaster a scratch, search for the hurt and find the love to fill the gaping hole inside. Sometimes I wonder whether I know what I'm doing. I wonder if I understand at all why I want to put you through all this. I know what I'm holding onto but do you still remember? I sit sometimes at work thinking what more can a man do; in the midst of all this darkness to give you some light. I won't give up and I won't pretend moments like this don't grieve me. I know the hurt I caused you and maybe still continue to cause you everyday does not measure to this and what you are suffering is way worse than I can imagine.

I can't stay away from you. I can't pretend that I want to spend the rest of this life with you. I can't pretend that you are the best thing to ever happen to this lucky me. I can't let you go without fighting to make us both happy; to reach for the dreams ahead. I can only have today. I can only try to show you the same person you love is still here. Hurt may be there and all I can do is make you fall in love with me again. Past the hurt, past the pain, past me. I know you always tell me to let you go. Each word of that sentence hurts me, it makes tears drop and it makes me weak and lost.

On a beautiful day today, here I sit again. Lost. I just want to reach out to you but you won't let me. I want to tell you how much you mean to me. I want to heal you,I want to heal me. I want to save this. I want to do so many things. I want to move past this. I want to turn back time. I want to take all your pain so you feel none. I want you to smile because of me again.

It's been so long since I felt your warm smile on me again. It's been so cold since then, it's been so empty. It's been so worthless. Theres all this pain I wish I could just bear for us and I would be happy only to see you smile again. I need to do the right thing. I need to not make up for the pain but I need to make you happy again. Here if you ever read this, you would say that the only way to make you happy is to let you go. I need to never let you go. Not to cause you more hurt but to make you the happiest person I see in my eyes. I need to be happy with you again. To see the world with this colour of you again. To be truly alive and happy again. I need to have your love.

This silly me I guess would not let you go. This stupid me made a mistake that you say can not be reversed. Maybe you are right that you will never let this go. That with the current me and the past me, you will never be happy like you used to be. You do not believe that a man can change. I do not promise change. I promise the me. The real me. The man you fell in love with. All the days of our lives. I do not know why I faded so shortly after the happiest day of our lives. But I do want you to know that I have placed everything in this, our love. I will keep loving. This is all that is left to me. I hope today, tomorrow, or maybe a day that will never happen that I can somehow make you smile and be happy for the rest of our lives. Maybe this will never happen but I am here. You are here. We have now. Let me make our forever.

Sneaking in a little time

Edward Cullen: I can't read your mind. You have to tell me what you're thinking.
Isabella Swan: That I'm afraid.
Edward Cullen: Good.
Isabella Swan: I'm not afraid of you. I'm only afraid of losing you, like you're going to disappear.
Edward Cullen: You don't know how long I've waited for you.

~ Twilight(2008)



Sitting here at 9.30pm trying to sneak some time to let you know that I miss you. It's been a long and tiring day and I miss you so so much. Been thinking about you while I finish this presentation material. Taking a bit of a break to record down how I feel today and how much you mean to me. Been really busy these two days but you have been the main focus on my mind. Always. I love you baby and hope to always paint you smiles. You mean the world to me and I will always aspire to be the best thing that happens to you everyday. Oh one more thing bie, you were right. You were always right.

Smiles

Westley: Hear this now; I will always come for you.
Buttercup: But how can you be sure?
Westley: This is true love. You think this happens every day?

~ The Princess Bride (1987)



I still get butterflies even though I've seen you a hundred times. I wish I could have always told you that. But everytime I see you now when I open my eyes the first thing in the morning, I do get flutters in my stomach. And this anticipation of things to come. Of how I wonder tomorrow will be. Whether I would still have this privilege of waking up and seeing you right beside me.

I know you feel that most times that it is cold at night and more so when you are unsure about this man next to you. This man has always been sure, always been certain about his feelings for you and sure about you and who you mean to him. I wish that there would not be a need to write these words now. That these words could have been beautiful and of joy of waking up next to the most beautiful woman in the world. They still speak the same but only when you woke them up with sadness and with pain.

I wish it was different or there was a reason for the silence in the blog for 10 months. I wish it was not mistakes, memories made, or how bitter sweet this would taste. I wish that you know that I do believe that I will never find someone like you. I still know that I can bring you all the happiness in the world. To continue to write new chapters of us together that will only make you smile. Saying all this now seems really lame and late. But what I did was lame and late. But I still think I have today. I still think that somehow this me inside me is and has always been there.

You say that you love me more with each day with more sacrifice. With more understanding until the sadness broke you. I believe your every single word. I believe that I only have today. Today to make you smile. To somehow touch your heart. To tell you that there is love here that you will never find anywhere else, that you were right all along. That this man that you chose will be the man that you have dreamed of. That inside all the things that have passed, this love this man bears for you has never died. That the man may have been carried away or whittled with time but he lives and breathes for you.

My actions have died with the passing days these 10 months. Your heart and your soul has been giving and giving. I have been blind to all and think that I have somehow matched your love. I do not understand how or have a logical explanation why. I wish I could think of a clever and witty answer but my heart says this; that I will love you all the days of our lives. My heart tells me that this person you fell in love with, that has been there all along. And here I am. I promised this on my wedding day that I promise myself to you. You think that would mean the worse of me but there is the best of me to come. Trust that the one deep within me, is this person you fell in love with. I write this today, knowing somehow you came and stumbled on this. I write knowing that I have today. Today is beautiful. I love you. Always.

Dreaming the Possibilities

Jamie: [in English] It's my favorite time of day, driving you.
Aurelia: [in Portuguese] It's the saddest part of my day, leaving you.

~ Love Actually (2003)



Passing by another day and these pictures somehow make me smile today. It's been a long few hours and I'm getting tired. Thought it would be best to just get away and write for a while. These pictures made me dream of the possibilities ahead. Of the joys ahead.



I think I should make our son a real stormtrooper costumer one day so that we can troop around and have some fun doing silly things under the sun. Already I'm imagining us running around, fooling around and just being silly for all the care in the world. And I can imagine you running behind or just rolling your eyes at us saying, "Boys".





Just sitting here resting for a bit, I hope you are smiling and that everything is fine where you are. Been thinking about you and writing our story today just seems funny. I try to close my eyes and see you and it does bring some small measure of comfort. Like the quote from Love Actually, what really matters is that we are here now, in the moment, together, seeing the chance of possibilities.





Today's message like every other day is simple. I love you and you are beautiful. Enough said.

A Tale of Stars

[referring to the years he'd spent traveling]
Eisenheim: I always meant to return. I just...I kept thinking I'd find it around the next corner.
Sophie: What?
Eisenheim: A real mystery. I saw remarkable things, but the only mystery I never solved was why my heart couldn't let go of you.

~ The Illusionist (2006)




They say that in bright cities, we do not see the stars. Too many lights blinding, too many sounds that sometimes we don’t even look above. And even when we do remember to look for the stars, the lights around us blind us too much that we don’t see them. I know that’s how you feel at the moment, too many lights and sounds around you that you can’t even find the energy to look up. And when you do look at me, you don’t see the stars anymore. Not that I blame you when all the lights and sounds are those of unhappiness that I have created around you.

You asked me on how and what would I plan to do. I hope that somehow maybe today or the days ahead, you somehow will be able to look up. And maybe past all the lights and sounds, be able to see the stars in me. I do not think or deceive myself that you might not even look up. Or by some miracle be able to see the stars within me. I do not promise anything enormous or a huge change that will blow your mind or sweep you off your feet. I hope only that you see that the star that you fell in love with has been here all along. That in the deepest dark of night, the stars will shine for you. And when you do, you will see that it will shine for you for all the days to come.

I would like to write you a story that you might never read. But this story of a lamb and a lion happened in a galaxy far far away and in a time long long ago. There was a lion and a lamb. And there was a valley where they lived. They were there contented after many days of scouring and wandering and found this valley where they thought they would live happily ever after. There were many other fireflies that lived around the valley. Some would flock by and some would fly in from time to time. And with time, these fireflies began to grow in numbers. The lion and lamb passed the time and the lamb began to grow complacent and carried away with the good times.

The lion was wary and always watched her lamb. Never daring to grow complacent or idle, the lion always watched out for the fireflies. She grew wary as the light in the skies became dimmer with time. The lamb never saw how dim the stars were until the lion broke down one day and was enraged and sad that the lamb could not see anymore. Did not sit and watch the skies with her anymore and did not sometimes see her as the brightest star in the skies. She did not believe the lamb would see that way or would always see that way.

So begins the adventure of the lamb who has to:-
1. Show the lion that she has and will always be the brightest star in the skies
2. That fireflies do not change the lamb
3. That love is the only answer

Writing this journey everyday has not been easy. I do not know why or the reason. I do not hope in anything that may come. But I do know that this is the only thing that I can do everyday; to show you that love exists, it is the only answer and that you will always be my brightest star in my skies. During our wedding day, I promised you that my hand is sure and my hand is steady as I write this chapter for both of us called marriage. It has not all been perfect lines or the most beautiful of sentences. But each sentence that I write every moment hence has been about you and about us. About the possibilities, about the joy that is still there and about the countless other stars waiting for us. I love you baby, always have and always will do.

Finding You

[to Johnny]
Baby: Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.

~ Dirty Dancing (1987)



I'm sitting here near the end of the day, thinking how to make you smile. Painting you back these smiles that you used to have won't be easy but I know it is inside you to be happy again. I know that unhappiness around you unsettles you and it makes you uncomfortable. I would like to have an environment around you that gives you this peace to smile. So I decided to write you this short and sweet note of this simple message of how much do I miss you. How much I would like to be by your side to make you smile.

The most precious and valuable jewels you'll ever have around your neck are the arms of your soul mate. I hope being by your side and making you smile are the most precious treasure that you will come to find. I keep looking at my phone when I know I wont have a message from you. These are the times daily when I'm able to let my mind roam and also the times when I miss you but simply can't call you. I know you're busy trying to find your happiness and I hope to meet you soon, and make you smile.

We begin our weekend again and I'm just taking it day by day. I so want to paint you these jewels every moment. Want to be with you so much as I write this. Soon we will have a few days to just sit in and be together. I'm under no delusion that the storm has passed. Tomorrow I do not know what will happen or the things that can change but I know this is me now. You took the worst of me, I promise the best of me ahead.

All the love I have I want to give to you. I love you my lion.

Gathering Clouds

Daisy: Will you still love me when my skin grows old and saggy?
Benjamin Button: Will you still love me when I have acne? When I wet the bed? When I'm afraid of what's under the stairs?
Daisy: What...what are you thinking?
Benjamin Button: I was thinking how nothin' lasts and what a shame that is.
Daisy: Some things last.

~ The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)



Today I woke up thinking that it's early but it's going to be a beautiful day again. I could not imagine how wrong I was. That today, you would be awakening with more questions and doubts. I did not dare pray that you would have changed nor will I not admit that I did not see this coming one day or another. Just when it happens, as a human being, I can't help but still be emotional about it.

You asked me how would this continue that I would be hurt many times ahead and you wouldn't know when. You told me to go search my heart for what is important to me and to be honest to myself. That much I understood. If only I could hold you then when you said this and shout at you from the top to the bottom that you matter. That day when it all broke down, that I came face to face with myself and knew that you were the reason, the only thing I wanted. I looked inside me, this is what I want from my life:-

1. I want you
2. I want our child
3. I like to sit in the toilet and read sometimes and not be bothered
4. I like to play games sometimes to not think of things or to think of things. And I like you to call me in to bed or tell me it's too late. Because I like to come to bed being called by you. I like you to tell me that I'm going overboard and you want me by your side in bed
5. I like to be surprised by you as I can't decide what to do sometimes, just some thing that involves you but I'm not creative enough in those times and really trust you to design those times for us. Until the point, I became dependent, complacent and just carried over.
6. I like you to decide where to eat. Not because I don't know what to eat but I like to eat what makes you happy and try to understand why you like eating them
7. I like you to scold me and tell me where to park. Not because I don't know how to park but I like you fussing about me until lately it becomes clear that I irritate you by my silly questions about parking
8. I like to see certain movies but I do know you won't enjoy all movies so sometimes I like you to decide. Any movie is fine when I can touch you next to me and sit in a dark corner and share food and drink with you. And see you giggle or be afraid
9. I like to just laze around and take things easy. Sometimes when I look back and see how hard I took to get here, I become contented and lazy and that's why we are here today
10. I like to act like I know things. Because growing up I had to know everything with my world, my mom and everyone crumbling around me. That today I think I do know everything and become confident that I'm giving you everything you need. When I realise now that all I've been doing is enjoying the love that you have been giving me, that I have become spoiled by just wanting you to do everything for me.

11. I hate this Japan trip. Not because its the cause of where we are now. Although yes in some parts but I hate to reminded how stupid I was.
12. I hate that we are here now at this. That you would not even want to look at me. I hate that I am to blame for this. I hate that you would think it was all not worth it. That I caused you to feel that it's all for nothing. And most of all I hate for having caused you to doubt
13. I don't like your pessimism about life and that you believe it will all not work out. I don't blame you for thinking so but you are the happiest person I have ever met and I do not believe that I won't be able to make you happy the rest of your life.

Yes you make yourself happy, you allow yourself to smile. But I can make you smile without you controlling it and all you ever want to do is to smile. You asked me if I could keep taking this. I do not know how else to tell you that I brought us to this point and I want to make all things right. I want to be happy with you again. It may seem simple but I know the road there is hard and tough. I know there will be many doubts ahead. I write this, this talk I want to have with you. To tell you what you will not believe now, that I do know what I want and it is you.

You want me to go out there, to put myself out there and be honest about how I feel and about who I am as a person and what do I want. I have. I know. This finding you and you smiling with me as we grow old together. Sharing all we have. That is all I know in the end makes me truly happy. I have asked myself if I'm simply doing all this because we're here now and married but I know the real reason is the same reason why we got married in the first place. We found each other and that's important. We found each other to be happy. I want to stay there...

Sometimes I wish I could let you peek into my mind and my heart. Maybe then, you would know what I see. What is inside my mind in all things that I do.

Until the next time I write, I love you baby. I love you and I'm not sure that you would even want to read this tomorrow, or the day after. But I do know that if I do not write this down or show you how I've moved on from the days past, I will regret never fighting for you, fighting for what I believe will make me happy until the end of my days. Even if you decide to walk one day, I believe that I will have fought for happiness until that very day. Maybe yesterday there was a glimmer of hope and today more dark clouds blocking the sights, but I do know that today, I held your hand, kissed you on the cheek and for the briefest moment, you did smile.

Day by day

Reuben Feffer: Since we have been together I have felt more uncomfortable, out of place, embarrassed, and just physically sick then I have in my entire life. But I could not have gone through that, I could not have thrown up 19 times in 48 days if I was not in love with you.

Along Came Polly (2004)



I wake up everyday and I see you by my side. I think of the most beautiful thing to say to you. For when a man wakes up and opens his eyes to the most beautiful person in the world, sometimes words are not necessary and I blink them again refusing to get out of bed and I just stare. Sometimes I lose track of time and before I know it, I must leave or be really late. It's not elegant the way I kiss you goodbye sometimes and I fumble, keep coming back to kiss you the same way. The same feeble and weak ways to say that you mean the world to me and if I could choose, the only place I would be in the world is in those sheets next to you.

Holding you close, smelling you and your hair, planting kisses all over you and touching our son before I leave. I walk out slowly, heavy thoughts of you and our son. That sustains me as I encounter people I hate driving on the road and the challenges in the office. I walk each step with both of you holding my hands and my mind. I pass each moment, thinking what will I need to do to make both of you smile. I call you and I hear your voice and I lose all train of thought again. I message you and each reply I get back sends a tingle through my heart.

I sit and wonder sometimes how could I not have told you how much these all meant to me. Could today I dare place something in hope again? I dare not. I only wish to keep painting you smiles each moment I can. I close my eyes finishing this letter to you. And I picture you again turning in that way only you could as time freezes and the same music plays in my mind. I take a look at the time and know it will be soon that we meet again. That brings joy to me. That little bump in spirit at the end of a long day. I can't wait to see you and our son soon. You are my meaning and will always be. I love you, today, everyday and the days to come.

When you read this one day, I wonder how silly I would sound or if this post does not mean anything to you then. But deep inside, I place hope that you would smile, you would understand that you are the most important thing to me in this world, my sweet beautiful lion. I love you, I love you. Yes, I love you.

Squinting beyond the clouds

I'm mortified, petrified, stupefied by you.

~ A Beautiful Mind



They say that people measure the heart by so many ways. I choose to measure it by how much it still breathes of you. The weekend passed by in a glimpse of an eye and here we are still holding hands, though me clinging on more than us holding them in gentle embrace as in the past. But what's important is that we still are. Here we stand still in the middle of the storm and I just refuse to go on speculating what else is happening and what else will come up next. The only thing that I will allow myself now is perhaps knowing that we are still together.

I begin to understand now how much things were lost in between but just sitting by your side and looking at things, it's slowly coming back and I sensed that you felt it too. That little of bit of magic, that extra warmth in the touches, and the simple things that we have taken for granted. I know that from time to time I catch you wondering when this will last and what next. I see the worries in your eyes and they way you comfort yourself that you need to be always be prepared and always on your guard. I see it in the way you look at me, wondering how much is true and how much do you trust.

All I know is that we have now with our child. And I will take it one day at a time. I approach each day not with hope but with the certainty that I will be all you need, one day at a time. I must be honest that I do not know if everything will come back or if anything will change, but I do know that I have this moment to love you and cherish you and this gift of our child. I know that every boy wakes up to be a man. I'm not sure myself what kind of man I will be but it will be one centered on loving you and finding every joy in that with you until the end of our days.

I know how you say that saying is not doing. Here I am, doing things in my little ways. I close my eyes and do think back too from time to time and everyday I'm determined to make things better for us. I shut my eyes and I see you and this song that keeps playing; Lathika's theme that delivered you on our wedding day. I close them and I see you as how you should be. I know things can never go back but I know we can make it better. I know that there is this good in me that can paint back brighter smiles than you could ever wonder. I know I can do so much more than the past. I know I don't or can't do things that your friend's husbands can do. But I can do this, love you with all I am to be and all I have.

Today, I allowed myself to smile a little more, to walk with a spring in my step a bit to dare to dream a bit more. But more importantly, to be able to smile myself a bit more. I know the road ahead is long. I write this as my personal journal for you one day if it ever comes to it that you can smile as usual too. That you know what went through my mind during this period. Of how much your smile and love means to me. Of how much you mean to me. I love you baby and I hope to show you that I will love you all the days of our lives.

Aimless

They say that its always quiet before the storm. That there is this huge vacuum of everything and a giant silence. And in the middle of this gentle quiet, the clouds gather above while the molecules charge and fight and clash. And finding myself in this inner quiet in the bottom of all that is raging above, there is no calm, there is no quiet. Just when I had naively thought that there would be progress that we could at least talk, the storm announces that it is all over.

That nothing could salvage anything in between anymore. I wish I could shout now at the middle but the storm drowns everything out. I wish I could do something but the storm rages on. I wish I could always paint you smiles. I wish this was the start rather than the end.

I wish for many things but most of all I wish for you.