the first day...

When I saw you, I was afraid of meeting you.
When I met you, I was afraid of kissing you.
When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you.
Now that I love you, I'm afraid of losing you.

The Voice Of Love by Silard Somorjay (soundtrack) Movie: The Streets of Beijing



Where there is love, distance does not matter. Woke up on a quiet labour day later than usual. Was having bouts of waking up from time to time throughout the morning, trying to steal as much time as possible on the phone with her before the flight. Am still slightly lethargic but I have three full days to recuperate and rest which is tremendous rest time. Its the start of a three day break but the most important element is missing. The last thing that kept coming back to me before I shut my eyes was her telling me, or rather asking me how could I do this to her that I did not tell her things.

Somehow I managed to keep adding doubts and more questions for her at one time. Think shes still scared of being hurt which I totally understand but my heart wants to set her free from all the past and all the future question marks. Love is like throwing yourselves at each other. You do not know if the other will catch you but you trust that person will. Everytime you do, you always might get hurt. But the essence of love is the courage it takes to throw yourself and to believe. The strength of love is in the fact that you have dared to take the leapt. The beauty in love is when the other person catches you.

Its a Friday afternoon and Mr. Sun has not been as cruel as other days this week. Peeking in through the drawn curtains, he gives me inspiration when I'm typing this that hope always glimmers when you least look for it. That the light will shine through the darkness. There is so much to be afraid about but there is more to be hopeful and be thankful for. For when shes gone, I have a reason to wait for the coming days ahead. I have a reason to smile like an idiot when I think of her almost all the time. I have a purpose to continue to make my days happy until she gets back. Thinking back how different it was from the week she was in Tianjin.

Back then, waiting for her was mostly agony because we just got started and there was so much in between. But shes so beautiful, she makes my everyday beautiful. I wake up every morning wanting to make each day beautiful because of her. Does this mean that it stops when shes gone? Of course not. It means that I need to work harder to make it beautiful for her or else she will think that I'm taking a break. She makes my day beautiful and she left me her heart. She told me that. So how can I make her heart sad while shes gone?

Writing this blog post won't remove her doubts but loving her with all I have will. Writing this is not to make her happy or just to comfort her. But writing this is a promise that I will remove her doubts with time and with love. Its not easy but love is never easy. Its a great day so far. I've smiled today more than the entire week she was last gone. Todays beautiful and she definitely is beautiful.

PS. Bie, I'm missing u so so much. Monday can't come soon enough.

EJ says "I can do better..."

Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away

Hitch (Will Smith)



I think love and being in a relationship is similar. Its not how many heart beats that you have with her but rather how many breathes you share with her that steals your life away. Its not about how much you should be part of her life but rather, how much of this thing called happiness you can give to her. Its easy to demand to be number one in her life because you think shes number one in yours. If you love her, you do not need to demand and think you should always be number one. You need to step back and look at her. Money, everyone can find and work for. Precious stones any expert hand can make. Expensive stuff, many can afford to spend on lavishly. But what I can do for her, is be with her and achieve with her what matters most in her life.

Was at the petrol pump this morning and I was still early, a bit too early to call on her. Wanted to get the Star at the kiosk but something about the look of the attendant turned me off. Maybe it was the sun in my eyes or the annoyance at lining up to pay for so long, I'm not sure. But I wanted to wait for her this morning and to give her more time to rest. There are only a few things in this world that beats that extra few minutes in bed especially on a working day. Then she called, it was instantaneous and the sun creeping up that was so annoying became so beautiful. I could swear I heard birds chirping just around the hills. I was lifted into a musical and my day was a love story waiting to happen.

And thats how it is every morning only everyday it becomes so much more beautiful and the message beating in my heart becomes so much more powerful. Everyday, I get up open my eyes and repeat the same process of self discovery that I'm loving her more and more with each passing day. Shes been listening to me ramble a lot lately and we just got off msn. Wanted her to know that being with her, I knew I wouldn't always be number one. I mean, I told her I loved her because I really do eventhough I knew I would not always be number one in her facets of life. She lives with passion and love for so many things. People say love is about giving yourselves wholeheartedly to the other and I could not agree more. I love her knowing that at times and most times, I would need to take a backseat to her other passions.

She likes to dance and definitely wants to dive. I know these passions take up a lot of time that maybe we could be together with. But I understand that you do not demand these from her. You do not take away the passion from her life. From her friends who shape her to her family that cares for her, loving her means sharing all these with all of them. At these times, I will not be number one and I shouldn't be as well. Loving her means understanding and accepting these and yet love her more. Simple isn't it?

I wish I could give her a compass so that she can always find her way back to my heart when shes lost. That I could always be with her eventhough I can't possibly in all that she does. I do not need her to do better or to change. Because I fell in love with the her whos her. My love for her does not require all these. My love for her demands that she be number one in everything and thats what I will always do for her. I do hope for more time with her but only if it does not steal more slices of her heart. I would definitely like it if she smiles for me but I would be equally happy if shes happy because of others although in some stuff I do not understand why or what. I do not need to understand everything but I need to love her in everything which is also simple.

PS. Bie i do not need better because you're perfect.

taking a break

(Bob Marley) He had this idea. It was kind of a virologist idea. He believed that you could cure racism and hate — literally cure it, by injecting music and love into people's lives.

One day he was scheduled to perform at a peace rally, gunmen came to his house and shot him down. Two days later, he walked out on that stage and sang.

Somebody asked him "why" he said: "The people that are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off — how can I? — Light up the darkness.

Will Smith, I am Legend

Shes worried about me that I get tired and that slowly it will begin to show in the relationship. I'm not worried. Because the time given to me or rather us is never enough. I'm living by the day and I want to be here for her. Its never one way and it hurts more not to be there for her when shes thinking about me. How can I take a break when the heart can not rest from missing her? How can the mind rest when it can not stop leaving her? And how can the body stop when it is incapable of functioning without her? Its all about her.

Love starts the moment my eyes open in the morning and it ends when sleep touches. And in all the in between, there is nothing but love. There is a difference between being able to and not wanting to. Yes, there is a lifetime to spend with her but I do not want to waste a single second with her. It does not mean because I have a lifetime that I can take things for granted or more importantly I can not take her for granted. You do not rest from loving someone, you do not take shortcuts, you do not cheat, you do for every single moment realise and know how beautiful the things that she has done for you and you respect and treat her like your woman. I sit back sometimes and wonder, "How about the times that I could have done more but did not?" I could not live with that. I could not love her like that.

I would be worried for her the same if she did the things I did but I just want her to understand and believe that beneath it all, there is nothing more important than her and that shes number one. Always. No negotiation or compromise.

PS. Bie, youre a ten always.

being selfish

Ben Calder: So if you're scared, why do it?
Anna Foster: Because the things you're scared of are usually the most worthwhile.
Ben Calder: If I kiss you, do think they'll shoot me?
Anna Foster: No, but I will if you don't.



Chasing Liberty is a romantic comdey about a runaway US president's daughter, Anna Foster (Mandy Moore), who escapes to enjoy a romantic European trip with a stranger Ben Calder (Matthew Goode). Again, I kinda liked the quote although I have not seen the movie. I think that in life, you have to go beyond your normal fears, break your own rules and live life the way your heart tells you to. I think about that often and its difficult to put her in a position that she has to question her heart.

Now, how do I tell her honestly what do I want without being selfish? Been thinking about it and I can't get both or rather I can't be both. I don't want her to go anywhere but here. But wouldn't that make me selfish? I honestly feel so. But one part of my heart wants her to know how I feel. I am not good with conversations and I absolutely suck at explaining how I feel to people. I am smart in the things that do not matter but not in those that should be. So I write because thats the one thing I know how to do. Thats how I know I can let her know.

I know this much, that I want to be selfish with her but not suffocate her. I want to see her as much as possible without her getting blinded by me. I want to hold her hand but not hurt her. I want to look at her and she could look back and see how much I love her. I want to walk with her every step of the way but not drive her away. I want all the time in the world but still I want her to have her own space. I want her happy but not always because of me because there is so much in this world that is better and more beautiful than me. I want to love her for a lifetime and I definitely do not want her to go to Perth.

But as long as shes happy, it doesn't matter because I will be smiling to know that. And because of that, I'm telling her to go to Perth because she will always be number one. And I will smile because shes smiling.

PS. Bie, I wanted to anyway and you do not need to put that idea aside when you decided I was the one.