filling in the blanks

He was like an angel, you know? I never knew life could be like that. He was the one thing I followed through in my life, the one thing I didn't give up on. I was good at loving him.

~ The Untamed Heart



It's a Tuesday and I love you. I mean it. I mean it everyday. Tuesdays were created to love you F.Y.Y., my lion, my elf and my all. If there is a blank spot in my life, I believe that you were created to fill it. It seems that I am no longer needed to fill any gaps in yours. In fact, I am the pressure that you do not need and the presence that makes you upset. Because there is too much of me and I'm sad being the face that pressures you and upsets you. I'm sad being the face you don't want to look at.

So here I am going to give you what you want. I will stay away and I will not care about anything you tell me. Because you tell me different things everyday and don't care how I feel when you say you forgot what you tell me yesterday or what we agreed to. I will not wait anymore. I will not fight to find time for us anymore and I will not in your own words "sayang or care" about things around us and in between us so much anymore. And as you said, I hope you are happy. Maybe, just maybe because now you are finally free.

You have your friends, and anything else that keeps you excited and not bored and you have me, this selfish self centered person who needs to see you whenever I can also trying to also fit in. I am here fighting for time with you which it seems upsets you and pressures you because there is too much right now in your life. I don't want to fight for someone who doesn't want me to anymore. And I hope now you are smiling because you finally get what you want and you are now happy. You said I should be happy because I have a girlfriend who doesn't need me so much and I can do what I like. I like to see you smile so I will love you the way you want me to. All I want to do is love you and hope you are happy.

PS. There is no PS. I don't think there is one today.

After the rain

Burke: Cristina; I could promise to hold you, and to cherish you. I could promise to be there in sickness and in health. I could say 'til death do us part, but I won't. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. And I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic, I am not. I am sure. I am steady. And I know I am a heart man, take them apart, put them back together. I hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So this, I am sure. You are my partner, my lover, my very best friend. My heart, my heart, beats for you. And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this. I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands. I promise you, me.

~ Preston Burke, Grey's Anatomy Season Three



Baby, it's stormy today and we drove to the office together. I miss you. Although it's only been a few minutes since I last saw you but these short trip only made me miss you more. And it only made me think how nice it would be to be able to snuggle and cuddle in bed just a little while longer. Was thinking of what Burke said last night on DVD and it just seems so sweet but scripted. Was smiling when thinking back of you asking me if you would have to write your vows. Was grinning when you asked me what do I think of you. Let my words dance across paper to answer these.

Today, unlike Burke who got to mutter his wedding vows in an OR on the widescreen with scriptwriters, I would like to write my daily vows here. Baby, the only vow you might ever have to make is if you want to say how much this relationship means to you and what you would like to say about loving me. And you don't need a pen to write that down, all you need to do is just love me. So what do I think of you? When I see you baby, when I open my eyes and look at you, be it at the start of the day or in the treasure chest of my mind, all I see are two things.

I see in your eyes, eyes that only see me and everytime I look at those diamonds of yours, there's no two stars more beautiful in the universe. The second thing I see when you appear, is someone that I love and can't live without a lifetime. So what do I think when I see you? I see this perfect lady that I would like to trust with the most precious things I will ever have; my life, my time, my heart and my love. When I see you, I see this most beautiful lady, lion, elf, and baby of mine whose hands I will never let go.

I know it's a gloomy day and let me write this to maybe warm your heart in the midst of darkness of rain. Baby, I could promise to love you everyday of our lives, to always be by your side, to always make you happy and everything sweet under the sky until you die of diabetes. And like you always tell me, these are the words of sweet talkers that just talk and don't have anything to prove or they simply don't act. I am not a sweet talker, I am not someone who dreams words just to make you smile, I am a doer. I know who I see in you every second and I know what I will always know, that you're the one. I believe that I do not need to look anymore because I have found you or rather you found me. And I know I am a good person, it's not because I stay away from vices or bad company, but because I know right from wrong and I will always choose to do the right thing. And the right thing is not to continue to be with you even when I do not love you. But the right thing that I will always promise you is that I will always love you right not because I'm already with you but because I will never take you for granted. That I will always cherish every thing you do for me or not do for me, that I will spend every second loving you like every second is our last and in all good times and in bad, I always hold your hand and paint our forever. This I promise you, Linda Foo, that I will always love you because I am a man who believes in happily ever afters and in you being the one so there will never need to be a time that I will let go. So just love me.

PS. Bie, today the rain is gone and all is left are the brightest diamonds in my skies. I see you and I see perfection. I love you.

silly lamb sick lion

Bella Swan: I'm not afraid of you, I'm only afraid of losing you. I feel like you're gonna disappear.
Edward Cullen: You don't know how long I've waited for you. And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Bella Swan: What a stupid lamb.
Edward Cullen: What a sick, masochistic lion.

~ Twilight




Feeling really sleepy right now. Eyes barely being able to open. It's only a Tuesday but I'm already hoping that the weekend is here. Not so that I can see her more. Although there is some truth that I do want to spend more quality time with her, just being with her. But more so because I really want time to love her. Been really busy and have not been able to jot more for her each day. I really love you bie.

It must be stated that she likes Twilight, almost bordering on being in love with the movie and the book before I met her. And somehow, I ended up watching the same movie too. It's not really the movie, it was the time we spent enjoying the company of each other. That's really important, although I did enjoy it too :) the most important things are hard to explain, that's why it's called love.

Today, my baby's going to a photoshoot and I know she's going to look wonderful tonight. I don't need her to be wonderful though tonight, I need her to be rested and I need her to be safe in her sheets until morning. I wish I could always be her shoulder when she needs to lean on, that's why when I know she needs me now, I stand by her side as much as I can. I know she does not think stuff like this is important and maybe it will not touch her so much. But all that does not matter, what matters is, what do I do, what do we do with the time given to us. Even when I know she can't spend much time with me, I just want to be right here for her. That's the least I can do for her.

Baby, every second even when you're not physically present, I know you are near. I hope you feel the same too because my hand is always here waiting to hold yours. Smile for me baby, you're wonderful tonight.

PS. Bie, I love you. And if you ever need me, I'm right here for you.

I feel like dancing

Soul mates. It's extremely rare, but it exists. It's sort of like twin souls tuned into each other. It just so happened I found mine that looks just like you standing in front of me looking right at me now that I would give up heaven for you.

~ What Dreams May Come



Recording the final posts to a hundred seems a journey by itself. Have not really paid attention to the posts that I've written but only when my lion mentioned it did I bother to go back and count. It really doesn't feel or seem like I've written much for her. My heart simply speaks and my hands listen to it beat before it dances for her. Admitedly even at my best, the words I scribble and the symphony of phrases I can conjure can not match her elegance and beauty on the dance floor. But this simple dance is for her. And its a solo on a floor that echoes I love you baby the only way I know how to say it best.

Every turn or spin requires the dancer to focus on keeping his/her balance. This is achieved through focus and spotting. Other elements also include body alignment and placement of the arms. For the purposes of dancing Salsa, the dance steps borrow Focus and Spotting from other dances such as Jazz and Ballet. When I dance across the keyboard, the only thing I'm focused on is your smile and the only spotting is the mind and heart are one in saying that you will always know that I love you. The only thing I need to borrow is your heart and I will need it for a lifetime.

Spotting is applied when a dancer is turning solo or is caused to turn. Spotting is the act of causing your head and eyes to “start last” and “finish first” throughout the sequence of spins while keeping your body centered. What’s important about spotting is to learn how to “separate” the head from the body when turning. The effect of not spotting is dizziness. If I do not spot her clouds from far away, I end up more than dizzy. I need to always keep my head separated from my heart that is anxious about her all the time and to be calm enough to hold her hand when the whole world is falling apart around us.

Since the head is heavy, it needs to be controlled as the body spins or turns. At first, everyone feels the effect of dizziness. Since our eyes are like the lens on glasses and cameras, everyone will find themselves going out of focus and then back into focus. Eventually, people become more accustomed to focusing eyes and balancing the body to accomplish single or multiple turns. My head often gets carried away by silly thoughts and my eyes do not see the truth when I'm needed to. So I choose to be by her side and listen before any storm carries us away. As I walk more with her, I learn how best to love perfection in all the turns of this story called life.

The name "Salsa" is the Spanish word for sauce, which indicates (in American Spanish) a spicy flavor. Salsa as a dance for Salsa music was created by Spanish-speaking people from the Caribbean which mixes African and European dance influences through the music and dance fusions that are the roots of Salsa. The dance steps currently being danced to salsa music come from the sun, but were influenced by many other Cuban dances such as Mambo, Cha cha cha, Guaracha, Changüí, Palo Monte, Rumba, Abakuá, Comparsa and sometimes even Mozambique. Walking with you is the sharing of passion which is simply born from the infusion of emotions and the creativity born of expressing how important you are to me. We are the same but different enough to create our own unique journey through life so walk with me.

The basic step of all styles of salsa involves 3 weight changes (or steps) in each 4 beat measure. The beat on which one does not step might contain a tap or kick, or weight transfer may simply continue with the actual step not occurring until the next beat. Some individuals may insert an actual pause. One of the steps is a "break step" a little bit longer than the other two. Different styles of Salsa are often differentiated by the direction and timing of the break step ("on 1" or "on 2" for example). After 6 weight changes in 8 beats, the basic step cycle is complete. We have weight changes in our relationship too and it involves a lot of patience and understanding. I do not say that there won't be storms ahead waiting for us but we will walk this complete step cycle, so you need to trust me and give me your hand always.

As a salsa dancer changes weight the upper body remains level and nearly unaffected by the weight changes. Caught in the middle are the hips which end up moving quite a bit--the famous "Cuban hip movement." My steps follow you while my eyes are fixed on you, unable to move anywhere else. Caught in the middle is my heart which ends up being in a storm -- the famous "Beating only for a sealion".

In a salsa dance, the arms are used to communicate the lead in either open or closed position. In open position the two dancers hold one or both hands, especially for moves that involve turns, or putting arms behind the back, or moving around each other. In closed position, the leader puts the right hand on the follower's back, while the follower puts the left hand on the leader's shoulder. In life, we take turns leading each other, no matter what baby, just don't let go off me because a lamb needs a lion or it gets lost. I don't dance well or to put it in a more honest light, I can't dance at all but this one dance I will hold your hand for is this little dance called love. And its going to last a lifetime.

PS. Bie, dance this forever and ever with me. Dance with me to the beat of I Love You and hold me tight because the only dance of life we will have will be beautiful for our lifetime.

The Tuesday of no you

"This is it. Life will never be better, nor sweeter than this."

~ Keanu Reeves, Sweet November



I'm unbuckling my seatbelt and its the early afternoon sun that greeted me at the parking lot. Stepping out of my car, I just can't help thinking of you while starting on the long walk back to the office. You just got off the phone and theres no breeze. I've just had the opportunity to at least play a part in the life of another stranger I barely knew. I still remember just shaking his hand and wishing him luck. I might not see him ever again. His road is going to be long but if he has the right belief and enough determination, he will find his way. I looked at him, knowing how much it means to live your dream, to want something so much, to work so hard for something that only you can see. I'm missing you, "this thing" that I want so much, that I'm working so hard to be with for a lifetime.

I remember the joy that lit in Burn's eyes, this 14 year old orphan from Batam that wanted to be a pilot, from as early as when he was seven. He told my colleague this, that this was his first time on a plane and that he was scared. He was scared but he consoled himself that he needs to be brave at this high altitude in a plane because he was going to fly the lives of hundreds of people. This kid barely spoke English but he held a mountain of belief and passion that he believed he could make it a reality. I have the same eyes too when you appear or when I catch a glimpse of you. Walking back, those eyes I saw were a reminder of what I am not today when you're not around. I'm scared when you're not around. Not scared of losing you, but afraid that my life is passionless without you. Am not afraid of you not being around, but afraid of what I become when you are not around.

My legs shuffled past the eateries, dragging themselves as I think of what I'm missing when you're not around. Its the same shuffle I had when I was walking with Burn earlier into the simulator room. We walked into a taste of him trying what it feels like should he succeed. I walk the same walk, thinking of you. Theres simply no point walking back to office without you being around. That was honestly what I felt but I have a job to do and here I was being brave and trying to smile for you. I've been thinking. Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself, wanting to be lost again. There are times I have to be here and you have to be there, and the space between us is just too much. You don't know what you do to me. You don't have a clue. You can't tell what it's like to be me, looking at you everytime I close my eyes.

I stopped by to get that sparkling ribena that we both love so much but theres none in stock and just at that moment, you called back. I was waiting with my handphone in my hand. There was so much that I wanted to tell you that no words could tell. There was this missing you so much that I wanted to share with you, but no telephone conversation could ever pass the message on. So I ended up mumbling on the phone when all I wanted to do was hear you breathe.

Blinking my eyes at my laptop, typing this down, this is by no way a post that I'm pouring my sadness into. I was actually thinking of something cheerful to say like how you mentioned that theres a Chinese saying similar to the meaning that absence makes the heart grow fonder or something that sounded like small separations make us miss each other more. I think its true because the moment you stepped out of my sight, my heart was screaming I miss you and baby, I love you. This post is simply, my heart saying, without you I am lost.

Then you smsed me this, go search on youtube..'funeral TVC commercial' by yasmin ahmad..Luv u. I watched it and closed my eyes knowing how true it is. Like Burn, I have found what I want to do for a lifetime and what I will otherwise spend my life looking for. I only have this to say today. Baby, I love you and I'm smiling for you. Can't wait to see you again, the most beautiful imperfection of a sea lamb's life.

PS. Bie, I want to live in your eyes, die in your arms, and be buried in your heart. I miss you and have been thinking about you the whole day and I guess that what this means is that even today thats imperfect without you, because of you, this heart of a sea lamb beats only for you.

the right smile on a Tuesday

" Don’t say we aren't right for each other, the way I see it is… We aren't right for anyone else.”

~Cutting Edge



When I miss you, I listen to music or look at pictures of you. Not to remind me of you but to make me feel as if I’m with you. It makes me forget the distance and capture you. You are there, a few thousand miles away and the way I miss you should not be measured in miles or hours but it should be measured by how much my life is missing a whole part of it because of you.

Just remember baby, that somewhere there is someone that dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile. So when you are lonely, remember it’s true that someone somewhere is thinking of you. When you suddenly sneeze in the heat of Hangzhou, you should know that theres a fool thinking about you. If you think missing me is hard, then you should try missing you. Yes, I am a fool for you in so many ways. Yes, I have been accused by you of sweet talking you at the most unexpected times. But also yes, this is the whole truth, I love you berry berry much and I think about you all the time.

I've actually been writing this for the last thirty minutes, getting distracted and all that in between. Maybe its also difficult to write when you're not around. I find it hard to find meaningful words and challenging to build beautiful sentences. Like you, I too do not know how to smile. For there is none. But baby, we got to smile. Simply because we have each other. You are on foreign ground in a place some say is the most beautiful in China. Let me be the reason why you should be smiling today because you definitely are mine. Smile because we are still walking this path even a few thousand miles apart. Smile because it hurts when we can not see each other and when we both mean so much to each other. Smile baby because I love you and you know its true.

This morning started gloomy, the cars zipped by because its the school holidays and traffic in notorious Cheras is surprisingly taking a break. Maybe the traffic gods have mercy on me, and decided not to add to my sadness when you're away. There were no chirping birds or open skies though, maybe I wasn't paying enough attention. I sat in bumblebee today and felt a slow tingle of cold up my spine. I could imagine your hand on my gear changing them as I hit my clutch. I would look to you and you would smile. Today I spent five minutes looking at where you would sit. I could almost touch you baby. And for the first time today baby, I smiled.

PS. Bie, even when there are no reasons, let me be all your reasons to smile. Luv you and let it last a lifetime because I will always smile for you like you will for me.