~ Cinderella Man
Murphy's Law says this: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. Because man believes that things out of their reach, they can't be bothered with because they are believed to be beyond grasps and logic to understand much less control. But things that are within their reach, is attainable, can be doubted, can be altered, can be achieved. Strange. But how true. We believe that we hold our own fate in our own hands.
But how about things that are not within our reach and not possibly attainable? If theres magic in diving with her is the magic of fighting battles beyond endurance, beyond all the things playing in my head, cuts, bruises and the fear that tells me to give up. It's the magic of risking all that I have for something that nobody sees but her and me. I wish I could write a better story to show how much this means or for the fact, to find the right words at this moment to describe how much this means to the both of us.
At times I think being with EvilJanet is very much like boxing and diving.
In boxing facing all four corners, a boxer looks around and see the straps of ropes surrounding the ring. He sees the fearsome opponent not even giving him a chance or mercy. I look at myself looking up against the odds and I tell myself that nobody will give me a chance. There is always doubt, I look into my diving instructor's eyes and I see doubt. I started meeting her and there was a lot of doubt. But most times, her eyes and just her being around is all the motivation I need to stand back up. Her love pulls me back up everytime and whispers to me don't give up now because I'm not giving up so don't you dare give up.
In a boxing ring, you need to evade the hits and shots. In diving, you need to be aware of the rules and safety while still controlling your fear. In my life, I need to always be by her side always anticipating when I will not be number one. The worse thing is, its never her fault. So what do I say to her, I hide and tell myself that its okay she loves me but at that moment, I do feel all alone. Like I'm not needed. I do not know how to appear before her. All I want to do is grab her and tell her "Look at me. I love you so look at me please". But I can't so I step away for a moment. The problem is, she thinks I'm leaving her behind alone too. So I do ask myself, what can I do to make it better.
Sometimes, you need to take hits. Its unavoidable in the ring. You need to stand back up. Thats what counts. I've swallowed water countless times in the pool and you see me standing back up. Its all because of her. I see her all the time. I've adjusted so much to suit her. She doesn't know how much she hurts me when she doesn't tell me things. For one second, I'm talking to her and the other, I do not know where she is. One minute, I might be talking to her to find out shes doing something else all along. Sometimes, I find out too late about what she wants and what shes doing. Does she know I feel empty and am missing her?
But most of all, I'm writing this today to say; I'm here baby. I know the road is difficult. I have never asked you to change because I'm also trying to adapt to you while handling all these emotions. I don't tell you because you don't need to be bothered by how I feel. You are already tired as it is handling people around you. I do not ask to be your number one always because for you, its impossible and I don't need to be. I do not ask for anything except love me baby. Its two more days to Tioman and I really am here with you holding your hand doing this so just hold tight and don't do anything else. You don't need to touch the "wet paint" of my heart to know, I love you baby.
PS. Bie, this is our cinderella story. Against all the odds, I'm going to walk this journey called life with you and when we're done you can throw all your lion temper and tantrums you want. But for now, hold my hand. We're going to be certified.
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