the first day...

When I saw you, I was afraid of meeting you.
When I met you, I was afraid of kissing you.
When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you.
Now that I love you, I'm afraid of losing you.

The Voice Of Love by Silard Somorjay (soundtrack) Movie: The Streets of Beijing



Where there is love, distance does not matter. Woke up on a quiet labour day later than usual. Was having bouts of waking up from time to time throughout the morning, trying to steal as much time as possible on the phone with her before the flight. Am still slightly lethargic but I have three full days to recuperate and rest which is tremendous rest time. Its the start of a three day break but the most important element is missing. The last thing that kept coming back to me before I shut my eyes was her telling me, or rather asking me how could I do this to her that I did not tell her things.

Somehow I managed to keep adding doubts and more questions for her at one time. Think shes still scared of being hurt which I totally understand but my heart wants to set her free from all the past and all the future question marks. Love is like throwing yourselves at each other. You do not know if the other will catch you but you trust that person will. Everytime you do, you always might get hurt. But the essence of love is the courage it takes to throw yourself and to believe. The strength of love is in the fact that you have dared to take the leapt. The beauty in love is when the other person catches you.

Its a Friday afternoon and Mr. Sun has not been as cruel as other days this week. Peeking in through the drawn curtains, he gives me inspiration when I'm typing this that hope always glimmers when you least look for it. That the light will shine through the darkness. There is so much to be afraid about but there is more to be hopeful and be thankful for. For when shes gone, I have a reason to wait for the coming days ahead. I have a reason to smile like an idiot when I think of her almost all the time. I have a purpose to continue to make my days happy until she gets back. Thinking back how different it was from the week she was in Tianjin.

Back then, waiting for her was mostly agony because we just got started and there was so much in between. But shes so beautiful, she makes my everyday beautiful. I wake up every morning wanting to make each day beautiful because of her. Does this mean that it stops when shes gone? Of course not. It means that I need to work harder to make it beautiful for her or else she will think that I'm taking a break. She makes my day beautiful and she left me her heart. She told me that. So how can I make her heart sad while shes gone?

Writing this blog post won't remove her doubts but loving her with all I have will. Writing this is not to make her happy or just to comfort her. But writing this is a promise that I will remove her doubts with time and with love. Its not easy but love is never easy. Its a great day so far. I've smiled today more than the entire week she was last gone. Todays beautiful and she definitely is beautiful.

PS. Bie, I'm missing u so so much. Monday can't come soon enough.

EJ says "I can do better..."

Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away

Hitch (Will Smith)



I think love and being in a relationship is similar. Its not how many heart beats that you have with her but rather how many breathes you share with her that steals your life away. Its not about how much you should be part of her life but rather, how much of this thing called happiness you can give to her. Its easy to demand to be number one in her life because you think shes number one in yours. If you love her, you do not need to demand and think you should always be number one. You need to step back and look at her. Money, everyone can find and work for. Precious stones any expert hand can make. Expensive stuff, many can afford to spend on lavishly. But what I can do for her, is be with her and achieve with her what matters most in her life.

Was at the petrol pump this morning and I was still early, a bit too early to call on her. Wanted to get the Star at the kiosk but something about the look of the attendant turned me off. Maybe it was the sun in my eyes or the annoyance at lining up to pay for so long, I'm not sure. But I wanted to wait for her this morning and to give her more time to rest. There are only a few things in this world that beats that extra few minutes in bed especially on a working day. Then she called, it was instantaneous and the sun creeping up that was so annoying became so beautiful. I could swear I heard birds chirping just around the hills. I was lifted into a musical and my day was a love story waiting to happen.

And thats how it is every morning only everyday it becomes so much more beautiful and the message beating in my heart becomes so much more powerful. Everyday, I get up open my eyes and repeat the same process of self discovery that I'm loving her more and more with each passing day. Shes been listening to me ramble a lot lately and we just got off msn. Wanted her to know that being with her, I knew I wouldn't always be number one. I mean, I told her I loved her because I really do eventhough I knew I would not always be number one in her facets of life. She lives with passion and love for so many things. People say love is about giving yourselves wholeheartedly to the other and I could not agree more. I love her knowing that at times and most times, I would need to take a backseat to her other passions.

She likes to dance and definitely wants to dive. I know these passions take up a lot of time that maybe we could be together with. But I understand that you do not demand these from her. You do not take away the passion from her life. From her friends who shape her to her family that cares for her, loving her means sharing all these with all of them. At these times, I will not be number one and I shouldn't be as well. Loving her means understanding and accepting these and yet love her more. Simple isn't it?

I wish I could give her a compass so that she can always find her way back to my heart when shes lost. That I could always be with her eventhough I can't possibly in all that she does. I do not need her to do better or to change. Because I fell in love with the her whos her. My love for her does not require all these. My love for her demands that she be number one in everything and thats what I will always do for her. I do hope for more time with her but only if it does not steal more slices of her heart. I would definitely like it if she smiles for me but I would be equally happy if shes happy because of others although in some stuff I do not understand why or what. I do not need to understand everything but I need to love her in everything which is also simple.

PS. Bie i do not need better because you're perfect.

taking a break

(Bob Marley) He had this idea. It was kind of a virologist idea. He believed that you could cure racism and hate — literally cure it, by injecting music and love into people's lives.

One day he was scheduled to perform at a peace rally, gunmen came to his house and shot him down. Two days later, he walked out on that stage and sang.

Somebody asked him "why" he said: "The people that are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off — how can I? — Light up the darkness.

Will Smith, I am Legend

Shes worried about me that I get tired and that slowly it will begin to show in the relationship. I'm not worried. Because the time given to me or rather us is never enough. I'm living by the day and I want to be here for her. Its never one way and it hurts more not to be there for her when shes thinking about me. How can I take a break when the heart can not rest from missing her? How can the mind rest when it can not stop leaving her? And how can the body stop when it is incapable of functioning without her? Its all about her.

Love starts the moment my eyes open in the morning and it ends when sleep touches. And in all the in between, there is nothing but love. There is a difference between being able to and not wanting to. Yes, there is a lifetime to spend with her but I do not want to waste a single second with her. It does not mean because I have a lifetime that I can take things for granted or more importantly I can not take her for granted. You do not rest from loving someone, you do not take shortcuts, you do not cheat, you do for every single moment realise and know how beautiful the things that she has done for you and you respect and treat her like your woman. I sit back sometimes and wonder, "How about the times that I could have done more but did not?" I could not live with that. I could not love her like that.

I would be worried for her the same if she did the things I did but I just want her to understand and believe that beneath it all, there is nothing more important than her and that shes number one. Always. No negotiation or compromise.

PS. Bie, youre a ten always.

being selfish

Ben Calder: So if you're scared, why do it?
Anna Foster: Because the things you're scared of are usually the most worthwhile.
Ben Calder: If I kiss you, do think they'll shoot me?
Anna Foster: No, but I will if you don't.



Chasing Liberty is a romantic comdey about a runaway US president's daughter, Anna Foster (Mandy Moore), who escapes to enjoy a romantic European trip with a stranger Ben Calder (Matthew Goode). Again, I kinda liked the quote although I have not seen the movie. I think that in life, you have to go beyond your normal fears, break your own rules and live life the way your heart tells you to. I think about that often and its difficult to put her in a position that she has to question her heart.

Now, how do I tell her honestly what do I want without being selfish? Been thinking about it and I can't get both or rather I can't be both. I don't want her to go anywhere but here. But wouldn't that make me selfish? I honestly feel so. But one part of my heart wants her to know how I feel. I am not good with conversations and I absolutely suck at explaining how I feel to people. I am smart in the things that do not matter but not in those that should be. So I write because thats the one thing I know how to do. Thats how I know I can let her know.

I know this much, that I want to be selfish with her but not suffocate her. I want to see her as much as possible without her getting blinded by me. I want to hold her hand but not hurt her. I want to look at her and she could look back and see how much I love her. I want to walk with her every step of the way but not drive her away. I want all the time in the world but still I want her to have her own space. I want her happy but not always because of me because there is so much in this world that is better and more beautiful than me. I want to love her for a lifetime and I definitely do not want her to go to Perth.

But as long as shes happy, it doesn't matter because I will be smiling to know that. And because of that, I'm telling her to go to Perth because she will always be number one. And I will smile because shes smiling.

PS. Bie, I wanted to anyway and you do not need to put that idea aside when you decided I was the one.

time

Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times; but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.



Was driving down the narrow lane into the traffic congestion this morning past the old row of shophouses as usual when a blue car darted out from the side. Taken aback, I let it pass and with most cars usually having bumper stickers nowadays, this one said "Prince & Princess On Board". Chuckling or rather displaying my evil smirk, I further saw the lady at the wheel waving her tissue goodbye to the wind before quickly winding up the rear window. Wow, that's some way to be a princess. And that moment that lasted for 5 seconds was the only period of time the entire morning until this very second that I did not think about her.

Every other second was occupied with her and her alone. I finally figured out that its not a question of time either. Spent the whole day with her but the moment I stepped outside her house, I felt this tight feeling in my chest that things were not okay at all. Steping into my car as I saw her wave goodbye before disappearing still hurts the same and the funny thing is that I'm missing her more than ever. I do not know the answer to why is that so. But what I do know is that it has continued into today until this moment of typing and its getting worse by the minute. May is calling and its going to be a trying month I feel for both of us.

But again since that is something I can not control, I would rather spend the time that has ben given to me to love her with all I have. So many things could happen that could have made missing her worse or even be so caught up in the pain of missing her that everything turns sad. I would rather smile than be sad because of her because she would wish the same for me too. Her memories will keep me happy in the days to come. I think I can decide either to make everyday happy or sad because of her and thats what I thought of this morning and what I will be thinking of in the days to come. I would like to be selfish but I would not be as happy as I could be. I would like to be one who tells her how everything should be done but thats not me. What I want to do and should do is I want to be here for her, always.

Ps. Bie, I think it will last a year or more and you'll always be number one....

think less love more

Carter Chambers: What are you going to do before you die?
Edward Cole: Kiss the most beautiful girl in the world.
Carter Chambers: How are you going to do that?
Edward Cole: Volume!

Bucket List is a beautiful movie about two men, Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, two of my favourite actors, who go on a three month journey before they die. They do what they felt they need to do and they made the last three months the most meaningful of their lives. They confront the truth in themselves and they understand at the end that life is beautiful and that three months living with life in all honesty set them free. Before they know it, they made a difference in each other.

I've been giulty of a lot of nonsensical thoughts lately and I think I've been approaching the whole issue from a wrong perspective thats been upsetting both of us. I've been giulty of thinking too much and doing a lot less loving. Bie, I'm sorry and I need to make it official. I think its important to live the moment and at times, I let the moment get the better of me. Then I forget to love her wholeheartedly and make her lost as well. And its painful for both of us. I think its important to confess that we simply can not waste more time on the not necessary and start living every moment with the necessary. I need to listen more. I must love her more.

Love lasts so long because we are gradually learning more and more about the initial personality that one fell in love with at first sight, or came to fall in love over time. And we are continually falling/rising in love with the growing and evolving person that shares our life with us. The question is, how much time will love give me. My heart desires a lifetime and I hope she does to tomorrow, next week, next month, a lifetime. All I need to do is love her forever. Which is simple.

PS. Baby, todays beautiful because of you. Did I tell you that you're the most beautiful woman of my life today?

staying together forever?

Frank Beardsley: "It's giving life that counts. Until you're ready for it, all the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won't keep it turning. Life isn't a love-in, it's the dishes, and the orthodontist, and the shoe repairman, and ground round instead of roast beef. And I'll tell you something else. It isn't going to bed with a man that proves you're in love with him, it's waking up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful, everyday world with him that counts."

I actually haven't seen this movie but thought this quote is pretty right on and decided to post it after reading the synopsis of it online. I was intrigued by the quote but do not know if the movie is worth watching. Just sitting here wondering how to make Evil Janet fall in love with me again today when I stumbled across the synopsis which is interesting reading on a Friday leave day.

Yours, mine and ours is about a reunion of high school sweethearts Frank Beardsley (Dennis Quaid who I think is a decent actor) and Helen North nee White who are reunited when Frank and his family move back to his home town of New London. They are instantly attracted to each other and quickly decide to marry. They recognise and accept the fact that he already has eight children from his first marriage, and she has ten from her first marriage, hers a mixture of her own born and a rainbow of adopted children.

Frank is an Admiral with the Coast Guard and is very disciplined about life and strict on how things should be done, whereas she is a free spirit - she is a designer by trade - with a more lackadaisical attitude. Their respective children, who are a mirror of their parent's views, hate each other. They however feel that they can get out of their new situation by joining forces to show their parents their respective differences about life.

I think EJ and myself came with a lot of previous baggage that we have somehow got over but rather hurt in that attempt similar to Frank and Helen that carried their own baggage. They're different enough, although not from different planets but different enough as individuals as people. Sometimes and I think in the future, we will think we are different enough as individuals because of our upbringing but its not that, that counts. Its like Frank said, love binds people together, to get through the tough times where you question and doubt.

I do not think everything will be smooth sailing but I believe that with EJ, we will still be holding hands. Love is not about bringing the perfect couple together. Its about as always seeing the perfect in being together. Because we've been burnt too much to know what it takes to stay together for a lifetime. And because she cares, I care and we both care and want to take this to the next level. Its easy to say this in the so-called 'honeymoon' period but time goes by and somehow everyday, I find myself loving her more and more. I just can not explain how or why but I think with her, I found my forever in her eyes. Because one day, the hair will lose its luster, the eyes will fail, the teeth will fall, the skin will wrinkle but my hand will still be holding hers.

PS. Baby, stop asking me whether I'm sure or not. Because I sure as hell am sure.

when it only makes it stronger

"For June who loved this garden from Joseph who always sat beside her." Some people do spend their whole lives together.

Julia Roberts in the movie, Notting Hill



One minute you're wondering what went wrong and the other you're suddenly stepping back into the light. One minute, you're wondering how to find redemption and the other you're only thinking of forever.

The only answer to get unconfused is to believe. To believe in what matters most that you can trust her with everything thats important, from your heart, to your feelings, to your thoughts, to your everything. After I wrote the latest post, I took a step back and glanced at her. She was right there smiling back at me. I wrote what I thought I was confused about. When all along, she was right there smiling at how silly I was. I guess thats what happens when you are lost in love.

I woke up loved her more than yesterday and like every other day wanted to make this world beautiful because of her. You learn to read more about her and not to worry too much. You learn that after all, you are the most important to her. To the world, nothing else matters. All you need to do is believe and love. Quite simple really. Thats why I can't help but continue to love you more with each passing second.

PS. Bie, i still want you to be my chef in the kitchen, my whore in the bedroom and be the teacher to my kids. Sorry for stealing the line though.

confused

You're there sleeping and I'm here suddenly wide awake. I still don't understand what you're telling me. I just heard you're going for a fashion show. Thats absolutely fine with me if you want to go and have fun. Just wondering that if you wanted to go why did you only have to tell me at the last moment only when you had to? Why tell me at the last possible moment when you alreay made up your mind so much earlier?

I actually asked Evil Janet out tomorrow. I really do miss her but now shes telling me shes going out with friends even if she misses me. And the answer was that she did not want to tire me out. How about her getting tired out?

I think I'm confused. Seriously confused. Just wanted to tell her this but shes too tired to listen. I'm too confused to sleep. Think better just to lie in bed.

But you know what, &%^$ what I'm thinking or what I'm confused about. As long as Evil Janet's happy. Thats all that matters and I think too much anyways. As long as she smiles. Nothing else matters. For real. Think its just believing in her and trusting in her with everything.

Why the %$&* isn't tomorrow Sunday?

bare truth

Shaggy (Cabeleira): Hey, Berenice. Listen, I've got something real important to say. Tell me, you ever heard of love at first sight?
Berenice: Sure, but bums don't fall in love, they just get horny.
Shaggy: C'mon, you cut everything I say to pieces.
Berenice: Bums don't talk, they just smooth talk.
Shaggy: Jesus, I'm gonna stop wasting my saliva on you, you sure ain't easy.
Berenice: Bums never stop, they just take a break.
Shaggy: Jeez, Berenice, talking about love with you is pretty complicated, isn't it?
Berenice: Love, you gotta be kidding. You're just leading me on.
Shaggy: But it's just that this jerk here loves you.

Been thinking how to write this. Been thinking of how to write it to make her feel better and how to show her I'm happy for her with these changes. But its ridiculous and the only thing I can do is write the truth. It hurts and I'm not sure if its me more or her more because it does not matter. Its not something you can take positive thoughts from because there is nothing positive from not seeing her. I miss you more but thats expected. I can't stop thinking of you but thats normal. I feel like something got taken away and I can't do anything about it and thats painful.

So where am I actually? I never left. The answers right there or rather right here with you.

Russell Crowe as John Nash in "A Beautiful Mind" said, "I've made the most important discovery of my life. It's only in the mysterious equation of love that any logical reasons can be found. I'm only here tonight because of you. You're the only reason I am... You are all my reasons."

the definition

Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. There are three things that last faith, hope and love, and love is the greatest of these.

The Bible, 1 Corinthians 13:4 - 8

I think its easy to get confused when you're deep in a relationship. So many conflicts happen, like where do you place your feelings and your heart. People say that when you're in a relationship, all that matters is the other soulmate. I do not think so, because although the other person should be your world, you should never demand that her world be only you. Thats not life. Life is to share in hers not make her life only about you. Her friends, her likes, dislikes, her family, you need to understand and accept.

People get easily confused that when you are in a relationship, you need to dump everything and make the other the focus of all your attention but this is simply false. When I look at Evil Janet, I realise that its her family, her friends, her likes and her dislikes that make her the way she is. I could never ask her to seperated or change from all these because all these make her who she is. I love her for who she is and all these make up who she is. I think of that quote from the Bible often. Before deciding on our relationship, I sat back and discussed with myself intensely if I can commit to these ideals that I can believe in these values with her in mind. And I said yes.

To be in love, is to be kind because love is beautiful not only to her and those around her but your world becomes beautiful because of her. It is never jealous because I know that I'm always on her mind no matter who shes with or where she is. Love is never boastful or conceited because there is simply no winning or losing in a relationship, it is about giving yourself to each other. It is never rude or selfish because love demands that you respect her as a proper human what more the one you want to spend your life with. It does not take offense and is not resentful because love is forgiving in every way. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth because the truth will set you free and lies only cloud what goes in between. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes because thats simply what love is. There are three things that last faith, hope and love, and love is the greatest of these. And I hope our love will last. I will be satisfied with a lifetime or an eternity.

two weeks

"Its going to be two weeks"

"What???"

I think clouds are really beautiful. When you look up at the skies at the break of dawn, at the moment when the sun peeks out from behind the clouds, you can see whatever you want. Every morning driving by the darkness and looking up at the light, I see her. Every morning. And its beautiful. Both the sky and of course her I mean. Its a moment of peace before the start of day and a moment of clarity to begin the day. I end up always sitting back and thinking todays going to be a wonderful day because of her and because the world is beautiful with her.

Sometimes I drive by in the rain. But the rain always passes and the sun always peeks back. And in those rainy days, I see rainbows. I saw two once which was simply amazing. I woke up today, and saw her. Only this time, its more serene and calm. Got up today and embraced the reality that it was still two weeks away. I 'got up' and realised that I'd rather be smiling every second for two weeks then be caught up with nonsensical thoughts. Dialled her number again, and fell in love all over again.

I tell her everyday that I want to make her fall in love with me over and over again. I think its actually me that keeps falling in love head over heels with her everyday. Its just automatic and happens on its own. Maybe, its just me that wants her to feel that way but her eyes tell me that shes the same. La vita e bella, life is beautiful. Caught a glimpse of the clouds and sky on the way walking from the carpark again, and you know what, shes the most beautiful girl a guy could ever ask for.



Kat Stratford (Julia Stiles):

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big, dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick — It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh — Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around. And the fact that you don't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you — Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

twitter

Its a great weather for a Sunday to simply laze and just relax. Went for a farewell get together on Friday night which is always a good excuse for a good night out on most nights. Found out from the departing colleague that there were other people in the office (herself included) that were stalking my twitter as well without me knowing which is surprising. I mean, who would want to be bothered with what I have to say? My Twit account is currently being fully utilised to convey messages to a certain someone prowling my blog and social media channels.

I think Twitter is being overrated as its not the only successful tool. Yes, it is definitely up there for short blurbs but does not convey the full tone of the message that you want to get across. As a stand alone, Twit is like a one legged marathon runner. You can only get so far with it. Or more like a picture without substance. Its nice but it doesn't fully deliver what the picture means.

Been tinkering with it a bit in how AirAsia will fully utilise this tool in reaching out to our guest base. I think we need to extend the role of Twitter beyond just marketing campaign announcements and the usual tix giveaways that other airlines and other companies are doing. There must be more creative ways in engaging the audiences hence the two account strategy for AirAsia. One using AirAsiaDotCom and the other, the AirAsiaBlog channel. I think is important to have separate voices to address the different niches. Again, this is broad strategy. Where do we go from here?

We know the obvious that its important to get the strategy clear before integrating these with the other tools like facebook and the blogs for instance. Don't believe any company has been daring enough to use coordinated efforts across all their social media platforms but AirAsia is definitely in a strong position to reach out in synergies with all our platforms. Which is both exciting when we are bold and daring enough to think out of the box. Think the days ahead for social media in AirAsia will definitely be interesting as we seek to go where no organisation or individual has gone before.

On a lighter note, my baby is finally on twitter which is fantastic (if shes still into it after a while :P). I think its evident that new fads will come and go but its simply amazing that the new age media keeps giving me more tools to be creative in my life and in getting what I want to say out there and more importantly, straight to her heart.

PS. Baby, don't ever let them take away your comp and your handphone...ever....

smart

I've lived 25 years on planet earth and have had my share of spotlight where people have said I was smart and I could do anything under the sky. There was a point when I was in Sime Darby, where my path was set to fame and fortune. And as 'smart' as they have called me, I called it quits on everything. From the corporate lifestyle of whos who to the great potential that it carried. All I had to do was walk the chosen path with a silver spoon in my mouth and be contented, and I said no.

I still remember the day when I quit, one of my closest friends that I trusted pulled me aside and told me, that I was the smartest of the lot. Despite all being surrounded by all the illusions, I was never fake enough or foolish enough to fall in love with the materials that will disappear. Because I knew what the most important treasure in the world was. And that despite all the financial knowledge, lure of power and the frantic pace of the material world, I knew that the most important things in life were not things. She said that perhaps all the things in life have not corrupted me yet and the greatest wisdom is to not answer to what the world wants but what I want. And I left with a measure of truth and peace to look for what I wanted in life.

I left on my own terms and left knowing what my heart wanted. The greatest treasure is a piece of happiness that you can not buy, and love that you can not ask for. In life, I figured out that the best treasures lay not in how short these material gains can make you. Sure, it empowers you and gives you an illusion that you have what people covet and desire. But, what is it that I want? I want to be ten years, twenty years, fifty years down the road living in a family of love. To be passionate and believe in everything that I do and live in. To live without the "fake" stuff that does not last. Why settle for the temporary and not the real things that will be with you until the end?

I think I found my treasures now, having what I need and what I will need for a lifetime. A job I am passionate about and have the freedom to express my thoughts and make a positive difference and of course true love thats absolutely the most beautiful thing that you can hope but might never find. Todays going to be a great Saturday because I still love you and Evil Janet still loves me back.

The suns calling and lifes simply perfect.

PS. Baby, thinking about you every second.

Never saying sorry

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Ali MacGraw (Jennifer Cavalieri) in Love Story (1970)



Just went through an episode in our relationship and in a strange way, we have come back stronger and loving each other more. I think its a learning process that we're going through and it does make you wonder on what will happen next. I truly believe that love is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose. The true essence of love is risking everything for the dream that nobody sees but you. If theres magic in love, its the magic of believing beyond all the noises the world throws at you and all the thoughts that make you afraid, to just believe.

When theres doubt, you keep moving on. Thats what love is. Its not just holding hands, kissing, and whispering sweet nothings. That's what a relationship needs. What is real? How do you define real? If you mean what we can taste, smell, hear and feel then what's "real" is nothing more than electrical signals interpreted by your brain. What is real in love then? After the honeymoon period is over if its not about only the passion?

I think love is about giving and believing even when its painful and there are doubts. Because when you are commited, the sun will shine again and chase away the rain. And when it shines, it will shine all the more beautiful. You can't get a rainbow without the rain, and you can never treasure happiness without the pain of growing with the relationship. I want to make Evil Janet a believer and hopefully she'll whisper to me the sentence I've been waiting to hear and the one she has never said to anyone. All you need to do, is believe.

Michael Jordan, the greatest athlete to play basketball said it best, "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

imperfection

Been always guilty of thinking of nonsense at times. At times, I have been guilty of thinking too much and too deep into simple stuff that it only makes me think I'm really ridiculous afterwards. Sometimes, I wonder in all my weaknesses, the fact that I can't swim, can't dance and can't always speak up actually make me not a right fit for Evil Janet. That perhaps she deserves better. That she should not be with me.

But then, I slap myself up and wonder why in the world am I feeling self pity for myself. True, I'm also carrying a lot of baggage of my own and shes also doing the same. Where she fails, I try to pick her up and get her going again. Where she is bugged by past hurt, I find a way to mend the pieces still floating in her mind. Where she is not certain, I hold her hand. And where shes looking, I love her.

Carpe diem, its simple. Too much thought holds you back. Too much concerns and you sink too fast. I wrote several posts back that I'm not thinking much and just living every moment as it comes by. When I was lost, her smile reminded me that the world is a beautiful place again and I hope I have the strength, mind and body to show her the world the same as I see it every moment with her. I want her to see how beautiful every moment can be when youre with the one you care for and love. A bad day becomes good, a good day becomes great. There is no calculations for who owes who more, or whos the more lucky, because if that was the case, love would simply not make sense.

Its not about how many children you adopt, not about how much chocolates you buy, not about how many years you have held her hand. Its about how much love can you love her with and I've got forever to prove that point to her. I can't swim, but I can help her float when shes lost. Can't dance but I can listen to her heart sing. Can't speak up but I can be there for her always when it matters to speak to her heart. I believe that with her, I will only smile and the world although imperfect, seems almost surreally perfect. Now, only question is how to make her believe the same...

PS. Im also adopting a pretty child born on 28 Dec

Beautiful

Jenny: Hey, Forrest, were you scared in Vietnam?
Forrest: Yes. Well, I, I don't know. Sometimes it would stop raining long enough for the stars to come out. And then it was nice. It was like just before the sun goes to bed down on the bayou there was over a million sparkles on the water. Like that mountain lake. It was so clear, Jenny. It looks like there were two skies, one on top of the other. And then in the desert, when the sun comes up, I couldn't tell where heavens stopped and the earth began. It was so beautiful.
Jenny: I wish I could have been there with you.
Forrest: You were.
Jenny: I love you.



Nothing is real if you don't believe in who you are.

All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us.

The Eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them. I think there should be as many for love. Haven't or could not think of as many beautiful words though.



You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving. When you fall in love, you become a madman in your mind and a minstrel in your heart. The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.

Getting up everyday, life has been simply beautiful. From each experience, it seems all the more surreal. Nice, but surreal. My life is in transition mode now, catching only glimpses of it as it passes me by but I must admit that this transition phase has been the most beautiful I have seen for a long while and maybe ever. Will be consolidating my new job functions at work soon and the process has been painful. Been shifted around with varying roles and possibilities in my new role. The to-be role as expected will be more marketing driven. Just sitting here, I'm thinking that I've not even begun to savour how sweet the blog success has been yet and now the world spins around again.

Whats more in my mind is the shifting effect to the people around me. Its been a sad affair but I really appreciate the short time given to me before all the plans were made clear. Whatever happened, had happened for a reason. Its sad but I simply am thankful for the beautiful period I have had in my current desk. Trying to look at things more beautifully now and to be more strong for the people around me. Hope that we can make this through stronger than ever. I see you and the world is beautiful even with all the things happening around me. I look at you and the noise is lost and everything blurs. All that matters for the moment is you. And its beautiful.

PS. baby, did I tell you that you look wonderful today? Because you simply are.

sun, sea, sand and stars...

Anna: Can I stay for a while?
William: You can stay forever.



Someone once said, "There is some comfort in the emptiness of the sea, no past, no future." We are always looking for something, that one moment that we all seek, and few of us ever find.

If I would write a fairytale the way my weeks have gone by, I would have been labeled a cheat and a fake. In fact, I've gone way past believing and making myself believe to just enjoying the moment during the past week. Can you imagine sit back on the sands, look up at the dawning night and you see the glowing sun, the countless stars and you listen to the music of the waves. You look downwards and you see the most beautiful stars looking back at you and for that one moment, that single moment, your heart melts like no tomorrow.

Redang was beautiful but not as beautiful when we danced under the stars. We sang whatever songs we could remember when all we could think of loving each other. I'm not sure it was the sun or the moon, but when she said it was the sun then I believe it was the sun. All that mattered was that when I looked into her eyes, I saw my forever.

We did all tourists would do in Redang but everywhere we go, it was wonderful. The weather would follow our mood to suit what we want and everything simple became special. We did the necessary snorkeling which was good but not spetacular. We had meals by the beach and the chalet managers knew us by name, or rather me by name. There was a lot of warmth and nothing was more picture perfect. Did more than the normal tourist look see look see which took up only a small portion of the time. Simply put, the entire trip was a hugely satisfying affair that one day from now, when the weather gets gloomy and the day is not so pleasant, I will pull up the picture memories from last weekend and just smile.

I've spent a quarter of my life looking for the moment and just when you thought you've seen it all, everything comes at the right time when you do not look for anything. I hope to spend the rest of whats left of my life with the important things that I found in Redang and to make the words I said become true. Its easy to say things but I believe I can make it true because of that special someone. I thought I loved with all I had but it just continues to surprise me. Got up today and found that I love Evil Janet more. And I get up wanting to be a better man for both of us.

I wish I could invent a word greater than euphoria, unlimited joy, pure happiness and all the love in the world rolled into one. I wish I could introduce her as the love of my life and the only girl I could care about. I hope that she would never let my hand go forever. After the weekend and when we got on the boat back, the only thing on my mind that stayed was her, which will remain until the end.

PS. Get me my shirt right now.

a heart

Script from Pirates of the Caribbean

Tia Dalma: You know of Davy Jones, yes? A man of the sea. A great sailor. Until he ran afoul of that which vexes all men.
Will: What vexes all men?
Tia Dalma: What, indeed?
Gibbs: The sea?
Pintel: Sums?
Ragetti: The dichotomy of good and evil?
[Everyone stares at Ragetti.]
Jack: A woman.
Tia Dalma: Si, it was a woman. He fell in love...
Gibbs: No, no, no. I heard it was the sea he fell in love with.
Tia Dalma: Same story, different versions. And all are true. You see, it was a woman. As harsh, changing and untamable like the sea. Him never stopped loving her...

Of all the hearts of men, she walked right into mine. And right now, sitting here wondering how do I keep hers forever. Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love. Surely, there is the influence of fate that brings us together but what happens after that is something that demands great patience, a lot of time and a lifetime of caring.

When you fall in love which is easy, there is always immediate fear that you will screw up or do too much or do too little. You get scared of making the wrong moves or saying the wrong thing. You think about your timing and if you're suffocating her. You think about how to make her trust you. But touching down from Perth, I've been more relaxed and letting things happen in its own time. I do what I want to do and feel like doing instead of thinking all the time about what will happen after. The only question on my mind is if I can keep her loving me with all her heart without any reservations. Just hope I can wish all her worries away, kiss her thoughts to sweetness and maybe, just maybe get her to keep falling in love with me everyday.

Its been a combination of a frantic rush of pace today leading to this moment where everythings so calm now as I keep typing what my heart feels and my mind thinks. In secondary school, they used to say that I dance with the pen on paper. Right now, all I can think of is dancing on beach under the stars. In a world so fake, there is nothing more real than holding your hand without worry that people will be watching and nothing more true and to say I love you and nobody would see us blush.

I wish I could describe how my heart feels around you. It shrivels when it discovers how cute you are in the morning and jumps when it sees you so perfect walking in. It softens when you look in my eyes and it stops a beat when you say "i love u". It dances when you think of me and it runs when you smile. It destroys itself when you are sad and it is golden when its in your hands.

As harsh as the sea can become around us and as harsh and unchanging as the sea you may become, just want to say that "him never stopped loving her".

what does forever and ever mean

"Did you cheat on your ex?"

"Nope"

And my answer for real no matter what, is no. Why be in a relationship when you can not stay commited to the other person? It is built by two people and meant to last for only two people and there is no compromise. In life, there are many material things but only some truly last and stay with you until the end of your days. The most important things are the ones you take for granted and you watch fade away with time. A relationship can be fickle or it can grow with careful nurturing. The question is which choice would you make. In a relationship, this is not a question but more of a commitment. I would rather not be in a relationship with one foot in and the other out. Simply because it would not be fair when you can not love that special someone back wholeheartedly.

So how do you know if you're in love? Its really simple. Been thinking about what love is and what a relationship should be. Putting it down in words is something else. Every morning, I ask myself if I still see her loving me back in her eyes. If her hand holding mine tells me everythings allright. If her smile is still mine. That when she walks in, my world becomes alive and for that moment, shes all that matters and I hope that moment will last forever. I wake up every morning knowing that shes more important than me and I rub my eyes convincing myself to do my best to make her fall in love with me all over again. Falling in love is a strong word. Its more than putting her before yourself. It also says in the legal love contract code 13.14 that when you love someone, you don't just stop loving her or you don't stop spoiling her because you feel like it. It means making her smile and when she smiles, you just smile because you want to.

So, now for the million dollar question. What exactly is forever and ever? It means more than love you to the one you love. When you say forever and ever, it means that you will be the same until your last breathe and that you throw the words boring out of your life dictionary and everything you do somehow ends up with her. You do not get angry and act rash anymore because of her. You do not drive so fast anymore because you need to think about her. You want to be a better man so that you can care for her and she does not need to worry about you. You do not cheat her because it hurts you more than her. You let her bully you because you know she won't hurt you. You spoil because you want to. She deserves to be pampered. And the sky is blue simply because she said it should be blue for her.

Its not looking for the perfect person that matters or to create a perfect relationship. People go searching for the right and perfect person all their life and they end up dissapointed how their life turns out. A perfect person does not exist nor does a perfect relationship created. You know you love someone whose perfect when her weaknesses and her strengths complete you and inspires you to be simply, perfect for her.

Music & Lyrics is about a guy, Hugh Grant, a flailing composer who simply can't write lyrics and has been on a downturn after a falling out with his lyricist. Somehow, Drew Barrymore, an art student emerges as the perfect fit in the perfect storm. They somehow draw up a song that I think is beautiful because it embodies best what I felt when I met Evil Janet because it was perfect.

Way Back Into Love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
Ive been searching but I just dont see the signs
I know that its out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

There are moments when I dont know if it's real
or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration, not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
and If I open my heart to you
Im hoping you'll show me what to do
and if you help me to start again
you know that I'll be there for you in the end.

between right and wrong

"I'm hungry"

"OK. I'll get you something"

"No. Not that hungry..."

Now everyday, we always ask ourselves if we made the right decision or wrong ones that we regret. I used to do that everyday to see if I did everything right and to avoid the wrongs that happened. In fact everyone does. I guess its because I believe that as people we feel the need to constantly improve and get better each day by making lesser mistakes and continue to impress in the work that we do. Now thats normal and also perfectly what everyone thinks everyday. But is it the right way?

Coming back from Perth, had some time to rethink what it is I'm doing and what it is that I want to achieve in the long run. Been 'thinking' less and doing more feeling. Immersing myself in my job and my life more now instead of just thinking it through. In fact the last month has been just that. I'm thinking lesser and living each second as it comes. Carpe Diem, seize the day. I liked that phrase but never really lived it. Its easy to fall in love with the idea and the novelty to just embrace life as it goes by each second. Its simplier and safer to just go throught the motions and routine each day.

Its like the movie, "As Good As it Gets". The film starring Jack Nicholson, for those who have seen it, is about the story of an obsessive-compulsive, misanthropic, and bigoted romantic novelist named Melvin Udall, and how his personality softens and changes. Melvin is a man obsessed with order. He sits at the same table at the same restaurant and insists on the same routine everyday. He feels for a waitress, Carol and they have an odd relationship going with ups and downs due to the routines. In one scene at the end, Carol resignedly telling Melvin it won't work because "all you do is make me feel bad about myself." In unfamiliar territory, Melvin struggles to compliment Carol. He goes on to say that she represents everything that is good and right in the world, the balance he needs to deal with his disorder, and life in general.

Melvin Udall: I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.



I'm learning to let go more now and think more differently. Theres a fine line between carefee and to enjoy life. Deviate too much and you end up being a slob thats a gluttony for life. Do it right and you will see the most beautiful sights and experience things you never knew existed everyday. You want to do your best but not worry too much about the outcome because tomorrow comes anyway. The result as many people have said is not as important as the journey. Because life is a never ending road and every result is merely a milestone that fades tomorrow. Being in a relationship or to wake up everyday is similar. I've learnt that you do not make milestones, you learn to live everyday and when I wake up, I think what else can I do today to show how I think and I feel.

Living each day is full of rights and wrongs but how do you know which is right and which is wrong. Its like that old stories, there was this young guy that got injured and it was wrong because he was supposed to get married. But then there was a war so he escaped, that made it right. I think its important to understand that there is no actual right and wrong. You just live life and make decisions based on your heart. You live life the way you want to. Surely, the immediate consequences might or might not be seen but I believe its more important to live life the way you want it to be. Spend less time thinking and more time living. Even then, I feel I don't have enough time for living. I want to do so much but I can't for now.

Its really quite simple actually. The key is to know what you want. I wake up everyday convinced I know what I want and somehow the how to do it comes to me. I just don't think anymore and do. Have you decided what you want?

PS. Baby, I know what i want. bring something like the pic you thought i didint save.

Magic

Just got back from Perth. Surprisingly, I'm still not tired out. Yesterdays finale was the V Festival at Clairemont grounds and its been exciting. I think magics a lot like a music festival. You have the flashes, the wow you and the exciting finale. Both made the audience wonder and the audience wants to be wowed by the act thats put on. They want to see a show and for a moment let the show take their breathe away.

Now, most tv shows usually run the same script. Its the same based formula but the only thing that changes are the characters and the settings, be it from a surgical theater to a lost island to simply ordinary life. Whats captivating is that magic that people are looking for. A relationship is the same, most people fall in love with the flashes and the bangs. They look for that one moment that defines magic. One moment does not define a relationship nor can it sustain a lifetime.

Magic is not in the cards that you hand make, or the flowers that you fold, nor is it in the one moment that you go hunting for. Its in the little things that you do everyday, in fact every second in a relationship. To get someone to fall in love with you is simply the easy part. To get that someone to continue to fall in love with you over and over again everyday is the magic. Through the little things that you do defines a relationship. Its easy to leave things to 'magic' and say that everythings fated. But without any effort, a relationship will not last and the magic will be gone. The true magic that exists in to get that one you love to fall in love with you over and over again everyday of your life forever and ever.

Real magic is in getting that special someone to smile for you and when you look into her eyes, you know that its real. That divides the moment from the magic. When you know that no matter how much you screw up but still can see that same eyes, you will never see the magic. The secret to magic is in the simple things that you do. Care for her, love her and make her happy. Simple words.

People look for magic but do not know what magic it is they are looking for. I'm looking for a magic that defies character and makes someone believe again in everything that was lost. Simple to be said, but thats magic.

getting up

I'm still in bed typing this. Just got off the phone and was thinking about the hours you slept or rather about the hours you did not sleep. You sound okay but thats before all the running around today. Know some things you can control and some things are harder. Wondering if youre putting yourself in my shoes and doing every single thing like you know how I would feel about it. I've heard so many apologies the last 2 weeks but strangely, I do not feel any anger at all. Strange because I feel I can be so patient with you and I'm actually making up reasons for you to myself which is not me at all. I really do not need apologies or anything, I just need you to be safe andif possible to love me back. Sitting here knowing I love you so so much. Missing you and its only one day to go. Both of us have a long day ahead. Don't think I will get the chance to write or rather type after this.

Just want you to know I'm with you every step of the way. Each time you act like a nutter, I'm reminded how much I love you. Worried, yes but each time after I can't help but smile. Smiling when I can imagine you working at your desk into the wee hours of the morning. Thats when I realise I love you because of your determination and sense of responsibility. Smiling when I know you're not going into bed because you want to read my post because I matter to you. Smiling when I heard you went for coffee and only got back at 1. Because you live with your heart and I can trust my heart with you. Don't tell you this because you will only get more reckless :P Only worried, not because you do not know how to take care of yourself. But worried because you wear yourself out so much and then you amaze me by coming back all energetic. Maybe Im not so worried and actually more afraid that you'll burn out and find little energy to love me back.

Writing my thoughts down so that I can be honest with you. I think I'm so afraid of losing you that its practically laughable. And its true that I can not get angry with you because when you smile, I end up making excuses for you all over again. I can see the seams of sunshine breaking into the room. Better get up and have a great day because thats what you want me to do. I love you baby and I hope you're not running all day long. Its just tomorrow...

sitting here

The clock chimed once, twice and then the little birds burst to life chirping to mark the time at exactly 7.00 pm. Been sitting on the bench in front of Dymocks for a few minutes. The old man playing violin looks up sighs and starts the half finished tune from scratch again. Its still cold and I was tired of sightseeing. In that short wait, I have seen roughly a dozen couples walk by, holding hands and most laughing along the way. Its a Saturday and some dressed up and some simply held onto each other because they could.

Sitting there, Perth reminds me so much of Wellington. Both are quiet and both have practically the same kind of stores and shapes, be it from Dymocks to West Bank to Dicksmith Electronics. Yet the souls of both cities are so different. This entire week has been so different. I have been so different. Its been exactly six days, two hours, twenty four minutes and six seconds at writing this line that I have not seen your face. I know because when I closed the door of your car, I was already looking at my watch to count how long would time demand until we would be allowed to meet again which would be roughly for seven days, eighteen hours, forty eight minutes and six seconds assuming I touchdown and check my luggage out at exactly 1 pm.

Now, I am no mathematician. But all I know is that how much I miss you can not be quantified nor can it be measured in simple arithmetics. If not then my love for you would be simply,

Love you = (all my heart + all my mind + all my time + my everything)*(cannot lose you + always be faithful to you + you are my one and only)

But somehow that equation does not add up because when I love you, nothing else matters, so would it be better to say,

Love you = My everything and more

Not quite as well because my love for you can not be simplified nor can it be quantified. So when I say I love you, it goes beyond simple calculation and I hope I never find the answer because when I love you, there are no limits, no boundaries, no rules and most importantly, because you love me too. I feel my perspectives are changing not only because of time but because of you.



Just got back wrapped to my room in two layers. I don't think its the weather thats making me cold because the temperature is actualy slightly warmer than the day before. I think its the heart thats cold. But I'm actually smiling more today and the day before. Because the timer is coming to an end and unless my calculations are wrong, Monday is just around the corner. And today, you sound so happy that my entire room was lit up and my heart was burning like a bonfire. You're smile on the phone simply has that magic. Was down the whole day but your smile reminded me how lucky I am and that its all going to be over soon. Monday is coming and the sunshine is coming back to my world. So Evil Janet, should I lend you a calculator to count our love for you as well? I know the answer to this one, and its 1314. I never make mistakes in my calculations....

sunshine and breeze

Felt the sand and it was cold. But my feet stepping on the other side outside the shade was burning. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the weather of Perth. Simply two faced that I can't seem to make up mind if its been hot or cold. Each time I have to walk out in the sun, it literally burns and each time when the wind blows, it literally sends chills up my spine. It seems the breeze at Fremantle is called the Fremantle theraphy and it really heals you in the heat of the sun. Its so peaceful here that my mind becomes so queit and theres only you. Just got off the phone and I'm happy because you're happy my international weather channel.

Been having a love hate relationship with Perth at the moment. We managed to scour the city on foot in approximately 3 hours. 3 hours and that was all there is to Perth city. We even managed to throw in a few bus rides, train stops and tremendous distances on foot. We managed to try every single food myth about Perth except for the most famous, Apple Struddle. How in the world would we know that the shop would close by noon? On top of it being a Saturday? They should have been slapped and tied for kangaroo boxing practices in respect of their treatment to tourists.

Managed to visit the lighthouse and found out how the term "eye on the ball" came up. At sea, ships had no problem locating the latitude based on stars, bla bla bla but had problems with the latitude. To solve this, each time to signal it was 1 before the invention of the radio, the lighthouse would actually shoot a cannon at the sea. Problem is, by the time sound travels to the ships, the time would no longer be sharp at 1. So when they fire the cannon ball, they would also let loose a huge black ball. Sailors would have "their eyes on the ball" which signified accuracy. Hence, the term eyes on the ball. Oh yeah, I have my eyes on the ball all the time like how I've been missing evil janet every second of the day of my life, Perth not withstanding. Can't stop thinking of her and can't get my eyes off the ball of my life.

Tried the infamous fish and chips at Cicerella's and had a go at emu and crocodile sausages in a bar cum restaurant. But nothing even comes close to how delicious you are baby. Been thinking of you a lot and its two days to go. Been told we have live interviews with two Aussie bands; the Temper Trap and Wolf & Club. Sure, it seems we were not prestigious enough to have a go at even the bigger names at the show like say Snow Patrol, the Killers, Kaiser Chiefs and Duffy but come on. Not complaining and I'm just saying...Anyways the v-fest is happening right in Clairemont Field tomorrow. Need to do some research before the live interview. Happened to pass by the venue on the train towards Fremantle and the groundworks were all nearly up and running. Seems to be exciting and will see if it matches the Melbourne and Gold Coast stops.

Managed to sneak into the hotel for a bit of rest and its been an entirely gruesome day. Started ugly but finding some rest right now. Its only two days to go but it seems that you can't stop not appearing in my mind. After tomorrow, can't wait for tomorrow to end. Monday can't seem to arrive soon enough.

a journey of a thousand miles

There is a wise saying in Chinese that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Then, answer me this, how come a journey of a thousand miles still ends up the same? Even, getting away so many thousand miles, our time zones are still the same, I still think of you more than ever. I have travelled from one continent to another and you're still there, nothng has changed.

Walked into the terminal and I was still reeling from only 2-3 hours of rest the night before in the plane. Had a baby constantly crying and the seats were uncomfortable all the way during a turbulent midway flight path through the sea. Other than that, coulnd't sleep much either and was thinking/dreaming of you throughout. Wondering how would I react when I see you on Monday and just can't go to sleep thinking of your smile all the way. Was worried about your headache after a two hour ride on a crazy bus.

Was greeted by the infamous cold chill of morning Perth gust and was really 'biten' hard each time the wind got through the automatic doors of the airport. Wondering if Evil Janet must be suffering the same and even worse there. Was tired but everything else was alright. The hotel didin't have the rooms so had to sneak out to get a glimpse of the next adventure ahead.

Went around the King's Park today which was a healthy ten minutes walk up the hill from King George's Street and the scenery was exceptional. The sky was so blue that it had to be fake. Fake because it was beautiful but not perfect. For how can it be perfect when you are not around to hold my hand and see this? Not perfect for nothing is, without you. Even the greatest memories fade and the tastiest food does not linger long. The majestic scenery by the bay was irrelevant as each picture I took, I kept imagining us together in it. That would have been beautiful.

Been trying to enjoy myself in Perth and its been a challenge. Came back immediately after dinner to hear your voice and it has never been dissapointing. We're going to see koalas and kangaroos tomorrow and that will be uplifting. Think if i kidnap a baby koala you would bail me out? hahaha...Kinda sad to hear you have to sneak out to get your preferred food. Typing this just after talking to you and wondering if you'll smile when you read this because I think your simpy too cute baby.

Missing someone does not change because of the distance nor does it change because the surroundings have changed. It only intensifies with time. The only time my eyes glimmer is when I get your sms, hear your voice or see your picture. Everytime you appear in my mind which is basically every second is so painful when I can not hold your hand.

Today is the fifth day and nothing has changed. Thankfully Bo is with her to take care and make sure she eats. Nothing ever changes. In fact, I have continued to miss you more than ever. The only thing that has changed in Perth is that the zombie still exists...luv u baby...

I'm here for you

John: Now don't take this the wrong way, but you are a Terminator, right?
Terminator: Yes. Cyberdyne Systems, Model 101.
John: [Pokes at one of Terminator's bullet wounds.] Holy shit! You're really real! I mean, you're like a machine underneath, right? But sort of alive outside?
Terminator: I'm a cybernetic organism. Living tissue over a metal endoskeleton.
John: This is intense. Get a grip, John. OK, uhm, you're not here to kill me. I figured that part out for myself. So what's the deal?
Terminator: My mission is to protect you.
John: Yeah? Who sent you?
Terminator: You did. Thirty-five years from now, you re-programmed me to be your protector here, in this time.

Okay, so what does Terminator have to do with my story today? To be honest, I do not really know but the Terminator character is one of the most reliable characters in the history of moviedom. Evil Janet is in an intense experience and I'm stuck here in Kuala Lumpur not being able to help her one single bit which is precisely like a stab in the heart. Its that feeling of helplessness that you are incapable of helping (made worse when she didin't have lunch). Was thinking of all that and the single word that came immediately to my mind, was Terminator.

Grew up wathcing this many times on video and felt that it was kinda cool to be able to protect the people that matter to you. Would watch and re-enact the really exciting scenes with my brother who would just tag along with whatever games I could come up wiht. We would repeat the lines and all that with our plastic guns. We took turns okay to be terminator so it was not just me.

Now, I'm nothing even remotely close to the real terminator with no real muscles and real strength. What I have is a will to protect you and make you happy every second of my life. Now, lets re-imagine the above dialogue again, like below:-



Evil Janet: Now don't take this the wrong way, but you are a Blogger, right?
Me: Yes. Luv U Systems, Model Blogger 101.
Evil Janet: [Pokes at my flabby tummy.] Holy shit! You're really real! I mean, you're like a machine underneath, right? But sort of alive outside?
Me: I'm a loving organism incapable of surviving without you and designed to love you. Living tissue over an empty heart which I believe is with you.
Evil Janet: This is intense. Get a grip, Janet. OK, uhm, you're not here to kill me. I figured that part out for myself. So what's the deal?
Terminator: My mission is to protect you.
John: Yeah? Who sent you?
Terminator: You did. Fifty years from now, you re-programmed me through love to be your protector here, in this time. And we're supposed to be holding hands everyday until we die and you should be smiling while we watch the sunrise and sunset. I was also programmed to spoil you and make you the luckiest girl on planet earth.

PS. Baby, love you. Know you're real super duper busy but my hand has never left yours and I'm here for you. Never be afraid or panic, I'm here for you...always.

pure joy

I just announced the first two shortlisted candidates that are one step closer to living their dreams today on of all days, April Fool's Day. I called them personally to congratulate them. And what I heard was truly heart tugging. I started this competition for one reason, which was when I saw my brother break down and cry when he failed his attempts to be a pilot after SPM. I still remember him calling me while I was in New Zealand after the incident. He was so down and distressed that he had a complete mental breakdown and even got into an accident. His tears on the phone is something I still remember until today.

This competition is special for me because he never heard back from AirAsia and flunked the MAS examination but he got back up. That was how much power a dream has over someone. The hope that it brings is simply astounding and the raw power that empowers you to do things you have never done before is unbelievable. Being in a position to open doors to dreams is not empowering but it humbles you. It makes you think about how you are at the same time giving hope and might also be crushing the other majorities that are awaiting their chance. It makes you really consider the many possibilities that you have and how you use that power. Spiderman said it best that with great powers comes great responsibilities.

I worked on launching this for 4 months but the conception had already begun in my mind before I joined AirAsia. I left my highpaying corporate power position because I knew I could not make an impact like I can right now. Life's too short to be wasted on material gains and stuff that does not last. If I could in this simple one instance change the lives of ten individuals, would that not mean more?

I've struggled from the conception of the pilot competition idea on how do I say no to the dreams of people that are so sincere. Some might not have concentrated in secondary school but want that opportunity so bad. What do I say to these people that have the heart but not the company demands on only selecting the best? What really is the best? When I selected Chee Keong and Daphne, their blog posts showed their hearts and their will to reach out for their dreams. When I called them, they displayed so much raw emotion. So much joy for it to be false. The joy that they had hope and they had a chance to fight for their dreams. I could hear the tears in their voice that they had made it one step further. They knew they were not there yet but this meant something. This competition was born on the will that you have to fight for it. I will give you a hand but the road to being a pilot or whatever you want to achieve in life is so hard and its a struggle.

Their voices reminded me of my brother when he got his shot at living his dream. You have to be strong to live your dream and really want it. I used to think money was my motivation and the dreams of success. Just goes to show how shallow I was. What I want right now is to make a positive difference on the people around me, be it AirAsia staff or the guests that the blog touches. Words truly can change minds and lives. You just have to believe.

PS. Baby, my dream remains holding hands until we grow old and watch every sunrise and sunset together. luv u....