the right smile on a Tuesday

" Don’t say we aren't right for each other, the way I see it is… We aren't right for anyone else.”

~Cutting Edge



When I miss you, I listen to music or look at pictures of you. Not to remind me of you but to make me feel as if I’m with you. It makes me forget the distance and capture you. You are there, a few thousand miles away and the way I miss you should not be measured in miles or hours but it should be measured by how much my life is missing a whole part of it because of you.

Just remember baby, that somewhere there is someone that dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile. So when you are lonely, remember it’s true that someone somewhere is thinking of you. When you suddenly sneeze in the heat of Hangzhou, you should know that theres a fool thinking about you. If you think missing me is hard, then you should try missing you. Yes, I am a fool for you in so many ways. Yes, I have been accused by you of sweet talking you at the most unexpected times. But also yes, this is the whole truth, I love you berry berry much and I think about you all the time.

I've actually been writing this for the last thirty minutes, getting distracted and all that in between. Maybe its also difficult to write when you're not around. I find it hard to find meaningful words and challenging to build beautiful sentences. Like you, I too do not know how to smile. For there is none. But baby, we got to smile. Simply because we have each other. You are on foreign ground in a place some say is the most beautiful in China. Let me be the reason why you should be smiling today because you definitely are mine. Smile because we are still walking this path even a few thousand miles apart. Smile because it hurts when we can not see each other and when we both mean so much to each other. Smile baby because I love you and you know its true.

This morning started gloomy, the cars zipped by because its the school holidays and traffic in notorious Cheras is surprisingly taking a break. Maybe the traffic gods have mercy on me, and decided not to add to my sadness when you're away. There were no chirping birds or open skies though, maybe I wasn't paying enough attention. I sat in bumblebee today and felt a slow tingle of cold up my spine. I could imagine your hand on my gear changing them as I hit my clutch. I would look to you and you would smile. Today I spent five minutes looking at where you would sit. I could almost touch you baby. And for the first time today baby, I smiled.

PS. Bie, even when there are no reasons, let me be all your reasons to smile. Luv you and let it last a lifetime because I will always smile for you like you will for me.

thank god its friday

Gigi: Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope.
Gigi: I would rather be like that, then be like you.
Alex: Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?
Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.



We went to see this movie actually on a Saturday. A day her friends tried to take away her handphone and her notebook while she was too occupied with me. Still remember the day she tried so hard to park near mine and how sweet she looked waiting for me in front of Starbucks. Still remember the details of that night, from the KFC she could not finish in her car and of the time she told me she got picked up in the very same bookstore we were in. And that she wanted four towels which is something I have not got her yet. I remember the details like it was yesterday. Of how sweet her kiss was, and how warm her hand was while we walked in the rain.

I have flashbacks of the times we are together all the time and theyre so beautiful. The details. And the moments we had and we are going to have together. Thinking back to the night, I still remember the movie we saw together. I forgot some of the characters because it was messy but it has some message that resonates with us today. I told her that its important to put yourself out there in order to love. But I guess what I should have told her and what my heart meant was let us both put our hearts out there together and be there for each other. Love is never a one person journey but a journey of two holding hands. Theres always the chance that the two may stray away from the journey but not if both are always holding hands and each reminding the other of the journey and each other.

Its always convenient and tempting to take the easy way out but true joy never comes from that. Between choosing what is right and what is easy, I would choose happiness. Which is what she told me in her eyes. I love you bie. Its not easy to always trust when there is no safety net and in so much hurt, I am so lucky. Its a Friday and let us paint each other smiles again. Thank you for loving me. For walking with me.



PS. Bie, do you hear me? Talking to you..across the water, across the deep blue ocean, under the open sky, oh my. Baby, I'm trying...