After the rain

Burke: Cristina; I could promise to hold you, and to cherish you. I could promise to be there in sickness and in health. I could say 'til death do us part, but I won't. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. And I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic, I am not. I am sure. I am steady. And I know I am a heart man, take them apart, put them back together. I hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So this, I am sure. You are my partner, my lover, my very best friend. My heart, my heart, beats for you. And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this. I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands. I promise you, me.

~ Preston Burke, Grey's Anatomy Season Three



Baby, it's stormy today and we drove to the office together. I miss you. Although it's only been a few minutes since I last saw you but these short trip only made me miss you more. And it only made me think how nice it would be to be able to snuggle and cuddle in bed just a little while longer. Was thinking of what Burke said last night on DVD and it just seems so sweet but scripted. Was smiling when thinking back of you asking me if you would have to write your vows. Was grinning when you asked me what do I think of you. Let my words dance across paper to answer these.

Today, unlike Burke who got to mutter his wedding vows in an OR on the widescreen with scriptwriters, I would like to write my daily vows here. Baby, the only vow you might ever have to make is if you want to say how much this relationship means to you and what you would like to say about loving me. And you don't need a pen to write that down, all you need to do is just love me. So what do I think of you? When I see you baby, when I open my eyes and look at you, be it at the start of the day or in the treasure chest of my mind, all I see are two things.

I see in your eyes, eyes that only see me and everytime I look at those diamonds of yours, there's no two stars more beautiful in the universe. The second thing I see when you appear, is someone that I love and can't live without a lifetime. So what do I think when I see you? I see this perfect lady that I would like to trust with the most precious things I will ever have; my life, my time, my heart and my love. When I see you, I see this most beautiful lady, lion, elf, and baby of mine whose hands I will never let go.

I know it's a gloomy day and let me write this to maybe warm your heart in the midst of darkness of rain. Baby, I could promise to love you everyday of our lives, to always be by your side, to always make you happy and everything sweet under the sky until you die of diabetes. And like you always tell me, these are the words of sweet talkers that just talk and don't have anything to prove or they simply don't act. I am not a sweet talker, I am not someone who dreams words just to make you smile, I am a doer. I know who I see in you every second and I know what I will always know, that you're the one. I believe that I do not need to look anymore because I have found you or rather you found me. And I know I am a good person, it's not because I stay away from vices or bad company, but because I know right from wrong and I will always choose to do the right thing. And the right thing is not to continue to be with you even when I do not love you. But the right thing that I will always promise you is that I will always love you right not because I'm already with you but because I will never take you for granted. That I will always cherish every thing you do for me or not do for me, that I will spend every second loving you like every second is our last and in all good times and in bad, I always hold your hand and paint our forever. This I promise you, Linda Foo, that I will always love you because I am a man who believes in happily ever afters and in you being the one so there will never need to be a time that I will let go. So just love me.

PS. Bie, today the rain is gone and all is left are the brightest diamonds in my skies. I see you and I see perfection. I love you.

today and everyday you are my full stop

Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love.

~ My Sassy Girl



Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.

Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?"
Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!"
"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, let me go with you."
"Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you." It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Realizing how much was owed the elder, Love asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?"
Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is."

With time, love grows and those in that circle learn to appreciate it and grow with it. Nothing material that can be earned will last, only love that grows between two sincere hearts remain. Growing up, I told her today how much I had to fight for everything I have since I was young. But with her, she's my safety that my heart can always find when the clouds appear. When there's happiness, there is no other I want to share it with than this beautiful flower of my heart.

Today is the first day of the week and the last day of the month. I miss her so much and she's away at practice and she will be going away everyday for the next month or so. Writing this, only time and love can bring us closer. We just got back from another great getaway in Perhentian and it was another treasure to keep in my heart for the days to come. She's so beautiful and I did not tell her this yet and it pains me a bit that she does not hear how perfect she is today. I'm making a mental note to let her know later with all the love in my heart.

I close my eyes and I see you. And this song of Lathika emerges and your smile is so sweet. I just want you to know when you read this that I will always be waiting for you and my hand is empty without yours by my side. I miss you so much. I love you baby.

PS. Bie, strangely I feel you around me. I can't see you with my eyes open but everytime I type these words, "I love you", I feel you are near and whispering to me. I miss you so much baby.

Tuesday Waiting

I know that she is good and strong and deserves all the love this world has to give. Can't you see that, how wonderful, how special she is?

~ A Walk in the Clouds



There is this story about a man who became angry with his wife for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he was really mad when his wife tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. Nevertheless, his wife brought the gift to him the next morning and said, "This is for you, baby."

The man was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found out the box was empty. He yelled at her, stating, "Don't you know, when you give someone a present, there is supposed to be something inside?" The lady looked up at him with tears in her eyes and cried, "O, baby, it's not empty at all. I blew kisses into the box. They're all for you, baby."

Like that box, everyday, behind all this writing, there is love behind each word. I remember my lion telling me that each blog post is too perfect. Like that gold wrappings, it's merely decoration to what my heart is and I just want her to know that my heart whispers into each sentence and my love is at the end of each paragraph. I do not think my love for her is perfect but I'm perfectly aware that she is the one for me and I believe in magic, in soulmates and in forever afters. I'm old fashioned and a hopeless idiot like that and I just want you to know baby on all days, that I love you and these posts only mean to tell you how much you mean to me.

Everytime you appear in the window of my mind, I see you and you are wonderful. Writing this, I'm thinking of how to paint you this smile today and how to tell you that today, you are the most important person, thing, and event that I will have. Right now, you're rushing to the airport and I'm with you holding your hand. Whispering that we will meet soon. And thinking about that I, I'm encouraged to run a good race for us and be a better person each day.

It's finally Tuesday and in a few hours, I will see you soon. I woke up tired of another day not being able to see you. I didn't dream last night although I hoped they would be of Perhentian. And the truth is that I miss you so much each second you are away. And the drive today in xiao hui was slow as cars breezed by. Was driving towards Putrajaya turning back down to the Dengkil bypass and I gazed at the clouds. And just hidden under the sun peeking through the clouds was this rainbow. It was small but it was beautiful and it reminded me that after all the dark, there would be the rainbow at the end. My rainbow is on the flight back to KL at 0005 tomorrow morning. I'm waiting for my baby.

PS. Bie, your hobbit is waiting for you. You are my reasons. You are all my reasons. You deserve all the love in the world baby and that's all a lamb can give a lion.

Measuring Love

If I could measure the beauty of her eyes, I was born to look into them and know myself.

~ Shakespeare in Love



I woke up today dreaming of her three different times. Each time waking up calling her name. Fell asleep because was tired and each time I closed my eyes again, I saw her. Morning came and I felt so lazy to wake up. And then I remembered it was already Monday. Just one more day to go. Driving to work I remembered what we talked about and I just realised I just got through one of the most meaningless Sundays of my life.

It's funny really because I didn't do anything different than what I would not normally do if I had not met her but few months down the road. And just thinking about my Sunday, I feel awkward and strange how things have changed. How things are different once you have someone important in your life that what I've been comfortable with before seems a waste of time and meaningless. It's funny that way how much missing her can make things around me so dull and a blur.

Today's beautiful. It's a surprisingly beautiful Monday morning and I'm missing her every second but I'm listening and I believe like she says that she left her heart behind before she left. I left mine with hers to and I want her to remember that. That's why food here is tasteless, why sleep here doesn't seem enough, why my mind is always thinking of one thing, my lion...

I have a story for her today. Baby, there was this pencil maker who made all the pencils in the world. And just before he sent this pencil out into the world and putting him into a box, he took this pencil aside.

"There are 5 things you need to know," he told the pencil, "Before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be."

"One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone's hand."

"Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you'll need it to become a better pencil."

"Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make."

"Four: The most important part of you will always be what's inside."

"And Five: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition, you must continue to write."

The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in its heart.

Now replace the place of the pencil with your lamb bie. Always remember and never forget,

One: I will be able to do many great things, but only if I allow myself to be held in your hand. There is nothing great with me doing things alone for myself but in you, I find all my meaning.

Two: Together, we will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, by going through various problems in life, but we'll need it to end up a stronger couple tasting each bitterness together holding hands.

Three: I will be able to correct any mistakes I might make with you. Not because I can take things for granted but because with you, I know I have tomorrow to wake up to and look forward to and that is the greatest gift you can give me, the chance to be happy always.

Four: The most important part of me will always be what's on the inside and everything inside me is you. You are my reasons. You are all my reasons. I love you.

And Five: On every surface I walk through, I leave your mark. No matter what the situation, I will always love you and every step I take is just a step towards you. That's what matters and no one is leaving anyone. Because love does not last just a flicker in time, it grows stronger each day and we learn to live around it not by compromise but by embracing life together with love.

Another day to look forward to. Another day to miss you. Like that pencil, I just want to be the best that I can be for us. Lion, if you're reading this, your lamb misses you like crazy every second!!!!!! Need to see you, hear you and just be with you!

PS. Bie, you're beautiful today. I don't know why or how I know but you are beautiful and I love you baby. Today's beautiful because you're smiling when you read this.

Missing you with volume

Love isn't about ridiculous little words. Love is about grand gestures. Love is about airplanes pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love is about finding courage inside of you that you didn't even know was there.

~ Little Manhattan



Do you know that breathing is the most easiest job on earth? But it gets difficult whenever she stares at me like this. I always have to remind myself how to breathe. And right now, she's gone again. She left her heart behind this time.

I looked at her in the dark last night. I wanted to kiss her but want is not enough and I kissed her and I loved every moment of it. And when it was over, I wished it could last forever. Just moments before that, I was switching on the lights to wait for her for I knew if my head touched the pillow, I would fall fast asleep and I would not have the chance to see her just a bit more.

I turned on the usual song of "Leaving on a Jetplane" which I always play in mind on the eve before she leaves on her trips. My hand must have slipped because I landed on Lathika's theme. For those that have watched Slumdog Millionaire, you would have remembered this slow theme whenever Lathika appears in Jamal's life. It's hauntingly beautiful and when the music played last night, I saw my Lathika. Like Jamal watching her so beautiful smiling at the train platform, I was transfixed for what seemed like minutes as I saw her.

I saw her turning around again, and I see her smiling as she closes the door of her car. She whispers I love you and I remember again the first time she ever told me she loves me. And this smile appears. I wait patiently for her and I kiss her and every kiss I give and I take, I mean it, and it means everything to me. And everytime she goes, my tear drops still fall. It fell just before I could kiss her last night. And it fell again driving back the long road.

She's flying high up in the skies right now and I miss her. I hope when she comes back, she will discover our love is stronger than it ever was and my hand is waiting for hers to return, right here. I read this quote from Love Manhattan and thought, both of us really do not believe in these big things and showy stuff that does not last. But I believe that love is going that extra mile, loving her more when it hurts like now when her heart is here but she is so far away. Love is finding I'm braver than I thought I was in all our imperfections and when we are weak.

And I miss you baby. I love you. And my volume is this. I miss you so much that I think the entire world should know my pain not because I want the world to know how much I love you but I want the world to know how important you are to me, my lion, my elf, my baby. How much it hurts not to be able to hold hands that bring me warmth, not being able to see myself in your eyes and how much it pains me when I look around and call you name eventhough you are not here to hear it. Because, maybe, just maybe, you hear me. I miss you baby.

PS. Bie, today is a beautiful Sunday. You are beautiful. I miss you.

chasing away nitemares

Listen, you hear it? [whispers in a raspy voice] Carpe — hear it? — Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.

~ Dead Poet's Society



We woke up today and she saw nightmares. I saw her and thought my world is perfect. It's finally Friday and the week that seems so long at first is close to an end. These days I know she's been trying hard to stay positive and at the same time be honest with me and that is definitely a right step in the right direction. I just want to be here with her and let her know that I care and all I want to do is make her happy.

That road seems still a way to go. I'm feeling sleepy right now and somehow I feel this peace today. Although things did not start off well for us today but I believe that there is a happy ending for us today. Everything seems to move so slow today and there is this laziness and it's not just because it's a Friday. And when I take a look at my watch, it's suddenly already 12 and I feel a bit cheated by time. I wish there was more time today to make her happy.

Going to paint a rainbow for both of us today. Understand that she feels I'm the only one that can hurt her right now and I really need to be more sensitive about things especially her. Carpe diem. It starts with seizing today and not letting another day we should be happy get away from us. Today will be extraordinary. What began with nightmares will end with sweet dreams. I don't know this but I believe this. All I need to do is love her.

I know of this story that I wrote many years ago while still in school and maybe this might paint her a smile in the afternoon. I remember writing it for a school essay and it was simple enough yet I remembered it because it was among the few that I put a bit of heart into writing. There was a little girl that lived in a house across the bridge on a small island. She was a very quiet girl this one. And it was just a few months since she had moved in and people called her Lucy. Lucy never got along well with the neighbours and was perfectly content to be alone with her bicycle to which she took many trips across the waters.

Lucy was often in a mess, rolling down hills and chasing animals in the woods. Anyone who sought to be her friend were turned away. She seemed happy enough to be herself. In the same neighbourhood there was a boy and he too seemed happy enough. He had lived in these parts for many years and was also quiet, cleanly cut hair and prim clothes, he often could be found reading under a tree. Peter was what his friends used to call him. Now it was a dark and stormy night when Peter was out in his tree reading and before he knew it, it poured and poured. Running for shelter, he spotted a house across a bridge.

And he sought shelter from the torrential rain. Using his book as a cover, he hid behind the neatly stacked wood, not for fear of being caught but more because of the rain. Peter was really cold and the light was really inviting. He peeked in and saw a pair of eyes staring back. The window opened and the girl muttered, "I'm Lucy. I saw you at school. You must be really cold. Climb in here." Peter was shocked at another girl willing to take him in the rain. Taking her hand, he clambered into a cosy room filled with warmth of burning firewood.

Sitting awkwardly in the shadows, "I'm Peter. Thanks for letting me in. The rain has been awfully unkind and sudden." Silence permeated the air. "It's awfully nice of you to share this cosy room witha stranger. And we're not strangers anymore I guess. Nice to meet a new friend Lucy". Stammering as he heard no reply he stood up and his shadow was towering over the room. Lucy barely stared at the firewood cuddling her body in the gaze of the flare.

"You can sit by my side if you want. It's warmer here. Nice to meet you Peter". Approaching cautiously, Peter noticed that Lucy's eyes never left the warmth of the fires. Lucy turned and looked at him, "Do you have nightmares Peter?" And Peter smiled as he said, "All the time."

"How do you be happy when you have nightmares?"

"I know it's not real. Besides I've read books that dreams tell us what we think. Nightmares are really what we're afraid of"

"You think so? How do we feel safe from nightmares?"

Chuckling as the fire bit upwards and her face became clear to him, Peter noticed how beautiful her eyes were and he muttered back, "There's beauty in life. Too much beauty in fact that fear never really bothers me. I find it in books, in how life is beautiful when I wake up and am able to breathe. And I find it in your eyes. You're beautiful."

"Thanks. But aren't you afraid. Afraid....afraid if maybe there come true?"

"Of course silly. But that's life. Life is too beautiful to be afraid. I'm here. Are you scared now?"

"I'm not. But you would go away when the rain stops right? And the nightmares will come back."

"No, I won't. I'm not moving an inch. I'm sitting right here with you, see. I'll sit here with you as long as you like. I can hold your hand if it makes you better."

At this, Lucy smiled with Peter. The rain poured along with the nightmares on the outside but something else blossomed within as hands joined and nightmares vanished into the night.

That was the part of the story I wrote which I remembered. I hope she knows, I'm right here sitting with her. I'm not going anywhere. I love you baby. You are my reasons. You are all my reasons. I will be right here. Painting you smiles. Happy Friday baby.

PS. Bie, my new hobby is chasing away nightmares. I love you and you're beautiful. Nightmares might visit you but I will always be here to chase them away.

Living Today

If I should die this very moment, I wouldn't fear. For I've never known completeness like being here, wrapped in the warmth of you, loving every breath of you. Why live life from dream to dream?

~ Moulin Rouge



Perfection. That's what some people aim for and look for. Not just in themselves but also in things around them. The thing is that perfection means so many things to each person. To some, it can just be nothing disrupting their normal flow of the day and they're happy with that and call it perfection. To others, perfection is when they feel that everything falls into place, into spaces that should be and places that they expect. But in all truth, perfection is when things meet the standards set by that person.

For me, a day is perfect when everything I want to do or set out to achieve happens. It can be a day that is so full of happiness at every corner or just simply a day with sweet surprises that I'd never expected. I thought that was perfection. That was me before I met her. And then, things changed. It was irrelevant what happened in my normal spaces, as long as we were happy, it was perfect. As long as we held hands and saw the whole day as happy, it was perfection in every way.

Now, to me in a broader sense, she is perfect. To me, the definition of perfection is in everything her. That is why I fell in love. I remember this phrase she told me once when she described what she liked about me and I have my own reasons why I like her perfections too. I like the way she rubs her eyes and stretches herself in between sheets. I like the way she blinks then looks at me before her perfect lips reveal the sweetest smile which makes me worried I need to check my sugar levels everyday in case of diabetes. I like the way she slowly tugs herself on my shoulder and her legs lazily lay on mine after she smiles. I like the way she holds me close and feels comfortable as she looks for body warmth. And that is just the first five seconds of her waking up.

Every moment from the first her mind told her to wake up is my perfection. I even like the way she's shy to kiss me in the mornings and just wants warmth to start the day. All her self thought imperfections are the perfections that I see. And nothing in my heart says it better than this picture I chose for her. Yes, baby, I love you. You are perfect in all your imperfections and more so in mine. Today is beautiful and you are beautiful. I love you.

PS. Bie, I love you and while you're gone, I will wait for you, this imperfection waiting for his perfection. Can't stop thinking about you.

hungry for you

Without love, we are birds with broken wings. Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone. Love wins. Love always wins.

~ Tuesdays with Morris



I believe deep down that I was born to kiss you. I believe that when we are apart, distance only brings us closer because right now typing this, you're the only thing on my mind. I am hungry like you suspected. Very hungry for you.

Today has been a pure rush of events and there is a bit of me that wants to blame someone or something for not being able to spend time with you. I know it's silly and it was just a thought but I really do miss you. It's another day caught in between and in the middle of what looks to be hectic days ahead, I have time to just look at things around us and find some calm. I wish there was more I could do for you and for myself now.

Painting the end of today. I hope this post will paint you smiles in the morning. That by writing this, you would be able to take a peek at a heart that misses you and hopes to be by your side right now. Like Tuesdays with Morris, I believe we will never really fulfill the potential of everyday. For love sets you free and loving you, I see things I never saw before. I believe that by loving you and by having you as a purpose each day, I grow and learn to be a better man for both of us.

I'm doing my best to live today and I think although time was not too kind with me, I am very blessed to have seen your smile on a Wednesday. And baby, you asked me if you're beautiful and I answered on your everyday note. I wrote the first note and felt the words didn't really show you how I really feel and only the second could. But again shortly after that, I still felt that it was not enough. So I found you this picture baby. To tell you that you are truly the most beautiful woman of my life and my world. And I feel like shouting that to all the people that matter to me. Bie, you're beautiful today and I love you.

PS. Bie, I love you and approaching the end of another day, I hope this short and sweet notes can paint you a smile when you read it because when you smile, you are simply all my reasons.

just the two of us

Throughout life people will make you mad
Disrespect you and treat you bad
Let God deal with the things they do
Cause hate in your heart will consume you too
I love you and I'm here for you

~ Just the Two of Us, Will Smith



Today's beautiful and we're tired. She's tired from all that practicing and I'm tired from not being able to see her much to manja her. I'm right here waiting to love her and I believe that she's going to make to our today beautiful. Today, the lamb nearly organised a search and rescue mission after lion was kidnapped. Nobody and I mean nobody comes in between us especially terrorists. We just want to be happy together and every passing second is witness to that.

Thinking of how to pamper her now and at the end of today. My heart tells me that everyday is a window of opportunity to paint her a smile and that's what I woke up reminding myself to do. I'm starting to see more from her eyes and trying to understand more what makes her tick and what makes her happy. This is not because I'm out there trying to manipulate her but I'm here trying to exist in her life and being able to make her smile all the time.

When I was younger, I once heard a story of a boy and a girl who were lost in the woods. The boy grumbled often and made sour faces at every disappointing turn to a dead end or how long it seemed to be able to find the way out. The girl on the other hand had her share of miseries as well, blaming everyone and everything for the disaster they were in. They were just short of killing each other when they met an old man in the depths of the woods. Muttering as they passed by, the old man chuckled and tapped both on the shoulders.

Surprised at the presence of another person in the woods, they turned and asked for help. The old man muttered that he too was once like them and he too once had a partner that had got lost when they separated to find their own way out. He looked at them both and mentioned that the only way out was to trust in each other and work together. He held their hands together and said, find a way when it seems there is no way and it starts with a smile and a pinch of hope. Because the way appears and shows itself only to those who believed and are brave enough to face the future.

The boy and girl turned and looked at each other and noticed how beautiful it was that they were still together amidst being lost and not wandering around alone trying to find the way. They looked into each other's eyes, held hands and said they would find a way together when there seems to be no way. With each step, patience grew. With each dead end, they learnt trust and they learnt more about holding each other when times were bad. Each passing moment and each lane they passed was a sign and they knew they were getting closer to finding the way. With the final turn behind bushes, lo and behold, they finally saw light peeking into the woods.

Stepping out, finally escaping the dreaded woods, they saw before them the old man and this time he was not alone. He was there holding hands with an old woman. Smiling back, the old man said this, "I can not show you the way. I let go once but I found her when it mattered. I was lost once but she never let me go. We believed. It seems you too found the way." And the boy and girl were still holding hands.

PS. Bie, today is beautiful and everyday is a page waiting for us to fill with lines and chapters of us. I'm smiling for you, for us so hold my hand, we're going to learn and we're going to make everyday beautiful together.

leaving it to the stars

Annie Reed: Destiny is something we've invented because we can't stand the fact that everything that happens is accidental.
Sam Baldwin: You ask what was special about my wife? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic.

~ Sleepless in Seattle



I believe in destiny. That all things while not defined always changes based on what we choose to do with what has been given to us. I do not believe that fate has already been decided. I believe that each of us has multiple endings or multiple destinies that we determine ourselves. I believe that we decide on which ending that we see at the end. And everyday counts, we choose which fate takes place everyday of our lives. We all have choices and that makes all the difference.

Tonight, I'm sitting here deciding to paint everything happy as I wait for her to finish. I'm not by her side physically to be able to see her right now but I am happy because I know she has never left me. I choose to be happy because I know right now that she's happy. I do not see her with my own eyes but my heart tells me that she is. And I am happy because I believe in that. I did not always tell her or show her this and I regret this. But, I decided that things would have to change and I'm starting with everyday.

I see things about her, little things. And everything I see about her is special and I would very much like to be part of that. I just hope that she does see her happiness in everything in me too. I hope that I don't do things that upset her but that can not happen unless she sees the little things about me too and she sees me for who I am, as someone whose made up of little things that makes her happy. I know at times, she sees all these little things and it irritates her because she sees me but does not accept everything I do or who I am.

I wish that she sees me as someone who can make her happy. I hope that whatever sadness she has, I could make it go away for her everytime. I wish that whatever bothers her, I could carry it for her. I wish my smile and just me being with her can make her see that I have no intention of mocking her, making fun of her, bothering her nor do I want to be a pain. I just want her to be happy. And I want to stand with her. She will not read this for hours but I want her to now that I am always thinking how best to help her. Sometimes maybe I just need to walk away but will she know how I feel or what is it my heart feels when she's hurt?

I see her and I see happiness. She sees me and she sees whatever affects her at times. I am not enough to make her truly happy all the time. If she's happy, she sees me and things as happy but when she's sad, she sees me and things as sad. I hope one day I will have done enough, loved her enough that when she's sad, I will always be strong enough to be able to make her happy by myself. I don't want to be always her number one but I do hope she can be happy when she sees me happy for her at all times. I am not the hero that her heart deserves yet but in all my imperfections, I am believing and I'm holding her hand as we walk each moment. We love each other and we're just learning to live life together one day, one step at a time. I have my mistakes but what we have is time, what we need is to be patient and just learn and trust in love.

PS. Bie, do you hear me? Talking to you. Across the waters, across the deep blue ocean, under the open sky...oh my, baby I'm trying. I'm learning. I'm believing. I love you.

this thing called monday

Kat Ellis: You know what pisses me off? I've been spilling my guts all weekend and I don't know a thing about you.
Nick Mercer: [pause] I'm allergic to fabric softener. I majored in comparative literature at Brown. I hate anchovies. And I think I'd miss you even if we never met.

~ The Wedding Date



She said I'm sexy. I like to think that as long as it's real to her, I'm a happy man/hobbit. For seriously, my looks don't cut it and my moves are as awkward as a lamb being hunted down by a lion and if somehow in all my limitations and imperfections I can paint her a smile, I will always be happy. Today it's the start of another week and it's called Monday. Since everything that blew by us last week, I have started seeing things in a different light. It's not to say that I have loved her less but rather I have figured out ways to love her so that she's comfortable.

The weeks ahead will be hectic and I don't think we will see each other much. What matters is how to treasure and made these short moments, moments to be cherished. We will both miss each other more I hope during this hectic period so that when we meet each second becomes all the more precious. Hoping to get away from all the everyday noise and just be at peace. That's why the weekends are never enough. We never get enough of peace and just being in the moment with the people who matter to us.

I'm going to start each day just thinking of doing the important and right things. Be it with her, at work or at home. We have a DL list and I believe in that list. I believe that these are the things that really matter and things that I want to make my life complete. But these are just things. It's always her that make these things important. So I will live my life with this in mind, of the important things and her obviously. Just taking it one day a time. Maybe, just maybe like Nick Mercer, I think I will miss her even if I never met her.

PS. Bie, we'll walk each day and we will find joy in love. Love comes in all forms but mine to you, it comes from everything you. It's always about you. Because everything I need and everything I want is in you. You are all my reasons.

spending friday with your heart

Jamie: I'm scared of not being with you.
Landon: Oh baby, that'll never happen... I'll be here.

~ Take a risk. Dare to move. Love is a leap of faith. A WALK TO REMEMBER



It's finally Friday on a week I wish I could forget. We're going to see a play tonight and I am going to go home with her heart. The only regret is that I wished I could take her with me. She needs time. I need strength and I find it in believing. There is nothing to believe except in us and I do believe in us. All I want to do now is wait. So that when she comes looking for me when she's ready, I am right here. Waiting for her.

I woke up wishing that everything was over. I wished that everything would end and that by some miracle, everything would be clear for both of us.Surprising how everything comes back full circle. How at the start when she had to go away, she asked me if I would wait. And now, maybe that makes sense. I am waiting. Waiting for that smile to come running back.

PS. Bie, I love you. It's just that simple.

The road goes on

Then tomorrow we may all be dead, but how would that be different from any other day? This is a war, and we are soldiers. Death can come for us at any time, in any place. Now consider the alternative. What if I am right? What if the prophecy is true? What if tomorrow the war could be over? Isn't that worth fighting for? Isn't that worth dying for?

~ Morpheus, The Matrix Reloaded



This is a story which chapter no one knows how it would end. This is a story about a lion and a lamb. Maybe it was never meant to be, that they were never meant to be together. For even in the beginning, the lamb broke all three of the lion's rules:-

1) He was younger
2) He worked in the same company
3) He didin't know Mandarin

Everyone said that they should not be together and not many people gave this a chance. I am here today still fighting for my chance. She said things will change. That she will love herself more and she will not have the strength to love me as much as before. Did it really take her that much effort? Did I really demand too much from her that she was unhappy? I am still here believing. Maybe the only one.

And I think of Morpheus' words, that tomorrow we may all be dead but yes that would not be different from any other day. Everyday will be a war for me to win her back. And I am her soldier, her knight who has hurt her. Death can come for us at any time, in any place. Now I too consider the alternative. What if I am right? What if everything I believe in is true? What if tomorrow the war could be over? Isn't that worth fighting for? Isn't that worth dying for?

Hope, as the Matrix concluded, or rather the Architect concluded, hope, it's the single most delusion of strength and also weakness of mankind. I close my eyes and I see this vision. This vision of both of us being happy. This dream I'm seeing, probably I'm the only one seeing it right now. She doesn't believe in this although there is a small hope in her that remains and I have not stopped calling out to her hope. It's the climb for both of us.

'The Climb'

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

I have to believe that maybe tomorrow. Just maybe tomorrow, the pain will let her go. Just that I have this chance right now when I thought everything was lost. So it starts from the moment I woke up, to do the right thing, bit by bit. And she will see. I have to believe that she will see because I see this. In her eyes, I have hurt her, betrayed her very trust that she places on me, counting on me to always be there for her and I have destroyed everything she holds important. She does not deserve this and I can not undo the past. But I can be strong and do the right thing and make both of us smile again.

The road goes ever on. I have today and I pray for all the good that is in me, please let her smile because I want to smile too. I believe.

PS. Bie, if you ever feel ready to read this. I want you to know that I'm the one, that you were always right about me. I will make you the happiest and luckiest girl for real. One step at a time. Believe with me.

silly lamb sick lion

Bella Swan: I'm not afraid of you, I'm only afraid of losing you. I feel like you're gonna disappear.
Edward Cullen: You don't know how long I've waited for you. And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Bella Swan: What a stupid lamb.
Edward Cullen: What a sick, masochistic lion.

~ Twilight




Feeling really sleepy right now. Eyes barely being able to open. It's only a Tuesday but I'm already hoping that the weekend is here. Not so that I can see her more. Although there is some truth that I do want to spend more quality time with her, just being with her. But more so because I really want time to love her. Been really busy and have not been able to jot more for her each day. I really love you bie.

It must be stated that she likes Twilight, almost bordering on being in love with the movie and the book before I met her. And somehow, I ended up watching the same movie too. It's not really the movie, it was the time we spent enjoying the company of each other. That's really important, although I did enjoy it too :) the most important things are hard to explain, that's why it's called love.

Today, my baby's going to a photoshoot and I know she's going to look wonderful tonight. I don't need her to be wonderful though tonight, I need her to be rested and I need her to be safe in her sheets until morning. I wish I could always be her shoulder when she needs to lean on, that's why when I know she needs me now, I stand by her side as much as I can. I know she does not think stuff like this is important and maybe it will not touch her so much. But all that does not matter, what matters is, what do I do, what do we do with the time given to us. Even when I know she can't spend much time with me, I just want to be right here for her. That's the least I can do for her.

Baby, every second even when you're not physically present, I know you are near. I hope you feel the same too because my hand is always here waiting to hold yours. Smile for me baby, you're wonderful tonight.

PS. Bie, I love you. And if you ever need me, I'm right here for you.

you've got lamb

Baby Lion: What will Hobbit say today, I wonder. I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got blog. I hear nothing. Not even a sound, just the beating of my own heart. I have love. From you.

~ You've Got Lamb, 2009



Monday. Typing this all I'm saying in my mind is I love you. It's not only now that I'm saying it. But typing it out, you and the whole world knows this, that at this moment and right here right now, like always, only you matter. That just thinking of it, I hear my heart beat. And I listen to it speak. It calls your name. I love you baby. It's the start of the week, we got up late, watched as you drove with sleepy eyes and I was there pretending to sleep constantly looking at you.

And until this moment, all I can think about is you. I was hoping like You've Got Mail, in today's movie of You've Got Lamb, you are bored and you go online and you see this simple post. I know it's not much and it seems unimportant. But this is the most important thing that I will write today. And the wonder of it all is that the most important line is this sentence; I love you baby. I love you and that's all that matters.

Today's another day, the start of another week. Hold my hand baby. We'll going to paint each day beautiful. I'm going to step into another meeting in minutes but you have never left my mind. I have missed you since lunch and will continue to miss you after until I see you again. I know it's simple but it's all this simple heart has to say. And baby, you've got lamb.

PS. Bie, I cherish today and treasure you for being here every moment. You are beautiful baby. Love you.

Ten Things

Almásy: You're wearing the thimble.
Katharine: Of course. You idiot. I always wear it. I've always worn it. I've always loved you.

~ English Patient



It's a lazy Friday and all I want to do is roll around in sheets. Another end of the week. She says I always write the same thing. Simply because she's the same exact thing that I think and write for. Another week has come and gone and all there is to say again is I love you baby.

The sun was shining brighter this morning, a sure sign that the haze was reducing although just slightly but every breathe you take is important to me. We took a slow walk and you were looking beautiful in your kung fu pants and I was really tempted to hold your hand as we walked. There was a dead breeze and the airport was crowded today, more crowded this week I feel. Out of no where, this thought popped in my head. I was thinking of this question this morning. If I was stranded on an island, what are the ten things that I would choose to have, and I thought of these:

Item Number One: You. Of all objects breathing and not. Need to have you. Can survive without air for minutes, wihtout water for days, but without you, it's impossible to live.

Item Number Two: Tent/sleeping bag. Need a cover over your head. You don't like weather's that too cold at night and too hot in the day, a tent would be perfect once you're tired of lying and looking at the stars.

Item Number Three: Swiss Knife. If it gets too cold at night, need fire to keep your hands warm and you comfortable. Also useful, in hunting, preparing equipments and for carving your name in the sand.

Item Number Four: Bottle of wine. Hey. Everyone needs wine on a deserted island. Make that white wine. If we ever run out, there's still indigenous fruits to turn into wine.

Item Number Five: Torch light/candles. Often useful to signal for help but it's most useful to shine all your fears away and if it's candles, even better. What more than candles, deserted beach and you?

Item Number Six: Good music/wanted to say guitar but who's going to dance with her if I'm playin? :) Need good music instead of going crazy on the island and I'm definitely going to learn how to dance better than a drunken hippo on two feet.

Item Number Seven: First aid kit. In case you hit your head walking into a sign board and it's all my fault again :P

Item Number Eight: Clothes. Not that it matters but hope they left him a sexier outfit for her. Nice for long nights.

Item Number Nine: Clean storage to contain water. It all comes down to essentials in the end. The need to survive. Not sure how long we can survive on saliva though.

Item Number Ten: Glasses. Hopefully I can see you when you need to wander far. Don't really mind not being able to see other things though. You can be my eyes for the world.

That about wraps up the list. Missing you as I write this bie. Day is coming to an end, so want to hold your hand right now. Love you baby.

Smile for me Baby

Daniel: You know, Sammy, I'm sure she's unique and extraordinary, but... the general wisdom is that, in the end, there isn't just one person for each of us.
Sam: [referring to the Titanic film] There was for Kate and Leo. There was for you. There is for me.
[Holds up one finger]
Sam: She's "the one".
Daniel: Fair enough.

~ Love Actually



Before you ask me why "Love Actually" again. I just want to say that picture says it all. You are perfect. And this wasted useless heart loves you. That's all that matters. I just needed another excuse, another reason to tell you the truth, that you are my reasons. You are all my reasons. You told me that you're not feeling enough love. You said you were emotional. But this is the truth, if you do not feel you are the happiest and luckiest woman on earth, then there is something I am not doing right. Am that something is that I really am loving you with everything that a man can give, a lamb can do and everything that this person, this idiot does is just to make you smile this sweetest smile.

You asked me if I love you. Here's the truth baby. I don't just love you. You're the one, the perfection in all my imperfection, the love of my life so I don't just love you. I love you with every breathe that my God has given me today, I love you so much that it hurts when you do not know, I love you so much that if you'd only know how much, you will smile endlessly. So this is the simple message for today, I will say it again and again. You're number one in my life and number one in my heart. And I love you more than anything else in this world. Hold my hand baby, you're beautiful. You make my every second beautiful. You complete me, you luckiest and happiest woman in the world.

PS. Bie, don't tell me it's okay. Nothing's okay when you're even a bit not that happy as you deserve to be. I love you and let me keep painting this perfect smile for you.

One Day at a Time

Jonathan: Happy anniversary.
Sara: When did you get to be so unimaginably romantic?
Jonathan: I think that it's good luck that we return this year to the scene of the crime. (pours a paper cup of champagne) Cheers.
Sara: Cheers.
Jonathan: This is the ultimate blend to drink. How'd you find this place?
Sara: I first came in because of the name: Serendipity. It's one of my favorite words.
Jonathan: It is? Why?
Sara: It's such a nice sounding word for what it means: a fortunate accident.

~ Serendipity



One Day. At a time.

Maybe the answer is just that simple. Nobody knows how long we will live. And somehow despite how fragile our lives are, we tend to take things for granted and not really appreciate the time given to us. Today's another slow long day. She said it's maybe because she's not around. Maybe.

Her smile means a lot to me. And today's empty without it. Maybe that's why like she said, time makes fun of us all the time. There are times that time teases us like how long forever and ever may seem and it becomes scary. Or how some times when I can't see you, time seems to drag on.

But the thing is this. Time always slows down when you appear. I might be the only person on earth that realises that you're the most wonderful woman on earth that just stepped into the room. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and in all the small things you try to do, you are simply wonderful. I think most people miss that about you, because they don't see it, they're not looking. And I watch them, wondering how they can watch you walk pass in their lives, and speak to them and they never get or understand that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

Every single time, you get lost and confused, I sit there looking at you. And I see the most wonderful woman in pain and there's nothing I can do and it's painful in so many ways. I see tears roll from those beautiful eyes down those perfect cheeks. And they roll so fast sometimes that I can barely catch them. But that's okay. Because the most important thing is that we're facing everything together rain or shine. This is not a post about being sad but this is a post about hope. That you are still this perfection that I see. That I will always be there so you can stop asking when I will not be. That I will always not be bored and I will always wait for you. So take your time.

Serendipity. A fortunate accident. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we do not see all the reasons. No one knows what is right and wrong all the time or why most things happen. What we do need to know is how to keep living life with every second we have. Maybe it was a moment that was meant to be, the moment when you stepped right into my life right in front of my eyes. Things happen and we can't control what happens or do we know what will happen in the future but today is the present, and it's a present that is meant to be treasured. What we can do, is to decide what to do with the time that has been given to us. My choice is you.

I wish that the most important things in life were for sale. Things like trust and belief. I would like to buy her a few kgs of trust for a baldie and a few pounds of belief for a lamb. The most important things in life however, can not be bought. They must be earned. Day by day, one day at a time. I love you.

PS. Bie, one day at a time. One step at a time and when we look back, it just seems so much more amazing how much more life has for us. So just keep walking and keep smiling. Believe.

Monday Blues

One of the reasons I came back was to remember why I started dancing in the first place. When I'm dancing with you I remember.

~ Another Cinderella Story



It always seems to rain on Mondays. It doesn't rain water but with news and it's often bad. They call it the Monday blues. Not so sure how blue is associated to the word bad but it sure is the Monday blues today. We just had a great near perfect weekend again and something always comes up. She's sad right now and it's raining. The thing that makes it worse is that there is nothing that I can do right now to take away her sadness or this feeling that makes her want to cry. It's the start of another day, another week but somehow nothing seems right.

There is this story of the North Wind and the Sun. The North Wind and the Sun were arguing who was the stronger of the two. In order to battle it out, the North Wind and the Sun agreed between them that they should do no harm and the winner would be decided by which was able to make a passing traveler remove his cloak. The north Wind eager to show his might began first. However hard the North Wind blew at the traveler, the traveler only wrapped his cloak tighter which left the North Wind completely furious. But when it was the Sun's turn, and the Sun shone, the traveler was overcome with heat and had to take his cloak off.

There's a lot of wind blowing all around her now. And she's hugging on tighter and keeping all her sadness inside her. All I can do is be her sun and shine for her. All that a silly lamb can do is shine all the love in the world so that she releases all this sadness inside her. the sadness will never disappear just like that but at least she knows that she's not facing all these alone. Life is never perfect nor is it about chasing perfection. Life is about living it. It's about coming to terms that not everything will go your way but inspite of all the madness, you come to appreciate the highs and lows of life.

There's a low in her life right now but baby, you're not alone. You will never be. I will stand with you and it will shine all the more brighter. I don't write everyday anymore but one thing for sure is that these same words still hold true everyday of our lives. Simply, I love her and she loves me. Today's another day, another step in our life, it's sad but we're still holding hands. And we're going to see the sunrise again.

PS. Bie, I love you. That's all that matters. Whatever sadness you have, I would ask for it. But since it is yours, I'm here to share it with you. Hold my hand. You're all my reasons.