Writing Lyrics

Not too long ago and just a short while away
A dream came true, and came to stay
She came from not too far away
And said she was to sit where she may

The seat she chose was not too far away
In fact, it was just in front of my face
Her eyes were what swept me away
Since then, It locked me good, it locked me tight,
And everytime it feels so awfully right

She gave a hug to a hobbit
The first kiss was after a vomit
"Forever yours," I said to her
She held my hand and said we'll stay together

She called me baby
I giggled in delight
For who would not in ones sunlight
She's my elf, the Evil Janet that makes my life so bright

I was made for treasuring you
I was made to say I do;
I love everything about you
I will always love that thing you do

Baby, it's hard to talk to you
You keep taking my breath away with you
If there was one word I would have to describe you
It would be perfect, I love you

Baby please don't ever go
I want the whole world to know
that you are my baby, my shooting star
Baby, you just don't know how special you are

Baby im so blessed to have a love like you
and if i let you go
I won't know what to do
I will always remain true to you

We made a list
We made more plans
Until the day we never stop holding hands
The road goes on it never ends

Let our promise ring ever true
Because I will grow old with you
You are never too far away
Because our love is here to stay

The day nears when it will be just you and me
I can only imagine just how happy we will be
That day that we are finally together
The way we will stay always and forever

the right smile on a Tuesday

" Don’t say we aren't right for each other, the way I see it is… We aren't right for anyone else.”

~Cutting Edge



When I miss you, I listen to music or look at pictures of you. Not to remind me of you but to make me feel as if I’m with you. It makes me forget the distance and capture you. You are there, a few thousand miles away and the way I miss you should not be measured in miles or hours but it should be measured by how much my life is missing a whole part of it because of you.

Just remember baby, that somewhere there is someone that dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile. So when you are lonely, remember it’s true that someone somewhere is thinking of you. When you suddenly sneeze in the heat of Hangzhou, you should know that theres a fool thinking about you. If you think missing me is hard, then you should try missing you. Yes, I am a fool for you in so many ways. Yes, I have been accused by you of sweet talking you at the most unexpected times. But also yes, this is the whole truth, I love you berry berry much and I think about you all the time.

I've actually been writing this for the last thirty minutes, getting distracted and all that in between. Maybe its also difficult to write when you're not around. I find it hard to find meaningful words and challenging to build beautiful sentences. Like you, I too do not know how to smile. For there is none. But baby, we got to smile. Simply because we have each other. You are on foreign ground in a place some say is the most beautiful in China. Let me be the reason why you should be smiling today because you definitely are mine. Smile because we are still walking this path even a few thousand miles apart. Smile because it hurts when we can not see each other and when we both mean so much to each other. Smile baby because I love you and you know its true.

This morning started gloomy, the cars zipped by because its the school holidays and traffic in notorious Cheras is surprisingly taking a break. Maybe the traffic gods have mercy on me, and decided not to add to my sadness when you're away. There were no chirping birds or open skies though, maybe I wasn't paying enough attention. I sat in bumblebee today and felt a slow tingle of cold up my spine. I could imagine your hand on my gear changing them as I hit my clutch. I would look to you and you would smile. Today I spent five minutes looking at where you would sit. I could almost touch you baby. And for the first time today baby, I smiled.

PS. Bie, even when there are no reasons, let me be all your reasons to smile. Luv you and let it last a lifetime because I will always smile for you like you will for me.

how much do I love you again?

" Take love, multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of forever..and you still have only a glimpse of how I feel for you."

~ Meet Joe Black



I remember a time when you asked me for a few days in a row how much I love you. I remember also telling you that its hard to quantify and difficult to describe because it grows each day more and more. Maybe now, maybe now that I just can't simply drop by and see your face, I know. Its nearly the end of the first half of the day and I did three things today; miss you, miss you, and miss you. Yes, in some ways its always about you, in fact everything is always about you.

I thought that with every trip you go away it would not be so painful. I was both right and wrong. Wrong because the pain is still there and grows stronger by the minute. Right because with every trip, I have more memories to fill the gaps and embrace each time. The memories, it doesn't take away the pain but it allows me to remember you more with smiles than the thought of not having you here with me.

I think I'm childish in some ways, good ways - especially when it comes to loving you. Childish because like a kid who loses something so important, I simply can not focus or think of a reason why. I become so self incompetent, so incapable of living without you. And thats just for a second, not to mention five days in a row. Yes, I do function and breathe but everything and I mean everything pales without you. It fades and everything seems so wrong. The food sucks, I get pissed off easily, I ignore the world constantly and I only smile when I think about us.

When you're gone, I don't seem to notice time too much. I care more about the days that goes by closer to when you're coming back than the hours of the day. Strange, I always thought that I would want the minutes to fly until Friday. I think its because everything is irrelevant until you appear again in my life. I was thinking of something beautiful about this post on the way to the airport this morning but I had to slap myself up because like other days, and like I've mentioned in other posts like a broken record, there is nothing beautiful with you being away.

I have a plan baby and this plan involves smiling like an idiot with you for a lifetime. Somehow, with you being away, this plan is not working today and I find many mistakes and flaws in this plan when I do not see you around. So I have an even better plan, please smile when you read this because I know I will smile to know that you're smiling. I have words, and these words are all I can think of to make you smile when I'm not by your side. I'm not going to ask you to take care because you can manage that quite competently and I'm rather silly to ask you to miss me because its a given. But please, smile for me baby because I'm going to try and smile for you too. Its a Monday and I'm hating this week already but with a smile of course. I love you baby.

PS. Bie, each time I miss you, a star falls down from the sky. So, if you look up at the sky tonight and find it dark with no stars, it's all your fault. You make me miss you too much baby. How much you ask? Like it hurts like hell.

over and over again...

Grace Stamper: Baby, do you think its possible that anyone else in the world is doing this very same thing at this very same moment?
A.J.: I hope so, otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save?



I think I'm improving my repertoire of skillsets. I can safely add morning wakeup calls to my ever growing list of skills now. Shes so beautiful today which seems to be a given now and on days like today when she can't stop smiling, even my tired eyes don't seem to be bothering me much. My nose has been sniffing and I blame it on not being able to smell her nearby now. Another perfect weekend waved us goodbye and frankly, it still feels like a Sunday. I've been letting the clouds drift me away into the Vatican, into space and into warm sheets. Her eyes are so dreamy to stare at that shes been captivating me the entire weekend and I still can't get enough of her. The passion between us seems to be reaching a whole new untouched level. The only thing that bothered me about her upcoming June trips last week seemed to have vanished during the two days of rest.

Watching Armageddon with her despite only having a fan in my living room is something else. We caught two movies in a row in a single day and still spending two full days with her seems lacking so much. Not lacking of her of course, but lacking on a Monday morning when I started missing her the moment I started walking into the IT department. I would like to state that I insist on spoiling her and demand that she expect higher standards from me. From the way I love her, to the way I manja her to the way that we live out our everyday. For someone so perfect, she has every right to demand perfection from an imperfect person and there is nothing more that would make me happy than to paint her that perfect smile.

Her smile lit up my day today and her hand on mine was a brush of warmth that no sunshine can ever buy. She says she found her jackpot while for me, shes my greatest treasure that I know I will ever find. I think everything happens for a reason. I do not see any greater reason for her other than my greatest ups and downs in my life. We're deciding on diving although I'm a wuss and can't swim. We've living our dreams together and theres nothing more perfect than holding her hand and seeing the world through our eyes. We're rewriting our chapters of our lives as we go along and every line seems all the more sweet with each passing second. Do not know what we have around the next corner of our road, but I'm not afraid and I truly believe that as long as we continue to hold hands, anything is possible; my greatest triumph, all my reasons, my everything.

PS. Bie, start drawing up that list and start counting those jumping out of the car ;P

My angel?

I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.

City of Angels



Nicholas Cage, plays Seth, an angel who watches over those who are dying and leads them to the next life. He and one of his fellow angels, Cassiel like to ask people what their favourite thing in life was when they escorted them to the other side and they never really understood humans. That is until Seth meets Maggie, played by Meg Ryan. Seth decides to fall and be mortal and in turn be human in order to love her. Maggie is taken away in a cruel traffic accident but not before she tells him that when shes asked what her favourite thing was, she would answer Seth. Cassiel visits Seth after and asks if Seth had regretted himself choosing to fall to which Seth replied the above.

Its a Thursday and its another beautiful day. Theres a lot of noise going around us and sometimes we both find ourselves distracted. I try to keep a clean focus on everything everyday but with her, its so difficult. I'm holding her hand today and she insists on pampering me so much. I remember once she smsed me that she takes care of her things and belongings well. And I remember that if I did not want to fall into West Lake, I should decide to belong to her. Right now, the only thing I regret not doing was making her more happy every second and that I should only be concerned about belonging to her for a lifetime. Like Seth, I would rather have a moment with her than a lifetime without her, you are my angel.

Theres so much to worry about in life. But with her, with her close by, she says I'm perfect. Maybe because she didin't know I had to be brave for us even when I too was afraid. Maybe she didin't know that I was not smart enough in many things but had to be smart. And maybe she didin't know how imperfect I was but all along she was making me a better man. I am afraid most times, that I would not know how to make her smile. That she would shut me out from her world. But today like every other day, shes so determined to make me feel special. So focused on making me the centre of her universe. Inspite the fact that shes easily distracted and easily loses focus herself, she has never failed to put me as the main focus in everything. Be it from msn that she does not take seriously, to the meals that she prepares, to the times she would want me so much to know that I'm important and I matter more than other things. And for the times that I have failed her in all those moments, I am not perfect.

I do not apologise but baby, you complete me. With you, we are perfect. I do not promise to be perfect but I promise that you have my whole heart in all things big or small and I will always be here for you. In the clouds of uncertainty to the sunshine that we feel together, my hand never left yours baby. Where I fail, you have been there to make it perfect. Where I left things in a mess, you make it perfect. Despite all my failings, you still see me as perfect. And for all that, thank you for making the "mistake" of choosing me. Let me cherish you and love you for a lifetime.

PS. Baobei, let me always treat you like the baby and the treasure that you are.

the long day

I was born to kiss you.

Only You. I love you without knowing how, why, or even from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride. I love you because I know no other way then this.

Robin Williams, Patch Adams



There's an Italian painter named Carlotti, and he defined beauty...He said it was the summation of the parts, working together in such a way that nothing needed to be added, taken away, or altered, and thats you, you're beautiful. Been texting you the whole morning but haven't received any from you and I think you must be really busy. Just got off a conversation on the steps moving forward in social media but you were right there in my mind admist all the talks and so on. Wondering if I'm there in yours at this busy moment.

You came by to melt my heart this morning before rushing off but I've never stopped missing you since the moment my eyes opened to see the day. I saw you for a short while and baby, you're beautiful. Trying to find a meaning to smile to when you're not here right now and to find a way to show you I love you despite the noise thats all around. I find today very uninspirational, its like I do not know what to tell you on a beautiful day. Maybe its because you're close but not around.

Todays been slow and the pace has been awfully unkind similar to whenever you're not around. Waiting for lunch where we can meet. Its days like these that you wish you never had to see, especially when you are simply all my meaning there is to be. I feel I'm missing something so important, but I cannot place what it is. Something has not felt right the entire day. People say that its all in your mind, that everything is just a play of the mind, thats why you feel lost. Truth of the matter is, I feel lost without you and todays going to be a long day. But it is going to be beautiful with you as part of it because you're still holding my hand.

PS. Baobei, thinking about you every second of the day.

Pursuing "Happyness"

I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

When Harry Met Sally



If Harry could say that to Sally, heres what I would like to say to you on a beautiful Friday morning,

I love that your hand gets cold when the air con in the car is turned on and you hold mine to feel warm. I love that it takes you fifteen minutes to put on your make-up in the morning. I love that you roll your eyes when I'm looking at you while I'm driving. I love that after I spend a day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I close my eyes at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because I don't see you everyday. I'm here today because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Blinked my eyes again and its the end of another week already. Shes so beautiful today. I think that loving her has been a privilege and a blessing that at times I do not deserve. She keeps on insisting on making my every morning perfect. How do I not be contented with that? She keeps me falling in love on a daily dosage and shes adding more from time to time. Its the end of business day and the start of a weekend. And like I keep telling her, all I need every second is her love.

Will Smith mentioned this in 'The Pursuit of Happyness', which I strongly feel like telling the world right now, "This part of my life... this part right here? This is called "happyness." How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye every night so hard.

PS. Bie, you make driving so hard as well.

holding her hand on a Thursday

Jerry: Hello. I'm looking for my wife. Alright. If this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen. I'm not letting you get rid of me. How about that? This used to be my specialty. I was good in a living room. Send me in there, I'll do it alone. And now I just... I don't know...but our little company had a good night tonight. A really big night. But it wasn't complete, it wasn't nearly close to being in the same vicinity as complete, because I couldn't share it with you. I couldn't hear your voice, or laugh about it with you. I missed my wife. We live in a cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors, I love you. You complete me. And I just...
Dorothy: Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello.



I was thirteen when I first saw Jerry Maguire. I still remember the phone conversation when Jerry (Tom Cruise) dialled wanting to speak to his estranged wife, Dorothy (Renee Zellweger) and he said that she completed him. Dorothy said that Jerry had her simply at hello, that the rest was not necessary. Sometimes, words are not necessary. I figured that out some time ago but what should I do when words are all I have to take her heart away and keep her falling in love with me?

Its a Thursday. The week seemed to have flew by in the blink of an eye. Its like I've been holding her hand while being sucked into this time zone whirpool and the seconds just keep slipping by us. Blink again and its the weekends again and the end of another week. She said it best that its been a rollercoaster but the weekends always brings some calm to us and its exhilirating to just do nothing but look at her for as long as time allows me to. These two days have been slow drives to the office, taking in as much time as I could since I'm no longer zipping along the highway at breakneck speed in between cars as I no longer try to break new record times each morning. I feel more calm now since imposing my own speed limit.

Haven't drove her for two days now and my eyes have just been taking in the sights, the early morning break of dawn that splits the clouds to the blast of Hitz.fm on the radio. And as Halo was on the radio, I couldn't help but smile as I thought of my baby in bed. Switched it to mute and dialled her number. Heard an angel in the morning and was driving my way again past the hills, back to the office where I would see her again in a few hours. I always think of what to write when I'm navigating to the airport. My heart wants to say so much but how to make her fall in love with me again today? Its a fair distance and gives me time to plan the day ahead. Today, I'm planning on painting her a smile that won't go away the entire morning. Not sure if I can do it, but its worth a try.

Besides the dialogue from Jerry Maguire, I still remember the catch phrase from the movie; that the journey is everything. I do believe that my life begins now. It ain't easy to love someone perfect but you live by it day by day, one step at a time.

PS. Bie, you complete me.

You are my only one

Wei Yi

Wo de tian kong duo mo de qing xi
tou ming de cheng luo shi guo qu de kong qi
qian zhe wo de shou shi ni dan ni de xiao rong que kan bu qi

shi fou yi ge xing xing bian le xing
chong qian de yuan wang ye quan dou gei pao qi
zhiu jing wowu fa hu xi lian zhi ji de ying zhi dou xiang tao bi

Baby ni jiu shi wo de wei yi liang ge shi jie dou bian xing
hui qi tan he rong yi
que ding ni jiu shi wo de wei yi du zhi dui zhe dian hua shuo wo ai ni
wo zhen de ai ni
Baby wo yi bu neng duo ai ni yi xie

qi shi zao yi chao guo le ai de shi xian

This song by Wang Lee Hom roughly tranlates as "My Only One". To be honest, my Mandarin is laughable limited to the basics that probably any kid would know. Heck, even kids would laugh at me. But this song does mean something and pulls my heart everytime I hear it. I heard it under the stars holding her hand dancing to the waves. I heard it again when she sang it meaning it for me. I really love you Baby. I cannot love you more than this. Actually, it has already passed the limit of love. Baby you're my only one.



Chris Nielsen: I forgive you.
Annie Nielsen: For killing my children and my sweet husband?
Chris Nielsen: For being so wonderful, a guy would choose hell over heaven just to be around you.

What Dreams May Come is a 1998 film about soulmates Chris (Robin Williams) and Annie (Anna Sciorra) are a married couple who following death of their two children in a car accident results in Annie isolating herself and becoming mentally unstable from guilt, and is sent to a mad house. After four years the couple reconciles, but on the anniversary of the event, Chris is killed in a car accident, finding himself in heaven.

Despite the paradise he is in, Chris is unhappy without Annie. When she commits suicide in guilt over Chris' death, she is sent to Hell. Adamant that they belong together, Chris decides to risk eternity in hell for the small chance that he will be able to bring her back to heaven.

I think I see a lot of her in Annie, that feels guilty over a lot of things that she does not mean too. I'm definitely not as noble as Chris who in the darkest hour decides to stay in hell for her before she remembers him at the end. But I remember that this is a journey of faith and its not ending until the lifetime is over. She asked me how long I would wait and when I asked her the same, she said four years. I told her I will wait for as long as it takes and I do not think human years is a measurement tool worth using. There is no number worth giving her nor do I plan to. Shes afraid that shes wasting my time and holding me back. I do not think so, not when I believe she will smile at the end. Loves like that, it intrigues you, pulls you and does not let you leave.

I refuse to blame her and she should stop feeling guilty because its no one's fault and nobody is to feel bad. The only feeling that should be permitted to linger is love. Redemption - Thats what I'm looking for. To take away her pain. Make her believe. Its not like I'm pushing myself or pressuring myself to make this happen. Its just another step in the relationship and I'm right here for her to work out the ruffles that appear.

Her hands tell me that she does not want me to leave. So I do not plan to because my heart does not want to. I sit back and think most of the time on how do we keep walking forward. The only way is to take it one step at a time. Keep believing and never stop loving. Simple formula and driving today just being there for her, nothing feels so right. I do not know where we're heading tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, the next ten years but as long as we both believe and keep holding on, things will always be beautiful.

Todays special like everyday I'm holding her hand, and its a commitment of being together for another day. Its to tell her that shes my only one inspite of all the hurt we've both been through. No matter what, shes the one through the good times and bad, smiles and the pain, there is no other that I want other than her. If only words could tell more than that, I would have found them to tell her. You are my one, my everything.

PS. Baby ni jiu shi wo de wei yi

Paris maybe?

Tae-young: If we had not met in Paris, do you think we still would have ended up together?
Ki-joo: Most likely we would have.



She told me that this was her most favourite Korean drama. Of course I was curious about Lovers in Paris by then. Came in to check the emails which flooded the inbox and had I not forced myself to on Saturday night, today would have been a complete disaster. Been fighting to find time to at least figure out and check out the drama which she spoke about with so much joy. Finally, managed to sit still and complete reading the synopsis and endless love letters of the fans of the series and concluded that I would like to spend a few weekends just watching it with her.

Its back to Monday again. Another start of a week. She told me to take it easy this week. That I should probably rest more to love her when she tired. Do not buy much of that but feel that she needs her own space now that things are back to normal so didin't bother to argue at all. Love as I've come to understand, is more than three words you whisper or mumble all the time. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day. Feel that I need to also stop talking about love so much. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing although its absolutely true. What you feel only matters to you. It is what you do to the people you love; that's what matters. That's the only thing that counts.

Think I need to love her more also in the times that I'm not able to be around her. During the times when she needs her spaces and the times when she does not need me so much. Started out wanting to write about last weekend, about perfection. But, whats the use of writing of something perfect? I'm more glad that we had the time to reconclice everything and talk, just heart to heart. I think its extremely important to be open and we managed to go past the hurdles still holding on strong, finding out more and just exploring the relationship further. I feel more commited to her than ever today. Woke up, did the same ritual and fell in love deeper than yesterday which is something I have come to expect naturally now. Drove my car out and narrowly avoided my brother's car which he so sensitively parked so close to mine, thanks brah, appreciate the assistance, and started thinking of the day ahead.

Right now, completing this, its nearly midway through the day and I'm still lost in her. I think sometimes of the quote question from Tae-young. If she has not moved in front of me, would I have fallen in love? I have my answer. Jo Sung Mo. Its the name of the theme song for Lovers in Paris. It means "Only You".

PS. Bie, Jo Sung Mo.

the only logic is love

John Nash: What truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me to the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. I have made the most important discovery of my career - the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reason can be found. I am only here tonight because of you.
[looking at and speaking to Alicia]
John Nash: You are the only reason I am. You are all my reasons. Thank you.



Its funny how I'm writing my second post for you today. Maybe my mind wanders too freely at home thinking about you. Maybe its more me that wants to be with you right now. Theres so much that I want to tell you and theres so much that I want to do with you. Getting up from a short nap, I felt time passed so fast only to get up and realise that its still so long until we meet again today.

Writing this, I guess the thing that I wanted to tell you most is that I will be here holding your hand. I'm cherishing this moment and theres so much left for us to do. For now, you love me very much and tomorrow that feeling might be gone. But I want to stand with you now when it matters. Logic in the common word says that you or me might just leave at any time. But the only logic I find is that I want to be with you for a lifetime. And for the moment, thats all that matters. We get lost at times, but love will find us the way back when we stray from the path.

Life is more than mathematical reasoning and love is the only logic for me that will hold true to the end admist all the noise and all the confusion that the world throws. That is my belief. And I hope in time, it will last. She wants me to be true to her and not give her false hopes when there is none. I do not promise you that everything will be fine when I promised forever for no one can. But what I do promise is that our love will give you protection not fear in the darkest of our time. It takes time and we have all the time in the world to ourselves to cherish this. I do not need to make you trust and believe me. Our love will handle that end. I am only here typing this because of you.

All I need to worry about is how do I love you more and how do I keep making you fall in love with me. Because we need to live one day at a time. My heart tells me that its important to also think about a lifetime but for now, let me be here for you one day at a time. You are the only reason I am. You are all my reasons. Thank you for loving me.

walking with you

Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby they are tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But, I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had, you break it
It's the risk that I'm taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had, you break it
It's the risk that I'm taking
I'm never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
I pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....
Halo, ooh ooh.....
Halo, ooh ooh, ooooh........

Its so easy to sing of love and to write love stories because its always easier to imagine what it would be like to experience perfect love. To imagine what it would feel like, what it should taste like. But living it is definitely not easy. Especially when hurt is involved.

"I want a humane answer. A more logical, rational answer"

"But I'm telling you what I'm thinking. Not putting on a show"

Shes afraid of getting hurt. Maybe shes been hurt too much. She wants to prepare herself for the day I let her down. Thinking about it, it is funny yet painful on several levels. Nothing can prepare you for anything. She broke down her walls but didint let me in through the door. The only way then, is to keep knocking with a sincere heart until the day she opens. It takes time, patience, understanding, always being there for each other and of course a lot of love.



Love is something like this picture above. Its about two locks, opening up which they should not be because locks are meant to keep things in and well, locked. But when you open and when both locks meet, you see beauty. You do not know if it will be beautiful or even if the locks are a perfect match. But like love, locks are not meant to be like logic and rational. Love does not operate on the same rules. There are no safety nets. Its the same in life, we think we are in control, but we are only creating illusions for ourselves. Love is another platform of believe to not create illusions but rather to believe where logic and rational will not take you. Holding someone's hand is not easy. How do you learn to trust? I wish I had an answer. Perhaps the answer was the same when I asked what did she love about me.

There is no answer. Only belief. Love is like that. You fall in love over reasons that defeat all logic and reasoning. Learning to trust then is another leap of faith. Learning to trust with everything is something else. Waking up today, its another day. Another day to love and to be with her. I'm counting my days as blessings. I think what makes her afraid is that she has no control. Nobody has total control over anything. But no matter the reasons, I will always be here walking with her, holding her hand. For another day. One day at a time.

PS. Bie, missing you singing our song for me.

still waiting...

Daniel: Tell her that you love her.
Sam: No way! Anyway, they fly tonight.
Daniel: Even better! Sam, you've got nothin' to lose, and you'll always regret it if you don't! I never told your mom enough. I should have told her everyday because she was perfect everyday. You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over 'til its over.



Typing this out, I'm feeling slightly delusional. My fever is still under control. My heads stopped spinning when I saw her this morning, maybe the two panadols helped but it completely vanished when she held my hand. There was not the usual warmth but it was good enough to chase the headache away and that says something. My eyes are still burning but its stopped being watery. My throat is flaring but thats expected. I must avoid getting the flu. So what am I doing again? I'm here at the office, to walk with her for another day, and maybe just maybe, be able to see my baby again.

On all rational counts, I should be in bed on MC. I can't afford to. Not at this moment when shes lost. I will pay for this later tonight but thats tonight. This is now. I'm practically willing myself to keep believing even when my body fails me. Seeing her today, shes keeping it better under wraps but the pain is still the same. I can sense it. Her smiles more beautiful but thats because shes no longer tired enough to drown in the hurt. She tells me that the pain will disappear, yeah I thought, disappear into your mind and always be there for sure.

I'm popping mints into my mouth at this point thinking how best to walk with her today. I need the mints because when I'm sick, my body flares up hot and my breath suffocates me and makes me weak. The mint helps a lot at times like these, to distract me and secondly, to keep my jaws not so uptight. I'm driving on empty right now, my mind is telling my body to do what it takes. This road can never be walked alone. You do not wish problems away or sleep hoping they disappear. You have to confront it head on as painful as it may be. I refuse to take her for granted. Her pain is mine, its ours. She will never face anything alone.

She tells me not to try so hard but if I do not believe when she does not, who else will believe? She tells me not to try so hard but all I'm doing is being here for her. Refusing to take her for granted. If we have a problem, we will face it together. I have to be strong for both of us. Shes in pain. I'm in pain. So I need to stand with her right now. I need to take away this hurt inside her thats gnawing at her chest. I need to try harder to make her believe again. I'm scared and my confidence has left me. All I have is belief. Belief in our love that will carry us through this obstacle.

PS. Bie, I'm here for you. Always.

i wonder why...

I've got to keep breathing. Because tomorrow, the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?

Tom Hanks ~~ Cast Away



No matter where I run to, I always end up here. Writing for her in the sanctuary of my mind away from the noise and the hurt. Its painful typing this post because I know it will not bring her the smile she wore for me yesterday. Nor do I think it will make her fall in love the way she was yesterday. Have absolutely no idea when she will smile her sweet smile for me or when will she look at me with the same eyes again. She says shes chasing perfection. I've never thought how loving her and always putting her before me always would upset her so much. Guess I'm not perfect afterall. But it was beautiful while it lasted in her eyes.

Its always a shatter in the glass of my heart when she takes away her love. I can feel it. And she does it in so many ways. She tries to pretend nothing changes and swallow the overwhelming emotions but her eyes don't lie neither does her touch. It was cold on the morning of May the 5th, 2009. And I think it won't go away in a day or two. Will have to mend a broken heart of my own while she hides her love from me. Maybe it would be best for me to stay away, at least she indicated the same to me earlier on a crisp Tuesday morning which would have been beautiful had she been smiling. Her smile was empty and her eyes were elsewhere today. There was no magic in my day and its been missing until now.

Writing this down, it doesn't solve anything but it does allow my heart to speak its mind admist all this uncertainty. She spoke the truth when she said that there is nothing I could do. And that makes it all the more painful. What would she have me do? Love her less? Put myself first? Would she do the same? Then, why tell me to do the impossible?

Thinking about the tears dripping like silver drops from the petal dews in the morning. It was hauntingly beautiful but it struck a chord of sadness that will not go away from my heart either so soon. Did I hurt her so much? Is there really nothing I can do? Do not think she wants to see me soon and its going to be lonely days ahead. Maybe I should shut myself from all the noise. Maybe all I need to do is tell her I love her and just believe.

PS. Bie, I have thought long and hard but still could find no words to say to make u better. Luv u.

meeting her again...

Daniel (Liam Neeson): You know, Sammy, I'm sure she's unique and extraordinary, but... the general wisdom is that, in the end, there isn't just one person for each of us.
Sam (Thomas Sangster): [referring to the Titanic film] There was for Kate and Leo. There was for you. There is for me. [Holds up one finger]
Sam: She's "the one".
Daniel: Fair enough.



Love Actually is a romantic comedy that follows eight couples in a loosely and interrelated tale all set during a frantic month before Christmas in London. Love Actually speaks about love in all aspects and how they encountered, treasured and came to embrace it. It came out in 2003 starring all the big names in British cinema from Hugh Grant, Keira Knightly, Liam Neeson, Bill Nighy, Emma Thompson, Alan Rickman and the other whos who. Heck, they even had Billy Bob Thorton as the US president. Was actually thinking of the third date we had where we had this impromptu getaway to watch Taken which starred Liam Neeson. Truly griefing to hear that his wife passed away lately and Love Actually was actually all about love which must be sad when you equate his passing of his wife and his excellent take on love in Love Actually.

Its finally Monday and I'm twindling my thumbs after finishing my required monthly reports. Thinking of something beautiful to tell her and of course something beautiful to scribble for her here when she gets back. Truth is, I miss her so so much that at times its painful to just wait and being unable to do anything about the missing her part.

I remember a story that my grandfather told me when he was healthy and before he was paralysed by fear after his operation. He told me of this lady in Kajang which was where my mother's family grew up. She lived in a vast orchard and various branches of her family lived with her on these grounds. She was married into this family where she had to slog away day and night to care for her own family and the rest that stayed with them. Carrying buckets of water for cleaning, cooking, and just taking care of the growing family needs would certainly qualify for tough times. Times were not altogether rough for food was not scare but it took her a lot of patience to make it through the days and be a responsible wife.

My grandfather's eyes would twinkle when he mentioned this lady, my grandmother. For she kept to her duties like any wife would but also because she bore the times with him. Never giving up when he was distracted by gambling and other devices, haunted by his family demands and where she believed when there was no reason to believe. She loved my grandfather and my mother's family very much. My grandfather told me that thats the kind of woman you want to spend forever with. The one who overlooks your weaknesses and trusts in you and your love even when there is nothing left to cling onto and most importantly, loves you with all that she has. My grandfather told me that when you love someone and you found "the one", do not let go or all the riches of the earth will not matter nor will all the time in the world. No dreams will ever sail in the waters of hope without the wind of passion and the steering of someone who will always be there for you. No dreams are worth living without cherishing the one you love. Therefore, I believe that the one you love should always be number one and let her always be number one for as long as you live.

When the person you love is apart and when you're in love, it can really sting and tug at your heart. You feel the pain yet you want the love to stay because you have not truly lived until you encountered true love. She asked me to let it remain, that I would not let this ever die, my heart from the start wanted the same. You do not let go the most precious thing in the world for anything. And she has become my greatest treasure which will last a lifetime. The most beautiful message that I could ever think of or draft as in the past was I love you. I think it would be more beautiful to add a forever to it.

PS. Bie, you're "the one". Let it be forever.

waiting for tomorrow

Alicia: How big is the universe?
Nash: Infinite.
Alicia: How do you know?
Nash: I know because all the data indicates it's infinite.
Alicia: But it hasn't been proven yet.
Nash: No.
Alicia: You haven't seen it.
Nash: No.
Alicia: How do you know for sure?
Nash: I don't, I just believe it.
Alicia: It's the same with love I guess.



I often revisit the movie "A Beautiful Mind" because for one, I liked that movie and two, there are parallels with whats happening in the relationship between Evil Janet and me. Somehow, that was the inspiration between the flick and me that I named my blog after that movie when I started this. Maybe some part of me knew ahead that this would happen? But that would be impossible. But it does make me wonder at this moment. Its the third day and the final day of waiting and perhaps thats why the movie came back to strike me again. Perhaps it is good to have a beautiful mind, but an even greater gift is to discover a beautiful heart. I think God must be a painter. Why else would we have so many colors?

She asked me to bring colours back into her life. What I didn't tell her was that I could barely see beyond the darkness when she left. The colour was the elements that both of us saw for the first time when love is so so beautiful. It was the elements that we were missing while we were cruising through life. But when were in love, every small thing that didin't matter seem to matter and everything with her was so deep and you keep cherishing everything. Nothing becomes too small or not important. Life becomes so beautiful. Of course both of us hope to see it that way always, as colourful as it is now, but the colours will change and it will be more beautiful, as long as we hold each other's hands through this journey called life. Todays really beautiful and shes so near, nearer than other days.

Funny how I hear birds chirping today. Were they not there on other days? Somehow thinking about her this morning is not so painful and more calm and beautiful. I think she must have wished it for me before she went to bed last night. That in her I will always find a measure of peace and a haven from the world. Typing this, I can't get the thought out of my head that it will only be a few more hours before I see the brightest stars in my skies again. Wonder if she'll be tired? Maybe I should get her her fav mango drink? Maybe I should just stop bothering about the small stuff and think how best to get her to fall in love again when she touches down?

Or maybe I just need to smile and love her with all I have. Its that simple but sometimes love can be simple. All you need to do is believe and just love.



PS. Bie, love is in the simple things but the most important things that we see and we sometimes miss a lot when it goes away. I want to give you a forever of a hobbit.

todays beautiful...

The Egyptians had a beautiful belief of death. At the gates of death, the Egyptian gods will stop the wandering spirits and ask the souls who arrived two questions. Two questions to see if they could enter or not or flee in anguish for all eternity. The first question the gods would ask is, have you found joy in your life. And the second, if you have given joy to anyone else in your life. If actually does not matter how those two questions are asked, the only way I'm going to get into Egyptian heaven is if I will love my baby forever.

Whats the use of getting into heaven if I did not love another soulmate for a lifetime? Whats the use of only finding joy once, twice when you should be happy for a lifetime? When you get to heaven, you do not get asked how many cars you managed to buy, or how much cash you managed to rake in or how big a house you managed to own. In a lifetime, a man is not measured by how much material success you have but by the measure of your heart and the love you managed to look for and give. Its not because I want to get into heaven but its because life is only worth living once you have found love, true love that will last.

Todays the second day shes not around and its like the first day. Just finished some work for the boss and been staring at her pictures for too long. Thought it would be nice to say something to her at the start of the day. Food has been and is still tasteless. You eat only to fill up your stomach. You find something to do to fill up your day and to try to smile as much as possible because she asks you to. You feel this emptiness but you can not explain why. Like everything you do is lacking something. Every step lacks a spring and sleep is never calm. Am determined to smile a lot today for her and because of her, the world will be a beautiful place today. Going to empty my mind in front of the idiot box soon and hopefully that takes away some of the emptiness although those thoughts are childish and wishful thinking.

Wondering hows her boat ride or rather her ferry trip to Yangshuo is. Must be scenic to take a ride down the river past the mountains and hills and valleys. Can almost feel the breeze blowing upwards towards her. Wonder if shes eating right. Wonder if its raining in the morning along the river. Wonder if I will stop thinking of her so much although I still think of her every second. Just want to be with her. Its that simple. It doesn't matter what shes doing or where. Missing the warmth of her hands and her goldfishes.



PS. Bie, words in the sands will be swept away, but you in my heart will ever stay.

the first day...

When I saw you, I was afraid of meeting you.
When I met you, I was afraid of kissing you.
When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you.
Now that I love you, I'm afraid of losing you.

The Voice Of Love by Silard Somorjay (soundtrack) Movie: The Streets of Beijing



Where there is love, distance does not matter. Woke up on a quiet labour day later than usual. Was having bouts of waking up from time to time throughout the morning, trying to steal as much time as possible on the phone with her before the flight. Am still slightly lethargic but I have three full days to recuperate and rest which is tremendous rest time. Its the start of a three day break but the most important element is missing. The last thing that kept coming back to me before I shut my eyes was her telling me, or rather asking me how could I do this to her that I did not tell her things.

Somehow I managed to keep adding doubts and more questions for her at one time. Think shes still scared of being hurt which I totally understand but my heart wants to set her free from all the past and all the future question marks. Love is like throwing yourselves at each other. You do not know if the other will catch you but you trust that person will. Everytime you do, you always might get hurt. But the essence of love is the courage it takes to throw yourself and to believe. The strength of love is in the fact that you have dared to take the leapt. The beauty in love is when the other person catches you.

Its a Friday afternoon and Mr. Sun has not been as cruel as other days this week. Peeking in through the drawn curtains, he gives me inspiration when I'm typing this that hope always glimmers when you least look for it. That the light will shine through the darkness. There is so much to be afraid about but there is more to be hopeful and be thankful for. For when shes gone, I have a reason to wait for the coming days ahead. I have a reason to smile like an idiot when I think of her almost all the time. I have a purpose to continue to make my days happy until she gets back. Thinking back how different it was from the week she was in Tianjin.

Back then, waiting for her was mostly agony because we just got started and there was so much in between. But shes so beautiful, she makes my everyday beautiful. I wake up every morning wanting to make each day beautiful because of her. Does this mean that it stops when shes gone? Of course not. It means that I need to work harder to make it beautiful for her or else she will think that I'm taking a break. She makes my day beautiful and she left me her heart. She told me that. So how can I make her heart sad while shes gone?

Writing this blog post won't remove her doubts but loving her with all I have will. Writing this is not to make her happy or just to comfort her. But writing this is a promise that I will remove her doubts with time and with love. Its not easy but love is never easy. Its a great day so far. I've smiled today more than the entire week she was last gone. Todays beautiful and she definitely is beautiful.

PS. Bie, I'm missing u so so much. Monday can't come soon enough.

EJ says "I can do better..."

Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away

Hitch (Will Smith)



I think love and being in a relationship is similar. Its not how many heart beats that you have with her but rather how many breathes you share with her that steals your life away. Its not about how much you should be part of her life but rather, how much of this thing called happiness you can give to her. Its easy to demand to be number one in her life because you think shes number one in yours. If you love her, you do not need to demand and think you should always be number one. You need to step back and look at her. Money, everyone can find and work for. Precious stones any expert hand can make. Expensive stuff, many can afford to spend on lavishly. But what I can do for her, is be with her and achieve with her what matters most in her life.

Was at the petrol pump this morning and I was still early, a bit too early to call on her. Wanted to get the Star at the kiosk but something about the look of the attendant turned me off. Maybe it was the sun in my eyes or the annoyance at lining up to pay for so long, I'm not sure. But I wanted to wait for her this morning and to give her more time to rest. There are only a few things in this world that beats that extra few minutes in bed especially on a working day. Then she called, it was instantaneous and the sun creeping up that was so annoying became so beautiful. I could swear I heard birds chirping just around the hills. I was lifted into a musical and my day was a love story waiting to happen.

And thats how it is every morning only everyday it becomes so much more beautiful and the message beating in my heart becomes so much more powerful. Everyday, I get up open my eyes and repeat the same process of self discovery that I'm loving her more and more with each passing day. Shes been listening to me ramble a lot lately and we just got off msn. Wanted her to know that being with her, I knew I wouldn't always be number one. I mean, I told her I loved her because I really do eventhough I knew I would not always be number one in her facets of life. She lives with passion and love for so many things. People say love is about giving yourselves wholeheartedly to the other and I could not agree more. I love her knowing that at times and most times, I would need to take a backseat to her other passions.

She likes to dance and definitely wants to dive. I know these passions take up a lot of time that maybe we could be together with. But I understand that you do not demand these from her. You do not take away the passion from her life. From her friends who shape her to her family that cares for her, loving her means sharing all these with all of them. At these times, I will not be number one and I shouldn't be as well. Loving her means understanding and accepting these and yet love her more. Simple isn't it?

I wish I could give her a compass so that she can always find her way back to my heart when shes lost. That I could always be with her eventhough I can't possibly in all that she does. I do not need her to do better or to change. Because I fell in love with the her whos her. My love for her does not require all these. My love for her demands that she be number one in everything and thats what I will always do for her. I do hope for more time with her but only if it does not steal more slices of her heart. I would definitely like it if she smiles for me but I would be equally happy if shes happy because of others although in some stuff I do not understand why or what. I do not need to understand everything but I need to love her in everything which is also simple.

PS. Bie i do not need better because you're perfect.

taking a break

(Bob Marley) He had this idea. It was kind of a virologist idea. He believed that you could cure racism and hate — literally cure it, by injecting music and love into people's lives.

One day he was scheduled to perform at a peace rally, gunmen came to his house and shot him down. Two days later, he walked out on that stage and sang.

Somebody asked him "why" he said: "The people that are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off — how can I? — Light up the darkness.

Will Smith, I am Legend

Shes worried about me that I get tired and that slowly it will begin to show in the relationship. I'm not worried. Because the time given to me or rather us is never enough. I'm living by the day and I want to be here for her. Its never one way and it hurts more not to be there for her when shes thinking about me. How can I take a break when the heart can not rest from missing her? How can the mind rest when it can not stop leaving her? And how can the body stop when it is incapable of functioning without her? Its all about her.

Love starts the moment my eyes open in the morning and it ends when sleep touches. And in all the in between, there is nothing but love. There is a difference between being able to and not wanting to. Yes, there is a lifetime to spend with her but I do not want to waste a single second with her. It does not mean because I have a lifetime that I can take things for granted or more importantly I can not take her for granted. You do not rest from loving someone, you do not take shortcuts, you do not cheat, you do for every single moment realise and know how beautiful the things that she has done for you and you respect and treat her like your woman. I sit back sometimes and wonder, "How about the times that I could have done more but did not?" I could not live with that. I could not love her like that.

I would be worried for her the same if she did the things I did but I just want her to understand and believe that beneath it all, there is nothing more important than her and that shes number one. Always. No negotiation or compromise.

PS. Bie, youre a ten always.