symphony of a sea lamb

I turn on my computer, I wait impatiently as it boots up. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail. I hear nothing, not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beat of my own heart. I have mail. From you.

~ Tom Hanks, You've Got Mail



Its the second day and was drafting a story in my head about sea lions and sea lambs dancing under the sea. Had to scrap that idea because the plot was not really amazing and it involved the normal boy meets girl story arc and they meet, fall in love, meet baddie and then somehow win and live happily ever after. Figured that it would not be enough and too common to make her smile today. My mind was busy tinkering with underwater love stories while driving my brother to his aviation center today, and I saw this mail van driving by. Then lightning from todays gloomy morning struck me right in my right membrane activating all my creative cells in order to make my elf happy.

I remember watching You've Got Mail when I didin't really understand what it meant. I was too young and naive to know what Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan were doing and how much it meant to receive a single piece of mail. If "NY152" and "Shopgirl" could get away with it on AOL, today let me paint you a smile baby before I leave on a jetplane to Bangkok and the land of elephants. This is a story of sealion and a sealamb thats written in the stars. If you join up the constellations that our stars make up, you will see me and you no matter which sky you are looking at. You're my world.

Draft Chic Flick: "You've Got Twit"

Setting: Someplace in a local residence in Subang Jaya, Selangor
Time: Afternoon sun
Cast:
Sea Lion (EvilJanet)
Sea Lamb (Thewrecktan)
Random passerbys

SUBANG HOUSING AREA - DAY

Eviljanet, beautiful -- but trying hard not to be -- in a black dress and shades, balances a cup of Americano and a handbag as she climbs out of her Toyota Vios under the afternoon sky.

A stray SKATEBOARD clips her, causing her to stumble and spill her Americano, as well as the contents of her handbag.

The young RIDER dashes over to help, trembling when he sees who his board has hit.

RIDER
Hey -- sorry.

Cowering in fear, he attempts to scoop up her scattered belongings.

EVILJANET
Leave it

He persists.

EVILJANET (continuing)
I said, leave it!

She grabs his skateboard and uses it to SHOVE him against a car, skateboard tip to his throat. He whimpers pitifully and she lets him go. A path clears for her as she marches through a pack of fearful neighbourhood kids and SLAMS open the door, entering her home.

VOICEOVER
Eviljanet was still fuming over the incident that happened earlier. The not so fortunate accident of encountering her dreaded foe and rival, Thewrecktan. It was a simple misunderstanding really.

LCCT - MORNING

Thewrecktan, young, bashful and arrogant walks in with his posse in a undercoloured tee and worn out jeans. Pushing past cabin crew to get to the IT department with his cohorts snickering and following closely behind. He's in a foul mood and not too entertained by a slow morning

Enter Eviljanet who unknowingly stashes a pile of documents on his desk before he even gets to sit.

Thewrecktan
Excuse me, you are? (betraying a sign of annoyance)

Eviljanet
Oh, thought this was the desk of IT support. Eviljanet. And you?

Thewrecktan
Thewreck. But otherwise known as the guy who doesn't like random stuff dumped on his desk by unknown people without asking.

Both eyes each other with a glare. Both unwilling to back down from the confrontation.

Eviljanet
Are you still sore about yesterday? Get a life and grow up thewreck. You're so childish.

Thewrecktan
I'm trying its just so difficult dealing with an adult.

Thewreck looks longingly at Eviljanet just wishing to hug her and say sorry. But he steel his eyes and stares back. Not willing to concede that he wants nothing more than to reach out and hold her hand.

Eviljanet
Yeah, well keep trying harder. Because its not going to get easier loving someone like me.

Walks off thinking why is this jerk not understand what I want. Just put your damn hands on mine and apologise like a man and do not repeat this again. Men...

VOICEOVER
We're back here in Eviljanet's room as she slowly returns back to reality and a shed of tear drops from her eyes.

Eviljanet
I miss you, you idiot. (whispers to herself)

All of a sudden the phone vibrates on Eviljanet's bed. Its him. The idiot.

Eviljanet hesitates. She wants to answer but a part of her is hurt and reluctantly she lets it ring for a few ten seconds before slowly pressing the dial.

(A strong silence)

Thewrecktan
Listen. Just be patient and listen to me. I know you're angry and no amount of sorry will change that. So please just listen. I'm childish most times and when you need me, I can't smile. I can be a pain on most days. No, nearly all the time. I don't always smile and am cold so it disturbs you sometimes why I can't be like you and spread your warmth and share your smiles freely. You hate it when I call other people to get to you and you absolutely hate it when I have my non talking days because you feed on my energy and smiles. You hate it when all of a sudden, you see my TL face and you wonder what volcano erupted for dunno what purpose. I hate this. I hate who I can not be to you. But I love you. And I want nothing more than to spend a lifetime loving so sorry if you have to spend a lifetime loving a jerk or an ass or an idiot. I have no song that I can sing to you now. No symphony to bring this romantice feeling now. I have no beautiful words crafted with a dictionary. I only have these three words. I love you. I'm going to bed.

Eviljanet
Shut up. Just shut up now.

(Silence)

Don't go.

If this lifetime throws me a jerk or an ass or an idiot, as long as its stupid you. Then I'm happy because I know you're happy because of me too.

I turn on my computer, I wait impatiently as it boots up. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got twit. I hear nothing, not even a sound on the streets of Subang, just the beat of my own heart. I have a twit, a blogpost. From you.

VOICEOVER
Both smile on the phone. Somewhere over the rainbow plays as the scene fades into greyish skies above...

(Bie, this is the same song we'll be playing next year according to our DL list which you asked for. I'm humming this for you baby.)

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby ii ii iii
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I? I, I, I, I.....

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

PS. Bie, you've got Twit. I love you and miss you like hell so please be well for me baby. I'm with you holding your hand painting you this smile.

the day you went away

Lamb: I know you probably won't remember any of this but I will, and I love you.
Lion: Grunts. ~ Sleeps ~
Lamb: (Hums) Tonights the night that I will fall for you. Over again, don't make me change my mind. I want to live to fight another day, I swear its true. Cause a girl like you's impossible to find, impossible to find.
Lion: Baby, I need to sleep...

~ Lion's Den, 2009



Sending you off is never easy and with each time, it does not seem to be getting any easier. Your throats hurt and my hearts in pain. We woke up and I wanted to hold you a little while longer but time would not allow it. Watching you put on your make up seemed surreal today and its like a dance where you slowly prepare to leave and theres nothing I can do but watch. I wanted get up to hug you then but could not find the strength to get up and touch you. I blinked but a few times as I slowly took in your every move in my mind, capturing every second for later when I would miss you. The truth was that I was already starting to miss you already.

Those were the glimpses I could remember as the moments that made up the start of the day you went away. Driving, everything seems so slow motion and you looked so tired next to me. I wanted to tell you that carrying your luggage made me sad and my steps heavy but your eyes were telling me that you needed to know I loved you so I whispered those three same words my heart was whispering. I held your hand close but it does not take the pain away. Your warmth kept me calm as we made our way slowly to the airport. I wanted to say you look beautiful today baby. The words just didin't come out and I ended up staring at you all the way.

Baby, you're going away and right now, you're in a jetplane hundreds of miles away and I'm missing you. When you told me in the lift that you love me, baby, did you know for that moment I loved you more? My heart's been smsing you non stop and my mind has been emailing you every second. So, I'm sending this wanted notice out today that I want you everyday of my life. No. Correction. Actually, I need you for a lifetime. You will be gone for five days and it hurts a bit to know that I can't be there with you, that we won't be visiting the dive expo together to try on our masks and fins and you won't be around to be cute, hot and sexy around me. It hurts a little to know that I will be waiting here like always loving you and can not do more to make you happy right now.

Maybe thats why theres this, this page, this blog. This to remind to me to smile and take care of myself.To tell me that you love me and that I will always love you although lesser than you but at least as constant and everlasting as you. I'm not going to add to the things that make you worry. I'm going to smile for you so you need to smile for me bao bei. If you're out there somewhere in Taipei reading this wanted note, baby, know this, the most important thing, I love you baby.

PS. Bie, I'm with you in your sorethroat, your pain, when you feel alone, always. I'm with you. I miss you.

when you say nothing at all

William Wallace (Mel Gibson): Oui. Parce que chaque jour j’ai pensé à toi.
[Yes. Because every single day I've thought about you]
Murron (Sophie Marceau): [hesitates, impressed despite herself, then smiles] Do that standing on your head and I’ll be impressed.
William Wallace: Well, my kilt will fly up, but I’ll try.

~ Braveheart



Waking up today, its a day that she 'lost' her voice. Today it will be me doing the talking for the both of us. In order to best approach and treat this illness that makes her unhappy, I have googled the web for the best remedy which I will attempt to admister and use in accelerating her healing. Had to riffle through archives of 'gazillion' medical doctrines, records and case studies to compile this document. Fingers crossed with lots of love. All I want is a potion of love to make her better so I can see her smile again.

Source: Tan, TheWreck, editor. TheWreck's Manual of Tender Loving Care Diagnosis and Therapy. 1st ed. Tan Brothers Publication, Malaysia: TheWreckTan Research Laboratories, 2009.

Subject Matter:

sore (adjective, sor⋅er) throat (noun, throht);

Sore Throat (noun)

Definition

Sore throat, also called pharyngitis, is medically defined as a painful inflammation of the mucous membranes lining the pharynx. Sore throat may be caused by either viral or bacterial infections or environmental conditions. TheWreckTan laboratories has run serious research on a group of infected lions to actually prove that sorethroat is also a condition of discomfort that induces a lion to not be able to communicate through roars or voice to its captive lamb during the mornings and forces the test subject into using hand signals to communicate what the heart has to say. Further experiments confirm that infected lions have difficulties dealing with fatigue and stressfrom insufficient rest. One of the most fearsome diseases that lions deal with that inhibits the enjoyment of other food and love.

Causes and Symptoms

Sore throats have many different causes, and may or may not be accompanied by cold symptoms, fever, or swollen lymph glands. Proper treatment depends on understanding the cause of the sore throat. According to the concurrent tests on the same pack of lions, the causes of the sore throat on the test subject are believed to be due to the consumption of fried assam sotong despite early warning signals and the inadequecies of moisture and liquid in the diet of a lion. There is cause of belief that this can also be contributed to the lack of Tender Loving Care (TM) that the lion keeper should know better to provide. Note to lion keeper to pay better attention and to be strong in order not to easily give in to demands' of the lion despite the lion possessing the most beautiful stars as eyes and the voice that can melt hearts.

Diagnosis

It is easy for people to tell if they have a sore throat, but difficult to know what has caused it without laboratory tests. Most sore throats are minor and heal without any complications. A small number of bacterial sore throats do develop into serious diseases. Because of this, it is advisable to see a doctor if a sore throat lasts more than a few days or is accompanied by fever, nausea, or abdominal pain. In another case study involving an elf, it has been noted that the cause identification key for the sore throat has been self awareness by the elf herself. It is a known fact that diagnosis of the sore throat seriousness depends on the colour of the tonsils. The practicising diagnostician of TheWreckTan Laboratories had difficulty diagnosing the seriosness of the illness on the elf has been attributed and been blamed due to the tongue of the elf mysteriously always attached to the mouth of the diagnostician. This calls for more serious investigation into this mystery.

Treatment
Effective treatment varies depending on the cause of the sore throat. As frustrating as it may be to the patient, viral sore throat is best left to run its course without drug treatment. Antibiotics have no effect on a viral sore throat. They do not shorten the length of the illness, nor do they lessen the symptoms. Suggested lab tests have shown that a lot of Tender Loving Care (TM) has been proven to be the best medicine. The best cure is not what money can buy but rather what the practising healer can not buy with money. Solutions have ranged from absolutely all the time in the world, unlimited love and the priority to place the patient as number one all the time. More scientific tests are required to prove this theory in practical.

Alternative treatment
Alternative treatment focuses on easing the symptoms of sore throat using herbs and botanical medicines.
Ayurvedic practitioners suggest gargling with a mixture of water, salt, and tumeric (Curcuma longa) powder or astringents such as alum, sumac, sage, and bayberry (Myrica spp.)
TheWreckTan laboratories stand by the belief that in the instance that TLC (TM) treatment is insufficient (which is next to impossible), the best alternative is to allow the practicising medical consult to always pamper the inflicted test subject with even more TLC (TM) which is simply nature's best gift of medicine. The laboratory is also testing by having its banana testers speak in broken and laughable Chinese to the test subjects. Although the test subjects have been known to break down in laughter, the effect on healing the illness is still unknown.

Prevention
There is no way to prevent a sore throat. Although to the contrary, TheWreckTan Laboratories has been conducting intensive research ranging from diving to the depths of open water to writing love notes that any disease can be prevented by a lot of love and a great amount of love in return by the other suspected infected party.

Resources
Books
Lamb, Sea, editor. The Therapy of Love and More Love. 10th ed. Sea Lamb, Malaysia: The Fine Lamb Institute of Higher Learning, 1314.

Hobbit, Cute, editor. The Lord of Love. 26th ed. A Hobbit's Den, UK: Fiction, 1983.

Key terms
Antigen — A foreign protein to which the body reacts by making antibodies
Lymphocyte — A type of white blood cell. Lymphocytes play an important role in fighting disease.
Pharynx — The pharynx is the part of the throat that lies between the mouth and the larynx or voice box.
Love - Love is the strongest emotion that the world has ever encountered. Unknown essence and healing powers yet to be fully explored by man. Love's powers have been said capable of bottling fame, brewing glory, even stoppering death.
Lion - Fearsome creature, enchanting and alluring yet possessive. Many unknown qualities yet to be explored. Engage at your own risk. Some have been captured for lifetimes
Tender Loving Care (TM) - Scientific methodolody of providing a lot of love in constant doses to overcome any illnesses

Monday Sci-Fi fever

Find someone who you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back.
You have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

~ Meet Joe Black



This morning her phone woke me up to the start of a new week. Opened my eyes to an angel still lost in her dreams. How beautiful she is I thought, actually I've been always guilty of this same thought to the extent that its now a daily crime I can't seem to get rid off. Today besides waking up to her and perfection, I also woke up to a sci-fi reality which is simply another exciting way to kick start the week. It seems that planet earth is not enough to contain our love that we have to venture to outer space. Today, am writing a bit of sci-fi for the amusement of her on the first day of the week. Just want her to smile in the midst of all these distractions and noises around us. Most importantly, baby, I love you.

Year 0717 Intergalactic Space Coordinates 1010 of the Galaxy of Putraheightenon

Diaries From the Unkown

The 'morning collectors of light' spacecrafts have been toiling for 18 hours straight to harvest energy sources. It has been 1,000 years since mankind abandoned planet earth to its doomed fate to roam the galaxy in search of light sources and energy to continue their existence. Having stumbled upon their latest discovery in the Galaxy of Putraheightenon, they have settled here the longest since the days of roaming outer space. The human harvesters have been doubling their efforts to harvest enough energy for storage in the last few months since rumours of sightings of alien species were reported by advanced scouts. Fearing the worse that they could no longer dwell with their new found treasure for any longer, they had to work harder to ensure sufficient energy was harvested.



Today, however, was a day that would change their lives forever. For today, they will come to discover that they were not alone. That the rumours they had heard were true, that man was not alone in the universe. This is an intergalactic tale of the momentous event that will live to change the fates of those to come and the future generations of space inhabitants forever. Nothing could have prepared them for the events that will transpire and the cards that fate had in store for the two races.



It was during approximately the watch of the tenth regiment of human harvesters that 'they' appeared. It was so quiet and serene and nothing registered on any of the scout's radars and they appeared silently out of the blue. Roaming the human harvester main ship "Elf" from behind, the aliens made initial contact by trying to initiate contact via landing crafts from above. The humans mistook the friendly docking to be a signal of attack but being harvesters, had no means of defense. The aliens had difficulty aligning their technology to initiate communication and contact and had to resort to overpowering the escaping main ship. There was a brief chaos as the humans were undecided on contact with the foreign assumed invading vessel.



The aliens boarded the main shuttle, "Elf", with minimal resistance and via communicators were able to signal their intent of a mere initial exploration penetrative exercise aimed at just to establish contact with the humans. Relieved that their worst fears were over, the humans were indeed curious and excited over the 'discovery' of their new friends in outer space. For roaming the earth for 1,000 years, they always thought that they were alone and it was meant to be their destiny to float around the far reaches of the galaxies until the species met its end. For in the days to come, that day would build the foundation of exchanges of fluids of technology and greater sense of togetherness as they continued to co-exist in space.



That date will live in infamy in the annals of history of human race as their first encounter with the unknown and will influence the tides of history as we know it. How could things have been different were it not for the chance residual stay of the human race on the remote galaxy? What if they had not decided to explore that part of the galaxy for resources? And how different would destiny have been had the aliens remained concealed without making contact and remaining indifferent to the fate of the fledging human race? No one knows but the days of the galaxy ahead remain as intriguing as ever as they explore this new intergalactic relationship to the next level on a new chapter.

PS. Bie, I love you on every plane and material space and somehow its not enough so with outer space as witness, I will love you a lifetime. To infinity and beyond.

peeking at the weekends again...

I love this spot. It's like heaven. Right here on earth. Maybe that's what heaven is. Maybe we go through life collecting people and places we love, and they become our heaven.

~ Samantha, (Leelee Sobrieski) Here on Earth



I blinked and the weekends are here again. Today is the day my fingers dance post number eighty eight for her. The only waltz I'm listening to is her voice from this morning when she said those three words as I shuffle the thoughts of writing what I'm feeling for her in my head. I've been painting this canvass for three months and twelve days. Today was the first time I actually clicked back just to see how far we've come and I'm still amazed at how much more we will see in the pages ahead. If only you could hear how much my heart whispers that this will last our lifetime together. Hold my hand as we collect more chapters of our story together and stay with me as they become our heaven.

I asked you what kind of post I could write that would make you happy. Today, the entire world has been fascinated and transfixed by the news of the passing of one of the modern world's greatest icons, the king of pop himself. Michael Jackson did hold a special place in my memory as the ultimate entertainer beyond his time and more so for my brother growing up. He was the trendsetter and a trailblazer of his time. Undeniably, he left an impact of creativity on me and a belief that nothing is impossible, that man was truly made to transcend colour and creed. I would rather choose to celebrate his memory today next to my baby than to mourn his lost.

Case Study A: King of Pop	Case Study B: Queen of My Heart
Considered one of the greatest performers in the history of music and entertainment. Electrified stadiums and nations with his talent. Rulers have bowed at his feet	Considered one fo the greatest humans/elves/lion to walk the earth. Makes people happy just by being within 5 meters of her and smiling. Made me bend over backwards just to see her smile
Filled my childhood with amazing dance steps and heart warming lyrics	Filling my life with ultimate warmth and will continue to paint smiles for me until the end of my days. Shes the queen of the podium to boot
His legacy will live with all mankind probably for the rest of our remaining lives until our third generation where people will wonder if he really was that good	Her memories and legacy will live with me forever
The only man who ruled the 80s universe with every single release and sadly left his remaining legacy as a weird character consumed with himself	The only woman who will rule my universe for a lifetime and will live the rest our days together watching every sunrise and sunset

They are both separate special people in my universe, I will always remember MJ and refuse to acknoledge the calls the media crafted for him as Wacko Jacko. Today is a day the rest of the world unites and prays for the lost of one of the world's greatest gifts. His passing only serves to remind me of what I have and the hand I am holding that I should always be treasuring. Today, its your day MJ but everyday even today is hers, the queen of my heart. I would like to record this: that today, baby, you are the one that matters most and it will stay that way for the days to come.

Its the weekend again and I'm really blessed to be able to spend it with you. Its two days to our three months and I love you. We have done so much and although we will never rule the world like MJ did, you rock my world with every passing second together. I just want to celebrate how lucky I am to have a girl like you loving me back despite all my imperfections. MJ, the girl is mine, thanks for the memories. Rest in peace.

Bie, I would like to dedicate this MJ song for you which I truly feel each day, rain or shine, I am yours.

You are not alone

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

PS. Bie, bie, bie! Its the weekends again! Your smile is the agenda, my smile is the effect and a lifetime is the result. I need your hand, then forever can begin.

you, me, us on a thursday

Some people live their whole life and never fall in love. I lived mine and I fell in love.

~ Leelee Sobieski, Here On Earth



Here on Earth was a novel written and later like all interesting books, gets translated into a movie. Here on Earth begins with Kelvin "Kelley" Morse and Jasper Arnold involved in a car race and accidentally damage a restaurant owned by Samantha Cavanaugh (Leelee Sobieski)'s parents. Both are sentenced to perform community service by repairing the damage. Although Kelley comes from a wealthy family and Samantha's parents are working-class, they soon find that they have more in common than they imagined, and they fall in love. Samantha's parents learn later on that Samantha has osteosarcoma and only a few months to live. When Kelley learns the awful truth, he must decide if he should obey his father's wishes and go to college or stay by the side of the first girl he's ever loved.

Its a beautiful day today and my baby woke up early filled with inspiration. She woke me up this morning for a change and her voice was the sweetest music that ever rang on my handphone. My mind was still blurry and my eyes were so reluctant to open today and I blame it on the chilly weather and the sleep filled with dreams of her last night. I pulled off the sheets from my still warm seeking body and rushed to get prepared. It was a slow drive filled with thoughts of her along the Kesas highway and I was really thinking of what she casually asked me on why do we torture ourselves this way. I seriously don't have an answer and I wonder why.

I realised as I clutched my hands tight anticipating to see my lion at 7.45am that my day really began when I saw her at her door looking at me so beautiful. I was a bit frustrated with her automatic gate and a dog named prince for being the only things stopping me from hugging her tight. My first second on a Thursday for me really began when I kissed her good morning and tasted a bit of heaven in my mouth. I knew my day had started the moment I touched her lips and felt complete. Now, writing this is to help me try to figure out when really does my day begin. Like every other day, mine begins with her. I was really thinking, if that was the truth, then was I ever living until the moment I fell in love with her?

Was thinking of Here on Earth this morning when I was playing with these thoughts. Do we really need a huge incident to shake us and make us appreciate what we have? When it comes to loving her, I've made a decision to always savour and treasure everything single thing, from the smallest to the biggest perfection that you keep including in unexpected and expected times in our lives. Today, baby, I just want to say thank you and how much everything you do for me means to me. I know these will not go recorded in history but it will always live in my memory and my smiles. That to me is more important than anything else in the world because you are the most important object, person, thing, creature, treasure, entity, character and lover that I will ever meet my life.

Today, I had banana pancakes designed and made by the softest and most gentle hands that I can't seem to stay away from. It was really good and she told me that it was her first time having a go at it which I find really hard to not smile to. Shes special like that, the way she keeps making me smile at all these small perfections that she does so effortlessly. I don't really have a story to match the warmth that she filled me with today except for the three words that she tells me everyday. She tells me these not just in words but in the things she does, her eyes, the way she touches my life and more. Theres only one way to say these three words and baby, I wish I could say them to you everyday for a lifetime, I love you. Baby, believe me theres nothing more true in our lifetime.

PS. Bie, on a beautiful Thursday like this, you have to go and be perfect and ruin it by stealing all the spotlight. I hate it that you always do this that I can't help loving you forever and ever baby.

describing loving you

Dr. Jack Michler (Marlon Brando): Don Juan, this young woman Dona Ana, must be very special. I would like so much to hear about her.
Don Juan (Johnny Depp): Have you never met a woman who inspires you to love? Until your every sense is filled with her? You inhale her. You taste her. You see your unborn children in her eyes and know that your heart has at last found a home. Your life begins with her, and without her it must surely end.

~ Don Juan Demarco



I do not have an obligation to write a blog post on a daily basis but I have a responsibility to let you know baby, today like every other day I love you and like everyday, there is nothing more important than you. Johnny Depp as Don Juan Demarco, the greatest lover in the world mentioned this under this dying breathe, that there are only four questions of value in life. Which consist of:

What is sacred?
Of what is the spirit made of?
What is worth living for?
What is worth dying for?

The answer to each is the same. Only love. That baby is how much I love you and although it seems a lot I still can't love the way you love me :) She had to step out of my car this morning and we actually had everything planned out on a day where I could see her more. I watched her reluctantly and frustratingly slip past my car door as I drove bumblebee to a complete stop and her house gates slowly swung open. There was a tinge of sadness that she should have been here with me but what I'm more worried of was her rushing to be where she now has to be. Pulling by the side, I waited for her and wanted to catch as many glimpses of her as I could. I knew I was late but nothing mattered more than her. The sun was hidden and so was my smile.

She conveniently left me a bar of chocolate in between the seats as she made her way off. Thinking of the way she feeds me chocolate, I can't help but smile again. We drove along and I kept behind her trying to take in as much of her as I could. I really wanted to tell her that I'm always with her. Figured that today will be another long day with her bouncing in and out. Just wished there was something I could help her with was what my heart whispered. I really want to be by her side when shes frustrated by people and events that happen.

Biting into the chocolate as I last saw her at the toll, my heart really went with her. Drove past the slow traffic and did the only thing I could do to lessen her burden. Dropped off the package that she was supposed to and made my way to the main terminal. The sun was still hidden when she shocked me with a call later on as there was a cloud of sadness and irritation tagging with her. I really wanted to embrace and hug her through the phone at that moment. The only thing I could do was reassure her that I was with her and for her to be strong and do the right thing when all I wanted to do is be with her.

Its been exactly five hours since that moment has come to pass and I'm still waiting to hug her now as I type this down. Its another day caught in between. Time does play tricks on you when you are paying attention. Its stubborn and more often than not when you want it to fly, it stalls and tricks you into its own rhythm. Astonishingly, writing this, my heart's really happy and bursting for joy for when she had the choice, she made the tougher one just to see me more. These "small imperfections" of her, really makes me fall in love with her more and more. The fact that I still matter to her now when she needs me and the fact that she would rather drive all the way to see me, how can a man not fall in love and stay in the state of falling in love more and more?

Of all things that man has placed sacred, nothing is more precious than what the owner of a prince means to me and to our love. Of my spirit that lives and breathes, there is no meaning that has more depth than the strengths and weaknesses of a lion. And of all things worth living for, what is worth more than a smile from an elf? And of all things worth dying for, what would a hobbit not give just to have a lifetime with her? Oh Don Juan, if you have your Dona Ana, I have my Evil Janet and we will last a lifetime. Waiting for you.

PS. Bie, I'm right here for you always. If I need to describe our love, among the English words known to man and poets, nothing surpasses perfection, which is you. I love you.

The Tuesday of no you

"This is it. Life will never be better, nor sweeter than this."

~ Keanu Reeves, Sweet November



I'm unbuckling my seatbelt and its the early afternoon sun that greeted me at the parking lot. Stepping out of my car, I just can't help thinking of you while starting on the long walk back to the office. You just got off the phone and theres no breeze. I've just had the opportunity to at least play a part in the life of another stranger I barely knew. I still remember just shaking his hand and wishing him luck. I might not see him ever again. His road is going to be long but if he has the right belief and enough determination, he will find his way. I looked at him, knowing how much it means to live your dream, to want something so much, to work so hard for something that only you can see. I'm missing you, "this thing" that I want so much, that I'm working so hard to be with for a lifetime.

I remember the joy that lit in Burn's eyes, this 14 year old orphan from Batam that wanted to be a pilot, from as early as when he was seven. He told my colleague this, that this was his first time on a plane and that he was scared. He was scared but he consoled himself that he needs to be brave at this high altitude in a plane because he was going to fly the lives of hundreds of people. This kid barely spoke English but he held a mountain of belief and passion that he believed he could make it a reality. I have the same eyes too when you appear or when I catch a glimpse of you. Walking back, those eyes I saw were a reminder of what I am not today when you're not around. I'm scared when you're not around. Not scared of losing you, but afraid that my life is passionless without you. Am not afraid of you not being around, but afraid of what I become when you are not around.

My legs shuffled past the eateries, dragging themselves as I think of what I'm missing when you're not around. Its the same shuffle I had when I was walking with Burn earlier into the simulator room. We walked into a taste of him trying what it feels like should he succeed. I walk the same walk, thinking of you. Theres simply no point walking back to office without you being around. That was honestly what I felt but I have a job to do and here I was being brave and trying to smile for you. I've been thinking. Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself, wanting to be lost again. There are times I have to be here and you have to be there, and the space between us is just too much. You don't know what you do to me. You don't have a clue. You can't tell what it's like to be me, looking at you everytime I close my eyes.

I stopped by to get that sparkling ribena that we both love so much but theres none in stock and just at that moment, you called back. I was waiting with my handphone in my hand. There was so much that I wanted to tell you that no words could tell. There was this missing you so much that I wanted to share with you, but no telephone conversation could ever pass the message on. So I ended up mumbling on the phone when all I wanted to do was hear you breathe.

Blinking my eyes at my laptop, typing this down, this is by no way a post that I'm pouring my sadness into. I was actually thinking of something cheerful to say like how you mentioned that theres a Chinese saying similar to the meaning that absence makes the heart grow fonder or something that sounded like small separations make us miss each other more. I think its true because the moment you stepped out of my sight, my heart was screaming I miss you and baby, I love you. This post is simply, my heart saying, without you I am lost.

Then you smsed me this, go search on youtube..'funeral TVC commercial' by yasmin ahmad..Luv u. I watched it and closed my eyes knowing how true it is. Like Burn, I have found what I want to do for a lifetime and what I will otherwise spend my life looking for. I only have this to say today. Baby, I love you and I'm smiling for you. Can't wait to see you again, the most beautiful imperfection of a sea lamb's life.

PS. Bie, I want to live in your eyes, die in your arms, and be buried in your heart. I miss you and have been thinking about you the whole day and I guess that what this means is that even today thats imperfect without you, because of you, this heart of a sea lamb beats only for you.

Diving to the depths of our hearts

Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not
knowing there was someone like you out there. Love means many things to different people, but, to me, it's just the way I feel about you.

Good Will Hunting



We were in the car driving past the Sg. Besi turnoff heading towards the Federal Highway, my hand safely hidden under hers as we breezed along past the other cars. We had just survived a twelve hour journey back to the heart of civilization and it was a cold night with no stars overhead. She looked at me and she asked me, "What was it about the sea that you liked best?". I looked right into her eyes, pondering how best to tell her the obvious, "Well, its like this. I don't know what its called." She pressed my hands further, puzzled, "What do you mean you don't know whats it called? Was it the turtle? The blue spotted ray? The fishes?". I smiled as I carved the answer that everyone knew but her, "Well, its roughly 168 centimeters and has a ponytail. Don't know whats it called but it swims gracefully under the sea." She looked lost, muttering the same thing over and over again "Don't know whats it called?", still puzzled before her smile appeared and she laughed with me.

I believe that love has no age limit. It's not like drinking alcohol or gambling. You don't have to be 21 to love. I mean, when I was three, I loved my teddy bear. The only difference now is that teddy bear is now 168 centimeters tall, and has black hair and the most enchanting smile. She can talk, walk, run, and even dive too. I believe that love is special in many ways. I always read books, watched movies and even heard stories about love. I never predicted or knew how mine would turn out although I believed and hoped in the magic of falling in love.

The last three days was another chapter for not just me, more so for the both of us. I thought I had seen it all, been all the places that would matter. I now realise how little I knew. There were three incidents in the past days that will live in my memory from our 'little' trip to Tioman. Writing it down, helps me relive the memories and the passion that defines us moving forward.

The First Incident
Friday, 19 June 2009, Year of the Cow, 10:15

We were right there by the beach, sitting by the bench facing the open sea. The cozy hut of the common area was right behind us, it was empty with nobody in sight. Nick and Joyce were checked in and making themselves comfy. She was there with me as we sat on the bench, our slippers filled with sand as we wiggled them together. My eyes were steeled on the sea, rarely looking at her as she nervously held my hand looking at me. Both of us knew that I was barely ready and here I was before the moment that mattered. I smiled for her and she tried very hard to smile back too.

I remember her telling me that she believes in me and will be waiting for me as I stepped out to the burning shore with my gear, it was heavy but not as heavy as my heart. My heart was not racing but neither was it as calm as the sea that greeted us when we arrived. Nick looked at me, "Are you ready?" Taking a deep breath, "Lets rock and roll. My baby's watching".



I attempted no lesser than four times to go down, failing to even reach 3 meters in the pool with calm water. This was the open sea. This was dangerous. I was at the edge, my instructor was at the edge, there was no reason to continue and time was ticking. Both of us had the look of sorrow, I had dejection. He blurted in the waves, "You do not have to do this for anyone. Its okay. You have done your very best. Its okay to give up." I looked dead into his eyes, "This is it. Pull me down, don't let me surface. I can do this. I know my limits." Pulling me down, all I could think of was you, "Girl, you hear me? Talking to you, across the waters, across the oceans, under the open skies. Oh my, baby, I'm trying". That was the tipping point, the point of no return, you were right there with me. I was done. I made it. Against all odds. We made it.

The Second Story
Friday, 19 June 2009, Year of the Cow, 17:53

My head splashed the water apart as I reached out for the skies. Taking in breathes of fresh air as I held my cramped leg. My cuts and bruises were hurting, the sky was getting dark. I was tired of drinking in salt water and burning my throat. It was so painful, it was so difficult. Nick and you had surfaced. This was the moment, the descent which I later learned was staked at 12 meters. Everything is now. Our eyes met, I knew what I had to do, you were right there with me.

We wasted time in my clumsy descent, but we were rewarded to see turtles and anemone inhabitants from Nemo and family. I will never forget the first time we saw the underwater world together and how much it will mean to us a long time from now. The brightest stars shined for me in the depths of the sea. Because of you, I see. I see the world that you fell in love with and were hooked on. I saw beauty and perfection, I saw you and I saw forever. Everything was right in the world.



The Third Chapter
Saturday, 20 June 2009, Year of the Cow, 21:23

I drew out the Southern Hemisphere Cross constellation for you and you drew our love in the skies. We were there by the beach on the sands as the waves ripped gushing towards us, playing us their melody. Ray's Dive was barely warming up and we were looking upwards. I was seeing our future in you. We made many toasts but none more important than to the both of us. We made it here, to this moment together. I'm sorry for the times along the way that I screwed up and am grateful for the moments that warmed me. For the time you stood up for me when none believed, telling Nick in your usual stern voice, "Do not underestimate Derek Tan!" with that determination in your eyes I fell in love with.



It was unlike Redang. There was serenity, there was not so much sweetness but there was a lot of growing up in love. We understood how much it meant to both of us. All this. Having fought so hard to get to where we were, the sacrifices, the rush of emotions, we deserved to be right there. We proved ourselves, our love over and over again, we fought so hard and it was off our chest. We had accomplished item number one on our DL list and now, everything appears possible. It was a moment of fatigue and a moment of triumph. We were relishing and celebrating that we got there together. I'm here because of you baby. Thank you for loving me.

Right here, right now, I love you baby and that will last us our lifetime. That southern star constellation is often said to be a sign of luck. Maybe it was luck smiling on us, maybe it was more. There is an English saying that fortune favours the brave. I don't think it was just us being brave in all the storms, it's also meant to be. Some things happen at the right time, at the right moment. You have to want it, but things are given also at the right time and there is no gift I would trade for over you. In more ways than one, I complete you and you complete me. That moment as we looked up at the stars and the sea sang, you were right there and there will you stay with me forever.

Closing my eyes last night, I saw my brightest stars telling me, the time is just right, that our story is just beginning.

PS. Bie, the road is long but I believe that nothing is impossible with you, and that together, we will overcome every hurdle and see our forever in the palm of our hands. I love you.

Box Office Thursday

I give my smile to everyone, but I give my heart to only one.

~ Fifth Element



Its finally Thursday, the day we pack our bags for our great adventure ahead. As I continue to write, can't help but feel that the posts that my fingers dance to have really evolved from my first posting. I write what my mind thinks and for a while now it has been all about her. I admit I can't really remember the last time my mind did not think of her or when did my post did not mention her. Time really does fly and blinking my eyes, its the eve of the first item on our list. Today, I'm thinking of Bruce Willis and the Fifth Element, and decided to tear up my entire script to rewrite this. You're absolutely right baby that we can choose how to use and do with what is given to us, I would rather choose to smile for you. So I'm writing this for you today baby, this is our Fifth Element.

The movie, Fifth Element tells that every five thousand years, aligned with the movements of the planets, a 'Great Evil' whose purpose is to destroy life will appear. This great evil has been prophesied to appear exactly on the 1st of July in the year of the Cow according to the Great Annals of "Utterly Stupid Jobs & Tasks at AirAsia". The great evil was....



In preparation for the appearance in 2009, a group of aliens called the Friends of EvilJanet (FoJ) arrived on Earth in 1983 to extract the only weapon capable of defeating the Great Evil, a collection of four stones representing the Classical Elements of wind, water, fire and earth and the eponymous mysterious Fifth Element that kicks start the other four into life. After taking the weapons, the FoJ present a key to a priest and tell him to pass the information regarding their mission through future generations in preparation for the coming of the Great Evil's arrival.

In 2009, as prophesised, the Great Evil appears and destroys an entire colony of ants. When the FoJs attempt to deliver the Elements back to Earth, they are ambushed by another alien race, the shape-shifting Megatrons and are taken captive. The fifth element unfortunately was missing. Earthly scientists are able to recover a portion of the Fifth Element and use a reconstitution device to recreate it, whereupon it takes the form of an elf named "EvilJanet" described as "the perfect being".



EvilJanet escaping the laboratory

EvilJanet, terrified of her unfamiliar environment, escapes the scientists and arrives in the care of taxi driver, Gu Mi, a former specialist in the Dreaded Army of AirAsia. Gu Mi is abruptly pulled into the entire chaos as the chasing Megatrons give chase but safely delivers her to Priest BoBo, the current custodian of the FoJ knowledge. Gu Mi, BoBo, and her acolyte, FeiChuYuk help EvilJanet recover, though Gu Ming is forced out of BoBo' apartment before learning her purpose. Bobo learns from EvilJanet that the four Elements were not carried by the FoJ but instead entrusted to Diva Singlikecrap, a singer currently performing on a luxury space liner at LCCT, and that EvilJanet must recover the stones from her.



Priest Bobo and EvilJanet as they board the 'spaceship' back

Meanwhile, wealthy industrialist King Tron who attempted to gain the stones as urged by the Great Evil was dealt a serious blow. After learning that the Megatrons' attack on the FoJs was unsuccessful in recovering the stones, King Tron betrays and kills them, unknowing allowing some of the Megatrons to feign death. The surviving Megatrons decide to take revenge and gain the stones for themselves as King Tron leaves them assuming them for dead.



King Tron and the Megatrons opening the case only to find....absolutely nothing

Gu Mi finds a pleasant surprise with the transmission of a hologram of General Munro waiting for him in his apartment. General Munro informs him that he has been re-drafted into the Army in order to travel to meet the Diva, having rigged the annual Gemini Croquette Contest to allow Gu Mi to win. The contest is the only way to obtain the tickets to meet the Diva. The general has plans for Gu Mi to also meet with the Diva and recover the lost stones.

The transmission is interrupted by the arrival of BoBo and EvilJanet. Gu Mi, learning of EvilJanet's need, offers to help, but is knocked out by BoBo, who steals his winning transportation tickets and departs with EvilJanet. Gu Mi accepts the assignment from General Munro and hurries to the Airport, intercepting BoBo, FeiChuYuk, and EvilJanet before they board their flight, and escorts EvilJanet. The Megatrons and King Tron's assistant are rebuffed and refused entry by the ticketing agent when they try to pose and impersonate Gu Mi. BoBo instructs FeiChuYuk to prepare the temple before successfully sneaking aboard the passenger spaceplane to follow EvilJanet and Gu Mi before it leaves.



Prince! The wonder interstellar radio personality!

On the flight, Gu Mi meets interstellar radio personality Prince, who escorts him for being the contest winner. Upon arrival at LCCT, Gu Mi is taken by Prince to prepare for the show, while EvilJanet waits near the Diva's quarters in order to retrieve the stones from her after her performance. The Diva's show is interrupted by the Megatrons, and the Diva is fatally shot. Gu Mi learns from her dying words that the Diva has hidden the stones inside her body; after she dies, Gu Mi extracts them, giving them to Prince to hold as he defeats the Megatrons and saves the rest of the passengers and crew.



Gu Mi confronting the Megatrons

EvilJanet is also able to defeat another pack of the Megatrons that attempt to ransack the Diva's quarters. King Tron, having flown himself to LCCT, confronts EvilJanet at the Diva's quarters, injuring her and forcing her to retreat as she leaves behind a case assumed to be holding the four stones entrusted to the Diva. King Tron allows her to leave believing he has the case contains the stones while starting a time bomb.



EvilJanet confronting the Megatrons

When Gu Mi goes to recover EvilJanet, at the same time, King Tron finds the case to be empty. King Tron re-enters the liner just as Gu Ming, EvilJanet, BoBo, and Prince leave it on King Tron's ship. King Tron is able to stop his bomb; but the defeated Megatrons activate another bomb, destroying King Tron and the liner.



King Tron leaving EvilJanet 'defeated'

The four return to the temple on Earth as the Great Evil rushes towards the planet. There, Gu Mi finds EvilJanet disillusioned and unwilling to perform her role, believing that humans will destroy themselves despite her rescuing them. As they arrange the stones in the temple to form the weapon, they are briefly confused by their ignorance of the weapon's operation, but discover that each stone is triggered by the presence of the Classical element to which it corresponds. Everything was in place pending the role of EvilJanet who was still reluctant to save the planet.



Unlocking the elements at the temple

Gu Mi convinces EvilJanet to perform her role, embraces her, and kisses her saying that the world is worth saving and that he would always be with her. At this, EvilJanet releases the weapon's "Divine Light", causing the Great Evil to become a new moon in Earth's orbit.

Some say that they perished when they unleashed the four elements. Some say they drifted to space never to be seen again. Some say they found a measure of peace and fell in love to the end of days.

The End



(Secret Ending - Pls refer to the original movie ending...)

PS. Bie, you're my fifth element, compared to the three essentials of life; you, water and air, I can hold my breath for moments, survive without water for days but you, I can not live without you even for a second. That baby, is how much I need, how much I love you. I treasure you now and for a lifetime.

Tales from a day caught in between

Your heart is my school, so teach me the alphabet of love.

~ Anas Chabarek

Todays another Wednesday, another day caught in between. We're leaving tomorrow on another great big adventure. This is all after I was a complete ass to the most important person on the planet. We're making this happen and this story's for her. Shes stuck in a gloomy hotel right smack in the city center and her batteries dying. I want to tell her I miss her and love her so so much that I'm over it and that I'm going to make it happen. All I have is laptop, time to kill, some pictures and lotsa love for her, so hit it. This is my post from my heart today, I love you.



Once upon a time, like all good stories, this fairy tale took place in a far far away land. So ancient that people forgot this tale of how hope triumphed over the days of dark and despair. So far away that some of the mystical creatures we have only heard of and seen in storybooks, movies and youtube. And so special that the only surviving tale of this is living in the hearts of those that matter.



This tale took place in the meadows of happiness just beside the valley of sunrise. There in lived a fair maiden, Arwen. She was the most beautiful maiden that walked the land but she was not a princess per say or the same old conventional princesses of old that were perfect. This was because she was roaming the meadows with a broken heart. Not many knew or understood why each suitor or travelling prince passing by could not heal her heart. Many tried but none succeeded for not many met her eyes and not many knew what treasure she was.

So she spent her days with her dwarf friends (named donkey, spineless, hopeless, snicker, bully and kingkong), Disney princes and princess, and animal cretures that could talk to her. She had many a faithful friend but none rivalled her unicorn...



...Prince! Prince was a faithful companion that rode her through the days of rain and hid with her when the clouds were above. Prince has a coat that shined in the sun and sparkled in the rain. Prince shared her joy and her passing days as the bestest friend any fair maiden could ever ask for. Arwen lived a contented life but she never stopped looking for a cure for her broken heart. Many days and night passed but she never lost hope as she gazed longingly at the stars.



On a normal merry morning, the nearby kingdom of stupidity and curse-alot set out to convert the meadow of happiness with doom and gloom. The armies of the kingdom were fearsome beasts and many were taken away to be locked away in the dungeons miles beneath the castle of stupidity. Now, the meadows were also not spared as the kingdom envied the lasting happiness that never seemed to cease in the meadows. And the mythical creatures living in the meadows irritated...



...the rulers of the kingdom of stupidity and curse-alot, the dreaded King Evil and his evil accompanying halfling follower, Mini Bin. All was nearly lost as the armies and the evil king rode through the lands, enslaving anything that moved and eventually capturing the fair maiden. Prince put up a good and valiant fight as he stood by his master determined to stand by her side but was also taken. All the mythical creatures were in despair as they watched the fair maiden locked away in the highest tower of the stupidest tower of the kingdom. There was much sadness then in the meadow and everything that flowered withered.



All hope seemed lost for all, until a wandering ranger came by the doom and gloom. The lone ranger was also tired from the years of searching and travelling. Shocked by the vicious acts of the king and his armies, the lone ranger planned a daring attempt to take out the king and hopefully unite all the oppressed creatures for a final stand against the evilness. So in admist all the doom and gloom, Sir Screwup embarked on his daring plan. By pure luck and stupidity of the guards, he managed to sneak past into the highest tower hoping to find the king, only to find the Arwen sobbing between sheets. It was love at first sight and Sir Screwup somehow managed to piss off Arwen by his stupidity which caused quite a commotion. The guards were alerted and the evil king was raging to find the intruder that managed to get through the guards.



In a determination to prove to Arwen that he was the better man for Arwen had ignored him since the beginning, the king challenged Sir Screwup to a deul to the end. Obviously it was not a fair fight with Mini Bin biting away at the legs of Sir Screwup and holding him while the king punched away at him. Sir Screwup knew that he did not have many chances to get this right and stood up again, looked at Arwen and said, "Baby, sorry for screwing up earlier but we're doing this together!". Kicking Mini Bin off into the skies, the king and Sir Screwup fought tooth and nail, biting, clawing and punching themselves silly like pollar bears on an iceberg.

Sir Screwup tripped and Arwen gasped at what would surely be the end of Sir Screwup. As the king walked over to finish the dying hero, the earth quacked and groaned underneath. Seizing the moment, Sir Screwup pushed the king back into the fiery ends of the earth. The other mythical and fairy tale creatures seizing the moment, attacked the armies that imprisoned them and managed to get free.

Arwen in the midst of standing with Sir Screwup along the edges asked him, "How would I know that you won't screwup again like I know you would because its in your name?" Sir Screwup shouted in between the raging fires, "Because I will always love you. You for who you are. Just you. So stand with me now and after this, a lifetime. Hold my hand."

The maiden trusted her heart for the first time and aho, was made whole for so was the spell cast upon her that the first to break her rules will restore her heart. There was much rejoicing as the mythical creatures watched them until the end of their days, living out their happily ever after.



There is always a happy ending but it does not come into the laps of the hero and heroine from the sky just like that. There is much in between but baby, no matter what happens, we're going to see each day together. This story might not even be funny or heart warming or even good enough to win awards, but its for you and the only message I have for you is that I love you more and more with each passing day. You warm my heart, set my mind on fire and burn my life with passion. So hold my hand today like always and walk another day and before we know it a lifetime has passed us by.



PS. Bie, we write our happy ending in our tale. Our tale is not complete, the ink is never dry as we write and we might smear the pages with mistakes and other carelessness but hold my hand as we write till the end. I love you baby.

cinderella story

If there's magic in boxing, it's the magic of fighting battles beyond endurance, beyond cracked ribs, ruptured kidneys and detached retinas. It's the magic of risking everything for a dream that nobody sees but you.

~ Cinderella Man



Murphy's Law says this: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. Because man believes that things out of their reach, they can't be bothered with because they are believed to be beyond grasps and logic to understand much less control. But things that are within their reach, is attainable, can be doubted, can be altered, can be achieved. Strange. But how true. We believe that we hold our own fate in our own hands.

But how about things that are not within our reach and not possibly attainable? If theres magic in diving with her is the magic of fighting battles beyond endurance, beyond all the things playing in my head, cuts, bruises and the fear that tells me to give up. It's the magic of risking all that I have for something that nobody sees but her and me. I wish I could write a better story to show how much this means or for the fact, to find the right words at this moment to describe how much this means to the both of us.

At times I think being with EvilJanet is very much like boxing and diving.





In boxing facing all four corners, a boxer looks around and see the straps of ropes surrounding the ring. He sees the fearsome opponent not even giving him a chance or mercy. I look at myself looking up against the odds and I tell myself that nobody will give me a chance. There is always doubt, I look into my diving instructor's eyes and I see doubt. I started meeting her and there was a lot of doubt. But most times, her eyes and just her being around is all the motivation I need to stand back up. Her love pulls me back up everytime and whispers to me don't give up now because I'm not giving up so don't you dare give up.





In a boxing ring, you need to evade the hits and shots. In diving, you need to be aware of the rules and safety while still controlling your fear. In my life, I need to always be by her side always anticipating when I will not be number one. The worse thing is, its never her fault. So what do I say to her, I hide and tell myself that its okay she loves me but at that moment, I do feel all alone. Like I'm not needed. I do not know how to appear before her. All I want to do is grab her and tell her "Look at me. I love you so look at me please". But I can't so I step away for a moment. The problem is, she thinks I'm leaving her behind alone too. So I do ask myself, what can I do to make it better.





Sometimes, you need to take hits. Its unavoidable in the ring. You need to stand back up. Thats what counts. I've swallowed water countless times in the pool and you see me standing back up. Its all because of her. I see her all the time. I've adjusted so much to suit her. She doesn't know how much she hurts me when she doesn't tell me things. For one second, I'm talking to her and the other, I do not know where she is. One minute, I might be talking to her to find out shes doing something else all along. Sometimes, I find out too late about what she wants and what shes doing. Does she know I feel empty and am missing her?





But most of all, I'm writing this today to say; I'm here baby. I know the road is difficult. I have never asked you to change because I'm also trying to adapt to you while handling all these emotions. I don't tell you because you don't need to be bothered by how I feel. You are already tired as it is handling people around you. I do not ask to be your number one always because for you, its impossible and I don't need to be. I do not ask for anything except love me baby. Its two more days to Tioman and I really am here with you holding your hand doing this so just hold tight and don't do anything else. You don't need to touch the "wet paint" of my heart to know, I love you baby.

PS. Bie, this is our cinderella story. Against all the odds, I'm going to walk this journey called life with you and when we're done you can throw all your lion temper and tantrums you want. But for now, hold my hand. We're going to be certified.