The only plan is you

Being with you made me feel that maybe I didn't have to keep planning anymore because it felt like I was actually living. And that for once in my life I wouldn't have to work so hard at being happy. That it could just happen.

~ Boys and Girls

Today woke up sad and the day became worse when I missed your call. Just going through the motions today and nothing is important than telling you this message baby. I miss you and nothing is more important than you. Everytime you step out, the light becomes a little dimmer and the rain drops a little harder. I woke up to another emptiness and the ribena was sweet because you made it but not sweet enough with you here. People think they get used to things and don't feel so bad.

The only thing I get used to is this feeling that's so bad everytime you go away. I wrote you your note today, with smoke signals, telephones, wire calls all saying the same thing; I love you baby. Today, your lamb is writing you another story while you're gone, a little story to accompany you in Bei Jing when the temperature drops below zero, this heart of a lamb is here to keep you warm.

There are many stories of how the world came into being. But this was long kept hidden and secret. It was not the most interesting but it was the most sincerely written. The story is starts with a void and darkness like all start of the world. And they it began with light and the seas and the land separated. Each living being was rolled out be it from it's nests in the stars to the skies, from beneath the seas to the above and from behind the mountains to the deeps. All manner of creatures arose. Some no longer exists.

But they rolled out into being when the earth groaned and shook at the first light of day. A great many fascinating creatures there were, some magnificent with pride staring at the new world, some minuscule and frightened as being thrown out of their homes and some simply floating and mesmerised by the new surroundings. And with all the rest of being there came lion and a lamb.



They were not sent from the same stars and they was not much that the lion found pleasing at all when she first encountered the lamb. For the lamb was too foreign, it did not speak her language, she kept finding him disturbing for the lamb kept hanging around in the same den and she preferred others from other dens. The lamb was still young in the count of the world compared to the lion. And the lion was restless with how fast the mind of the lamb worked and it seemed too smart for it's own good. But she felt this comfort and allowed the lamb to remain by her side.

The many other creatures picked their spots and some were friendly with the odd couple and some were hostile. The lion always watched the lamb at the beginning of the world and the lamb always found a curious way to paint her smiles. At first wary, all guard was washed away and slowly warm feelings started to grow. And it grew with the world, the flowers, the beauty and the warmth. All was well and there were storms as the land started to calm down and began to be stable.

So many emotions ran in between and the lion and the lamb grew up in their relationship with time. And in time, the lion became more wary over shadows that peeked at the lamb and was jumpy at other creatures out to hunt down the lamb for she had begun to care for the lamb and she was warm beneath it all for the lamb. They went on many adventures at the cracking of the earth, on high seas to the skies riding on beasts of wings and beyond. They explored the depths of the beauty of the earth and often found sweet surprises always lurking around the corner.

The lion was selfish, selfish over happyness and the lamb too had always wanted to provide it. Once, it happened that the lion crept out early and left messages for the lamb but the lamb was too drowsy to realise and it made her sad. But once the lamb awoke, he never stopped sending smoke signals by burning the fields, by calling out to the stars so that she always knew he loved her. Yes, for they were in love.



Darkness was a sad time but never lonely because it was always another day galloping together, paw and hoof pass meadows and pass new memories that continued to grow and live on. Together they rode with time. The lion was at times edgy and nervous about how things proceeded and if the lamb would wander but the lamb only wanted to remain. The world was vast and the lion was worried that one day one beauty, one other creature might stay his heart.

But little did the lion realise that it took much much more than anything in the world to separate both. And if you look real close at the stars at night, you will see a distant star of a lion and a lamb riding each night, writing a new chapter each day of happyness and love. Where do they ride? On and on they say until the end of days.

The End.



This simple story's for you baby. I know you deserve way more than this but I wrote this for you and the moral of the story is simple. I will always love you and ride this life with you. On and on until the end of days. Our road, our path is now, and you are my now which you now and if you ask if you are my tomorrow, yes baby and a million times yes. How do I know? Love has all the answers.

Riding another chapter with you. You are here again and not here. You left with my heart but left all your memories here. From the seat you left empty waiting for you to come back to the emptiness I can not fill. If there is one answer baby, yes that answer is you. You are my one, my all, my everything and I love you. Missing you so so much. I have this plan for my entire life mapped out and that plan is you. Waiting for you..

PS. Today I woke up empty because you took everything and left me only memories that are only enough to last me until you get back. I don't blame you, only my love for you that grows stronger with each passing day. Missing you so so much my lion.

today I miss you

He kissed me tenderly, adoringly, I forgot the crowd, the place, the time, the reason... only remembering that he loved me, that he wanted me, that I was his.

~ Breaking Dawn



La vita e bella. Life is beautiful. I woke up today knowing that you were coming home and today I will be able to see your eyes again. I love you baby and this much is true; today I woke up smiling because in all darkness, you are coming home. I know today

Baby, today's story was in a far away land. Lights and fairies were free to roam and the skies were wide open books to be read. Adventures and stories in these lands were so common but none more endearing than the story of the lamb and the lion. And there is was on the plains of silence that there was this lamb. Silent as the night and gentle as the breeze for this lamb was lost. He woke up never knowing why was he roaming the hills and never knowing where he came from. And he looked high and low. Searching among other lambs for a place to call home or someone he could recognise.

And on the other plains beyond the hills was a lion, and she too searched. But she looked for her lamb. For it was many dark and stormy nights ago that her lamb was taken away and never seen in the mountains again. She hunted high and low, sniffing the air for any hint of scent but nothing showed itself. She hunted by day and night, following the stars. No river was left untouched or bush undisturbed as she continued to find.

For once, they lived happily tending to themselves in the mountains. And in the midst of the mountains, there was ever joy in each other and the stars would shine for them and the sun would smile behind the clouds. But the traveling hyenas always looking for an easy prey would happen to pass by the mountains and they hid and hunted for the lamb. For they were hungry but they were unwilling to oppose the lion head on. So they waited for the cover of the night and in the darkness they crept.

Holding him off, they rushed off in delight only for the lion to give chase and great was her anger. They made haste for the meadows and in the darkness, they fell and with them the lamb. The lion roared and howled into the night and started down the mountains. The lamb by miracle survived but cracked his skull and lost all memory. Left searching, they were separated. But the lion kept looking and the lamb kept searching for his meaning he knew he was missing.

Forests and sharp edges stood between them but they always looked. And many moons passed and one sunny day they met but the lamb could not remember and he looked in awe and fear. The lion leapt forward in joy but they were not aware of the eyes in the shadows that also leapt at the opportunity to pounce. They leapt to surprise and beyond the shadows, the hyenas appeared ready to take advantage of surprise and a tired lion. But the lamb too would have none of that and rammed right into the horde of hyenas.

The lion gaining composure clawed and roared them into escape. Looking and gazing at the lion, the lamb muttered, "You seem so familiar. Your eyes tell me so many stories but where my mind fails, my heart speaks. I know your face" The lion, teary eyed, said, "You are my lamb and I'm your lion. We are meant to be. Do you not remember me?"

To which the puzzled lamb, spoke, "But you are mighty and I am weak. My head aches but this is clear in my mind. You are everything to me right now." The lion, gently purred and moved forward, "Indeed you are my meaning and I am yours. We should go home now. You must have been so frightened and without you, I know nothing but sadness." The lamb stepped forward, "But I was never afraid, somehow, somewhere, although I do not remember you, I knew you would come. Because I am yours and you are mine."

With that, they vanished. Some say the lamb never remembered his past and came to love the lion again. Some say that the lamb remembered and too came to love her as once was. I like to think that they were meant to be. It is written. The lamb only knows this; today was made to love a lion and today is another chapter of love that the lamb is waiting to complete with the lion. Whether I can feel your hand or not, your heart is here with me and mine with yours. I love you baby and I miss you so so much.

PS. Bie, I'm here waiting. Lamb is not going anywhere. I'm going to be here. Waiting for you. Smile for me baby because I am for you, only you.

i miss you today...my everything

Holden: I crave you! I wanna know everything about you. Who are you?
Justine: I'm just this woman.



Yes baby, you are more than just this woman. You are my everything and I miss everything about you today. Yes, maybe I may not be smiling much when hearing from you while in the middle of a trip that you will be away again next week on another trip. But the truth is you made me smile today. You make me want to wake up to today. You made me smile when I heard your voice and you definitely made me smile when you told me you love me. As to the question of whether I know that? Of course I know that, it's the part of not being able to tell you the same face to face that maybe I'm not smiling that brightly.

But today, today is beautiful. I can list a few reasons why it is beautiful. For one, it's beautiful because you sound so sexy waking up in the morning. Secondly, today is beautiful simply because you live in it and maybe more so beautiful because today, you begin your trip back. I know I mention today a lot but today, I smile for you and I think there's nothing more beautiful than to have someone you love to smile for and look forward to meeting.

Baby, I want to write you another story today and I hope you will like it. Am not sure when you will read this but I hope you like this story. Today's story has a title, it's called, "Saving Private Lamb".

Lamb was a sad soul who was pushed around and not taken seriously in the community of other lambs. Lamb was too short they said, and he had parallel feet too some thought. The country of Lamb was under the threat of the invading alien force. So Lamb signed up for the army in hopes of finding meaning and to perhaps earn respect. Lamb was not the fastest runner, or the toughest soldier, or even the most sharpshooter in the army. But he was the most persistent and the one who endured the most humiliation. Because he realised that if he quit and went back, the band of lambs back home would only humiliate him further. So he persevered and was patient.

He bid his time and practiced hard to be the best private in the army. He never was the best but he was ready when he was called to the frontline. His unit, the 23rd Lamb infantry was assigned the difficult and most dangerous task of holding the frontline against the savage army of the invading aliens. Taking control of Fort Freedom One, Lamb and his unit fought bravely but as one by one of the other Infantry units were taken out, they were forced to fall back and defend behind the walls of Freedom One.

The aliens were savage and food supplies and weapons were running low. But Private Lamb refused to give up and urged the defenders on. One of the infantry unit managed to sneak by and run for help. Back at defense headquarters, they understood the importance of rescuing and recapturing Fort Freedom One so they agreed to send in the best agent, Private Lion to head the rescue party. Private Lion was one of the best in the army and she had been trained for specific rescue missions. The rescue party set out with full zest and enthusiasm to drive back the invaders.

There was a lot of coordination in between and Private Lamb offered to head the plan to ignite the bomb that would signal the start of the joint attack within and from outside Fort Freedom One. At dawn when it was most quiet on the 21st day of the tenth month, Private Lamb burst forth with guns blazing and as the others covered him, he set about to detonate the bomb. Everything went well except for the fact that the walls caved in with the explosion and Private Lamb found himself trapped. Knocking around he was surprised to also find Private Lion. Private Lion who came to support found herself trapped as well when the walls caved in.

Laughing in despair at their state, Private Lamb remarked, "Wasn't there a movie called saving Private Ryan? Maybe you're the one needing saving now miss". Private Lion growled in reply, "Yeah, did you think I did not know about the movie?". Private Lamb said, "It's not that. It's more maybe you're the one that I came into the army for. Maybe the entire reason of my life was up to this point. Maybe it's not about proving things to people and more about living my life. I think it's all to this point. I have nothing to prove. Let's get out of here".

Clasping their hands, they worked a way out through the cracks and by then the fighting was already over. They had won the day and driven the aliens back from taking over the last remaining fort at the frontline. "We live to fight another day then. Life is beautiful" Private Lamb smiled as they walked into the sunset.

I think loving you is about being persistent enough in loving and caring enough for you each day of our lives whether you are here physically or not. I think loving you is about believing in the bigger picture that we have a lifetime worth of loving and that keeps me alive and smiling everyday. You are my reasons. You are all my reasons. So you don't have to remind me to smile for you baby. Because of you, I am smiling everyday and living every moment. I know you are there for me always, when it counts and when you just are there. I hope I am here for you always.

You're not here today but that does not mean I can't fight for our love, I believe that I can make you smile even when you can not see me face to face. I believe that at this point, everything leads to us. Maybe all my life, I have been waiting for this moment to be with you. There are many battles ahead but in this war of life, trust me that I am your soldier, I'm not the best, the strongest, or even the toughest but I'm the one who will stand with you everyday for the rest of our lives. And everyday, I will paint you a smile that will last. And I can’t wait for our ending, that happily ever after. Today is beautiful day, baby. Miss you so much from the heart.

PS. Bie, waiting for perfection to come back to my life. I love you. I hope I can "save" you the same way you "saved" me. Smile for me today bie because I'm smiling and waiting for you :)

the only Storm is not having u here with me

Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide, but I love you, until the end of time.

~ Moulin Rogue



Woke up today and there was this feeling of emptiness. Sometimes I get confused on how do I write for you, whether do I address you as her, or lion or as you. But today I am clear on this; I miss you so so much and my heart tells me that everything seems meaningless without you. YOU, YOU, YOU are this enormous thing that has gone empty today. I woke up to a missing person by my side and no warmth in the sheets. I woke up to this empty feeling because the biggest part of me is going away today.

It doesn't hurt but it feels so meaningless without you today baby. I told you whenever I can that everytime you go away, it does not get any easier, I miss you all the more. I know yes it's ridiculous because you're only gone for two days. But to me that's two entire days without you. I don't need you to see a familiar face or to feel warmth although you do all that to me, I need you and I miss you because you are every single meaning in my life and I am lost without you. Today I rushed to the airport but was still slightly late. Yes it's disappointing but nothing to be sad of baby as I know I'm on your mind. Did you know you never left mine too?

Today is the first day and the first night that you are away is always the toughest. Baby, I want to write this story so that maybe it can warm your night. Now, far away in this land there was this lamb who galloped hard into the day everyday wanting to write the loveliest fables and stories that the land could provide. He galloped far and wide, looking and searching high and low for that one story that would make his everyday. He wrote about the stars, the seas and sand, the green trees in meadows. Stories that would make people read in awe and inspiring. But these were not the stories that he wished to write. Not the stories that would remain.

He rode high and hard, long into the meadows and out from forests. Looking in vain he rested among the bushes. Wistfully humming a hymm as clouds drifted above. Little did the lamb know that ever since coming out of the forests was he watched as he lay in the bushes. Creeping ever so silently, the claws of the eyes that watched reached out and held the lamb in place. Aghast that a lion was before him, the lamb cried out in fear and fright only to have the lion placate and instruct the lamb to follow. And follow the lamb did, past Gardens in walks, meals in front of candles, dances under the stars and into the depths of the sea; past skies with birds and even to islands of great beauty.

And in that instant of most despair and when the lion was at her most ugly, the lamb came forth with a ring saying that this was the story that he had been chasing. The one chapter that he would always write, the ending that only his eyes would see. The lion cried with joy and they danced into the night. Now there was a time when the lion was summoned away and the lamb had to stay. There was a long silence into the night as the lamb promised to wait and write their tale. So he wrote a letter that spoke such,

"We are different in some ways and yet similar in so many. The sky is shining when I write this but there is no sun when you left with my heart. There is no sun not because my world is not bright anymore but because it shines for you where you go. It does not mean that you take my meaning away when you go but the truth is that you are my meaning and when you go, you take that part of me with you. So in all truth, it's far from me losing my meaning. it's simply my meaning is you. Although I am here, in all reality, I am with you. So I am here waiting for you. For us. Because without you, there is no me. I am a lamb but I am a lamb that will make you fall in love with me a lifetime. I know this because no lamb lets his happily ever after get away not even for a day. To this lamb, there is no other story worth writing, worth living than ours. I love you."

No one knows the ending of the lion and the lamb but I think there is no ending because there's this list and we have so much to do. The world is waiting. I am waiting. I love you baby. I am here for you. I write this for you and I am missing you so so much. Today is beautiful baby because of you. Imagine how perfect it would be if you were here with me.

PS. Bie, I love you. Enough said.

waking up asleep

I may not get to heaven, but I am little closer to it when I am with you.

~ Ever After



You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. I confess I have been having troubles sleeping because reality, my reality right now is simply perfect and I find myself wanting to wake up at night to look at pieces of perfection lying next to me. I woke up this morning and found the bed I was lying on empty. And it pained me to realise that you're not here with me this morning. And I miss you.

Getting up today felt empty. Driving to work today felt empty. Walking into the office today felt empty. It felt empty because I was not waking up to you. It felt empty because I was not driving you and it also felt empty because I was walking into office alone without you. And what makes it even more empty is having breakfast without your smile.

Still don't understand how small things can ruin everything. Like how can you not smiling ruin our breakfast today which was supposed to be special. I appreciate it all but it means nothing at the end.

man/mæn/ Spelled Pronunciation [man]

There is perhaps more that defines a man than just physical attributes from a boy. And maybe it's strength. I have shown that I have been strong enough to carry both of us and hold us together at all times. Maybe that is a definition of a man? To carry both his and his woman's destiny and hold them both himself? Maybe not.

Maybe it's mental maturity. Maybe it's about how matured in thinking a person is to forsee beyond just the short term and emotions and do the right thing under any circumstance? I have always done what my heart tells me and that is why you feel secure in my arms. Why you can trust me with things when it comes to us. If you do not trust any of this then trust in yourself. Ask yourself, why do you feel comfortable and secure with me.

I am your man who will stand by you and protect you at all times, when you're smiling and I know you're trying. It's just I'm not sure what it is that you're trying to accept most times. Because you don't shut someone out when you're figuring out how to love him and just stop loving him while you think your own thoughts through. I want to be there when you're thinking something, not because I can change things or manipulate you but I want to be there when there is any issue with us. Because it's about us and both of us feel alone and cold when you turn away to resolve an issue. I am here and I will always be here.

It's not about a man or a boy. It's about this person that you love and I know you love me. Let it stay at that. Because that's actually the only thing that matters. The truth of the matter is, I love you and when I see you, you are all that I see. And I get lost in you most times. It's like drowning and the only thing I'm reaching for is you. I woke up to clouds of not being able to see you and I ate breakfast under clouds of not seeing your smile. But I know this. That true love is a color that never fades. I miss you and the color I always see is you. Wondering when I will see your smile again.

PS. There is no PS today. Just want your smile and my baby back. I love you.

Tuesday Waiting

I know that she is good and strong and deserves all the love this world has to give. Can't you see that, how wonderful, how special she is?

~ A Walk in the Clouds



There is this story about a man who became angry with his wife for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he was really mad when his wife tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. Nevertheless, his wife brought the gift to him the next morning and said, "This is for you, baby."

The man was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found out the box was empty. He yelled at her, stating, "Don't you know, when you give someone a present, there is supposed to be something inside?" The lady looked up at him with tears in her eyes and cried, "O, baby, it's not empty at all. I blew kisses into the box. They're all for you, baby."

Like that box, everyday, behind all this writing, there is love behind each word. I remember my lion telling me that each blog post is too perfect. Like that gold wrappings, it's merely decoration to what my heart is and I just want her to know that my heart whispers into each sentence and my love is at the end of each paragraph. I do not think my love for her is perfect but I'm perfectly aware that she is the one for me and I believe in magic, in soulmates and in forever afters. I'm old fashioned and a hopeless idiot like that and I just want you to know baby on all days, that I love you and these posts only mean to tell you how much you mean to me.

Everytime you appear in the window of my mind, I see you and you are wonderful. Writing this, I'm thinking of how to paint you this smile today and how to tell you that today, you are the most important person, thing, and event that I will have. Right now, you're rushing to the airport and I'm with you holding your hand. Whispering that we will meet soon. And thinking about that I, I'm encouraged to run a good race for us and be a better person each day.

It's finally Tuesday and in a few hours, I will see you soon. I woke up tired of another day not being able to see you. I didn't dream last night although I hoped they would be of Perhentian. And the truth is that I miss you so much each second you are away. And the drive today in xiao hui was slow as cars breezed by. Was driving towards Putrajaya turning back down to the Dengkil bypass and I gazed at the clouds. And just hidden under the sun peeking through the clouds was this rainbow. It was small but it was beautiful and it reminded me that after all the dark, there would be the rainbow at the end. My rainbow is on the flight back to KL at 0005 tomorrow morning. I'm waiting for my baby.

PS. Bie, your hobbit is waiting for you. You are my reasons. You are all my reasons. You deserve all the love in the world baby and that's all a lamb can give a lion.

Measuring Love

If I could measure the beauty of her eyes, I was born to look into them and know myself.

~ Shakespeare in Love



I woke up today dreaming of her three different times. Each time waking up calling her name. Fell asleep because was tired and each time I closed my eyes again, I saw her. Morning came and I felt so lazy to wake up. And then I remembered it was already Monday. Just one more day to go. Driving to work I remembered what we talked about and I just realised I just got through one of the most meaningless Sundays of my life.

It's funny really because I didn't do anything different than what I would not normally do if I had not met her but few months down the road. And just thinking about my Sunday, I feel awkward and strange how things have changed. How things are different once you have someone important in your life that what I've been comfortable with before seems a waste of time and meaningless. It's funny that way how much missing her can make things around me so dull and a blur.

Today's beautiful. It's a surprisingly beautiful Monday morning and I'm missing her every second but I'm listening and I believe like she says that she left her heart behind before she left. I left mine with hers to and I want her to remember that. That's why food here is tasteless, why sleep here doesn't seem enough, why my mind is always thinking of one thing, my lion...

I have a story for her today. Baby, there was this pencil maker who made all the pencils in the world. And just before he sent this pencil out into the world and putting him into a box, he took this pencil aside.

"There are 5 things you need to know," he told the pencil, "Before I send you out into the world. Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be."

"One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in Someone's hand."

"Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you'll need it to become a better pencil."

"Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make."

"Four: The most important part of you will always be what's inside."

"And Five: On every surface you are used on, you must leave your mark. No matter what the condition, you must continue to write."

The pencil understood and promised to remember, and went into the box with purpose in its heart.

Now replace the place of the pencil with your lamb bie. Always remember and never forget,

One: I will be able to do many great things, but only if I allow myself to be held in your hand. There is nothing great with me doing things alone for myself but in you, I find all my meaning.

Two: Together, we will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, by going through various problems in life, but we'll need it to end up a stronger couple tasting each bitterness together holding hands.

Three: I will be able to correct any mistakes I might make with you. Not because I can take things for granted but because with you, I know I have tomorrow to wake up to and look forward to and that is the greatest gift you can give me, the chance to be happy always.

Four: The most important part of me will always be what's on the inside and everything inside me is you. You are my reasons. You are all my reasons. I love you.

And Five: On every surface I walk through, I leave your mark. No matter what the situation, I will always love you and every step I take is just a step towards you. That's what matters and no one is leaving anyone. Because love does not last just a flicker in time, it grows stronger each day and we learn to live around it not by compromise but by embracing life together with love.

Another day to look forward to. Another day to miss you. Like that pencil, I just want to be the best that I can be for us. Lion, if you're reading this, your lamb misses you like crazy every second!!!!!! Need to see you, hear you and just be with you!

PS. Bie, you're beautiful today. I don't know why or how I know but you are beautiful and I love you baby. Today's beautiful because you're smiling when you read this.

Missing you with volume

Love isn't about ridiculous little words. Love is about grand gestures. Love is about airplanes pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love is about finding courage inside of you that you didn't even know was there.

~ Little Manhattan



Do you know that breathing is the most easiest job on earth? But it gets difficult whenever she stares at me like this. I always have to remind myself how to breathe. And right now, she's gone again. She left her heart behind this time.

I looked at her in the dark last night. I wanted to kiss her but want is not enough and I kissed her and I loved every moment of it. And when it was over, I wished it could last forever. Just moments before that, I was switching on the lights to wait for her for I knew if my head touched the pillow, I would fall fast asleep and I would not have the chance to see her just a bit more.

I turned on the usual song of "Leaving on a Jetplane" which I always play in mind on the eve before she leaves on her trips. My hand must have slipped because I landed on Lathika's theme. For those that have watched Slumdog Millionaire, you would have remembered this slow theme whenever Lathika appears in Jamal's life. It's hauntingly beautiful and when the music played last night, I saw my Lathika. Like Jamal watching her so beautiful smiling at the train platform, I was transfixed for what seemed like minutes as I saw her.

I saw her turning around again, and I see her smiling as she closes the door of her car. She whispers I love you and I remember again the first time she ever told me she loves me. And this smile appears. I wait patiently for her and I kiss her and every kiss I give and I take, I mean it, and it means everything to me. And everytime she goes, my tear drops still fall. It fell just before I could kiss her last night. And it fell again driving back the long road.

She's flying high up in the skies right now and I miss her. I hope when she comes back, she will discover our love is stronger than it ever was and my hand is waiting for hers to return, right here. I read this quote from Love Manhattan and thought, both of us really do not believe in these big things and showy stuff that does not last. But I believe that love is going that extra mile, loving her more when it hurts like now when her heart is here but she is so far away. Love is finding I'm braver than I thought I was in all our imperfections and when we are weak.

And I miss you baby. I love you. And my volume is this. I miss you so much that I think the entire world should know my pain not because I want the world to know how much I love you but I want the world to know how important you are to me, my lion, my elf, my baby. How much it hurts not to be able to hold hands that bring me warmth, not being able to see myself in your eyes and how much it pains me when I look around and call you name eventhough you are not here to hear it. Because, maybe, just maybe, you hear me. I miss you baby.

PS. Bie, today is a beautiful Sunday. You are beautiful. I miss you.

all bridges lead to you

It seems right now that all I've ever done in my life is making my way here to you.

~ Clint Eastwood, The Bridges of Madison County



In five days, an embryo or what will eventually become a baby, in the form of blastula attaches to the wall of the female uterus. When it comes into contact with the uterus it performs implantation. Implantation connections between the mother and the embryo will begin to form, including the umbilical cord. In normal human words, in just five days, a baby would already begin to attach to the mother and develop a connection that will last a lifetime.

In five days, a new movie release is measured in terms of box office success and is the most critical of any entertainment industry be it even in music for the hype to catch up. Failing to capture the audience's attention in this period is a definite recipe of disaster. In summary, any release has five days to make its mark in history and decide its fate.

People in the civilised world who were under the British imperial rule, work and get paid in five days to which most is spent on being happy with alcohol and a great weekend. People go away on trips and holidays by travelling to short distances and meet up. In fact, everyone gets paid after five days and gets to be happy and merry.

On the fifth day of the Chinese/Lunar New Year, people eat Jiǎozi (simplified 饺子), or dumplings on the morning of Po Wu (破五). This is also the birthday of the Chinese god of wealth. In Taiwan, businesses traditionally re-open on this day, accompanied by firecrackers. People start working after five days of Chinese New Year.

Five days:

If an embryo is connected to the mother in almost the most important relationship of the life the baby will have, imagine how much five days mean to me without the most important relationship of my life.

If success of any commercial release is measured in five days, imagine how much these five days mean when I've lost all meaning and hope and the only success I have is in being alive and missing you.

If people get paid after five days in the civilised world under the past Imperial rule, then my only reward after five days is to see you again which is simply the most perfect gift a sealamb can ask for.

If after five days of celebrating Chinese/Lunar New Year, people go back to work. After five days, I will finally get to work on making you smile and make you the happiest most happy and contented women in the world.

Baby, after five days of waiting, this is my moment, this is our moment. The moment of perfection when you return back to where you belong. Right here, in my heart that has never stopped beating for you. I love you and am waiting for you. So smile on the jetplane back, smile for me. Its a beautiful Sunday because its all about you and it will always be about you. Waiting for you.

PS. Bie, I love you and these words will ring ever true. It seems all my life, every moment has been one step closer to holding your hand for a lifetime. Waiting for your smile to come back :D

this side right here...its called i love you....

Only you, you're the only thing I'll see forever. In my eyes, in my words and in everything I do.

~ West Side Story



At sunrise, everything is filled with light, everything lights up and is luminous but strangely unclear. My heart fills with hope that its another passing day and that I'm starting today with you but strangely everythings unclear because you're not right here with me staring at me and smiling. Its the third day and its among the most painful in waiting for you. Being deeply loved by you gives me strength, while loving someone deeply like you gives me courage to make today beautiful.

Another day has gone, I'm still all alone. How could this be? You're not here with me. Michael Jackson sang it best on the radio today. I'm trying my best to be as lovable to you as possible simply because I really miss you and want you to love me so much. Do you know why it rains in Taipei everyday? Its because everytime I reach up and hold a star for every time you’ve made me miss you, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand. The clouds had nothing to hide so it all fell down like my heart in Taipei and it started the second your foot touched Taipei. You asked me to be happy and smile for you, so I imagined today as a treasure quest.

The Chronicles of a Hobbit

I still recall the start of the adventure as clear as the blue azure clear waters of the plateau. This is a recollection of events leading up to our historic ascent to claim the legendary treasure of TrueLove. This is written as a beacon to those also seeking to find it.

I still recall being there in the middle of my mundan and repetitive job when I'm offered an opportunity to join a band of explorers and head into the hidden worlds of the Lost World. The phone call full of hope from my dear old friend, Professor SeaLamb was too exciting and surreal that it had to be false. The intrigue and the possibilities of finding what I've been searching for all my life, the one, was too hard to resist. The elusive treasure that all men seek but only few find. The burning enthusiasm was shared by us, the band of five that were chosen by Professor SeaLamb. We set out in the month of June of the year of the Cow. We reached the plateau of the unexplored island of Taipei with the aid of native guides, who are superstitiously scared of the area.



One of these natives, Missing You, is the brother of a man that was killed the last time he was with the expedition led by Professor SeaLamb in Hangzhou. When the expedition manages to get onto the plateau, Missing You destroyed our bridge, trapping us across from our base camp and the other natives. Our devoted aide, Misisng You Even More With Each Passing Second remains at the base, but is unable to prevent the rest of the natives from leaving once news spread that we were spread on the other side with remote chance of getting back. They left after looting and stealing what they could from our base camp. We turned on Missing You demanding how could he treat us this way before Missing You turned to us with an evil mad grin saying, "I warned you. This would happen when you're seeking to find the ETERNAL TREASURE OF LOVE. You need to risk everything without ever knowing you will find it." Laughing maniacally, he leapt straight into the waters of FIVE DAYS that separated us from civilisation.



Deciding to carry on and investigate the lost world, the party was divided on the way ahead but decided to venture further into the thick jungles ahead. The party started to grow restless with time as we did not know where we were and were really LOST. On the second day of wandering, we were attacked by huge birds of prey, which Professor SeaLamb identified as the "LOST WITHOUT SEALION SYNDROME". We lost HAPPINESS and MEANING to the attacks. The entire party's morale was down but upon finding a shallow stream of fresh water to which the natives knew as "SMILING ALL BECAUSE OF YOU", we were again spirited that we declared that the waters of FIVE DAYS will not bring us down.



We crossed the middle of the island and reached the middle mark of the swamp called "TWO DAYS LEFT" in an intact spirit and supplies. Professor SeaLamb remarked that this was the mid junction of our journey and we were full of hope that we were drawing closer to our goal to where the treasure was last seen. We found some measure of happiness at least reaching a milestone we set out for. We also found some blue clay at the swamps to which I personally take a great degree of interest in, naming it "CALF THAT MUNCHED MY BABY'S HAIR". Making a mental note to myself to explore the use of the clay later, we left the swamps to the next part of our adventure.



After exploring the terrain and having a few misadventures in which our expedition narrowly misses being killed by wandering carnivorous birds called "WONDERING WHAT ARE YOU DOING", the remainder of our party, Professor SeaLamb, WAITING FOR YOU, LOVING YOU RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW and SILLY LAMB are captured by a race of ape-men, the "LIFE IS INCOMPLETE AND FOOD TASTELESS WITHOUT YOU" tribe. While in their village, we find out there are also a race of humans inhabiting the other side of the plateau who the ape-men are constantly at war with. I managed to escape and managed to convince THINK YOU THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE TO WALK PLANET EARTH, the leader of the men residing on the other end to mount to a rescue. We arrived just in time to prevent the executions of the Professor and our party. We retreated back to the human tribe to regroup after the exhaustive rescue mission. With our help and knowledge of technology, we defeat the ape-men, taking control of the whole plateau.



Gaining freedom to explore the island at our leisure, we separated into all four corners of the wind, each to seek the fortune that awaited us. I chose the path of "LISTENING TO YOU AND LOCKING MY CARDOOR SO YOU WON'T WORRY" and went ahead bravely. There were many obstacles but we had given ourselves the two remaining days to search individually. I refused to give up no matter the cause because something tells me that I've found it. And searching for hours beneath the barren deserts of "I WISH I WAS WITH YOU NOW", I managed to pull out the long sought chest of "THIS IS ALL I NEED AND HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR". Tinkering with the lock of the SeaLion, it finally snapped open.



Therein, behold, I lay eyes on it for the first time, the missing treasure of ETERNAL TREASURE OF LOVE shining like the sun, radiant and more beautiful than I imagined. The moment I laid my eyes on the treasure that has brought down kingdoms and destroyed nations, at first it teased my eye but now its caught my heart. Flutttering the wings it had, it whispered, "You have braved the FIVE DAYS and many challenges but you will have to wait a bit more brave adventurer. When the time is right, you will find me again. So believe and wait." Rising slowly to take leave, the treasure offered me a smile which I will always remember as it turned back to say "I love you". With that,the treasure vanished into thin air. Stunned, I still found it hard to grasp that the wait will continue. My eyes were watery with all the effort as the realisation poured all over me and washed all my emotions. So I will wait, wait for my greatest treasure to come back to where my treasure belongs, right here where its beating for you.

PS. Bie, F.R.I.D.A.Y stands for For Real I Decided Another Year is too long a wait. We have a DL list. What my baby wants my baby gets. Am waiting for your smile right here right now.

symphony of a sea lamb

I turn on my computer, I wait impatiently as it boots up. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail. I hear nothing, not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beat of my own heart. I have mail. From you.

~ Tom Hanks, You've Got Mail



Its the second day and was drafting a story in my head about sea lions and sea lambs dancing under the sea. Had to scrap that idea because the plot was not really amazing and it involved the normal boy meets girl story arc and they meet, fall in love, meet baddie and then somehow win and live happily ever after. Figured that it would not be enough and too common to make her smile today. My mind was busy tinkering with underwater love stories while driving my brother to his aviation center today, and I saw this mail van driving by. Then lightning from todays gloomy morning struck me right in my right membrane activating all my creative cells in order to make my elf happy.

I remember watching You've Got Mail when I didin't really understand what it meant. I was too young and naive to know what Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan were doing and how much it meant to receive a single piece of mail. If "NY152" and "Shopgirl" could get away with it on AOL, today let me paint you a smile baby before I leave on a jetplane to Bangkok and the land of elephants. This is a story of sealion and a sealamb thats written in the stars. If you join up the constellations that our stars make up, you will see me and you no matter which sky you are looking at. You're my world.

Draft Chic Flick: "You've Got Twit"

Setting: Someplace in a local residence in Subang Jaya, Selangor
Time: Afternoon sun
Cast:
Sea Lion (EvilJanet)
Sea Lamb (Thewrecktan)
Random passerbys

SUBANG HOUSING AREA - DAY

Eviljanet, beautiful -- but trying hard not to be -- in a black dress and shades, balances a cup of Americano and a handbag as she climbs out of her Toyota Vios under the afternoon sky.

A stray SKATEBOARD clips her, causing her to stumble and spill her Americano, as well as the contents of her handbag.

The young RIDER dashes over to help, trembling when he sees who his board has hit.

RIDER
Hey -- sorry.

Cowering in fear, he attempts to scoop up her scattered belongings.

EVILJANET
Leave it

He persists.

EVILJANET (continuing)
I said, leave it!

She grabs his skateboard and uses it to SHOVE him against a car, skateboard tip to his throat. He whimpers pitifully and she lets him go. A path clears for her as she marches through a pack of fearful neighbourhood kids and SLAMS open the door, entering her home.

VOICEOVER
Eviljanet was still fuming over the incident that happened earlier. The not so fortunate accident of encountering her dreaded foe and rival, Thewrecktan. It was a simple misunderstanding really.

LCCT - MORNING

Thewrecktan, young, bashful and arrogant walks in with his posse in a undercoloured tee and worn out jeans. Pushing past cabin crew to get to the IT department with his cohorts snickering and following closely behind. He's in a foul mood and not too entertained by a slow morning

Enter Eviljanet who unknowingly stashes a pile of documents on his desk before he even gets to sit.

Thewrecktan
Excuse me, you are? (betraying a sign of annoyance)

Eviljanet
Oh, thought this was the desk of IT support. Eviljanet. And you?

Thewrecktan
Thewreck. But otherwise known as the guy who doesn't like random stuff dumped on his desk by unknown people without asking.

Both eyes each other with a glare. Both unwilling to back down from the confrontation.

Eviljanet
Are you still sore about yesterday? Get a life and grow up thewreck. You're so childish.

Thewrecktan
I'm trying its just so difficult dealing with an adult.

Thewreck looks longingly at Eviljanet just wishing to hug her and say sorry. But he steel his eyes and stares back. Not willing to concede that he wants nothing more than to reach out and hold her hand.

Eviljanet
Yeah, well keep trying harder. Because its not going to get easier loving someone like me.

Walks off thinking why is this jerk not understand what I want. Just put your damn hands on mine and apologise like a man and do not repeat this again. Men...

VOICEOVER
We're back here in Eviljanet's room as she slowly returns back to reality and a shed of tear drops from her eyes.

Eviljanet
I miss you, you idiot. (whispers to herself)

All of a sudden the phone vibrates on Eviljanet's bed. Its him. The idiot.

Eviljanet hesitates. She wants to answer but a part of her is hurt and reluctantly she lets it ring for a few ten seconds before slowly pressing the dial.

(A strong silence)

Thewrecktan
Listen. Just be patient and listen to me. I know you're angry and no amount of sorry will change that. So please just listen. I'm childish most times and when you need me, I can't smile. I can be a pain on most days. No, nearly all the time. I don't always smile and am cold so it disturbs you sometimes why I can't be like you and spread your warmth and share your smiles freely. You hate it when I call other people to get to you and you absolutely hate it when I have my non talking days because you feed on my energy and smiles. You hate it when all of a sudden, you see my TL face and you wonder what volcano erupted for dunno what purpose. I hate this. I hate who I can not be to you. But I love you. And I want nothing more than to spend a lifetime loving so sorry if you have to spend a lifetime loving a jerk or an ass or an idiot. I have no song that I can sing to you now. No symphony to bring this romantice feeling now. I have no beautiful words crafted with a dictionary. I only have these three words. I love you. I'm going to bed.

Eviljanet
Shut up. Just shut up now.

(Silence)

Don't go.

If this lifetime throws me a jerk or an ass or an idiot, as long as its stupid you. Then I'm happy because I know you're happy because of me too.

I turn on my computer, I wait impatiently as it boots up. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got twit. I hear nothing, not even a sound on the streets of Subang, just the beat of my own heart. I have a twit, a blogpost. From you.

VOICEOVER
Both smile on the phone. Somewhere over the rainbow plays as the scene fades into greyish skies above...

(Bie, this is the same song we'll be playing next year according to our DL list which you asked for. I'm humming this for you baby.)

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby ii ii iii
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to,why, oh why can't I? I, I, I, I.....

Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

PS. Bie, you've got Twit. I love you and miss you like hell so please be well for me baby. I'm with you holding your hand painting you this smile.

the day you went away

Lamb: I know you probably won't remember any of this but I will, and I love you.
Lion: Grunts. ~ Sleeps ~
Lamb: (Hums) Tonights the night that I will fall for you. Over again, don't make me change my mind. I want to live to fight another day, I swear its true. Cause a girl like you's impossible to find, impossible to find.
Lion: Baby, I need to sleep...

~ Lion's Den, 2009



Sending you off is never easy and with each time, it does not seem to be getting any easier. Your throats hurt and my hearts in pain. We woke up and I wanted to hold you a little while longer but time would not allow it. Watching you put on your make up seemed surreal today and its like a dance where you slowly prepare to leave and theres nothing I can do but watch. I wanted get up to hug you then but could not find the strength to get up and touch you. I blinked but a few times as I slowly took in your every move in my mind, capturing every second for later when I would miss you. The truth was that I was already starting to miss you already.

Those were the glimpses I could remember as the moments that made up the start of the day you went away. Driving, everything seems so slow motion and you looked so tired next to me. I wanted to tell you that carrying your luggage made me sad and my steps heavy but your eyes were telling me that you needed to know I loved you so I whispered those three same words my heart was whispering. I held your hand close but it does not take the pain away. Your warmth kept me calm as we made our way slowly to the airport. I wanted to say you look beautiful today baby. The words just didin't come out and I ended up staring at you all the way.

Baby, you're going away and right now, you're in a jetplane hundreds of miles away and I'm missing you. When you told me in the lift that you love me, baby, did you know for that moment I loved you more? My heart's been smsing you non stop and my mind has been emailing you every second. So, I'm sending this wanted notice out today that I want you everyday of my life. No. Correction. Actually, I need you for a lifetime. You will be gone for five days and it hurts a bit to know that I can't be there with you, that we won't be visiting the dive expo together to try on our masks and fins and you won't be around to be cute, hot and sexy around me. It hurts a little to know that I will be waiting here like always loving you and can not do more to make you happy right now.

Maybe thats why theres this, this page, this blog. This to remind to me to smile and take care of myself.To tell me that you love me and that I will always love you although lesser than you but at least as constant and everlasting as you. I'm not going to add to the things that make you worry. I'm going to smile for you so you need to smile for me bao bei. If you're out there somewhere in Taipei reading this wanted note, baby, know this, the most important thing, I love you baby.

PS. Bie, I'm with you in your sorethroat, your pain, when you feel alone, always. I'm with you. I miss you.

The Tuesday of no you

"This is it. Life will never be better, nor sweeter than this."

~ Keanu Reeves, Sweet November



I'm unbuckling my seatbelt and its the early afternoon sun that greeted me at the parking lot. Stepping out of my car, I just can't help thinking of you while starting on the long walk back to the office. You just got off the phone and theres no breeze. I've just had the opportunity to at least play a part in the life of another stranger I barely knew. I still remember just shaking his hand and wishing him luck. I might not see him ever again. His road is going to be long but if he has the right belief and enough determination, he will find his way. I looked at him, knowing how much it means to live your dream, to want something so much, to work so hard for something that only you can see. I'm missing you, "this thing" that I want so much, that I'm working so hard to be with for a lifetime.

I remember the joy that lit in Burn's eyes, this 14 year old orphan from Batam that wanted to be a pilot, from as early as when he was seven. He told my colleague this, that this was his first time on a plane and that he was scared. He was scared but he consoled himself that he needs to be brave at this high altitude in a plane because he was going to fly the lives of hundreds of people. This kid barely spoke English but he held a mountain of belief and passion that he believed he could make it a reality. I have the same eyes too when you appear or when I catch a glimpse of you. Walking back, those eyes I saw were a reminder of what I am not today when you're not around. I'm scared when you're not around. Not scared of losing you, but afraid that my life is passionless without you. Am not afraid of you not being around, but afraid of what I become when you are not around.

My legs shuffled past the eateries, dragging themselves as I think of what I'm missing when you're not around. Its the same shuffle I had when I was walking with Burn earlier into the simulator room. We walked into a taste of him trying what it feels like should he succeed. I walk the same walk, thinking of you. Theres simply no point walking back to office without you being around. That was honestly what I felt but I have a job to do and here I was being brave and trying to smile for you. I've been thinking. Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself, wanting to be lost again. There are times I have to be here and you have to be there, and the space between us is just too much. You don't know what you do to me. You don't have a clue. You can't tell what it's like to be me, looking at you everytime I close my eyes.

I stopped by to get that sparkling ribena that we both love so much but theres none in stock and just at that moment, you called back. I was waiting with my handphone in my hand. There was so much that I wanted to tell you that no words could tell. There was this missing you so much that I wanted to share with you, but no telephone conversation could ever pass the message on. So I ended up mumbling on the phone when all I wanted to do was hear you breathe.

Blinking my eyes at my laptop, typing this down, this is by no way a post that I'm pouring my sadness into. I was actually thinking of something cheerful to say like how you mentioned that theres a Chinese saying similar to the meaning that absence makes the heart grow fonder or something that sounded like small separations make us miss each other more. I think its true because the moment you stepped out of my sight, my heart was screaming I miss you and baby, I love you. This post is simply, my heart saying, without you I am lost.

Then you smsed me this, go search on youtube..'funeral TVC commercial' by yasmin ahmad..Luv u. I watched it and closed my eyes knowing how true it is. Like Burn, I have found what I want to do for a lifetime and what I will otherwise spend my life looking for. I only have this to say today. Baby, I love you and I'm smiling for you. Can't wait to see you again, the most beautiful imperfection of a sea lamb's life.

PS. Bie, I want to live in your eyes, die in your arms, and be buried in your heart. I miss you and have been thinking about you the whole day and I guess that what this means is that even today thats imperfect without you, because of you, this heart of a sea lamb beats only for you.

how much do I love you again?

" Take love, multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of forever..and you still have only a glimpse of how I feel for you."

~ Meet Joe Black



I remember a time when you asked me for a few days in a row how much I love you. I remember also telling you that its hard to quantify and difficult to describe because it grows each day more and more. Maybe now, maybe now that I just can't simply drop by and see your face, I know. Its nearly the end of the first half of the day and I did three things today; miss you, miss you, and miss you. Yes, in some ways its always about you, in fact everything is always about you.

I thought that with every trip you go away it would not be so painful. I was both right and wrong. Wrong because the pain is still there and grows stronger by the minute. Right because with every trip, I have more memories to fill the gaps and embrace each time. The memories, it doesn't take away the pain but it allows me to remember you more with smiles than the thought of not having you here with me.

I think I'm childish in some ways, good ways - especially when it comes to loving you. Childish because like a kid who loses something so important, I simply can not focus or think of a reason why. I become so self incompetent, so incapable of living without you. And thats just for a second, not to mention five days in a row. Yes, I do function and breathe but everything and I mean everything pales without you. It fades and everything seems so wrong. The food sucks, I get pissed off easily, I ignore the world constantly and I only smile when I think about us.

When you're gone, I don't seem to notice time too much. I care more about the days that goes by closer to when you're coming back than the hours of the day. Strange, I always thought that I would want the minutes to fly until Friday. I think its because everything is irrelevant until you appear again in my life. I was thinking of something beautiful about this post on the way to the airport this morning but I had to slap myself up because like other days, and like I've mentioned in other posts like a broken record, there is nothing beautiful with you being away.

I have a plan baby and this plan involves smiling like an idiot with you for a lifetime. Somehow, with you being away, this plan is not working today and I find many mistakes and flaws in this plan when I do not see you around. So I have an even better plan, please smile when you read this because I know I will smile to know that you're smiling. I have words, and these words are all I can think of to make you smile when I'm not by your side. I'm not going to ask you to take care because you can manage that quite competently and I'm rather silly to ask you to miss me because its a given. But please, smile for me baby because I'm going to try and smile for you too. Its a Monday and I'm hating this week already but with a smile of course. I love you baby.

PS. Bie, each time I miss you, a star falls down from the sky. So, if you look up at the sky tonight and find it dark with no stars, it's all your fault. You make me miss you too much baby. How much you ask? Like it hurts like hell.