how much do I love you again?

" Take love, multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of forever..and you still have only a glimpse of how I feel for you."

~ Meet Joe Black



I remember a time when you asked me for a few days in a row how much I love you. I remember also telling you that its hard to quantify and difficult to describe because it grows each day more and more. Maybe now, maybe now that I just can't simply drop by and see your face, I know. Its nearly the end of the first half of the day and I did three things today; miss you, miss you, and miss you. Yes, in some ways its always about you, in fact everything is always about you.

I thought that with every trip you go away it would not be so painful. I was both right and wrong. Wrong because the pain is still there and grows stronger by the minute. Right because with every trip, I have more memories to fill the gaps and embrace each time. The memories, it doesn't take away the pain but it allows me to remember you more with smiles than the thought of not having you here with me.

I think I'm childish in some ways, good ways - especially when it comes to loving you. Childish because like a kid who loses something so important, I simply can not focus or think of a reason why. I become so self incompetent, so incapable of living without you. And thats just for a second, not to mention five days in a row. Yes, I do function and breathe but everything and I mean everything pales without you. It fades and everything seems so wrong. The food sucks, I get pissed off easily, I ignore the world constantly and I only smile when I think about us.

When you're gone, I don't seem to notice time too much. I care more about the days that goes by closer to when you're coming back than the hours of the day. Strange, I always thought that I would want the minutes to fly until Friday. I think its because everything is irrelevant until you appear again in my life. I was thinking of something beautiful about this post on the way to the airport this morning but I had to slap myself up because like other days, and like I've mentioned in other posts like a broken record, there is nothing beautiful with you being away.

I have a plan baby and this plan involves smiling like an idiot with you for a lifetime. Somehow, with you being away, this plan is not working today and I find many mistakes and flaws in this plan when I do not see you around. So I have an even better plan, please smile when you read this because I know I will smile to know that you're smiling. I have words, and these words are all I can think of to make you smile when I'm not by your side. I'm not going to ask you to take care because you can manage that quite competently and I'm rather silly to ask you to miss me because its a given. But please, smile for me baby because I'm going to try and smile for you too. Its a Monday and I'm hating this week already but with a smile of course. I love you baby.

PS. Bie, each time I miss you, a star falls down from the sky. So, if you look up at the sky tonight and find it dark with no stars, it's all your fault. You make me miss you too much baby. How much you ask? Like it hurts like hell.

friday lights out

" I always thought that there was this one perfect person for everybody in the world, you know, and when you found that person the rest of the world kind of magically faded away, and, you know, the two of you would just be inside this kind of protective bubble, but there is no bubble, I mean if there is, you have to make it, I just think life is more than a series of moments, you know. We can make choices, and we can choose to protect the people we love, and that's what makes us who we are and those are the real memories "

~ Forces of Nature



There are two kinds of breakfasts in this world. A note to make, my personal favourite was the one that was supposed to come on a silver platter. Its funny how people say that the breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I never used to agree on that but lately, the truth has never been more true. A good breakfast makes me smile for hours at a time but a great breakfast simply makes my day and makes me glow in a funny way. Its a Friday and I feel like an answering machine repeating that its the end of another week again and the beginning of what I know will be another fabulous weekend. This weekend is special because my baby's leaving on a jet plane for many nights and I know I will be missing her and this weekend so much when she leaves :(

The world as people say and describe is cruel and heartless in many many ways. And people end up delusional that the only thing in their lives are sadness and more lies and deceit behind every corner. What we can decide, and what we should be concerned about always is how we react to all these or even in most times not react at all and live the way we feel is right. Many things get thrown at us that makes us have funny physical weird feelings to inner doubts to thoughts that are unsettling. There are compasses in our lives that we need to hold on to so that we never get lost. My compass is our love. I believe that as long as I know my priority is constantly you, its way too hard to get lost along the way.

Its the start to another weekend and somehow both of us knows it will be perfect. Perfect because with your hand and you, nothing can go wrong. Thats the believe that I want you to have baby, that with you and us together, no matter which storm comes our way, we will ride it through intact and full of love. But enough of the negativity and pessism like my horoscope describes I am, firstly I'm writing this to chase away your fears and weird feelings but most importantly, I am writing this in order to write another chapter of smiles together.

Thinking about our DL list, the world is so complete and so full of hope. It sustains me on the times I feel like nothing is working out and the times that I'm tempted to be 'childish'. Baby, I want to say something simple straight to your heart with this post. Like Ben Affleck in Forces of Nature, just because we're together, a bubble does not automatically appear around us and keeps us safe. We need to create that bubble, by believing in our love. Yes, its only two months young but its the same love that will sustain us for a lifetime. We have choices and I've made mine to commit for a lifetime and to protect your heart from anything and everything that the world could possibly throw at us.

We've had so many beautiful moments, but its not these that make us that bubble. Its in the way you try hard to make me the center of your universe, the way you refuse to let go of my hand and the way you make me all your reasons too. This post is to say, you're not alone in doing all that and that we are here to make this happen together, one step at a time, one day at a time. One day, look back with me baby and we'll realised we've walked a lifetime.

PS. Bie, I still want to get a silver platter and your fav toy.

Colours

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place,
suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace,
suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste,
it all revolves around you.

Moulin Rouge



Baby, do you know what makes me happy? Colours. Yellow makes me happy because it is the sun, the start of the day that means its another day I can hold your hand again. Blue makes me happy because it is the sky, and the sky is blue because of you. Green makes me happy because it is the trees, its natural like the way your hand fits mine. Red makes me happy because it is the shade of your hair that sets my world on fire. I am very happy to wake up every morning. I am happy to see you.

The funny thing about colours is that theres so many of them. I always thought that words were the only colours I have to tell you my stories. That was until you took my hand and caught my breath. Until you saw my eyes and heard my heart. I knew you were the right colour when you felt, heard and knew my colour. You told me once when we were asking each other these senseless questions, that perhaps grey was your favourite colour. Somehow, I think your favourie colour is me. Yes, sometimes my face tells the colour of arrogance with a poker face. But its only the colour of love having you in my life.

People often associate emotions with colours, like red symbolises the colour of beauty and also anger. Black to sadness and blue to the calm oceans. Green to peace and pink to softness and feminity. Some days its a shower of a rainbow especially when you're around. Some days its the black of clouds when the issues can't seem to go away and sadness is all around. On other days, its the colour of your smile. And its beautiful. Because life with you is simply colourful. From my reflection in the shades of brown in your eyes to the red of your warmth when your hand reaches for mine, colours tell me so many stories, the stories of us.

The colours that float in my world are not the colours that people often see. The colours that matter to me are not what people think they should equate to or should be. What I often see, or rather what I always see are the colours of our world, the only colours that matter to us. They twirl around and change like the weather which to others may seem chaotic and uncertain. But they exist because of you, because of us. Life is uncertain and I'm wrapping mine around yours. The only uncertain thing that we need to know is how much happiness we are going to paint today. Sometimes, I do wonder if I exist just to be with you. Thats a beautiful colour to paint for a lifetime I think.

PS. Bie, some people have favourite colours. I guess mine is destined to be you.

Breakfast at Linda's

There is a place You can touch a woman that will drive her crazy...Her heart.

~ Milk Money

And they say that theres a place that can drive a man crazy...His stomach. Not sure how many agree on that point though. One of the most beautiful things that she does to make sure my day is perfect and starts with a smile is the meals she makes sure are perfect. The breakfast that she pours her heart into when she wakes up early is really something which touches my heart everytime.

From the crazy hours that she endures to wake up even when her eyes tells her not to, to brave the kitchen in the wee hours of the morning and all the work while ensuring that shes not late to work, every effort that she puts in, my heart feels it and is humbled. Humbled by how much she would do just to make me smile that little bit and just be able to see by all these things that I am the most important person in her life. She doesn't have to prepare a mountain of a meal or the most expensive of ingredients. Because each ingredient shes chosen indeed shows how much care she has for me. Each perfected meal shows how much she wants our love to be perfect.

They say you can tell a lot from the way a person looks at you. Her eyes is a storyboard beyond comparison. I have often described it as the brightest stars of my skies and even whispered that to her. Her eyes when she brings me my every morning customary breakfast simply says this: "I have done my best. I hope you like this. And I hope you definitely like me". And you know what baby, I love every breakfast, or every brekkie as the Americans call it, and I definitely love you baby. Your smile and you, are the best breakfast any man could ask for, even for this silly man who can't stop grinning when you first appear in the morning.

Now, lets see, if I were to compile my list of my favourite breakfast this would be it:-

1. Evil Janet on a silver platter and accompanying garnishes
2. Owner of a prince with raw sashimi
3. Elf with sambal toppings
4. Continental meal with you on a beach. Think Redang baby.
5. Any meal that your hand touches.

PS. Bie, you're the sweetest meal that melts my heart, the spiciest food that excites my everyday and the best gourmet that perfects my life.

you are all my reasons

"La vita e bella; la vita e amore. -- Life is beautiful; life is love."
from the movie

Life Is Beautiful



My eyes are blurry, teary, worn out and dry. My right is visibly swollen and my left slightly so. I can barely open my eyes together for more than five minutes. And all I see is you~ You are so beautiful.

She told me to take a rest and that she hates to be all my reasons today. She wanted something short and sweet. Can we settle for just love and just right? If our lives were a chick flick, she would be that hot chick that everyone likes and I would be that geeky guy that no one notices and steal her from the other hot dude right at the end. Now, why am I saying this? Because some guys just never have the stuff that heroes are made of. And then theres people like me.

I have shown her that I am weak and weaker than I should be. I have failed many times. Been a punk when I should be sensitive and despite all this, shes still so concerned about my every feeling. When I look into her eyes, I know what kind of man I wanna be. The hardest thing is loving someone and having the courage to let them love you back. I am scared at times that she reverts to being chicken shit and less sensitive constantly wandering mind. But what I am even more scared of is that she knows how pathetic, insanely and obscenely in love I am with her despite all my failings.

Todays beautiful. I know my eyes can't tell me much about what the world looks like today but it doesn't matter. Its not what you see that determines how perfect a day is. Nor is it the weather. Nor is it about how the world treats me. Its not how good I feel that determines how happy I am or how perfect the day is, although it does play a huge part in making a day perfect. The injection of love she gave me is the perfect start to the day. My day is perfect when I see and sense her love. She means the world to me. Yes, I can barely see and I am kinda weak with the way she needs to be with me now and drive me to work, but its a perfect day. Baby, you are simply perfect and I love you.

Today like all days, you are my reasons, my only reason. I am here, a sad and not very healthy man, but a man who knows how to love you. So baby, when you read this, smile for me please. Yours means the world to me. With you, life is beautiful, la vita e bella.

PS. Bie, do you hear me? Talking to you? Across the oceans, over the open skies, oh my, baby, I'm trying. I may be half blind but you're oh so beautiful.

a love letter on a Monday evening

“It still amazes me how many millions goes to discovering another star in the galaxies when, for all we know, we are still sitting on top of another undiscovered world beneath out feet.”

Martin Dansky



I am writing this letter from my heart on a Monday evening. I know I have writen you a post earlier today but sometimes the heart has things to say that just does not know how to rest. I know you think I always have something to say but I think its important to always let my heart talk to yours. This letter is not to wow or awe your heart with sweet words but a whisper that my heart feels you should hear. On a Monday with you, before my heart begins its symphony, it must be said that you are beautiful, the most beautiful in my world.

Baby, being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections. I am not perfect and I make you jump over everything big and small. You are afraid to see a frown or a face without a smile. But you do not have to fret. My hand does not leave yours easily nor does it intend to. I'm also here learning to look beyond my own mistakes and to love you with my whole heart, body and mind. I have failed miserably at times, turning my back to you when you wanted to hug me, created misunderstandings and even hurt you so many times. I do not intend to apologise because apologies does not heal the heart, only love does. Let me love you every second that lasts an eternity. Let me be here for you for a lifetime.

Bie, theres a lot of things that can make us afraid and I know you treat me as your priority and you keep shifting your rules around me. You keep me as your center of your universe and you are so sensitive about everything that relates to me. I know you want me to be happy always. I want you to be happy too and not change your life around me. I am here, to complete you and your life. Because you too make me whole. You want me to see your passions and the world beneath that left you in awe. Let me tell you now baby that there is nothing more beautiful than witnessing true beauty with the one you love be it under the stars, or in the depths of the ocean or in your eyes.

My baby is often worried that you will bully me if I keep pampering you, but your heart's too soft to even let it, bie. You think of all the worst possibilities but never forget baby that my hand is here holding yours this very moment and its not letting go. Everytime you are scared, remember that I am here with you, to see every moment. Everytime you are worried about something, I am more worried than you. Everytime it rains, I am here with a pallette to paint you a rainbow. Everytime the sun peeks from the clouds, I am here to share the sunshine with you but with my hand over your head. Everytime you smile, my world is born again and you baby, you're the reason why my earth goes round.

I would like to sign off as the baby of your life. But here I am saying I love you as the real man of yours. I will be faithful in all times, past all temptations because the only temptation worth living and dying for is the promise of a lifetime with you. I will be strong when you are weak not because I am your man but because you are my woman. I will be respectful because you are a lady that deserves all the care in the world. I will be sweet as candy because you melt a heart of a confused child. I will be yours because you will be mine too. And despite all my imperfection, thank you for loving me because I will be loving you too...for a lifetime.

PS. Bie, the only world worth living in is the one you're breathing in.

over and over again...

Grace Stamper: Baby, do you think its possible that anyone else in the world is doing this very same thing at this very same moment?
A.J.: I hope so, otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save?



I think I'm improving my repertoire of skillsets. I can safely add morning wakeup calls to my ever growing list of skills now. Shes so beautiful today which seems to be a given now and on days like today when she can't stop smiling, even my tired eyes don't seem to be bothering me much. My nose has been sniffing and I blame it on not being able to smell her nearby now. Another perfect weekend waved us goodbye and frankly, it still feels like a Sunday. I've been letting the clouds drift me away into the Vatican, into space and into warm sheets. Her eyes are so dreamy to stare at that shes been captivating me the entire weekend and I still can't get enough of her. The passion between us seems to be reaching a whole new untouched level. The only thing that bothered me about her upcoming June trips last week seemed to have vanished during the two days of rest.

Watching Armageddon with her despite only having a fan in my living room is something else. We caught two movies in a row in a single day and still spending two full days with her seems lacking so much. Not lacking of her of course, but lacking on a Monday morning when I started missing her the moment I started walking into the IT department. I would like to state that I insist on spoiling her and demand that she expect higher standards from me. From the way I love her, to the way I manja her to the way that we live out our everyday. For someone so perfect, she has every right to demand perfection from an imperfect person and there is nothing more that would make me happy than to paint her that perfect smile.

Her smile lit up my day today and her hand on mine was a brush of warmth that no sunshine can ever buy. She says she found her jackpot while for me, shes my greatest treasure that I know I will ever find. I think everything happens for a reason. I do not see any greater reason for her other than my greatest ups and downs in my life. We're deciding on diving although I'm a wuss and can't swim. We've living our dreams together and theres nothing more perfect than holding her hand and seeing the world through our eyes. We're rewriting our chapters of our lives as we go along and every line seems all the more sweet with each passing second. Do not know what we have around the next corner of our road, but I'm not afraid and I truly believe that as long as we continue to hold hands, anything is possible; my greatest triumph, all my reasons, my everything.

PS. Bie, start drawing up that list and start counting those jumping out of the car ;P

friday came to visit again

Meredith: Dr. Shepherd.
Derek: Dr. Shepherd? This morning I was Derek, now it's Dr. Shepherd.
Meredith: Dr. Shepherd we should pretend it never happened.
Derek: What never happened? You sleeping with me last night? Or you throwing me out this morning? Because both are fond memories I'd like to hang on to.
Meredith: No, there will be no more memories. I'm not the girl in the bar anymore and you're not the guy. This can't exist. You get that, right?
Derek: You took advantage of me and now you want to forget it?
Meredith: I did not take—
Derek: I was drunk, vulnerable and good looking and you took advantage.
Meredith: Okay, I was the one who was drunk and you are NOT that good looking.
Derek: Maybe not today, but last night I was very good looking. I had on my red shirt, my good looking shirt and you took advantage.
Meredith: I did not!
Derek: Would you like to take advantage again, say Friday night?
Meredith: No! You're an attending and I'm your intern! Stop looking at me like that.
Derek: Like what?
Meredith: Like you've seen me naked.



There was a day at the office when we were first starting out and I was just starting to get used to her hand and I would stare at her in a way which she found adoring (I personally think I look at her cute :) ) that she said the exact same thing to me. Must be from the same script that she saw on Grey's. She did mention it was the same but I never really saw the episode. Just thinking back how far we've come. Its only been a short while in terms of human calculations but its amazingly intense in the journey that we've been holding hands. I have always said that the only thing I regret is not making her smile more and there is another thing that I want her to know also, that the smiles she gives me, there is nothing sweeter than that in the world.

Theres just so much love in her smile that she reserves for me, in the touch of her hand that she coyly places on mine and the way she leans her head on my shoulders, she keeps insisting on filling my world with so much love. With a blink of an eye, another week is coming to pass. Time really seems to fly with her by my side. She wants to make each moment with me special and I really appreciate that. That somehow people could take her for granted, the people around her who see her everyday do not know how special she is. And when I see her as special, it makes me feel good. For the fact that no one except me sees her for who she really is; the most wonderful woman a man could ask to love. That shes someone so special but people just treat her as someone normal, I guess that I'm lucky I see beyond all that, that she really is simply...perfect.

She always tells me that shes just a normal girl. But when I look at her, I see anything but normal. Anything that I have in me that is special is her. I hope she knows this even when there is so much noise around that distracts and there is so much that can worry her, that nothing is more important than her. That she is always my numero uno in all that I do, think and feel and even in the things that I do not do, think and feel. Todays beautiful holding her hand and the weekend is only just beginning.

PS. Bie, how was it I was looking at you again? :P

My angel?

I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.

City of Angels



Nicholas Cage, plays Seth, an angel who watches over those who are dying and leads them to the next life. He and one of his fellow angels, Cassiel like to ask people what their favourite thing in life was when they escorted them to the other side and they never really understood humans. That is until Seth meets Maggie, played by Meg Ryan. Seth decides to fall and be mortal and in turn be human in order to love her. Maggie is taken away in a cruel traffic accident but not before she tells him that when shes asked what her favourite thing was, she would answer Seth. Cassiel visits Seth after and asks if Seth had regretted himself choosing to fall to which Seth replied the above.

Its a Thursday and its another beautiful day. Theres a lot of noise going around us and sometimes we both find ourselves distracted. I try to keep a clean focus on everything everyday but with her, its so difficult. I'm holding her hand today and she insists on pampering me so much. I remember once she smsed me that she takes care of her things and belongings well. And I remember that if I did not want to fall into West Lake, I should decide to belong to her. Right now, the only thing I regret not doing was making her more happy every second and that I should only be concerned about belonging to her for a lifetime. Like Seth, I would rather have a moment with her than a lifetime without her, you are my angel.

Theres so much to worry about in life. But with her, with her close by, she says I'm perfect. Maybe because she didin't know I had to be brave for us even when I too was afraid. Maybe she didin't know that I was not smart enough in many things but had to be smart. And maybe she didin't know how imperfect I was but all along she was making me a better man. I am afraid most times, that I would not know how to make her smile. That she would shut me out from her world. But today like every other day, shes so determined to make me feel special. So focused on making me the centre of her universe. Inspite the fact that shes easily distracted and easily loses focus herself, she has never failed to put me as the main focus in everything. Be it from msn that she does not take seriously, to the meals that she prepares, to the times she would want me so much to know that I'm important and I matter more than other things. And for the times that I have failed her in all those moments, I am not perfect.

I do not apologise but baby, you complete me. With you, we are perfect. I do not promise to be perfect but I promise that you have my whole heart in all things big or small and I will always be here for you. In the clouds of uncertainty to the sunshine that we feel together, my hand never left yours baby. Where I fail, you have been there to make it perfect. Where I left things in a mess, you make it perfect. Despite all my failings, you still see me as perfect. And for all that, thank you for making the "mistake" of choosing me. Let me cherish you and love you for a lifetime.

PS. Baobei, let me always treat you like the baby and the treasure that you are.

Dont want to close my eyes

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time



I wrote a blog post earlier with this song, "Don't Want to Close my Eyes" only to get your sms. This song means something to both of us. Besides the bald coolness of Bruce Willis, a great movie and an even greater soundtrack, when we started out, this song kept appearing and its so true, I can't close my eyes when you're near. My hands were dancing the rhythm of joy. I decided how can the world be happy when you are sad? So I tore it apart, hit delete and started again. Our sky is raining bie because you're sad. My writings earlier were filled with notes of happiness but like any good weather channel, my mind now reflects gentle drops of rain. I will hold your hand bie through this trying times, make sure that you're not lost admist all these waves. Stand firm with you now when you need me.

I believe that everything happens for a reason and sometimes we do not see the reasons when things do not seem to add up or simply does not make sense to us now. I wish I had a reason to comfort her or to at least make sense of all that is happening. Despite all this, I want to believe that today is beautiful. No matter the days that come our way, as long as we are still holding strong, be it thuderstorm or whilrwind, the sun always shines after that and when it does shine, it shines all the more beautiful. We may seem insignificant to all that happens but what makes us human is when we decide what to do with what we have.

Bie, I wish I could write comforting words and beautiful phrases to steal your heart away again today. But my weather antenna is all messed up by your sad waves and nothing is that important anymore when you appear. The most important things in life are not things and nothing is more important than you today. Baobei, both my baby and my greatest treasure, I love you and am here for you. Always.

Pulling the sheets as the air con blasted after the rain yesterday, I still remember the hot shower just minutes earlier. Was running quite a sweat and my eyes were dreamy. Nothing beats hiding behind the comforter after a hot shower in the rain. Lifes like that I guess. Yesterday was pure heaven and today might be hell in some ways. One thing that sustains us always is passion. Passion in everything that we see and experience everyday. EvilJanet is simply right that its not about the pace, its the intensity of the journey that we are living with. I believe that even in the storm of the moment, our love will pull us through. I love you baby. More so now in the dark hours. Singing this song under the stars while dancing on the sand, bie, I love you. I don't want to close my eyes, waltz with me through today too.

PS. Bie, hold my hand and lets watch that rainbow after the rain.

the long day

I was born to kiss you.

Only You. I love you without knowing how, why, or even from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride. I love you because I know no other way then this.

Robin Williams, Patch Adams



There's an Italian painter named Carlotti, and he defined beauty...He said it was the summation of the parts, working together in such a way that nothing needed to be added, taken away, or altered, and thats you, you're beautiful. Been texting you the whole morning but haven't received any from you and I think you must be really busy. Just got off a conversation on the steps moving forward in social media but you were right there in my mind admist all the talks and so on. Wondering if I'm there in yours at this busy moment.

You came by to melt my heart this morning before rushing off but I've never stopped missing you since the moment my eyes opened to see the day. I saw you for a short while and baby, you're beautiful. Trying to find a meaning to smile to when you're not here right now and to find a way to show you I love you despite the noise thats all around. I find today very uninspirational, its like I do not know what to tell you on a beautiful day. Maybe its because you're close but not around.

Todays been slow and the pace has been awfully unkind similar to whenever you're not around. Waiting for lunch where we can meet. Its days like these that you wish you never had to see, especially when you are simply all my meaning there is to be. I feel I'm missing something so important, but I cannot place what it is. Something has not felt right the entire day. People say that its all in your mind, that everything is just a play of the mind, thats why you feel lost. Truth of the matter is, I feel lost without you and todays going to be a long day. But it is going to be beautiful with you as part of it because you're still holding my hand.

PS. Baobei, thinking about you every second of the day.

give me all the time in the world for her

"You know, that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and that person. And you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this gift. And you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it will go away all at the same time."

Drew Barrymore, Never Been Kissed



Never been kissed featuring Drew Barrymore who plays an undercover reporter who goes back to school to dig interesting scoops. The storyline is quite cliche and even Stephen Chow Sing Chi had a dig (three attempts actually) at a similar undercover story as a cop but this quote does quite summarise how I feel for her today. That when she appears, everything just fades away and shes all that matters. And the only thing in focus is me and her and the world are just minor characters that revolve around us. And I realize that that she is the only person that I'm supposed to kiss for the rest of my life. And for one moment I get this gift. And I want to laugh and I want to cry because I feel so lucky that I found it and so scared that it will go away all at the same time.

The weekend has been a pure mix of all emotions in a matter of days. I have seen the depths of how far I can drop and the highest I can achieve in forty eight hours. I have written many times that life is not in the amount of breaths that you take but rather life is measured by how many moments take your breath away. How do I measure my life when she steals each second away?

Its been an exhausting experience for both of us. Am wrapping up the two major competitions on AirAsia social media channels and this week will be another tiring one. Shes going to be late on most nights this week and she has been absolutely stubborn on refusing to let me wait for her. Feel on days like these that shes absolutely driving me up the wall because she matters so much to me and she knows it. I understand that I distract her when I prowl around and when she knows I'm waiting for her she gets more anxious, but its more painful when shes not around.

Been trying to write what my heart wants to whisper since morning but could not find the time or the space of mind to write something which does justice to her heart. I'm holding tighter now on her hand when I had come so close to losing it. She tells me how scared she is of losing mine when all along I've been wondering how long will she allow me to hold hers. I'm believing that it will be a lifetime and wondering if I can make her believe the same now. I remember the movie Phenomenon, starring John Travolta and he asked his wife, if she would love him the rest of his life. She said she would instead love him for the rest of hers. Give me all the time in the world to see it with her.

PS. Bie, 我要永远和你在一起! 我永远不会离开你!

Pursuing "Happyness"

I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

When Harry Met Sally



If Harry could say that to Sally, heres what I would like to say to you on a beautiful Friday morning,

I love that your hand gets cold when the air con in the car is turned on and you hold mine to feel warm. I love that it takes you fifteen minutes to put on your make-up in the morning. I love that you roll your eyes when I'm looking at you while I'm driving. I love that after I spend a day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I close my eyes at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because I don't see you everyday. I'm here today because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Blinked my eyes again and its the end of another week already. Shes so beautiful today. I think that loving her has been a privilege and a blessing that at times I do not deserve. She keeps on insisting on making my every morning perfect. How do I not be contented with that? She keeps me falling in love on a daily dosage and shes adding more from time to time. Its the end of business day and the start of a weekend. And like I keep telling her, all I need every second is her love.

Will Smith mentioned this in 'The Pursuit of Happyness', which I strongly feel like telling the world right now, "This part of my life... this part right here? This is called "happyness." How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye every night so hard.

PS. Bie, you make driving so hard as well.

holding her hand on a Thursday

Jerry: Hello. I'm looking for my wife. Alright. If this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen. I'm not letting you get rid of me. How about that? This used to be my specialty. I was good in a living room. Send me in there, I'll do it alone. And now I just... I don't know...but our little company had a good night tonight. A really big night. But it wasn't complete, it wasn't nearly close to being in the same vicinity as complete, because I couldn't share it with you. I couldn't hear your voice, or laugh about it with you. I missed my wife. We live in a cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors, I love you. You complete me. And I just...
Dorothy: Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello.



I was thirteen when I first saw Jerry Maguire. I still remember the phone conversation when Jerry (Tom Cruise) dialled wanting to speak to his estranged wife, Dorothy (Renee Zellweger) and he said that she completed him. Dorothy said that Jerry had her simply at hello, that the rest was not necessary. Sometimes, words are not necessary. I figured that out some time ago but what should I do when words are all I have to take her heart away and keep her falling in love with me?

Its a Thursday. The week seemed to have flew by in the blink of an eye. Its like I've been holding her hand while being sucked into this time zone whirpool and the seconds just keep slipping by us. Blink again and its the weekends again and the end of another week. She said it best that its been a rollercoaster but the weekends always brings some calm to us and its exhilirating to just do nothing but look at her for as long as time allows me to. These two days have been slow drives to the office, taking in as much time as I could since I'm no longer zipping along the highway at breakneck speed in between cars as I no longer try to break new record times each morning. I feel more calm now since imposing my own speed limit.

Haven't drove her for two days now and my eyes have just been taking in the sights, the early morning break of dawn that splits the clouds to the blast of Hitz.fm on the radio. And as Halo was on the radio, I couldn't help but smile as I thought of my baby in bed. Switched it to mute and dialled her number. Heard an angel in the morning and was driving my way again past the hills, back to the office where I would see her again in a few hours. I always think of what to write when I'm navigating to the airport. My heart wants to say so much but how to make her fall in love with me again today? Its a fair distance and gives me time to plan the day ahead. Today, I'm planning on painting her a smile that won't go away the entire morning. Not sure if I can do it, but its worth a try.

Besides the dialogue from Jerry Maguire, I still remember the catch phrase from the movie; that the journey is everything. I do believe that my life begins now. It ain't easy to love someone perfect but you live by it day by day, one step at a time.

PS. Bie, you complete me.

You are my only one

Wei Yi

Wo de tian kong duo mo de qing xi
tou ming de cheng luo shi guo qu de kong qi
qian zhe wo de shou shi ni dan ni de xiao rong que kan bu qi

shi fou yi ge xing xing bian le xing
chong qian de yuan wang ye quan dou gei pao qi
zhiu jing wowu fa hu xi lian zhi ji de ying zhi dou xiang tao bi

Baby ni jiu shi wo de wei yi liang ge shi jie dou bian xing
hui qi tan he rong yi
que ding ni jiu shi wo de wei yi du zhi dui zhe dian hua shuo wo ai ni
wo zhen de ai ni
Baby wo yi bu neng duo ai ni yi xie

qi shi zao yi chao guo le ai de shi xian

This song by Wang Lee Hom roughly tranlates as "My Only One". To be honest, my Mandarin is laughable limited to the basics that probably any kid would know. Heck, even kids would laugh at me. But this song does mean something and pulls my heart everytime I hear it. I heard it under the stars holding her hand dancing to the waves. I heard it again when she sang it meaning it for me. I really love you Baby. I cannot love you more than this. Actually, it has already passed the limit of love. Baby you're my only one.



Chris Nielsen: I forgive you.
Annie Nielsen: For killing my children and my sweet husband?
Chris Nielsen: For being so wonderful, a guy would choose hell over heaven just to be around you.

What Dreams May Come is a 1998 film about soulmates Chris (Robin Williams) and Annie (Anna Sciorra) are a married couple who following death of their two children in a car accident results in Annie isolating herself and becoming mentally unstable from guilt, and is sent to a mad house. After four years the couple reconciles, but on the anniversary of the event, Chris is killed in a car accident, finding himself in heaven.

Despite the paradise he is in, Chris is unhappy without Annie. When she commits suicide in guilt over Chris' death, she is sent to Hell. Adamant that they belong together, Chris decides to risk eternity in hell for the small chance that he will be able to bring her back to heaven.

I think I see a lot of her in Annie, that feels guilty over a lot of things that she does not mean too. I'm definitely not as noble as Chris who in the darkest hour decides to stay in hell for her before she remembers him at the end. But I remember that this is a journey of faith and its not ending until the lifetime is over. She asked me how long I would wait and when I asked her the same, she said four years. I told her I will wait for as long as it takes and I do not think human years is a measurement tool worth using. There is no number worth giving her nor do I plan to. Shes afraid that shes wasting my time and holding me back. I do not think so, not when I believe she will smile at the end. Loves like that, it intrigues you, pulls you and does not let you leave.

I refuse to blame her and she should stop feeling guilty because its no one's fault and nobody is to feel bad. The only feeling that should be permitted to linger is love. Redemption - Thats what I'm looking for. To take away her pain. Make her believe. Its not like I'm pushing myself or pressuring myself to make this happen. Its just another step in the relationship and I'm right here for her to work out the ruffles that appear.

Her hands tell me that she does not want me to leave. So I do not plan to because my heart does not want to. I sit back and think most of the time on how do we keep walking forward. The only way is to take it one step at a time. Keep believing and never stop loving. Simple formula and driving today just being there for her, nothing feels so right. I do not know where we're heading tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, the next ten years but as long as we both believe and keep holding on, things will always be beautiful.

Todays special like everyday I'm holding her hand, and its a commitment of being together for another day. Its to tell her that shes my only one inspite of all the hurt we've both been through. No matter what, shes the one through the good times and bad, smiles and the pain, there is no other that I want other than her. If only words could tell more than that, I would have found them to tell her. You are my one, my everything.

PS. Baby ni jiu shi wo de wei yi

if i were rich...

I got this email from an old friend in New Zealand yesterday. Been a while since I last heard from her and the email sort of inspired me to write todays post as it touches on a subject close to everyones hearts - money and the means to do whatever your heart wanted. The email read, if I were rich:-

1. I would buy moonlight
2. Build a bedroom will have a window which can look for the world
3. Have a pet with diamond teeth
4. Employ a pretty servant always ready
5. Use glasses only made of diamonds
6. Play golf on my boat
7. Use only spring water from the Himalayas
8. Toilet paper made of money
9. A swimming pool of perfume
10. A diamond laptop
11. A gold plated car
12. 24 hour security

Seems something that everyone would like to have. Lets see, if I were to compile my rich list, it would read, "If I were rich,:-

1. I would provide you with what YOU want not what I want
2. Respect you above all the money and things that money can buy
3. Employ myself to be with you 24/7
4. Make sure that you will always be in perfect health to see the beauty of this world
5. Buy you everything which money can not buy, which is my time, my energy, my life and my love
6. Learn how to sing Sarang Hae Do Dwel Gga Yo and play the piano for you
7. See the world with you
8. Make sure you're smiling everyday because you're happy
9. Build you a home not a house
10. Give you a family and not just kids
11. Make sure I can dive with you and see the world under which you claim is so beautiful and maybe just maybe learn how to dance decent so that I do not stumble and embarass you
12. Love you all over again

Clementine: I'm gonna marry you... I know it!
Joel: Ummm... okay...
[Joel calls Clem on the telephone]
Clementine: What took you so long?
Joel: I just walked in.
Clementine: Do you miss me?
Joel: Oddly enough, I do!
Clementine: You said "I do" - I guess that means we're married!
Joel: I guess so!



The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Today I can't stop smiling. I think the happiest moment is when I look right into the stars in the morning and see myself reflected back. I often think back and examine if somehow riches would have changed me. I think it can not be proven unless it happens, so at this point in time, I'm compiling a list for the moment on what would I do if I had the two most powerful elements in the world, all the money and all the time. They say that an idle mind is the devil's workshop and I couldn't agree more. I looked at my heart and came up with the list which I felt was something I could live by for the rest of my life.

She looked at me yesterday and I saw emptiness before me. It was sad that no one knew how to love her. That no one knew how to appreciate the most important treasure. To borrow from Nickelback;

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough

So I'll be waiting for the real thing
I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And you know this feels too right
It's just like déjà vu
Me standing here with you

So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end?
Is it that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Come to think of it, I'm already rich. Maybe I need to send out my own list.

PS. Bie, youre my list from 1 to 12 and everything else in it.

Paris maybe?

Tae-young: If we had not met in Paris, do you think we still would have ended up together?
Ki-joo: Most likely we would have.



She told me that this was her most favourite Korean drama. Of course I was curious about Lovers in Paris by then. Came in to check the emails which flooded the inbox and had I not forced myself to on Saturday night, today would have been a complete disaster. Been fighting to find time to at least figure out and check out the drama which she spoke about with so much joy. Finally, managed to sit still and complete reading the synopsis and endless love letters of the fans of the series and concluded that I would like to spend a few weekends just watching it with her.

Its back to Monday again. Another start of a week. She told me to take it easy this week. That I should probably rest more to love her when she tired. Do not buy much of that but feel that she needs her own space now that things are back to normal so didin't bother to argue at all. Love as I've come to understand, is more than three words you whisper or mumble all the time. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day. Feel that I need to also stop talking about love so much. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing although its absolutely true. What you feel only matters to you. It is what you do to the people you love; that's what matters. That's the only thing that counts.

Think I need to love her more also in the times that I'm not able to be around her. During the times when she needs her spaces and the times when she does not need me so much. Started out wanting to write about last weekend, about perfection. But, whats the use of writing of something perfect? I'm more glad that we had the time to reconclice everything and talk, just heart to heart. I think its extremely important to be open and we managed to go past the hurdles still holding on strong, finding out more and just exploring the relationship further. I feel more commited to her than ever today. Woke up, did the same ritual and fell in love deeper than yesterday which is something I have come to expect naturally now. Drove my car out and narrowly avoided my brother's car which he so sensitively parked so close to mine, thanks brah, appreciate the assistance, and started thinking of the day ahead.

Right now, completing this, its nearly midway through the day and I'm still lost in her. I think sometimes of the quote question from Tae-young. If she has not moved in front of me, would I have fallen in love? I have my answer. Jo Sung Mo. Its the name of the theme song for Lovers in Paris. It means "Only You".

PS. Bie, Jo Sung Mo.

Its Saturday again...

Life is never perfect, and love is never what you want it to be. I don't know where we will end up, but I do know that we share a love. As we enter this new phase in our relationship, I feel a chance to begin again. Everyone knows how pearls are made, sand in an oysters mouth... Well our love has encountered and will continue to encounter "sand" and other trouble... But as we work the best we can, we can make our own pearls. Someday when we are old and grey, we both will stand hand in hand on a beach of pearls and watch the waves come in, and know that our love has conquered all that has attempted to shatter it, and together we will be victorious.

Jerry Grant Blakeney



I do not know Jerry Grant Blakeney but his words somehow make sense. Its a Saturday. Been waiting for this day for days. It seems like so long since we last had a weekend together. Just want time to be with her, to take her away to a place for us. Hope to be the reason we're going to smile so much this weekend. We're learning how to love each other more stronger and more passionate than before. There is no formula for generating the authentic warmth of love. It cannot be copied. You cannot talk yourself into it or rouse it. You just need to believe in it.

Last night and the night before was the time I've seen her smile again after what seemed like a long time. Funny, how sadness can drown the sense of time and drift you away from reality. What is hell? I think that it is the suffering of being unable to love. What is love? It is complicated, stunning, it turns you upside down, but to find the person who completes you is the best sensation that someone may feel one day. It is like it was an encounter with your ownself, and as such, of course, it scares, it makes you think all your life over again; and you find out, at the end, that you were nothing before knowing the true love. And that, after you are past thinking, you realise that you are finished if you don't have, even if it is for one single day, your special soul by your side.

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. You make me want to be a better man. Its another hour before I'm allowed to come searching for you and my heart has not stop calling for you. Every passing second seems so slow. Waiting to see my meaning and to encounter my love. Typing this, you really complete me. I wish you were right here reading this now. Reading my heart. I love you bie and I am coming for you.

PS. Bie, you're the hottest. Luv u to bits. Never shut me out. I will be here for you. Always.

thank god its friday

Gigi: Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope.
Gigi: I would rather be like that, then be like you.
Alex: Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?
Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.



We went to see this movie actually on a Saturday. A day her friends tried to take away her handphone and her notebook while she was too occupied with me. Still remember the day she tried so hard to park near mine and how sweet she looked waiting for me in front of Starbucks. Still remember the details of that night, from the KFC she could not finish in her car and of the time she told me she got picked up in the very same bookstore we were in. And that she wanted four towels which is something I have not got her yet. I remember the details like it was yesterday. Of how sweet her kiss was, and how warm her hand was while we walked in the rain.

I have flashbacks of the times we are together all the time and theyre so beautiful. The details. And the moments we had and we are going to have together. Thinking back to the night, I still remember the movie we saw together. I forgot some of the characters because it was messy but it has some message that resonates with us today. I told her that its important to put yourself out there in order to love. But I guess what I should have told her and what my heart meant was let us both put our hearts out there together and be there for each other. Love is never a one person journey but a journey of two holding hands. Theres always the chance that the two may stray away from the journey but not if both are always holding hands and each reminding the other of the journey and each other.

Its always convenient and tempting to take the easy way out but true joy never comes from that. Between choosing what is right and what is easy, I would choose happiness. Which is what she told me in her eyes. I love you bie. Its not easy to always trust when there is no safety net and in so much hurt, I am so lucky. Its a Friday and let us paint each other smiles again. Thank you for loving me. For walking with me.



PS. Bie, do you hear me? Talking to you..across the water, across the deep blue ocean, under the open sky, oh my. Baby, I'm trying...

the only logic is love

John Nash: What truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me to the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional, and back. I have made the most important discovery of my career - the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logic or reason can be found. I am only here tonight because of you.
[looking at and speaking to Alicia]
John Nash: You are the only reason I am. You are all my reasons. Thank you.



Its funny how I'm writing my second post for you today. Maybe my mind wanders too freely at home thinking about you. Maybe its more me that wants to be with you right now. Theres so much that I want to tell you and theres so much that I want to do with you. Getting up from a short nap, I felt time passed so fast only to get up and realise that its still so long until we meet again today.

Writing this, I guess the thing that I wanted to tell you most is that I will be here holding your hand. I'm cherishing this moment and theres so much left for us to do. For now, you love me very much and tomorrow that feeling might be gone. But I want to stand with you now when it matters. Logic in the common word says that you or me might just leave at any time. But the only logic I find is that I want to be with you for a lifetime. And for the moment, thats all that matters. We get lost at times, but love will find us the way back when we stray from the path.

Life is more than mathematical reasoning and love is the only logic for me that will hold true to the end admist all the noise and all the confusion that the world throws. That is my belief. And I hope in time, it will last. She wants me to be true to her and not give her false hopes when there is none. I do not promise you that everything will be fine when I promised forever for no one can. But what I do promise is that our love will give you protection not fear in the darkest of our time. It takes time and we have all the time in the world to ourselves to cherish this. I do not need to make you trust and believe me. Our love will handle that end. I am only here typing this because of you.

All I need to worry about is how do I love you more and how do I keep making you fall in love with me. Because we need to live one day at a time. My heart tells me that its important to also think about a lifetime but for now, let me be here for you one day at a time. You are the only reason I am. You are all my reasons. Thank you for loving me.

walking with you

Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby they are tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But, I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had, you break it
It's the risk that I'm taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had, you break it
It's the risk that I'm taking
I'm never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
I pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....
Halo, ooh ooh.....
Halo, ooh ooh, ooooh........

Its so easy to sing of love and to write love stories because its always easier to imagine what it would be like to experience perfect love. To imagine what it would feel like, what it should taste like. But living it is definitely not easy. Especially when hurt is involved.

"I want a humane answer. A more logical, rational answer"

"But I'm telling you what I'm thinking. Not putting on a show"

Shes afraid of getting hurt. Maybe shes been hurt too much. She wants to prepare herself for the day I let her down. Thinking about it, it is funny yet painful on several levels. Nothing can prepare you for anything. She broke down her walls but didint let me in through the door. The only way then, is to keep knocking with a sincere heart until the day she opens. It takes time, patience, understanding, always being there for each other and of course a lot of love.



Love is something like this picture above. Its about two locks, opening up which they should not be because locks are meant to keep things in and well, locked. But when you open and when both locks meet, you see beauty. You do not know if it will be beautiful or even if the locks are a perfect match. But like love, locks are not meant to be like logic and rational. Love does not operate on the same rules. There are no safety nets. Its the same in life, we think we are in control, but we are only creating illusions for ourselves. Love is another platform of believe to not create illusions but rather to believe where logic and rational will not take you. Holding someone's hand is not easy. How do you learn to trust? I wish I had an answer. Perhaps the answer was the same when I asked what did she love about me.

There is no answer. Only belief. Love is like that. You fall in love over reasons that defeat all logic and reasoning. Learning to trust then is another leap of faith. Learning to trust with everything is something else. Waking up today, its another day. Another day to love and to be with her. I'm counting my days as blessings. I think what makes her afraid is that she has no control. Nobody has total control over anything. But no matter the reasons, I will always be here walking with her, holding her hand. For another day. One day at a time.

PS. Bie, missing you singing our song for me.

still waiting...

Daniel: Tell her that you love her.
Sam: No way! Anyway, they fly tonight.
Daniel: Even better! Sam, you've got nothin' to lose, and you'll always regret it if you don't! I never told your mom enough. I should have told her everyday because she was perfect everyday. You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over 'til its over.



Typing this out, I'm feeling slightly delusional. My fever is still under control. My heads stopped spinning when I saw her this morning, maybe the two panadols helped but it completely vanished when she held my hand. There was not the usual warmth but it was good enough to chase the headache away and that says something. My eyes are still burning but its stopped being watery. My throat is flaring but thats expected. I must avoid getting the flu. So what am I doing again? I'm here at the office, to walk with her for another day, and maybe just maybe, be able to see my baby again.

On all rational counts, I should be in bed on MC. I can't afford to. Not at this moment when shes lost. I will pay for this later tonight but thats tonight. This is now. I'm practically willing myself to keep believing even when my body fails me. Seeing her today, shes keeping it better under wraps but the pain is still the same. I can sense it. Her smiles more beautiful but thats because shes no longer tired enough to drown in the hurt. She tells me that the pain will disappear, yeah I thought, disappear into your mind and always be there for sure.

I'm popping mints into my mouth at this point thinking how best to walk with her today. I need the mints because when I'm sick, my body flares up hot and my breath suffocates me and makes me weak. The mint helps a lot at times like these, to distract me and secondly, to keep my jaws not so uptight. I'm driving on empty right now, my mind is telling my body to do what it takes. This road can never be walked alone. You do not wish problems away or sleep hoping they disappear. You have to confront it head on as painful as it may be. I refuse to take her for granted. Her pain is mine, its ours. She will never face anything alone.

She tells me not to try so hard but if I do not believe when she does not, who else will believe? She tells me not to try so hard but all I'm doing is being here for her. Refusing to take her for granted. If we have a problem, we will face it together. I have to be strong for both of us. Shes in pain. I'm in pain. So I need to stand with her right now. I need to take away this hurt inside her thats gnawing at her chest. I need to try harder to make her believe again. I'm scared and my confidence has left me. All I have is belief. Belief in our love that will carry us through this obstacle.

PS. Bie, I'm here for you. Always.

i wonder why...

I've got to keep breathing. Because tomorrow, the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?

Tom Hanks ~~ Cast Away



No matter where I run to, I always end up here. Writing for her in the sanctuary of my mind away from the noise and the hurt. Its painful typing this post because I know it will not bring her the smile she wore for me yesterday. Nor do I think it will make her fall in love the way she was yesterday. Have absolutely no idea when she will smile her sweet smile for me or when will she look at me with the same eyes again. She says shes chasing perfection. I've never thought how loving her and always putting her before me always would upset her so much. Guess I'm not perfect afterall. But it was beautiful while it lasted in her eyes.

Its always a shatter in the glass of my heart when she takes away her love. I can feel it. And she does it in so many ways. She tries to pretend nothing changes and swallow the overwhelming emotions but her eyes don't lie neither does her touch. It was cold on the morning of May the 5th, 2009. And I think it won't go away in a day or two. Will have to mend a broken heart of my own while she hides her love from me. Maybe it would be best for me to stay away, at least she indicated the same to me earlier on a crisp Tuesday morning which would have been beautiful had she been smiling. Her smile was empty and her eyes were elsewhere today. There was no magic in my day and its been missing until now.

Writing this down, it doesn't solve anything but it does allow my heart to speak its mind admist all this uncertainty. She spoke the truth when she said that there is nothing I could do. And that makes it all the more painful. What would she have me do? Love her less? Put myself first? Would she do the same? Then, why tell me to do the impossible?

Thinking about the tears dripping like silver drops from the petal dews in the morning. It was hauntingly beautiful but it struck a chord of sadness that will not go away from my heart either so soon. Did I hurt her so much? Is there really nothing I can do? Do not think she wants to see me soon and its going to be lonely days ahead. Maybe I should shut myself from all the noise. Maybe all I need to do is tell her I love her and just believe.

PS. Bie, I have thought long and hard but still could find no words to say to make u better. Luv u.

meeting her again...

Daniel (Liam Neeson): You know, Sammy, I'm sure she's unique and extraordinary, but... the general wisdom is that, in the end, there isn't just one person for each of us.
Sam (Thomas Sangster): [referring to the Titanic film] There was for Kate and Leo. There was for you. There is for me. [Holds up one finger]
Sam: She's "the one".
Daniel: Fair enough.



Love Actually is a romantic comedy that follows eight couples in a loosely and interrelated tale all set during a frantic month before Christmas in London. Love Actually speaks about love in all aspects and how they encountered, treasured and came to embrace it. It came out in 2003 starring all the big names in British cinema from Hugh Grant, Keira Knightly, Liam Neeson, Bill Nighy, Emma Thompson, Alan Rickman and the other whos who. Heck, they even had Billy Bob Thorton as the US president. Was actually thinking of the third date we had where we had this impromptu getaway to watch Taken which starred Liam Neeson. Truly griefing to hear that his wife passed away lately and Love Actually was actually all about love which must be sad when you equate his passing of his wife and his excellent take on love in Love Actually.

Its finally Monday and I'm twindling my thumbs after finishing my required monthly reports. Thinking of something beautiful to tell her and of course something beautiful to scribble for her here when she gets back. Truth is, I miss her so so much that at times its painful to just wait and being unable to do anything about the missing her part.

I remember a story that my grandfather told me when he was healthy and before he was paralysed by fear after his operation. He told me of this lady in Kajang which was where my mother's family grew up. She lived in a vast orchard and various branches of her family lived with her on these grounds. She was married into this family where she had to slog away day and night to care for her own family and the rest that stayed with them. Carrying buckets of water for cleaning, cooking, and just taking care of the growing family needs would certainly qualify for tough times. Times were not altogether rough for food was not scare but it took her a lot of patience to make it through the days and be a responsible wife.

My grandfather's eyes would twinkle when he mentioned this lady, my grandmother. For she kept to her duties like any wife would but also because she bore the times with him. Never giving up when he was distracted by gambling and other devices, haunted by his family demands and where she believed when there was no reason to believe. She loved my grandfather and my mother's family very much. My grandfather told me that thats the kind of woman you want to spend forever with. The one who overlooks your weaknesses and trusts in you and your love even when there is nothing left to cling onto and most importantly, loves you with all that she has. My grandfather told me that when you love someone and you found "the one", do not let go or all the riches of the earth will not matter nor will all the time in the world. No dreams will ever sail in the waters of hope without the wind of passion and the steering of someone who will always be there for you. No dreams are worth living without cherishing the one you love. Therefore, I believe that the one you love should always be number one and let her always be number one for as long as you live.

When the person you love is apart and when you're in love, it can really sting and tug at your heart. You feel the pain yet you want the love to stay because you have not truly lived until you encountered true love. She asked me to let it remain, that I would not let this ever die, my heart from the start wanted the same. You do not let go the most precious thing in the world for anything. And she has become my greatest treasure which will last a lifetime. The most beautiful message that I could ever think of or draft as in the past was I love you. I think it would be more beautiful to add a forever to it.

PS. Bie, you're "the one". Let it be forever.

waiting for tomorrow

Alicia: How big is the universe?
Nash: Infinite.
Alicia: How do you know?
Nash: I know because all the data indicates it's infinite.
Alicia: But it hasn't been proven yet.
Nash: No.
Alicia: You haven't seen it.
Nash: No.
Alicia: How do you know for sure?
Nash: I don't, I just believe it.
Alicia: It's the same with love I guess.



I often revisit the movie "A Beautiful Mind" because for one, I liked that movie and two, there are parallels with whats happening in the relationship between Evil Janet and me. Somehow, that was the inspiration between the flick and me that I named my blog after that movie when I started this. Maybe some part of me knew ahead that this would happen? But that would be impossible. But it does make me wonder at this moment. Its the third day and the final day of waiting and perhaps thats why the movie came back to strike me again. Perhaps it is good to have a beautiful mind, but an even greater gift is to discover a beautiful heart. I think God must be a painter. Why else would we have so many colors?

She asked me to bring colours back into her life. What I didn't tell her was that I could barely see beyond the darkness when she left. The colour was the elements that both of us saw for the first time when love is so so beautiful. It was the elements that we were missing while we were cruising through life. But when were in love, every small thing that didin't matter seem to matter and everything with her was so deep and you keep cherishing everything. Nothing becomes too small or not important. Life becomes so beautiful. Of course both of us hope to see it that way always, as colourful as it is now, but the colours will change and it will be more beautiful, as long as we hold each other's hands through this journey called life. Todays really beautiful and shes so near, nearer than other days.

Funny how I hear birds chirping today. Were they not there on other days? Somehow thinking about her this morning is not so painful and more calm and beautiful. I think she must have wished it for me before she went to bed last night. That in her I will always find a measure of peace and a haven from the world. Typing this, I can't get the thought out of my head that it will only be a few more hours before I see the brightest stars in my skies again. Wonder if she'll be tired? Maybe I should get her her fav mango drink? Maybe I should just stop bothering about the small stuff and think how best to get her to fall in love again when she touches down?

Or maybe I just need to smile and love her with all I have. Its that simple but sometimes love can be simple. All you need to do is believe and just love.



PS. Bie, love is in the simple things but the most important things that we see and we sometimes miss a lot when it goes away. I want to give you a forever of a hobbit.

todays beautiful...

The Egyptians had a beautiful belief of death. At the gates of death, the Egyptian gods will stop the wandering spirits and ask the souls who arrived two questions. Two questions to see if they could enter or not or flee in anguish for all eternity. The first question the gods would ask is, have you found joy in your life. And the second, if you have given joy to anyone else in your life. If actually does not matter how those two questions are asked, the only way I'm going to get into Egyptian heaven is if I will love my baby forever.

Whats the use of getting into heaven if I did not love another soulmate for a lifetime? Whats the use of only finding joy once, twice when you should be happy for a lifetime? When you get to heaven, you do not get asked how many cars you managed to buy, or how much cash you managed to rake in or how big a house you managed to own. In a lifetime, a man is not measured by how much material success you have but by the measure of your heart and the love you managed to look for and give. Its not because I want to get into heaven but its because life is only worth living once you have found love, true love that will last.

Todays the second day shes not around and its like the first day. Just finished some work for the boss and been staring at her pictures for too long. Thought it would be nice to say something to her at the start of the day. Food has been and is still tasteless. You eat only to fill up your stomach. You find something to do to fill up your day and to try to smile as much as possible because she asks you to. You feel this emptiness but you can not explain why. Like everything you do is lacking something. Every step lacks a spring and sleep is never calm. Am determined to smile a lot today for her and because of her, the world will be a beautiful place today. Going to empty my mind in front of the idiot box soon and hopefully that takes away some of the emptiness although those thoughts are childish and wishful thinking.

Wondering hows her boat ride or rather her ferry trip to Yangshuo is. Must be scenic to take a ride down the river past the mountains and hills and valleys. Can almost feel the breeze blowing upwards towards her. Wonder if shes eating right. Wonder if its raining in the morning along the river. Wonder if I will stop thinking of her so much although I still think of her every second. Just want to be with her. Its that simple. It doesn't matter what shes doing or where. Missing the warmth of her hands and her goldfishes.



PS. Bie, words in the sands will be swept away, but you in my heart will ever stay.