Thinking out loud

Whenever I cried he would always make me feel like he would change the world if he could so it couldn't hurt me anymore. But now I’m crying and he's not here

~ I Love the Way You Lie



Perhaps one day when you read this regardless of what happens tomorrow, you might be surprised to find me finding solace and rest from all that is happening in this blog. Maybe it would be best to scribble my thoughts here afterall in the quiet of the storm. Finding you here is a revisit back to the sunnier times. What you have said in many parts were true last night. Maybe with time, many things that I used to for you were taken away. Bit by bit that when I do think about how I express how I feel for you, there is shame, a tingle of regret and more what can I do after all has been said.

To write again for you although I do not want you to read this now, I understand that making promises do not mean a thing. To figure out how to reach out to you in all this darkness, these few days have been constant inner thinking and inner figuring out of things. I too have been thinking about who I am, what can I do and everything else that can paint this smile back on your lips. I have had many nightmares of a tomorrow without you and even you stabbing me in the heart. But regrets do not mean anything now. I wake up thinking and touching you when you won't push me away.

I wish I could use what seemed easy to me, words to put out all these negativity from between us. I wish that I could show you again what it meant to be in love with me again and the joy in between. I wish that I could write you to your heart again and you would feel it.

But the reality is that promises do not mean anything without actions. Does this mean after a few nights of looking at myself, I have figured out what to do? Does it mean doing it will make you feel something for me again?

Putting words do not mean anything when there is not a shred of trust in you for me. All the words that my heart whispers listen as lies. So what do I do when I can't use what comes naturally to me?

I wish you could remember what I wrote for you here but the romance of these words have long past and in this darkness, it does not hold any light.

I wish I could touch your heart but I can't seem to reach it with you pushing me away. Every touch I make hurts you and it pains me. It might seem that you are in a corner and I refuse to let up. I find it really hard to watch you there and even more painful not to reach out to you in pain. I wait for a miracle. But is that the only way?

Will there be a miracle?

I haven't never believed in waiting. In miracles. Or in standing by being a witness in time. But here I stand waiting, believing in miracles, being witness to all this happening and not being able to do anything. Or is that the case?

I trust in the love we have. It has never been so easy to be extinguished. I trust in the thing that brought us together will keep us together. I trust in you. Because if you do give up on me, who else will have any hope for me?