chasing away nitemares

Listen, you hear it? [whispers in a raspy voice] Carpe — hear it? — Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.

~ Dead Poet's Society



We woke up today and she saw nightmares. I saw her and thought my world is perfect. It's finally Friday and the week that seems so long at first is close to an end. These days I know she's been trying hard to stay positive and at the same time be honest with me and that is definitely a right step in the right direction. I just want to be here with her and let her know that I care and all I want to do is make her happy.

That road seems still a way to go. I'm feeling sleepy right now and somehow I feel this peace today. Although things did not start off well for us today but I believe that there is a happy ending for us today. Everything seems to move so slow today and there is this laziness and it's not just because it's a Friday. And when I take a look at my watch, it's suddenly already 12 and I feel a bit cheated by time. I wish there was more time today to make her happy.

Going to paint a rainbow for both of us today. Understand that she feels I'm the only one that can hurt her right now and I really need to be more sensitive about things especially her. Carpe diem. It starts with seizing today and not letting another day we should be happy get away from us. Today will be extraordinary. What began with nightmares will end with sweet dreams. I don't know this but I believe this. All I need to do is love her.

I know of this story that I wrote many years ago while still in school and maybe this might paint her a smile in the afternoon. I remember writing it for a school essay and it was simple enough yet I remembered it because it was among the few that I put a bit of heart into writing. There was a little girl that lived in a house across the bridge on a small island. She was a very quiet girl this one. And it was just a few months since she had moved in and people called her Lucy. Lucy never got along well with the neighbours and was perfectly content to be alone with her bicycle to which she took many trips across the waters.

Lucy was often in a mess, rolling down hills and chasing animals in the woods. Anyone who sought to be her friend were turned away. She seemed happy enough to be herself. In the same neighbourhood there was a boy and he too seemed happy enough. He had lived in these parts for many years and was also quiet, cleanly cut hair and prim clothes, he often could be found reading under a tree. Peter was what his friends used to call him. Now it was a dark and stormy night when Peter was out in his tree reading and before he knew it, it poured and poured. Running for shelter, he spotted a house across a bridge.

And he sought shelter from the torrential rain. Using his book as a cover, he hid behind the neatly stacked wood, not for fear of being caught but more because of the rain. Peter was really cold and the light was really inviting. He peeked in and saw a pair of eyes staring back. The window opened and the girl muttered, "I'm Lucy. I saw you at school. You must be really cold. Climb in here." Peter was shocked at another girl willing to take him in the rain. Taking her hand, he clambered into a cosy room filled with warmth of burning firewood.

Sitting awkwardly in the shadows, "I'm Peter. Thanks for letting me in. The rain has been awfully unkind and sudden." Silence permeated the air. "It's awfully nice of you to share this cosy room witha stranger. And we're not strangers anymore I guess. Nice to meet a new friend Lucy". Stammering as he heard no reply he stood up and his shadow was towering over the room. Lucy barely stared at the firewood cuddling her body in the gaze of the flare.

"You can sit by my side if you want. It's warmer here. Nice to meet you Peter". Approaching cautiously, Peter noticed that Lucy's eyes never left the warmth of the fires. Lucy turned and looked at him, "Do you have nightmares Peter?" And Peter smiled as he said, "All the time."

"How do you be happy when you have nightmares?"

"I know it's not real. Besides I've read books that dreams tell us what we think. Nightmares are really what we're afraid of"

"You think so? How do we feel safe from nightmares?"

Chuckling as the fire bit upwards and her face became clear to him, Peter noticed how beautiful her eyes were and he muttered back, "There's beauty in life. Too much beauty in fact that fear never really bothers me. I find it in books, in how life is beautiful when I wake up and am able to breathe. And I find it in your eyes. You're beautiful."

"Thanks. But aren't you afraid. Afraid....afraid if maybe there come true?"

"Of course silly. But that's life. Life is too beautiful to be afraid. I'm here. Are you scared now?"

"I'm not. But you would go away when the rain stops right? And the nightmares will come back."

"No, I won't. I'm not moving an inch. I'm sitting right here with you, see. I'll sit here with you as long as you like. I can hold your hand if it makes you better."

At this, Lucy smiled with Peter. The rain poured along with the nightmares on the outside but something else blossomed within as hands joined and nightmares vanished into the night.

That was the part of the story I wrote which I remembered. I hope she knows, I'm right here sitting with her. I'm not going anywhere. I love you baby. You are my reasons. You are all my reasons. I will be right here. Painting you smiles. Happy Friday baby.

PS. Bie, my new hobby is chasing away nightmares. I love you and you're beautiful. Nightmares might visit you but I will always be here to chase them away.

spending friday with your heart

Jamie: I'm scared of not being with you.
Landon: Oh baby, that'll never happen... I'll be here.

~ Take a risk. Dare to move. Love is a leap of faith. A WALK TO REMEMBER



It's finally Friday on a week I wish I could forget. We're going to see a play tonight and I am going to go home with her heart. The only regret is that I wished I could take her with me. She needs time. I need strength and I find it in believing. There is nothing to believe except in us and I do believe in us. All I want to do now is wait. So that when she comes looking for me when she's ready, I am right here. Waiting for her.

I woke up wishing that everything was over. I wished that everything would end and that by some miracle, everything would be clear for both of us.Surprising how everything comes back full circle. How at the start when she had to go away, she asked me if I would wait. And now, maybe that makes sense. I am waiting. Waiting for that smile to come running back.

PS. Bie, I love you. It's just that simple.

friday lights out

" I always thought that there was this one perfect person for everybody in the world, you know, and when you found that person the rest of the world kind of magically faded away, and, you know, the two of you would just be inside this kind of protective bubble, but there is no bubble, I mean if there is, you have to make it, I just think life is more than a series of moments, you know. We can make choices, and we can choose to protect the people we love, and that's what makes us who we are and those are the real memories "

~ Forces of Nature



There are two kinds of breakfasts in this world. A note to make, my personal favourite was the one that was supposed to come on a silver platter. Its funny how people say that the breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I never used to agree on that but lately, the truth has never been more true. A good breakfast makes me smile for hours at a time but a great breakfast simply makes my day and makes me glow in a funny way. Its a Friday and I feel like an answering machine repeating that its the end of another week again and the beginning of what I know will be another fabulous weekend. This weekend is special because my baby's leaving on a jet plane for many nights and I know I will be missing her and this weekend so much when she leaves :(

The world as people say and describe is cruel and heartless in many many ways. And people end up delusional that the only thing in their lives are sadness and more lies and deceit behind every corner. What we can decide, and what we should be concerned about always is how we react to all these or even in most times not react at all and live the way we feel is right. Many things get thrown at us that makes us have funny physical weird feelings to inner doubts to thoughts that are unsettling. There are compasses in our lives that we need to hold on to so that we never get lost. My compass is our love. I believe that as long as I know my priority is constantly you, its way too hard to get lost along the way.

Its the start to another weekend and somehow both of us knows it will be perfect. Perfect because with your hand and you, nothing can go wrong. Thats the believe that I want you to have baby, that with you and us together, no matter which storm comes our way, we will ride it through intact and full of love. But enough of the negativity and pessism like my horoscope describes I am, firstly I'm writing this to chase away your fears and weird feelings but most importantly, I am writing this in order to write another chapter of smiles together.

Thinking about our DL list, the world is so complete and so full of hope. It sustains me on the times I feel like nothing is working out and the times that I'm tempted to be 'childish'. Baby, I want to say something simple straight to your heart with this post. Like Ben Affleck in Forces of Nature, just because we're together, a bubble does not automatically appear around us and keeps us safe. We need to create that bubble, by believing in our love. Yes, its only two months young but its the same love that will sustain us for a lifetime. We have choices and I've made mine to commit for a lifetime and to protect your heart from anything and everything that the world could possibly throw at us.

We've had so many beautiful moments, but its not these that make us that bubble. Its in the way you try hard to make me the center of your universe, the way you refuse to let go of my hand and the way you make me all your reasons too. This post is to say, you're not alone in doing all that and that we are here to make this happen together, one step at a time, one day at a time. One day, look back with me baby and we'll realised we've walked a lifetime.

PS. Bie, I still want to get a silver platter and your fav toy.

friday came to visit again

Meredith: Dr. Shepherd.
Derek: Dr. Shepherd? This morning I was Derek, now it's Dr. Shepherd.
Meredith: Dr. Shepherd we should pretend it never happened.
Derek: What never happened? You sleeping with me last night? Or you throwing me out this morning? Because both are fond memories I'd like to hang on to.
Meredith: No, there will be no more memories. I'm not the girl in the bar anymore and you're not the guy. This can't exist. You get that, right?
Derek: You took advantage of me and now you want to forget it?
Meredith: I did not take—
Derek: I was drunk, vulnerable and good looking and you took advantage.
Meredith: Okay, I was the one who was drunk and you are NOT that good looking.
Derek: Maybe not today, but last night I was very good looking. I had on my red shirt, my good looking shirt and you took advantage.
Meredith: I did not!
Derek: Would you like to take advantage again, say Friday night?
Meredith: No! You're an attending and I'm your intern! Stop looking at me like that.
Derek: Like what?
Meredith: Like you've seen me naked.



There was a day at the office when we were first starting out and I was just starting to get used to her hand and I would stare at her in a way which she found adoring (I personally think I look at her cute :) ) that she said the exact same thing to me. Must be from the same script that she saw on Grey's. She did mention it was the same but I never really saw the episode. Just thinking back how far we've come. Its only been a short while in terms of human calculations but its amazingly intense in the journey that we've been holding hands. I have always said that the only thing I regret is not making her smile more and there is another thing that I want her to know also, that the smiles she gives me, there is nothing sweeter than that in the world.

Theres just so much love in her smile that she reserves for me, in the touch of her hand that she coyly places on mine and the way she leans her head on my shoulders, she keeps insisting on filling my world with so much love. With a blink of an eye, another week is coming to pass. Time really seems to fly with her by my side. She wants to make each moment with me special and I really appreciate that. That somehow people could take her for granted, the people around her who see her everyday do not know how special she is. And when I see her as special, it makes me feel good. For the fact that no one except me sees her for who she really is; the most wonderful woman a man could ask to love. That shes someone so special but people just treat her as someone normal, I guess that I'm lucky I see beyond all that, that she really is simply...perfect.

She always tells me that shes just a normal girl. But when I look at her, I see anything but normal. Anything that I have in me that is special is her. I hope she knows this even when there is so much noise around that distracts and there is so much that can worry her, that nothing is more important than her. That she is always my numero uno in all that I do, think and feel and even in the things that I do not do, think and feel. Todays beautiful holding her hand and the weekend is only just beginning.

PS. Bie, how was it I was looking at you again? :P

thank god its friday

Gigi: Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope.
Gigi: I would rather be like that, then be like you.
Alex: Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?
Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are.



We went to see this movie actually on a Saturday. A day her friends tried to take away her handphone and her notebook while she was too occupied with me. Still remember the day she tried so hard to park near mine and how sweet she looked waiting for me in front of Starbucks. Still remember the details of that night, from the KFC she could not finish in her car and of the time she told me she got picked up in the very same bookstore we were in. And that she wanted four towels which is something I have not got her yet. I remember the details like it was yesterday. Of how sweet her kiss was, and how warm her hand was while we walked in the rain.

I have flashbacks of the times we are together all the time and theyre so beautiful. The details. And the moments we had and we are going to have together. Thinking back to the night, I still remember the movie we saw together. I forgot some of the characters because it was messy but it has some message that resonates with us today. I told her that its important to put yourself out there in order to love. But I guess what I should have told her and what my heart meant was let us both put our hearts out there together and be there for each other. Love is never a one person journey but a journey of two holding hands. Theres always the chance that the two may stray away from the journey but not if both are always holding hands and each reminding the other of the journey and each other.

Its always convenient and tempting to take the easy way out but true joy never comes from that. Between choosing what is right and what is easy, I would choose happiness. Which is what she told me in her eyes. I love you bie. Its not easy to always trust when there is no safety net and in so much hurt, I am so lucky. Its a Friday and let us paint each other smiles again. Thank you for loving me. For walking with me.



PS. Bie, do you hear me? Talking to you..across the water, across the deep blue ocean, under the open sky, oh my. Baby, I'm trying...