~ Meet Joe Black
I remember a time when you asked me for a few days in a row how much I love you. I remember also telling you that its hard to quantify and difficult to describe because it grows each day more and more. Maybe now, maybe now that I just can't simply drop by and see your face, I know. Its nearly the end of the first half of the day and I did three things today; miss you, miss you, and miss you. Yes, in some ways its always about you, in fact everything is always about you.
I thought that with every trip you go away it would not be so painful. I was both right and wrong. Wrong because the pain is still there and grows stronger by the minute. Right because with every trip, I have more memories to fill the gaps and embrace each time. The memories, it doesn't take away the pain but it allows me to remember you more with smiles than the thought of not having you here with me.
I think I'm childish in some ways, good ways - especially when it comes to loving you. Childish because like a kid who loses something so important, I simply can not focus or think of a reason why. I become so self incompetent, so incapable of living without you. And thats just for a second, not to mention five days in a row. Yes, I do function and breathe but everything and I mean everything pales without you. It fades and everything seems so wrong. The food sucks, I get pissed off easily, I ignore the world constantly and I only smile when I think about us.
When you're gone, I don't seem to notice time too much. I care more about the days that goes by closer to when you're coming back than the hours of the day. Strange, I always thought that I would want the minutes to fly until Friday. I think its because everything is irrelevant until you appear again in my life. I was thinking of something beautiful about this post on the way to the airport this morning but I had to slap myself up because like other days, and like I've mentioned in other posts like a broken record, there is nothing beautiful with you being away.
I have a plan baby and this plan involves smiling like an idiot with you for a lifetime. Somehow, with you being away, this plan is not working today and I find many mistakes and flaws in this plan when I do not see you around. So I have an even better plan, please smile when you read this because I know I will smile to know that you're smiling. I have words, and these words are all I can think of to make you smile when I'm not by your side. I'm not going to ask you to take care because you can manage that quite competently and I'm rather silly to ask you to miss me because its a given. But please, smile for me baby because I'm going to try and smile for you too. Its a Monday and I'm hating this week already but with a smile of course. I love you baby.
PS. Bie, each time I miss you, a star falls down from the sky. So, if you look up at the sky tonight and find it dark with no stars, it's all your fault. You make me miss you too much baby. How much you ask? Like it hurts like hell.
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