i wonder why...

I've got to keep breathing. Because tomorrow, the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?

Tom Hanks ~~ Cast Away



No matter where I run to, I always end up here. Writing for her in the sanctuary of my mind away from the noise and the hurt. Its painful typing this post because I know it will not bring her the smile she wore for me yesterday. Nor do I think it will make her fall in love the way she was yesterday. Have absolutely no idea when she will smile her sweet smile for me or when will she look at me with the same eyes again. She says shes chasing perfection. I've never thought how loving her and always putting her before me always would upset her so much. Guess I'm not perfect afterall. But it was beautiful while it lasted in her eyes.

Its always a shatter in the glass of my heart when she takes away her love. I can feel it. And she does it in so many ways. She tries to pretend nothing changes and swallow the overwhelming emotions but her eyes don't lie neither does her touch. It was cold on the morning of May the 5th, 2009. And I think it won't go away in a day or two. Will have to mend a broken heart of my own while she hides her love from me. Maybe it would be best for me to stay away, at least she indicated the same to me earlier on a crisp Tuesday morning which would have been beautiful had she been smiling. Her smile was empty and her eyes were elsewhere today. There was no magic in my day and its been missing until now.

Writing this down, it doesn't solve anything but it does allow my heart to speak its mind admist all this uncertainty. She spoke the truth when she said that there is nothing I could do. And that makes it all the more painful. What would she have me do? Love her less? Put myself first? Would she do the same? Then, why tell me to do the impossible?

Thinking about the tears dripping like silver drops from the petal dews in the morning. It was hauntingly beautiful but it struck a chord of sadness that will not go away from my heart either so soon. Did I hurt her so much? Is there really nothing I can do? Do not think she wants to see me soon and its going to be lonely days ahead. Maybe I should shut myself from all the noise. Maybe all I need to do is tell her I love her and just believe.

PS. Bie, I have thought long and hard but still could find no words to say to make u better. Luv u.