Sam: No way! Anyway, they fly tonight.
Daniel: Even better! Sam, you've got nothin' to lose, and you'll always regret it if you don't! I never told your mom enough. I should have told her everyday because she was perfect everyday. You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over 'til its over.
Typing this out, I'm feeling slightly delusional. My fever is still under control. My heads stopped spinning when I saw her this morning, maybe the two panadols helped but it completely vanished when she held my hand. There was not the usual warmth but it was good enough to chase the headache away and that says something. My eyes are still burning but its stopped being watery. My throat is flaring but thats expected. I must avoid getting the flu. So what am I doing again? I'm here at the office, to walk with her for another day, and maybe just maybe, be able to see my baby again.
On all rational counts, I should be in bed on MC. I can't afford to. Not at this moment when shes lost. I will pay for this later tonight but thats tonight. This is now. I'm practically willing myself to keep believing even when my body fails me. Seeing her today, shes keeping it better under wraps but the pain is still the same. I can sense it. Her smiles more beautiful but thats because shes no longer tired enough to drown in the hurt. She tells me that the pain will disappear, yeah I thought, disappear into your mind and always be there for sure.
I'm popping mints into my mouth at this point thinking how best to walk with her today. I need the mints because when I'm sick, my body flares up hot and my breath suffocates me and makes me weak. The mint helps a lot at times like these, to distract me and secondly, to keep my jaws not so uptight. I'm driving on empty right now, my mind is telling my body to do what it takes. This road can never be walked alone. You do not wish problems away or sleep hoping they disappear. You have to confront it head on as painful as it may be. I refuse to take her for granted. Her pain is mine, its ours. She will never face anything alone.
She tells me not to try so hard but if I do not believe when she does not, who else will believe? She tells me not to try so hard but all I'm doing is being here for her. Refusing to take her for granted. If we have a problem, we will face it together. I have to be strong for both of us. Shes in pain. I'm in pain. So I need to stand with her right now. I need to take away this hurt inside her thats gnawing at her chest. I need to try harder to make her believe again. I'm scared and my confidence has left me. All I have is belief. Belief in our love that will carry us through this obstacle.
PS. Bie, I'm here for you. Always.
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