Diving to the depths of our hearts

Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not
knowing there was someone like you out there. Love means many things to different people, but, to me, it's just the way I feel about you.

Good Will Hunting



We were in the car driving past the Sg. Besi turnoff heading towards the Federal Highway, my hand safely hidden under hers as we breezed along past the other cars. We had just survived a twelve hour journey back to the heart of civilization and it was a cold night with no stars overhead. She looked at me and she asked me, "What was it about the sea that you liked best?". I looked right into her eyes, pondering how best to tell her the obvious, "Well, its like this. I don't know what its called." She pressed my hands further, puzzled, "What do you mean you don't know whats it called? Was it the turtle? The blue spotted ray? The fishes?". I smiled as I carved the answer that everyone knew but her, "Well, its roughly 168 centimeters and has a ponytail. Don't know whats it called but it swims gracefully under the sea." She looked lost, muttering the same thing over and over again "Don't know whats it called?", still puzzled before her smile appeared and she laughed with me.

I believe that love has no age limit. It's not like drinking alcohol or gambling. You don't have to be 21 to love. I mean, when I was three, I loved my teddy bear. The only difference now is that teddy bear is now 168 centimeters tall, and has black hair and the most enchanting smile. She can talk, walk, run, and even dive too. I believe that love is special in many ways. I always read books, watched movies and even heard stories about love. I never predicted or knew how mine would turn out although I believed and hoped in the magic of falling in love.

The last three days was another chapter for not just me, more so for the both of us. I thought I had seen it all, been all the places that would matter. I now realise how little I knew. There were three incidents in the past days that will live in my memory from our 'little' trip to Tioman. Writing it down, helps me relive the memories and the passion that defines us moving forward.

The First Incident
Friday, 19 June 2009, Year of the Cow, 10:15

We were right there by the beach, sitting by the bench facing the open sea. The cozy hut of the common area was right behind us, it was empty with nobody in sight. Nick and Joyce were checked in and making themselves comfy. She was there with me as we sat on the bench, our slippers filled with sand as we wiggled them together. My eyes were steeled on the sea, rarely looking at her as she nervously held my hand looking at me. Both of us knew that I was barely ready and here I was before the moment that mattered. I smiled for her and she tried very hard to smile back too.

I remember her telling me that she believes in me and will be waiting for me as I stepped out to the burning shore with my gear, it was heavy but not as heavy as my heart. My heart was not racing but neither was it as calm as the sea that greeted us when we arrived. Nick looked at me, "Are you ready?" Taking a deep breath, "Lets rock and roll. My baby's watching".



I attempted no lesser than four times to go down, failing to even reach 3 meters in the pool with calm water. This was the open sea. This was dangerous. I was at the edge, my instructor was at the edge, there was no reason to continue and time was ticking. Both of us had the look of sorrow, I had dejection. He blurted in the waves, "You do not have to do this for anyone. Its okay. You have done your very best. Its okay to give up." I looked dead into his eyes, "This is it. Pull me down, don't let me surface. I can do this. I know my limits." Pulling me down, all I could think of was you, "Girl, you hear me? Talking to you, across the waters, across the oceans, under the open skies. Oh my, baby, I'm trying". That was the tipping point, the point of no return, you were right there with me. I was done. I made it. Against all odds. We made it.

The Second Story
Friday, 19 June 2009, Year of the Cow, 17:53

My head splashed the water apart as I reached out for the skies. Taking in breathes of fresh air as I held my cramped leg. My cuts and bruises were hurting, the sky was getting dark. I was tired of drinking in salt water and burning my throat. It was so painful, it was so difficult. Nick and you had surfaced. This was the moment, the descent which I later learned was staked at 12 meters. Everything is now. Our eyes met, I knew what I had to do, you were right there with me.

We wasted time in my clumsy descent, but we were rewarded to see turtles and anemone inhabitants from Nemo and family. I will never forget the first time we saw the underwater world together and how much it will mean to us a long time from now. The brightest stars shined for me in the depths of the sea. Because of you, I see. I see the world that you fell in love with and were hooked on. I saw beauty and perfection, I saw you and I saw forever. Everything was right in the world.



The Third Chapter
Saturday, 20 June 2009, Year of the Cow, 21:23

I drew out the Southern Hemisphere Cross constellation for you and you drew our love in the skies. We were there by the beach on the sands as the waves ripped gushing towards us, playing us their melody. Ray's Dive was barely warming up and we were looking upwards. I was seeing our future in you. We made many toasts but none more important than to the both of us. We made it here, to this moment together. I'm sorry for the times along the way that I screwed up and am grateful for the moments that warmed me. For the time you stood up for me when none believed, telling Nick in your usual stern voice, "Do not underestimate Derek Tan!" with that determination in your eyes I fell in love with.



It was unlike Redang. There was serenity, there was not so much sweetness but there was a lot of growing up in love. We understood how much it meant to both of us. All this. Having fought so hard to get to where we were, the sacrifices, the rush of emotions, we deserved to be right there. We proved ourselves, our love over and over again, we fought so hard and it was off our chest. We had accomplished item number one on our DL list and now, everything appears possible. It was a moment of fatigue and a moment of triumph. We were relishing and celebrating that we got there together. I'm here because of you baby. Thank you for loving me.

Right here, right now, I love you baby and that will last us our lifetime. That southern star constellation is often said to be a sign of luck. Maybe it was luck smiling on us, maybe it was more. There is an English saying that fortune favours the brave. I don't think it was just us being brave in all the storms, it's also meant to be. Some things happen at the right time, at the right moment. You have to want it, but things are given also at the right time and there is no gift I would trade for over you. In more ways than one, I complete you and you complete me. That moment as we looked up at the stars and the sea sang, you were right there and there will you stay with me forever.

Closing my eyes last night, I saw my brightest stars telling me, the time is just right, that our story is just beginning.

PS. Bie, the road is long but I believe that nothing is impossible with you, and that together, we will overcome every hurdle and see our forever in the palm of our hands. I love you.