~ Keanu Reeves, Sweet November
I'm unbuckling my seatbelt and its the early afternoon sun that greeted me at the parking lot. Stepping out of my car, I just can't help thinking of you while starting on the long walk back to the office. You just got off the phone and theres no breeze. I've just had the opportunity to at least play a part in the life of another stranger I barely knew. I still remember just shaking his hand and wishing him luck. I might not see him ever again. His road is going to be long but if he has the right belief and enough determination, he will find his way. I looked at him, knowing how much it means to live your dream, to want something so much, to work so hard for something that only you can see. I'm missing you, "this thing" that I want so much, that I'm working so hard to be with for a lifetime.
I remember the joy that lit in Burn's eyes, this 14 year old orphan from Batam that wanted to be a pilot, from as early as when he was seven. He told my colleague this, that this was his first time on a plane and that he was scared. He was scared but he consoled himself that he needs to be brave at this high altitude in a plane because he was going to fly the lives of hundreds of people. This kid barely spoke English but he held a mountain of belief and passion that he believed he could make it a reality. I have the same eyes too when you appear or when I catch a glimpse of you. Walking back, those eyes I saw were a reminder of what I am not today when you're not around. I'm scared when you're not around. Not scared of losing you, but afraid that my life is passionless without you. Am not afraid of you not being around, but afraid of what I become when you are not around.
My legs shuffled past the eateries, dragging themselves as I think of what I'm missing when you're not around. Its the same shuffle I had when I was walking with Burn earlier into the simulator room. We walked into a taste of him trying what it feels like should he succeed. I walk the same walk, thinking of you. Theres simply no point walking back to office without you being around. That was honestly what I felt but I have a job to do and here I was being brave and trying to smile for you. I've been thinking. Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself, wanting to be lost again. There are times I have to be here and you have to be there, and the space between us is just too much. You don't know what you do to me. You don't have a clue. You can't tell what it's like to be me, looking at you everytime I close my eyes.
I stopped by to get that sparkling ribena that we both love so much but theres none in stock and just at that moment, you called back. I was waiting with my handphone in my hand. There was so much that I wanted to tell you that no words could tell. There was this missing you so much that I wanted to share with you, but no telephone conversation could ever pass the message on. So I ended up mumbling on the phone when all I wanted to do was hear you breathe.
Blinking my eyes at my laptop, typing this down, this is by no way a post that I'm pouring my sadness into. I was actually thinking of something cheerful to say like how you mentioned that theres a Chinese saying similar to the meaning that absence makes the heart grow fonder or something that sounded like small separations make us miss each other more. I think its true because the moment you stepped out of my sight, my heart was screaming I miss you and baby, I love you. This post is simply, my heart saying, without you I am lost.
Then you smsed me this, go search on youtube..'funeral TVC commercial' by yasmin ahmad..Luv u. I watched it and closed my eyes knowing how true it is. Like Burn, I have found what I want to do for a lifetime and what I will otherwise spend my life looking for. I only have this to say today. Baby, I love you and I'm smiling for you. Can't wait to see you again, the most beautiful imperfection of a sea lamb's life.
PS. Bie, I want to live in your eyes, die in your arms, and be buried in your heart. I miss you and have been thinking about you the whole day and I guess that what this means is that even today thats imperfect without you, because of you, this heart of a sea lamb beats only for you.
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