~ A Beautiful Mind
They say that people measure the heart by so many ways. I choose to measure it by how much it still breathes of you. The weekend passed by in a glimpse of an eye and here we are still holding hands, though me clinging on more than us holding them in gentle embrace as in the past. But what's important is that we still are. Here we stand still in the middle of the storm and I just refuse to go on speculating what else is happening and what else will come up next. The only thing that I will allow myself now is perhaps knowing that we are still together.
I begin to understand now how much things were lost in between but just sitting by your side and looking at things, it's slowly coming back and I sensed that you felt it too. That little of bit of magic, that extra warmth in the touches, and the simple things that we have taken for granted. I know that from time to time I catch you wondering when this will last and what next. I see the worries in your eyes and they way you comfort yourself that you need to be always be prepared and always on your guard. I see it in the way you look at me, wondering how much is true and how much do you trust.
All I know is that we have now with our child. And I will take it one day at a time. I approach each day not with hope but with the certainty that I will be all you need, one day at a time. I must be honest that I do not know if everything will come back or if anything will change, but I do know that I have this moment to love you and cherish you and this gift of our child. I know that every boy wakes up to be a man. I'm not sure myself what kind of man I will be but it will be one centered on loving you and finding every joy in that with you until the end of our days.
I know how you say that saying is not doing. Here I am, doing things in my little ways. I close my eyes and do think back too from time to time and everyday I'm determined to make things better for us. I shut my eyes and I see you and this song that keeps playing; Lathika's theme that delivered you on our wedding day. I close them and I see you as how you should be. I know things can never go back but I know we can make it better. I know that there is this good in me that can paint back brighter smiles than you could ever wonder. I know I can do so much more than the past. I know I don't or can't do things that your friend's husbands can do. But I can do this, love you with all I am to be and all I have.
Today, I allowed myself to smile a little more, to walk with a spring in my step a bit to dare to dream a bit more. But more importantly, to be able to smile myself a bit more. I know the road ahead is long. I write this as my personal journal for you one day if it ever comes to it that you can smile as usual too. That you know what went through my mind during this period. Of how much your smile and love means to me. Of how much you mean to me. I love you baby and I hope to show you that I will love you all the days of our lives.
0 comments:
Post a Comment