being selfish

Ben Calder: So if you're scared, why do it?
Anna Foster: Because the things you're scared of are usually the most worthwhile.
Ben Calder: If I kiss you, do think they'll shoot me?
Anna Foster: No, but I will if you don't.



Chasing Liberty is a romantic comdey about a runaway US president's daughter, Anna Foster (Mandy Moore), who escapes to enjoy a romantic European trip with a stranger Ben Calder (Matthew Goode). Again, I kinda liked the quote although I have not seen the movie. I think that in life, you have to go beyond your normal fears, break your own rules and live life the way your heart tells you to. I think about that often and its difficult to put her in a position that she has to question her heart.

Now, how do I tell her honestly what do I want without being selfish? Been thinking about it and I can't get both or rather I can't be both. I don't want her to go anywhere but here. But wouldn't that make me selfish? I honestly feel so. But one part of my heart wants her to know how I feel. I am not good with conversations and I absolutely suck at explaining how I feel to people. I am smart in the things that do not matter but not in those that should be. So I write because thats the one thing I know how to do. Thats how I know I can let her know.

I know this much, that I want to be selfish with her but not suffocate her. I want to see her as much as possible without her getting blinded by me. I want to hold her hand but not hurt her. I want to look at her and she could look back and see how much I love her. I want to walk with her every step of the way but not drive her away. I want all the time in the world but still I want her to have her own space. I want her happy but not always because of me because there is so much in this world that is better and more beautiful than me. I want to love her for a lifetime and I definitely do not want her to go to Perth.

But as long as shes happy, it doesn't matter because I will be smiling to know that. And because of that, I'm telling her to go to Perth because she will always be number one. And I will smile because shes smiling.

PS. Bie, I wanted to anyway and you do not need to put that idea aside when you decided I was the one.