Benjamin Button: Will you still love me when I have acne? When I wet the bed? When I'm afraid of what's under the stairs?
Daisy: What...what are you thinking?
Benjamin Button: I was thinking how nothin' lasts and what a shame that is.
Daisy: Some things last.
~ The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Today I woke up thinking that it's early but it's going to be a beautiful day again. I could not imagine how wrong I was. That today, you would be awakening with more questions and doubts. I did not dare pray that you would have changed nor will I not admit that I did not see this coming one day or another. Just when it happens, as a human being, I can't help but still be emotional about it.
You asked me how would this continue that I would be hurt many times ahead and you wouldn't know when. You told me to go search my heart for what is important to me and to be honest to myself. That much I understood. If only I could hold you then when you said this and shout at you from the top to the bottom that you matter. That day when it all broke down, that I came face to face with myself and knew that you were the reason, the only thing I wanted. I looked inside me, this is what I want from my life:-
1. I want you
2. I want our child
3. I like to sit in the toilet and read sometimes and not be bothered
4. I like to play games sometimes to not think of things or to think of things. And I like you to call me in to bed or tell me it's too late. Because I like to come to bed being called by you. I like you to tell me that I'm going overboard and you want me by your side in bed
5. I like to be surprised by you as I can't decide what to do sometimes, just some thing that involves you but I'm not creative enough in those times and really trust you to design those times for us. Until the point, I became dependent, complacent and just carried over.
6. I like you to decide where to eat. Not because I don't know what to eat but I like to eat what makes you happy and try to understand why you like eating them
7. I like you to scold me and tell me where to park. Not because I don't know how to park but I like you fussing about me until lately it becomes clear that I irritate you by my silly questions about parking
8. I like to see certain movies but I do know you won't enjoy all movies so sometimes I like you to decide. Any movie is fine when I can touch you next to me and sit in a dark corner and share food and drink with you. And see you giggle or be afraid
9. I like to just laze around and take things easy. Sometimes when I look back and see how hard I took to get here, I become contented and lazy and that's why we are here today
10. I like to act like I know things. Because growing up I had to know everything with my world, my mom and everyone crumbling around me. That today I think I do know everything and become confident that I'm giving you everything you need. When I realise now that all I've been doing is enjoying the love that you have been giving me, that I have become spoiled by just wanting you to do everything for me.
11. I hate this Japan trip. Not because its the cause of where we are now. Although yes in some parts but I hate to reminded how stupid I was.
12. I hate that we are here now at this. That you would not even want to look at me. I hate that I am to blame for this. I hate that you would think it was all not worth it. That I caused you to feel that it's all for nothing. And most of all I hate for having caused you to doubt
13. I don't like your pessimism about life and that you believe it will all not work out. I don't blame you for thinking so but you are the happiest person I have ever met and I do not believe that I won't be able to make you happy the rest of your life.
Yes you make yourself happy, you allow yourself to smile. But I can make you smile without you controlling it and all you ever want to do is to smile. You asked me if I could keep taking this. I do not know how else to tell you that I brought us to this point and I want to make all things right. I want to be happy with you again. It may seem simple but I know the road there is hard and tough. I know there will be many doubts ahead. I write this, this talk I want to have with you. To tell you what you will not believe now, that I do know what I want and it is you.
You want me to go out there, to put myself out there and be honest about how I feel and about who I am as a person and what do I want. I have. I know. This finding you and you smiling with me as we grow old together. Sharing all we have. That is all I know in the end makes me truly happy. I have asked myself if I'm simply doing all this because we're here now and married but I know the real reason is the same reason why we got married in the first place. We found each other and that's important. We found each other to be happy. I want to stay there...
Sometimes I wish I could let you peek into my mind and my heart. Maybe then, you would know what I see. What is inside my mind in all things that I do.
Until the next time I write, I love you baby. I love you and I'm not sure that you would even want to read this tomorrow, or the day after. But I do know that if I do not write this down or show you how I've moved on from the days past, I will regret never fighting for you, fighting for what I believe will make me happy until the end of my days. Even if you decide to walk one day, I believe that I will have fought for happiness until that very day. Maybe yesterday there was a glimmer of hope and today more dark clouds blocking the sights, but I do know that today, I held your hand, kissed you on the cheek and for the briefest moment, you did smile.
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