~ One Day (2011)
Right now you're speeding away. Crying. Thinking of how unfair the entire world is. Of how much it all does not make sense. That how much you hate this life you are going through everyday. I'm here. Crying too. I just want you to know I still do not have hope. From the moment you became hurt and never put up our son's latest scans or simply not say a single word when I childishly talk to you about our son ahead and you are just silent. I know how it feels you being here and not here. I know how it must feel for you.
Maybe it was naive thinking that just being there for you every moment, loving you and just you seeing me around you, you would know that it's not over. It was just yesterday that were the best moments of our lives. Every weekend, I become afraid of moments like this, when all of a sudden nothing makes sense anymore. When you just lose it all and just can't keep it in. I wish I could just see you off and make you happy. Can you blame a man for wanting to fight for love? For happiness? Can you fault a man who wants to make the best of his life ahead. Or of a childish person just wanting to make you the happiest person only if you would let him?
I know you are hurt deep inside and each day I pray I could have done something with the day given to me to paint a smile for you. Lift under the cover of your external and wipe away a tear, plaster a scratch, search for the hurt and find the love to fill the gaping hole inside. Sometimes I wonder whether I know what I'm doing. I wonder if I understand at all why I want to put you through all this. I know what I'm holding onto but do you still remember? I sit sometimes at work thinking what more can a man do; in the midst of all this darkness to give you some light. I won't give up and I won't pretend moments like this don't grieve me. I know the hurt I caused you and maybe still continue to cause you everyday does not measure to this and what you are suffering is way worse than I can imagine.
I can't stay away from you. I can't pretend that I want to spend the rest of this life with you. I can't pretend that you are the best thing to ever happen to this lucky me. I can't let you go without fighting to make us both happy; to reach for the dreams ahead. I can only have today. I can only try to show you the same person you love is still here. Hurt may be there and all I can do is make you fall in love with me again. Past the hurt, past the pain, past me. I know you always tell me to let you go. Each word of that sentence hurts me, it makes tears drop and it makes me weak and lost.
On a beautiful day today, here I sit again. Lost. I just want to reach out to you but you won't let me. I want to tell you how much you mean to me. I want to heal you,I want to heal me. I want to save this. I want to do so many things. I want to move past this. I want to turn back time. I want to take all your pain so you feel none. I want you to smile because of me again.
It's been so long since I felt your warm smile on me again. It's been so cold since then, it's been so empty. It's been so worthless. Theres all this pain I wish I could just bear for us and I would be happy only to see you smile again. I need to do the right thing. I need to not make up for the pain but I need to make you happy again. Here if you ever read this, you would say that the only way to make you happy is to let you go. I need to never let you go. Not to cause you more hurt but to make you the happiest person I see in my eyes. I need to be happy with you again. To see the world with this colour of you again. To be truly alive and happy again. I need to have your love.
This silly me I guess would not let you go. This stupid me made a mistake that you say can not be reversed. Maybe you are right that you will never let this go. That with the current me and the past me, you will never be happy like you used to be. You do not believe that a man can change. I do not promise change. I promise the me. The real me. The man you fell in love with. All the days of our lives. I do not know why I faded so shortly after the happiest day of our lives. But I do want you to know that I have placed everything in this, our love. I will keep loving. This is all that is left to me. I hope today, tomorrow, or maybe a day that will never happen that I can somehow make you smile and be happy for the rest of our lives. Maybe this will never happen but I am here. You are here. We have now. Let me make our forever.
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