Writing Anew

Today begins a new chapter in my blog. We are now married and expecting a child. But cracks have emerged and to say that this is the beginning of the end is no exaggeration. I have spent many nights recounting the past and the days ahead. I write thi for the next few days or months or years ahead. I do not know how the chapters will flesh out or how this will end.

Each passing moment ahead will be painful as she uttered that each touch of mine hurts and that I have become a pain. I try to recount the days past and mistakes that have caused hurt. Many say that a guy can make a girl cry but when a girl can make a guy cry, you just have to hold on to that girl.

Each hurt that has passed flashes before my mind lately and I can barely sleep with nightmares. Today she finally talked to me after a few days and she screamed at me yesterday. The first sign of communication that we have had in the last few days. And tonight we had a conversation about the end. I often wondered about our end, about sailing into the sunset and spending the remainder of our days toothless and with grey hair. Each dream I had of the future seems bleak. This is our journey now as I hope to perform what may seem a miracle. It seems that the best my wife took has turned on her. That the bet that turned out to be has lashed back and all the person you can love can ask for is for you to release her.

I set out from this moment to attempt a "miracle" in her eyes. To show that what we hold dear matters and somehow reverse the inner demons inside me. To return trust to where it is mow hurt. I write on the foundation of where I expressed my love an our story. I write not with hope nor the promise of myself which is lacking to her. I write with the honesty laid bare that a man at the end will survive an create a miracle with love. It has been many moons since we last embraced a moment we call our own. Each turn of life holds a new story and deep within I hold hope. As faint as it is, and a small as this whisper is in my heart, I hold on to love. Love that brought us here. I have nothing left to do but trust in love.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new chapter. It is not about righting wrongs or doing the right thing. It is living life and seeing each day pass. And who knows what the tide may bring with the new dawn. I hope for love and the dream long buried.