i wonder why...

I've got to keep breathing. Because tomorrow, the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?

Tom Hanks ~~ Cast Away



No matter where I run to, I always end up here. Writing for her in the sanctuary of my mind away from the noise and the hurt. Its painful typing this post because I know it will not bring her the smile she wore for me yesterday. Nor do I think it will make her fall in love the way she was yesterday. Have absolutely no idea when she will smile her sweet smile for me or when will she look at me with the same eyes again. She says shes chasing perfection. I've never thought how loving her and always putting her before me always would upset her so much. Guess I'm not perfect afterall. But it was beautiful while it lasted in her eyes.

Its always a shatter in the glass of my heart when she takes away her love. I can feel it. And she does it in so many ways. She tries to pretend nothing changes and swallow the overwhelming emotions but her eyes don't lie neither does her touch. It was cold on the morning of May the 5th, 2009. And I think it won't go away in a day or two. Will have to mend a broken heart of my own while she hides her love from me. Maybe it would be best for me to stay away, at least she indicated the same to me earlier on a crisp Tuesday morning which would have been beautiful had she been smiling. Her smile was empty and her eyes were elsewhere today. There was no magic in my day and its been missing until now.

Writing this down, it doesn't solve anything but it does allow my heart to speak its mind admist all this uncertainty. She spoke the truth when she said that there is nothing I could do. And that makes it all the more painful. What would she have me do? Love her less? Put myself first? Would she do the same? Then, why tell me to do the impossible?

Thinking about the tears dripping like silver drops from the petal dews in the morning. It was hauntingly beautiful but it struck a chord of sadness that will not go away from my heart either so soon. Did I hurt her so much? Is there really nothing I can do? Do not think she wants to see me soon and its going to be lonely days ahead. Maybe I should shut myself from all the noise. Maybe all I need to do is tell her I love her and just believe.

PS. Bie, I have thought long and hard but still could find no words to say to make u better. Luv u.

meeting her again...

Daniel (Liam Neeson): You know, Sammy, I'm sure she's unique and extraordinary, but... the general wisdom is that, in the end, there isn't just one person for each of us.
Sam (Thomas Sangster): [referring to the Titanic film] There was for Kate and Leo. There was for you. There is for me. [Holds up one finger]
Sam: She's "the one".
Daniel: Fair enough.



Love Actually is a romantic comedy that follows eight couples in a loosely and interrelated tale all set during a frantic month before Christmas in London. Love Actually speaks about love in all aspects and how they encountered, treasured and came to embrace it. It came out in 2003 starring all the big names in British cinema from Hugh Grant, Keira Knightly, Liam Neeson, Bill Nighy, Emma Thompson, Alan Rickman and the other whos who. Heck, they even had Billy Bob Thorton as the US president. Was actually thinking of the third date we had where we had this impromptu getaway to watch Taken which starred Liam Neeson. Truly griefing to hear that his wife passed away lately and Love Actually was actually all about love which must be sad when you equate his passing of his wife and his excellent take on love in Love Actually.

Its finally Monday and I'm twindling my thumbs after finishing my required monthly reports. Thinking of something beautiful to tell her and of course something beautiful to scribble for her here when she gets back. Truth is, I miss her so so much that at times its painful to just wait and being unable to do anything about the missing her part.

I remember a story that my grandfather told me when he was healthy and before he was paralysed by fear after his operation. He told me of this lady in Kajang which was where my mother's family grew up. She lived in a vast orchard and various branches of her family lived with her on these grounds. She was married into this family where she had to slog away day and night to care for her own family and the rest that stayed with them. Carrying buckets of water for cleaning, cooking, and just taking care of the growing family needs would certainly qualify for tough times. Times were not altogether rough for food was not scare but it took her a lot of patience to make it through the days and be a responsible wife.

My grandfather's eyes would twinkle when he mentioned this lady, my grandmother. For she kept to her duties like any wife would but also because she bore the times with him. Never giving up when he was distracted by gambling and other devices, haunted by his family demands and where she believed when there was no reason to believe. She loved my grandfather and my mother's family very much. My grandfather told me that thats the kind of woman you want to spend forever with. The one who overlooks your weaknesses and trusts in you and your love even when there is nothing left to cling onto and most importantly, loves you with all that she has. My grandfather told me that when you love someone and you found "the one", do not let go or all the riches of the earth will not matter nor will all the time in the world. No dreams will ever sail in the waters of hope without the wind of passion and the steering of someone who will always be there for you. No dreams are worth living without cherishing the one you love. Therefore, I believe that the one you love should always be number one and let her always be number one for as long as you live.

When the person you love is apart and when you're in love, it can really sting and tug at your heart. You feel the pain yet you want the love to stay because you have not truly lived until you encountered true love. She asked me to let it remain, that I would not let this ever die, my heart from the start wanted the same. You do not let go the most precious thing in the world for anything. And she has become my greatest treasure which will last a lifetime. The most beautiful message that I could ever think of or draft as in the past was I love you. I think it would be more beautiful to add a forever to it.

PS. Bie, you're "the one". Let it be forever.

waiting for tomorrow

Alicia: How big is the universe?
Nash: Infinite.
Alicia: How do you know?
Nash: I know because all the data indicates it's infinite.
Alicia: But it hasn't been proven yet.
Nash: No.
Alicia: You haven't seen it.
Nash: No.
Alicia: How do you know for sure?
Nash: I don't, I just believe it.
Alicia: It's the same with love I guess.



I often revisit the movie "A Beautiful Mind" because for one, I liked that movie and two, there are parallels with whats happening in the relationship between Evil Janet and me. Somehow, that was the inspiration between the flick and me that I named my blog after that movie when I started this. Maybe some part of me knew ahead that this would happen? But that would be impossible. But it does make me wonder at this moment. Its the third day and the final day of waiting and perhaps thats why the movie came back to strike me again. Perhaps it is good to have a beautiful mind, but an even greater gift is to discover a beautiful heart. I think God must be a painter. Why else would we have so many colors?

She asked me to bring colours back into her life. What I didn't tell her was that I could barely see beyond the darkness when she left. The colour was the elements that both of us saw for the first time when love is so so beautiful. It was the elements that we were missing while we were cruising through life. But when were in love, every small thing that didin't matter seem to matter and everything with her was so deep and you keep cherishing everything. Nothing becomes too small or not important. Life becomes so beautiful. Of course both of us hope to see it that way always, as colourful as it is now, but the colours will change and it will be more beautiful, as long as we hold each other's hands through this journey called life. Todays really beautiful and shes so near, nearer than other days.

Funny how I hear birds chirping today. Were they not there on other days? Somehow thinking about her this morning is not so painful and more calm and beautiful. I think she must have wished it for me before she went to bed last night. That in her I will always find a measure of peace and a haven from the world. Typing this, I can't get the thought out of my head that it will only be a few more hours before I see the brightest stars in my skies again. Wonder if she'll be tired? Maybe I should get her her fav mango drink? Maybe I should just stop bothering about the small stuff and think how best to get her to fall in love again when she touches down?

Or maybe I just need to smile and love her with all I have. Its that simple but sometimes love can be simple. All you need to do is believe and just love.



PS. Bie, love is in the simple things but the most important things that we see and we sometimes miss a lot when it goes away. I want to give you a forever of a hobbit.

todays beautiful...

The Egyptians had a beautiful belief of death. At the gates of death, the Egyptian gods will stop the wandering spirits and ask the souls who arrived two questions. Two questions to see if they could enter or not or flee in anguish for all eternity. The first question the gods would ask is, have you found joy in your life. And the second, if you have given joy to anyone else in your life. If actually does not matter how those two questions are asked, the only way I'm going to get into Egyptian heaven is if I will love my baby forever.

Whats the use of getting into heaven if I did not love another soulmate for a lifetime? Whats the use of only finding joy once, twice when you should be happy for a lifetime? When you get to heaven, you do not get asked how many cars you managed to buy, or how much cash you managed to rake in or how big a house you managed to own. In a lifetime, a man is not measured by how much material success you have but by the measure of your heart and the love you managed to look for and give. Its not because I want to get into heaven but its because life is only worth living once you have found love, true love that will last.

Todays the second day shes not around and its like the first day. Just finished some work for the boss and been staring at her pictures for too long. Thought it would be nice to say something to her at the start of the day. Food has been and is still tasteless. You eat only to fill up your stomach. You find something to do to fill up your day and to try to smile as much as possible because she asks you to. You feel this emptiness but you can not explain why. Like everything you do is lacking something. Every step lacks a spring and sleep is never calm. Am determined to smile a lot today for her and because of her, the world will be a beautiful place today. Going to empty my mind in front of the idiot box soon and hopefully that takes away some of the emptiness although those thoughts are childish and wishful thinking.

Wondering hows her boat ride or rather her ferry trip to Yangshuo is. Must be scenic to take a ride down the river past the mountains and hills and valleys. Can almost feel the breeze blowing upwards towards her. Wonder if shes eating right. Wonder if its raining in the morning along the river. Wonder if I will stop thinking of her so much although I still think of her every second. Just want to be with her. Its that simple. It doesn't matter what shes doing or where. Missing the warmth of her hands and her goldfishes.



PS. Bie, words in the sands will be swept away, but you in my heart will ever stay.