Today I'm not there

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

~ Captain Corelli's Mandolin



Today I'm not by your side at the office like it used to be. But did you know that never did I ever leave you alone? I will never leave you alone baby.

Maybe like the story above, love is what happens when all feeling of being in love has passed. And what is left is this conviction, this belief of love. Love is the beauty of the soul and you are mine, my beauty and my soul. When we kiss, we feel the warmth because it is precisely at that moment when the souls meet. And after all the passion that fades away, you know precisely whether you have met love.

Because the love of that kind lasts. Today begins officially the new chapter of our lives. I don't have a name for this but what I know is that my hand is here waiting for you. I won't be seeing you today. But this blogpost, is an email from my heart. And my heart, my heart baby always beats for you.

Today we stand at start of another chapter, and somehow each page I turn is filled with beauty. You are the greatest beauty that I will ever discover. And the luckiest man is the one who finds that beauty in his life everyday. I know you think I'm lazy. Yes, I maybe be lazier than the past. But this much is true, that my love for you will never be lazy. My love I promise for you is eternal.

I know today my role is not the same but I have no pride and I always listen. Maybe my career path is not the same like when we first met but the truth is that I was meant to meet you and to love you. I always want you to know that nothing is wrong with professing all the love in the world for the woman you love and I love you. Nothing changes and I choose you and I will always love you this way. Today I woke up and it was all beautiful when I met your eyes :)You are my tree and we are one.

PS. Bie, today you're beautiful. I love you.

today and everyday, I love you...

I dream about being with you forever.

~ Twilight



It was so hard waking up to not see you around. I opened my eyes to Wednesday calling your name and feeling this slight cold inside me that you're not by my side. I had to whisper I love you to get out of bed, dragging myself out to see you. It was a bit cold this morning and driving to your place seemed so far away. I wouldn't say I drove like a madman but it was close.

Holding the steering wheel in both hands, was just thinking about what you told me last night. You asked me to think about how it would be, if I could imagine how life would be for you without me. You asked me how would it feel like if I suddenly stopped loving you or if I would just decide to walk away. It's not really a happy thought and I admit it's something that I never thought of before.

In the movie "The King and I", the king who could not love this foreign women said, "In these dreams I've loved you so that by now I think I know what it's like to be loved by you. I will love being loved by you." Being in love with you and being loved by you, there is no dream or life that I have that is not you and I know you're afraid that this might change in the future. But in a dream world or the real, there really is no possibility that I could think of that you do not exist in.

And then knowing you, you will probably think but what if and why do I think it will not happen if I'm so confident.

For your question number one: There is no what if baby simply because of the same reason you love me. Do you see yourself loving someone else because of any other reason? Because someone else is more handsome? Because he has more material wealth? Because he is a better person? I wish we all had answers why we love someone but that reason exists for a reason and it does not vanish just like that. I love you and I have no reasons to stop loving you. So this scenario or possibility will never come to pass unless you too don't want this anymore.

For your question number two: I am confident because I only see one person in my world and that person is you. I only care about how you feel and it's really because I love you so much that it pains me to even think of losing you. I am confident. I am steady. I am sure. Like Preston Burke. Because you are the only reason I need to be contented with life. You are reason enough to smile. You are reason enough to be able to smile at life. You are all my reasons.

PS. Bie, today's beautiful and you're definitely beautiful. Watching today with you is so beautiful and I can't wait to see you again at lunch. So hungry for you.

i think forever and ever will be enough

I think I would miss you even if I'd never met you.

~ The Wedding Date



This morning driving Ms. Lion, I said I would try to write something romantic today without sounding like a nerd trying too hard to which she smiled. She smiles so beautiful with the sunlight in her face. Jennifer Aniston once said that the best smell in the world is that man that you love. The best smell in the world to a silly lamb is when a lion has that dreamy look fixed on the lamb and slowly bends over to rest the lamb's shoulder. And when the lion leans over that much slightly and the lamb so much as takes a whiff of the lion, its as close to heaven. That lamb doesn't mind waking up to heaven everyday. Everyday for a lifetime.

Baby, its the 99th scribble on eletronic paper and today, like always, you are simply the most beautiful women in the world to me. I wonder if by the 99th post, would you know why do I always call you beautiful and not hot. By the 99th dance for you, I don't know if you actually wonder why when you're sad and pour like drops of rain, I'm worst than a thunderstorm. I'm not sure by this 99th post if you know why when the entire world falls asleep under the stars, why I would lie awake listening to your heartbeat, singing in a crappy voice that no one hears and kiss you when you're not aware.

I wonder if by the 99th writing across the heart that beats for you, if sometimes when you close your eyes, you would see the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are sweating, who holds your hand in front of God knows who, and who thinks you’re pretty without makeup on. I wonder if you sometimes miss a guy who won’t leave you when he has to be somewhere, and can’t stay away from you. But most of all, I wonder if by the 99th whisper in blogosphere if you know that all these questions are not important because I have forever and ever with you written all over me.

Renee Zelweger in Jerry Maguire shouted, "I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is." After a journey of holding your hand walking through 99 posts, I wonder through the sun and rain, if I have become the one, the one who you have confidence in that can walk forever and ever with you. Today's post maybe simple, but nothing more than to ask if you would like to take another dive with me, if you would like to see the sunset in Bali with me, if you would like to eat dessert along the busy streets of Hong Kong with me and in this life, if you would like to watch each sunrise and sunset with me teethless and grey haired. Our forever's waiting for us, all we're doing is walking there one step at a time with a DL list in our hands and all the love in the world around us. I love you more and more at the 99th.

PS. Bie, this is the first 99th to come, will you be there with me at 99 watching our sunset together?

I feel like dancing

Soul mates. It's extremely rare, but it exists. It's sort of like twin souls tuned into each other. It just so happened I found mine that looks just like you standing in front of me looking right at me now that I would give up heaven for you.

~ What Dreams May Come



Recording the final posts to a hundred seems a journey by itself. Have not really paid attention to the posts that I've written but only when my lion mentioned it did I bother to go back and count. It really doesn't feel or seem like I've written much for her. My heart simply speaks and my hands listen to it beat before it dances for her. Admitedly even at my best, the words I scribble and the symphony of phrases I can conjure can not match her elegance and beauty on the dance floor. But this simple dance is for her. And its a solo on a floor that echoes I love you baby the only way I know how to say it best.

Every turn or spin requires the dancer to focus on keeping his/her balance. This is achieved through focus and spotting. Other elements also include body alignment and placement of the arms. For the purposes of dancing Salsa, the dance steps borrow Focus and Spotting from other dances such as Jazz and Ballet. When I dance across the keyboard, the only thing I'm focused on is your smile and the only spotting is the mind and heart are one in saying that you will always know that I love you. The only thing I need to borrow is your heart and I will need it for a lifetime.

Spotting is applied when a dancer is turning solo or is caused to turn. Spotting is the act of causing your head and eyes to “start last” and “finish first” throughout the sequence of spins while keeping your body centered. What’s important about spotting is to learn how to “separate” the head from the body when turning. The effect of not spotting is dizziness. If I do not spot her clouds from far away, I end up more than dizzy. I need to always keep my head separated from my heart that is anxious about her all the time and to be calm enough to hold her hand when the whole world is falling apart around us.

Since the head is heavy, it needs to be controlled as the body spins or turns. At first, everyone feels the effect of dizziness. Since our eyes are like the lens on glasses and cameras, everyone will find themselves going out of focus and then back into focus. Eventually, people become more accustomed to focusing eyes and balancing the body to accomplish single or multiple turns. My head often gets carried away by silly thoughts and my eyes do not see the truth when I'm needed to. So I choose to be by her side and listen before any storm carries us away. As I walk more with her, I learn how best to love perfection in all the turns of this story called life.

The name "Salsa" is the Spanish word for sauce, which indicates (in American Spanish) a spicy flavor. Salsa as a dance for Salsa music was created by Spanish-speaking people from the Caribbean which mixes African and European dance influences through the music and dance fusions that are the roots of Salsa. The dance steps currently being danced to salsa music come from the sun, but were influenced by many other Cuban dances such as Mambo, Cha cha cha, Guaracha, Changüí, Palo Monte, Rumba, Abakuá, Comparsa and sometimes even Mozambique. Walking with you is the sharing of passion which is simply born from the infusion of emotions and the creativity born of expressing how important you are to me. We are the same but different enough to create our own unique journey through life so walk with me.

The basic step of all styles of salsa involves 3 weight changes (or steps) in each 4 beat measure. The beat on which one does not step might contain a tap or kick, or weight transfer may simply continue with the actual step not occurring until the next beat. Some individuals may insert an actual pause. One of the steps is a "break step" a little bit longer than the other two. Different styles of Salsa are often differentiated by the direction and timing of the break step ("on 1" or "on 2" for example). After 6 weight changes in 8 beats, the basic step cycle is complete. We have weight changes in our relationship too and it involves a lot of patience and understanding. I do not say that there won't be storms ahead waiting for us but we will walk this complete step cycle, so you need to trust me and give me your hand always.

As a salsa dancer changes weight the upper body remains level and nearly unaffected by the weight changes. Caught in the middle are the hips which end up moving quite a bit--the famous "Cuban hip movement." My steps follow you while my eyes are fixed on you, unable to move anywhere else. Caught in the middle is my heart which ends up being in a storm -- the famous "Beating only for a sealion".

In a salsa dance, the arms are used to communicate the lead in either open or closed position. In open position the two dancers hold one or both hands, especially for moves that involve turns, or putting arms behind the back, or moving around each other. In closed position, the leader puts the right hand on the follower's back, while the follower puts the left hand on the leader's shoulder. In life, we take turns leading each other, no matter what baby, just don't let go off me because a lamb needs a lion or it gets lost. I don't dance well or to put it in a more honest light, I can't dance at all but this one dance I will hold your hand for is this little dance called love. And its going to last a lifetime.

PS. Bie, dance this forever and ever with me. Dance with me to the beat of I Love You and hold me tight because the only dance of life we will have will be beautiful for our lifetime.

describing loving you

Dr. Jack Michler (Marlon Brando): Don Juan, this young woman Dona Ana, must be very special. I would like so much to hear about her.
Don Juan (Johnny Depp): Have you never met a woman who inspires you to love? Until your every sense is filled with her? You inhale her. You taste her. You see your unborn children in her eyes and know that your heart has at last found a home. Your life begins with her, and without her it must surely end.

~ Don Juan Demarco



I do not have an obligation to write a blog post on a daily basis but I have a responsibility to let you know baby, today like every other day I love you and like everyday, there is nothing more important than you. Johnny Depp as Don Juan Demarco, the greatest lover in the world mentioned this under this dying breathe, that there are only four questions of value in life. Which consist of:

What is sacred?
Of what is the spirit made of?
What is worth living for?
What is worth dying for?

The answer to each is the same. Only love. That baby is how much I love you and although it seems a lot I still can't love the way you love me :) She had to step out of my car this morning and we actually had everything planned out on a day where I could see her more. I watched her reluctantly and frustratingly slip past my car door as I drove bumblebee to a complete stop and her house gates slowly swung open. There was a tinge of sadness that she should have been here with me but what I'm more worried of was her rushing to be where she now has to be. Pulling by the side, I waited for her and wanted to catch as many glimpses of her as I could. I knew I was late but nothing mattered more than her. The sun was hidden and so was my smile.

She conveniently left me a bar of chocolate in between the seats as she made her way off. Thinking of the way she feeds me chocolate, I can't help but smile again. We drove along and I kept behind her trying to take in as much of her as I could. I really wanted to tell her that I'm always with her. Figured that today will be another long day with her bouncing in and out. Just wished there was something I could help her with was what my heart whispered. I really want to be by her side when shes frustrated by people and events that happen.

Biting into the chocolate as I last saw her at the toll, my heart really went with her. Drove past the slow traffic and did the only thing I could do to lessen her burden. Dropped off the package that she was supposed to and made my way to the main terminal. The sun was still hidden when she shocked me with a call later on as there was a cloud of sadness and irritation tagging with her. I really wanted to embrace and hug her through the phone at that moment. The only thing I could do was reassure her that I was with her and for her to be strong and do the right thing when all I wanted to do is be with her.

Its been exactly five hours since that moment has come to pass and I'm still waiting to hug her now as I type this down. Its another day caught in between. Time does play tricks on you when you are paying attention. Its stubborn and more often than not when you want it to fly, it stalls and tricks you into its own rhythm. Astonishingly, writing this, my heart's really happy and bursting for joy for when she had the choice, she made the tougher one just to see me more. These "small imperfections" of her, really makes me fall in love with her more and more. The fact that I still matter to her now when she needs me and the fact that she would rather drive all the way to see me, how can a man not fall in love and stay in the state of falling in love more and more?

Of all things that man has placed sacred, nothing is more precious than what the owner of a prince means to me and to our love. Of my spirit that lives and breathes, there is no meaning that has more depth than the strengths and weaknesses of a lion. And of all things worth living for, what is worth more than a smile from an elf? And of all things worth dying for, what would a hobbit not give just to have a lifetime with her? Oh Don Juan, if you have your Dona Ana, I have my Evil Janet and we will last a lifetime. Waiting for you.

PS. Bie, I'm right here for you always. If I need to describe our love, among the English words known to man and poets, nothing surpasses perfection, which is you. I love you.

the day before friday

I would rather spend one lifetime with you - than face all the ages of this world alone.

~ Arwen (Liv Tyler), Lord of the Rings

Todays post is slightly different. I have not been able to feel her since yesterday and today at most times. I would like to think its because shes tired but these two days have been cold at times. Maybe because its Her mood is temperamental and like whenever shes free, she thinks too much. Was thinking of another cool, creative post to warm her heart. But there is no warm heart beating in mine when I write this for her today. I'm writing today not to tell about our love but more so to convince her that she cannot always lose her way.

I've not read "The Notebook" but I've watched parts of it, there was this part where Noah writes 365 letters to Allie everyday for a year when she goes away and he says this: The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you.

In some parts I think of "The Notebook" when I write my posts. Only she gets to read them everyday after I write them unlike Allie. Like Noah, I am no one special. Just a common man with common thoughts. I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but in one respect I've succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul and for me that has always been enough.

There are many callings, many temptations in life, and throughout this short period I have done nothing but hold on and tried to tell her the same message every single day. Some days shes just magnificent and the one who believes the most. On other days, shes doubtful and wonders and just feels so much pressure. On most days, I know its the same cheery her I see and on the random days like today, I just do not know what to do when shes distant and she doesn't realise it or seem to care because its a weekday thingy.

My mind seems to fail me today. I can't seem to find the words to say what my mind wants to say so let the pictures say a thousand words...

When I met you, I wanted to ask you to join my weird ways, and to my surprise you said yes...



This is how I can best describe it now...



I gave you my heart...



But instead see what happened to yours...



There are times there are "weekdays" syndrome and even times when you leave me lost...



But no matter what, you bring me back a smile. Even when I'm down, sad and upset, just you, one kiss, one look into your eyes and one sniff of your breath. Any of these can set my world on fire baby and take away everything until the only thing left is you...



You are the only reason I'm smiling. You are my reasons. All my reasons...



I love you and everything I have, its yours. My forever I leave it with you, I leave you the most important things in life in your hands...



Today, lying there donating blood, you look so beautiful, so perfect. At one point, I just wish I could pull out my own donating tubes and hug you. Without realising, we've actually done another new thing together today. I'm often surprised at how the moment finds us. Meeting your eyes on that reclined chair, I see my forever everytime. So stop asking me whether I love you when you're free or in love with the feeling of falling in love. I love falling in love, being in love, blinded by love, consumed by love, living, breathing in love and everything in the name of love with you bie. So just shut up and love me the same or slightly more baby.

Today is indeed beautiful. Walk with me. I love you. Today. Tomorrow. Next week. Next month. Next year. A lifetime. Don't you dare let go baby.

PS. Bie, I don't care if its a weekday or weekend, I love you more and more. I don't take holidays so just lie in my arms you sweetest thing.

on the road

It was a Saturday, a dim day where the sun was hiding behind the clouds. Shes actually never driven on the road long distance before so this trip was just that. Us getting away and seeing another part of the world. We always like the weekends and this one was so meaningful before she went away. We took to the roads and it definitely is stored as one of the milestones on our journey in a huge compartment of my brain called life-with-Evil Janet-aka-Baby-aka-Elf-that-will-last-a-lifetime.



We stopped by one of the shops along Jonker Street and we found more than a collection of antiques...Baby, we look so good together. This is a real advertorial to tell the world how much I sayang you, wo ai ni. Jue ding ni shi wo de wei yi, wo de bao bei, wo de qi zhi.



The weather was freakingly hot, and we hid away in a coffeeshop and cam whored a bit. This is the total package, shes the real deal, the one. I only hope that the ugly me can match her, shes so beautiful and perfect. My eyes were actually saying, baby, this moment with you right here, I would give up everything for it and more.



This is honestly how her 'hungry' eyes feed on me all the time. :P only the world hasnt seen mine. I'm seriously, honestly hungry for her 24/7. The moment she steps out of my sight, my world becomes the Sahara and all I see is bleak skies and no smiles. This is right before this happened....



She sneeks up on her 'prey' and goes in for the kill. I love her eyes so much. All her friends say that they tell stories. I used to think the same until I realised that they showed me more than that, they always showed me her world which was me. Maybe she also saw that my entire world was her in mine...



The only problem is that the 'prey' is always asking for it. Didin't snap any pics of my evil grin enjoying being 'eaten' alive...



Thats why baby, in six simple pictures, you are my world and everything thats in it. I love you. Let it last a lifetime.

She went off for five days the next Monday and she took everything with her, and I turned into this...



No joke. Baby, you are my world, my reasons, in fact all my reasons, always my number one.

PS. Bie, we made a list and this essay is a prelude to our happily ever after. Hold my hand and walk our new chapter with me. I love you.

todays beautiful...

The Egyptians had a beautiful belief of death. At the gates of death, the Egyptian gods will stop the wandering spirits and ask the souls who arrived two questions. Two questions to see if they could enter or not or flee in anguish for all eternity. The first question the gods would ask is, have you found joy in your life. And the second, if you have given joy to anyone else in your life. If actually does not matter how those two questions are asked, the only way I'm going to get into Egyptian heaven is if I will love my baby forever.

Whats the use of getting into heaven if I did not love another soulmate for a lifetime? Whats the use of only finding joy once, twice when you should be happy for a lifetime? When you get to heaven, you do not get asked how many cars you managed to buy, or how much cash you managed to rake in or how big a house you managed to own. In a lifetime, a man is not measured by how much material success you have but by the measure of your heart and the love you managed to look for and give. Its not because I want to get into heaven but its because life is only worth living once you have found love, true love that will last.

Todays the second day shes not around and its like the first day. Just finished some work for the boss and been staring at her pictures for too long. Thought it would be nice to say something to her at the start of the day. Food has been and is still tasteless. You eat only to fill up your stomach. You find something to do to fill up your day and to try to smile as much as possible because she asks you to. You feel this emptiness but you can not explain why. Like everything you do is lacking something. Every step lacks a spring and sleep is never calm. Am determined to smile a lot today for her and because of her, the world will be a beautiful place today. Going to empty my mind in front of the idiot box soon and hopefully that takes away some of the emptiness although those thoughts are childish and wishful thinking.

Wondering hows her boat ride or rather her ferry trip to Yangshuo is. Must be scenic to take a ride down the river past the mountains and hills and valleys. Can almost feel the breeze blowing upwards towards her. Wonder if shes eating right. Wonder if its raining in the morning along the river. Wonder if I will stop thinking of her so much although I still think of her every second. Just want to be with her. Its that simple. It doesn't matter what shes doing or where. Missing the warmth of her hands and her goldfishes.



PS. Bie, words in the sands will be swept away, but you in my heart will ever stay.