waiting for you, waiting for perfection

If I could measure the beauty of her eyes, I was born to look into them and know myself.

~ Shakespeare In Love



Today is a Thursday. It's not just any Thursday because it's the Thursday just before your birthday. I heard someone whisper your name today, but when I turned around to see who it was, I noticed I was alone. That's when I realized it was my heart telling me how much I miss you. I realize that I want to be with you everyday for 8 days a week and 25 hrs a day. I never seem to get enough of you. And it's now only a few hours before the next milestone on probably the most important list of our lives. The weather has smiled these few days and everything looks really good. It's another day to laze around and just take in the moments.

I woke up today to her and really there is so much a heart can take before it melts away. Of course she again termed me and described me as "ka-kacau". But I would really like to be able to pester her and bug her to wake up each morning. I think that is a real privilege. To be able to wake up and see the most important and most beautiful thing in my life is a blessing and a grace that not everyone will ever have. And I think today is perfect. Simply because she smiled and kissed me before she left.

Was thinking of what to do today and about work when I realized this truth. A doctor can save my life on the operating table. A lawyer can defend my life and my honour in a court of law. A soldier can give me a peaceful life by facing the dangers at the battlefield. But only you, only you can give me a MEANINGFUL LIFE. And for that, I am thankful for each passing day. I am lucky that we share the same air to breathe, the same dreams asleep and the same smile when we make each other complete. And I am thankful that she exists to make my world perfect every second she is in it.

Today is beautiful and you're voice is beautiful. I wish I could share more of that beauty and we have an entire weekend for that for which I can't wait to begin and am grateful for. Counting down the seconds bie. It feels so long yet when it comes, I'm sure the moment will be running to get away from us. I want it to last and with you, it will always last. It will last because I believe it bie. And tomorrow is coming. I can't wait. I love you.

PS. Bie, I am behaving and I miss you so much that words fail to describe the feeling of breathing but it doesn't mean anything because you are not here to share my air. I love you. I'm waiting for you baby.

Living Today

If I should die this very moment, I wouldn't fear. For I've never known completeness like being here, wrapped in the warmth of you, loving every breath of you. Why live life from dream to dream?

~ Moulin Rouge



Perfection. That's what some people aim for and look for. Not just in themselves but also in things around them. The thing is that perfection means so many things to each person. To some, it can just be nothing disrupting their normal flow of the day and they're happy with that and call it perfection. To others, perfection is when they feel that everything falls into place, into spaces that should be and places that they expect. But in all truth, perfection is when things meet the standards set by that person.

For me, a day is perfect when everything I want to do or set out to achieve happens. It can be a day that is so full of happiness at every corner or just simply a day with sweet surprises that I'd never expected. I thought that was perfection. That was me before I met her. And then, things changed. It was irrelevant what happened in my normal spaces, as long as we were happy, it was perfect. As long as we held hands and saw the whole day as happy, it was perfection in every way.

Now, to me in a broader sense, she is perfect. To me, the definition of perfection is in everything her. That is why I fell in love. I remember this phrase she told me once when she described what she liked about me and I have my own reasons why I like her perfections too. I like the way she rubs her eyes and stretches herself in between sheets. I like the way she blinks then looks at me before her perfect lips reveal the sweetest smile which makes me worried I need to check my sugar levels everyday in case of diabetes. I like the way she slowly tugs herself on my shoulder and her legs lazily lay on mine after she smiles. I like the way she holds me close and feels comfortable as she looks for body warmth. And that is just the first five seconds of her waking up.

Every moment from the first her mind told her to wake up is my perfection. I even like the way she's shy to kiss me in the mornings and just wants warmth to start the day. All her self thought imperfections are the perfections that I see. And nothing in my heart says it better than this picture I chose for her. Yes, baby, I love you. You are perfect in all your imperfections and more so in mine. Today is beautiful and you are beautiful. I love you.

PS. Bie, I love you and while you're gone, I will wait for you, this imperfection waiting for his perfection. Can't stop thinking about you.

you are the only thing Real

What is real? How do you define real? If you mean what we can taste, smell, hear and feel then what's "real" is nothing more than electrical signals interpreted by your brain.

~ Morpheus, The Matrix



If what is real is what we see, taste, smell, hear and feel then is real only us interpreting signals? Life is more than all that our senses feel and what our brain tells us. Life is more beautiful than that. If not, how do we know that others love us even when they are not around to show it? Or why does my heart becomes warm when I know that she's near and melts when she appears and walks into a room? Or why does everything simply blurs all of a sudden when she looks right at me? And I still can't explain how I stop breathing when she turns from just looking at me to smiling. Then the heart suddenly stops and the head spins and the world is perfect.

In truth, emotions and feelings do not last, or rather more accurately, they do not last without you doing anything. That is why humans are never contented. It's the same with love. For a silly lamb to make a lion fall and stay in love forever and ever with his silliness, it never ends. It's always about never being contented that you have won her heart for the day because once you've won her heart, you need to work many times more everyday to ensure that you treasure that heart that you have been trusted with. It's about always being there for her to love her and cherish her. If I've learned one thing, that's to always, always be everything she needs, her bodyguard, her shoulder when she wants to snuggle (still a cushion not yet a pillow), her chauffeur, her handyman, her insect killer, her partner in crime when she wants to do something evil, her consultant, her companion to talk to and everything more.

The question is not about how many roles do I need to play for her but how much can I be with her. She asks me why do I still write for her. Because simply because she's my reason, she's all my reasons. Today she's smiling and I can't help smiling too. She makes me fall in love all over again more and more each passing day. I wish that I did not feel sad about her needing more time if she makes it and earns the ensemble role as a venus fly trap. But if I did not care about the time spent with her, doesn't that mean I don't really care about her? She does not see how much she means to me. That every second I spend with her, I treasure.

What is real is that I do care about her and how much she smiles. Typing this, I'm thinking about her and tonight. I'm praying that she makes it so all fingers crossed although theres a little place in my heart that asks why I feel sad at the same time. Hope she's not that nervous later and she haves fun. That much is true. The truth of the matter is that she has my undivided support, so live life baby and I'm living mine too with you. What is also real is that I love her and I will say it again and again as long as she keeps smiling and holds my hand. Because I really do see how much she loves me too in her eyes and what is more real is that I too see forever looking back at me. And my heart stops and my head spins and the world is perfect.

PS. Bie, you are all my reasons. I love you. Today you're not in that audition alone, I'm rite here with you.

you, me, us on a thursday

Some people live their whole life and never fall in love. I lived mine and I fell in love.

~ Leelee Sobieski, Here On Earth



Here on Earth was a novel written and later like all interesting books, gets translated into a movie. Here on Earth begins with Kelvin "Kelley" Morse and Jasper Arnold involved in a car race and accidentally damage a restaurant owned by Samantha Cavanaugh (Leelee Sobieski)'s parents. Both are sentenced to perform community service by repairing the damage. Although Kelley comes from a wealthy family and Samantha's parents are working-class, they soon find that they have more in common than they imagined, and they fall in love. Samantha's parents learn later on that Samantha has osteosarcoma and only a few months to live. When Kelley learns the awful truth, he must decide if he should obey his father's wishes and go to college or stay by the side of the first girl he's ever loved.

Its a beautiful day today and my baby woke up early filled with inspiration. She woke me up this morning for a change and her voice was the sweetest music that ever rang on my handphone. My mind was still blurry and my eyes were so reluctant to open today and I blame it on the chilly weather and the sleep filled with dreams of her last night. I pulled off the sheets from my still warm seeking body and rushed to get prepared. It was a slow drive filled with thoughts of her along the Kesas highway and I was really thinking of what she casually asked me on why do we torture ourselves this way. I seriously don't have an answer and I wonder why.

I realised as I clutched my hands tight anticipating to see my lion at 7.45am that my day really began when I saw her at her door looking at me so beautiful. I was a bit frustrated with her automatic gate and a dog named prince for being the only things stopping me from hugging her tight. My first second on a Thursday for me really began when I kissed her good morning and tasted a bit of heaven in my mouth. I knew my day had started the moment I touched her lips and felt complete. Now, writing this is to help me try to figure out when really does my day begin. Like every other day, mine begins with her. I was really thinking, if that was the truth, then was I ever living until the moment I fell in love with her?

Was thinking of Here on Earth this morning when I was playing with these thoughts. Do we really need a huge incident to shake us and make us appreciate what we have? When it comes to loving her, I've made a decision to always savour and treasure everything single thing, from the smallest to the biggest perfection that you keep including in unexpected and expected times in our lives. Today, baby, I just want to say thank you and how much everything you do for me means to me. I know these will not go recorded in history but it will always live in my memory and my smiles. That to me is more important than anything else in the world because you are the most important object, person, thing, creature, treasure, entity, character and lover that I will ever meet my life.

Today, I had banana pancakes designed and made by the softest and most gentle hands that I can't seem to stay away from. It was really good and she told me that it was her first time having a go at it which I find really hard to not smile to. Shes special like that, the way she keeps making me smile at all these small perfections that she does so effortlessly. I don't really have a story to match the warmth that she filled me with today except for the three words that she tells me everyday. She tells me these not just in words but in the things she does, her eyes, the way she touches my life and more. Theres only one way to say these three words and baby, I wish I could say them to you everyday for a lifetime, I love you. Baby, believe me theres nothing more true in our lifetime.

PS. Bie, on a beautiful Thursday like this, you have to go and be perfect and ruin it by stealing all the spotlight. I hate it that you always do this that I can't help loving you forever and ever baby.

holding her hand on a Thursday

Jerry: Hello. I'm looking for my wife. Alright. If this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen. I'm not letting you get rid of me. How about that? This used to be my specialty. I was good in a living room. Send me in there, I'll do it alone. And now I just... I don't know...but our little company had a good night tonight. A really big night. But it wasn't complete, it wasn't nearly close to being in the same vicinity as complete, because I couldn't share it with you. I couldn't hear your voice, or laugh about it with you. I missed my wife. We live in a cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors, I love you. You complete me. And I just...
Dorothy: Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello.



I was thirteen when I first saw Jerry Maguire. I still remember the phone conversation when Jerry (Tom Cruise) dialled wanting to speak to his estranged wife, Dorothy (Renee Zellweger) and he said that she completed him. Dorothy said that Jerry had her simply at hello, that the rest was not necessary. Sometimes, words are not necessary. I figured that out some time ago but what should I do when words are all I have to take her heart away and keep her falling in love with me?

Its a Thursday. The week seemed to have flew by in the blink of an eye. Its like I've been holding her hand while being sucked into this time zone whirpool and the seconds just keep slipping by us. Blink again and its the weekends again and the end of another week. She said it best that its been a rollercoaster but the weekends always brings some calm to us and its exhilirating to just do nothing but look at her for as long as time allows me to. These two days have been slow drives to the office, taking in as much time as I could since I'm no longer zipping along the highway at breakneck speed in between cars as I no longer try to break new record times each morning. I feel more calm now since imposing my own speed limit.

Haven't drove her for two days now and my eyes have just been taking in the sights, the early morning break of dawn that splits the clouds to the blast of Hitz.fm on the radio. And as Halo was on the radio, I couldn't help but smile as I thought of my baby in bed. Switched it to mute and dialled her number. Heard an angel in the morning and was driving my way again past the hills, back to the office where I would see her again in a few hours. I always think of what to write when I'm navigating to the airport. My heart wants to say so much but how to make her fall in love with me again today? Its a fair distance and gives me time to plan the day ahead. Today, I'm planning on painting her a smile that won't go away the entire morning. Not sure if I can do it, but its worth a try.

Besides the dialogue from Jerry Maguire, I still remember the catch phrase from the movie; that the journey is everything. I do believe that my life begins now. It ain't easy to love someone perfect but you live by it day by day, one step at a time.

PS. Bie, you complete me.